scared that no one is ever going to want to go out with me

As the topic title says, I am scared that I will never be able to get into a committed relationship. Recently I beat a struggle with a long term porn problem - I would look at it almost every day, and this went on for several years. My wake up call came when I found myself getting involved in even more extreme porn and even some extreme behaviours - e.g. I practiced some mild exhibitionism by once when I was at a hotel leaving the curtains open when I was changing. I now view all of this behaviour with disgust. It is also the only detrimental behaviour that I have engaged in - I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs, and I always try to treat people with respect. I am worried though that when people that I am dating find out about this, they will be disgusted with me and will not want to keep going out with me. And I feel that I will have to be totally honest with the person I am dating if the relationship is serious, and so keeping it a secret would not be an option. Am I completely overreacting here?

yes you are. pr0n for most men is something they thorougly enjoy. No need to feel disgusted about it. About the exhibitionism, I fyou think you crossed a line there then that's your call, and good job at refraining from it I guess. About the relationship stuff: That ain't got nothing to do with you watching pr0n. If you get into a relationship and the subject comes up, all you have to answer is you watched (or still watch) porn. No need to lie about it, but no need to go into details either.

Hmmm...

Well, in my opinion, porn is a bad thing when it becomes a compulsion--if you feel the need to constantly do it, somewhat like an addiction. I watch it every day, but I could very well go on without it. When I have homework to do, I'll do my homework first because porn is a low priority, but something to enjoy.

However, you said you were getting into more extreme porn. What do you mean by this? The type of porn people watch reveals things about themselves (or at least, what might be going on inside your head). Were you watching sadomasochistic or rape porn?

Regarding the exhibitionism, don't worry about it unless that too becomes too much. Like DutchBoY said, it's pretty much your call because you know what you did and you're the one that knows whether or not it was appropriate.

May I ask: how old are you? There is nothing wrong with never having a girlfriend or relationship until you're older, it's just a different style.

Nothing like that. It was graduating from simple nude pics to ones of sex, not rape or anything like that. Also I'm 21 and fairly shy. I have also been studying pretty hard and have just started my PhD, and so have not yet felt I had the time for a girlfriend.

It seems that what you consider to be extreme are actually not that bad at all. Perhaps your lack of time for a girlfriend has turned your direction of sexual exertion into pornography--which is, by all means, pretty normal.

I wouldn't worry about it. Remember, you're 21, which is considerably young. Once you finish your degree and get a job, start a business, or whatever it is you plan on doing, then you can worry about it. Shit, maybe you can meet somebody later in college...

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Originally Posted by DutchBoY

yes you are. pr0n for most men is something they thorougly enjoy. No need to feel disgusted about it. About the exhibitionism, I fyou think you crossed a line there then that's your call, and good job at refraining from it I guess. About the relationship stuff: That ain't got nothing to do with you watching pr0n. If you get into a relationship and the subject comes up, all you have to answer is you watched (or still watch) porn. No need to lie about it, but no need to go into details either.

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So you are saying that I shouldn't be completely and explicitly honest?

Yeah, if you're addicted to porn, its a disease. I saw a true movie about a guy who got addicted once...Ruined his life...Lost his girlfriend, all his friends picked on him, got beat up. He ends up in suicide. (He was 15)

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Originally Posted by jmb123451985

So you are saying that I shouldn't be completely and explicitly honest?

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no, I'm saying you shouldn't worry about it. Definately after what you said about what you did watch. I mean most men are, according to your terms, way more disgusting than you are, me included. Ask any man with a computer and an internet connection if he has porn on his computer, and if they answer honestly, I think it's a fair bet that at least 80% would answer with yes. So no, you're not sick. Don't worry about it. I myself would be way sicker according to your standards lol.

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Originally Posted by jmb123451985

So you are saying that I shouldn't be completely and explicitly honest?

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Some people use honesty as an excuse to dump their emotional baggage in someone else's little red wagon. You have to deal with your own stuff.

If I were to meet someone new today, I wouldn't necessarily want to know everything there is to know about his faults.

You know who you should be talking to about it, though? A therapist. If you're concerned that it's out of control and getting worse, you need to get help. just the fact that it worries you indicates a cause for concern.

You sound very sweet and sincere. You'll find someone. It'll be great.

when you meet the right person they will not judge you for the person you used to be, you have made a change they will love the person you are now and accept the fact that you had a struggle in life, everyone does. youll find the right one

The fact that you are feeling guilty for something you consider to be unhealthy, and using that as an impetus to STOP the action, is something that a lot of girls (like me) would admire.
For example, I want to wait till marriage for sex; if a guy that I date has been sexually active, and has enough respect for me and self-control to change to a non-sexually-active lifestyle for the purpose of our relationship, I would be honored, and not hold his past against him.

There is one more thing that I haven't mentioned. A couple of years back I peeked on a few girls who were naked. This is again a behaviour that I feel really guilty about, and will not repeat, yet I feel worse because I still see these girls occasionally.

if you'll not stop that thing with porn, you can become a gay:shocked: try to be more indiferent, try to smoke(it helps sometimes):evil:

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Originally Posted by Grohman

if you'll not stop that thing with porn, you can become a gay:shocked: try to be more indiferent, try to smoke(it helps sometimes):evil:

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That is the dumbest thing I've read in this forum today and I hope a mod deletes that post.

Smoking will only help because it will become an addiction that will replace porn and possibly even add onto it. Do NOT smoke, your chances of getting a girlfriend will be even less because of the sickening breath it will give you.

And no, porn will not make you gay. Gay guys do. :baby:

Can someone comment on the voyeurism thing though. How many people would be understanding of me having tried that before I decided it was wrong?

Most men, enjoy voyeurism. I would not think low of you for that.

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Originally Posted by jmb123451985

Can someone comment on the voyeurism thing though. How many people would be understanding of me having tried that before I decided it was wrong?

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I doubt you're all alone in that. It's pretty normal, even if it's nothing to be proud of.

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Originally Posted by jmb123451985

Can someone comment on the voyeurism thing though. How many people would be understanding of me having tried that before I decided it was wrong?

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it was a stage in your life? a somewhat negitive one. once you meet the right person they are not gonna care, the people who you fall in love with and fall in love with you dont judge you.

Voyerism and exhibitionism are not the same thing. You were exposing yourself, right? To whom were you doing this? Children?

About your interest in porn - I think lots of men do this. I don't personally find it offensive so long as it is on an occassional basis, but many women do not share this opinion. That being said, I believe in telling people unsavory details about yourself on an "as needed" basis.

Unless somewhere down the road a girlfriend of yours is sitting with you and suddenly asks, "jmb, have you ever exposed yourself to someone in public?" I see no reason whatsoever to ever bring it up to her.

The exhibitionism thing only happened a couple of times, and they were from hotel windows, when women in buildings opposite were clearly looking into the room. The thing that scares me about this is that I did get a kick out of it, and a part of me would not mind if it occurred again. I also think about these instances sometimes. However, I am not about to put on a trenchcoat and go flashing in public, and I would never in any way shape or form let myself be seen naked by children.

One question for anyone who wants to answer - would you find it exciting to be seen naked by an attractive member of the opposite sex, and engage in the sort of exhibitionism I engaged in? I just want to work out how abnormal this desire is.

I don't think that I am addicted to the exhibitionism thing, as it is not a situation that I have recreated for a long time, but as I said, if I got a similar 'safe' opportunity, I am not sure whether it would not occur again.

I think it is disturbing that you expose yourself to be honest, and I think you know it is illegal. If you are caught, you will be registered as a sex offender. You might want to be getting some professional help with that, since it is a compulsive disorder. You don't seem to have a need to separate what should be limited to fantasy from what is reality, and have no regard for the feelings of the women you are exposing yourself to..

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Originally Posted by jmb123451985

One question for anyone who wants to answer - would you find it exciting to be seen naked by an attractive member of the opposite sex, and engage in the sort of exhibitionism I engaged in? I just want to work out how abnormal this desire is.

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Yeah.. if she was my girlfriend.

dude ... you were changing and there was a window opem ... big deal ... so dont yu change when you go to the beach ? you bathe with your shirt on like the fatties? geez i take it off and just out on my b-suit when i go to the beach ...i dont bother hiding myself , just go behind a tree .

damn my throat hurts ... guess its too soon to be eating ice cream .

I don't think you have anything to be worried about when it comes down to being honest about this someone. And I'm sure you'll find those females that find porn repulsive and think everything is distgusting along the way....

But when it comes time that your in a mature relationship later on in life that won't even be a factor. As long as you are hionest with that person about the types of things you like...who knows maybe you'll find someone who likes the same type of stuff.

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Originally Posted by jmb123451985

One question for anyone who wants to answer - would you find it exciting to be seen naked by an attractive member of the opposite sex, and engage in the sort of exhibitionism I engaged in? I just want to work out how abnormal this desire is.

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I'm wondering about your upbringing. Were you taught that it was very naughty to be naked?

I don't find exhibitionism or voyeurism very exciting, but I think that's because I was raised by feckless hippies. There were naked people around a lot, and it wasn't sexual.