Is it weird for girls to make the first move?

Hi,

I'm 20 years old and am still too shy to approach or even make eye contact with guys. I know I have issues with self-esteem, but there is this guy I like who I barely know --we've never gone out or talked much, epecially recently because of my lack of eye contact. I know that maybe it's just an infatuation and it's silly because we do not know eachother, but I feel nervous (the nice kind of nervous) around him and I know that he used to be somewhat interested because he'd try to come next to me or talk to me but I'd always run away.

Now I realize that I've been pathetic and I'm worried I'll never see him again because he's going to graduate from university....would it be absolutely weird if I just brought him into a room and kissed him? Though we haven't said a word to each other for six months....any feedback would be great!

I wouldn't just kiss him but I'd be flattered if a nice girl/woman asked me out. Go for it!!!

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Originally Posted by TAVS

I wouldn't just kiss him but I'd be flattered if a nice girl/woman asked me out. Go for it!!!

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Thanks for the reply!

I guess grabbing a guy I barely know and kissing him might scare him...
the thing is, I'm too shy, that's why I've never approached him or talked to him, or even been able to make eye contact. And since he'll probably be leaving soon, I thought the easiest way would be to kiss him....you see, I think I would be more nervous asking him out because that means I have to talk...to a guy I haven't talked to for a year. It would be so random...and embarassing. Thing is, I probably don't have the courage to kiss him anyways....

Surely you can muster up enough courage to simply say, "Hello"

:)

What have you got to lose? Embarass yourself and he leaves. So what?
Don't allow yourself to end up with regrets in life.

I don't think you should just grab him and kiss him. You will still have to talk to him AFTER you are done, and I would think THAT conversation would be even more awkward.

If you want to make a move, just ask him to take you out.

if i am that guy i will get shock abit and chances that talkin after the kiss might be weird...what i often see and suggest is to talk to him, kiss and run...that all...3 simple steps...if he is interested, most likely he will take some time off to look for you if not, than he might just want to move away from you...trying him not to see you...

I think a girl should make a first move if shes into someone. Otherwise you will never know and always wonder what if...?

Before rushing towards him and kissing him, try a simple conversation to get things going..... Then casually suggest hanging out sometime and see what he says. If hes into you he will jump at the chance.....and if not then he will say no.

Like Tone said, sometimes a simple hello can start things up....and a smile. Lets him know your interested.....

I'm going to go out on a limb here and postulate that the percentage of girls that get rejected by guys is INFINITELY smaller than the percentage of guys that get rejected by girls.



Just a thought.

The percentage of guys that get raped by girls is INFINITELY smaller than the percentage of girls that get raped by guys. It's also smaller than the percentage of guys that get raped by guys.

:detective

Tone, I haven't said hello to him for nearly a year, I don't think I have the courage and face to say hi practically right before he graduates. Sadly, maybe bye would be more appropriate....


TAVS, half of me thinks like you; might as well go for it, it won't be the end of the world. But the other half of me is not only terrified/embarassed but it's also telling me 'he's going to think I'm a nutcase because why am I approaching him right before he leaves??' I KNOW, it's ridiculous. I shouldn't even be thinking about him because maybe he won't be around anymore inthree weeks or maybe he already likes another girl. But like Elynne says, what if I regret it?? Then again, how can a girl muster up the courage to go to a guy a) she barely knows b)who is going to leave in three weeks.

vashti and xd3vilx, I know the after kiss would be awkward, but at least I'll have done what I've wanted to and see his reaction!

Elynne, it's SO hard to start showing someone you're interested when you've practicaly ignored him for the entire year. He'll think I'm a psycho or he might even think 'wow, this girl REALLY liked me' because I hid it so well.

Roger Wilco,
I guess I'm not (too) scared of getting rejected but I'm scared of simplhy approaching him! I don't know what to say, and what if he doesn't get it or what if it doesn't turn out as planned....

Zarathu,
......

maybe I should get over it and forget him, because it's not realistic. But like I said, part of me feels that I should just kiss him, after all if he leaves I won't have to deal with the consequenes anyways, and that way I can really get over it. Which one???

Yeah, I know what you mean. I have been in your situation before....and that was back in high school. I liked one of the smartest/ most popular guys in school.....and was too chicken to start up anything with him while I had the chance. We did speak a few times during the 4 yrs but it was becuz we were in some of the same after school activities. It was just really hard to look him in the eye or say anything to him... or actually really get to know him....
Anyways...
So, I figured I would wait until graduation night to give him a note....to tell him what I thought about him etc. Mainly I chose then becuz I figured well..I would probably never see him again since he was going to college out of state. But well, I chickened out yet again....

So time went on.....and college started in fall and I kept wondering, what if I would have just got that off my chest and told him how I felt. It literally drove me nuts.... So one night I got on my computer and looked him up on his university website and wrote him an email.... I explained to him how much I liked him etc and how I was kinda too chicken to do anything about it... Surprisingly, He wrote me back......AND he remembered me. (mainly cuz of the after school activiities etc.) Anyways....he felt bad that I felt I couldn't approach him and said he felt really flattered. He also said that had I asked him out, he would have given me a chance... But seeing he was three states away and planning on staying there for 4 yrs and then going on to grad school for another 2.....there was really no way we could even start anything up. So, I left it at that.

Ok, so in a way I was relieved....and yet kinda mortified. Im sure he was kinda like wtf? But, anyways, it helped me move on. I saw him once or twice after that while he was home on break......and he was actually very friendly and said hi and all that. I still was shy as ever....but as time went on ......I eventually let it go... and dated other people that I actually felt comfortable enough around to talk to.

Keep in mind, this all happened 7 yrs ago already....and I have moved on....and life has definately changed since then....

Anyways, whatever you plan on doing.....I think you should get to the bottom of it. At least find out. I know it drove me nuts until I did.....and even though I regret not going for it while I could have had the chance in high school, Im glad I got that closure afterwards, even if i Did feel stupid afterwards in a way... And since then I realized that its worth that shot to find out whether I have a chance or not. At least then I know...
Good Luck! :)

Ellynn,

thank you so much for sharing your story. I feel I can relate to so much of it; except I'm not in high school; I'm older yet behaving like a twelve year old and her first crush. I find it impossible to look at him in the eyes too. And I think I'm subconsciously leaving this for the last moment (if by any miracle I do do it) because I'm thinking 'oh well, I won't see him anymore anyways'. Then again, why do I want to do this if I won't see him anymore?? It's almost as if I want it the easy way (though clearly, it ain't easy): I want to kiss a boy without going through the getting to know him and talk to him bit. It really is pathetic how strongs feelings can be for somebody you don't even talk much to. I'm aware that it could be because of an illusion (I see him as handsome, smart, funny) and in reality he might not be as impressive as I imagined him to be. Still, while you like somebody, you can't get that person out of your head and it is kind of exciting...though I am at the final stages where it's starting to make me depressed, for some reason. I'm depressed because he's not making any moves anymore. I just want to move on, the way you did but it's so hard when you think 'maybe I had a chance, but I blew it'.....

Like I said (how many times already) half of me is saying 'oh what the hell, just kiss him. You can still do random, stupid things like that' but the other half is absolutely insecure and now I'm starting to have second thoughts...maybe he doesn't even care. If he truly cared wouldn't he do absolutely anything to get me? And if he cared, why would he talk to another girl? Elynne, I know I have to get to the bottom of it; either try and approach him or get on with life. Thing is, which is better (or which is worse!!): doing something I am absolteuly terrified of (approaching him and oooh- TALKING to him) or let the next three weeks go by as usual and live with the 'what if' thoughts???

Heck, I know how you feel. I know you are older.....but I was 18 and acting like a 12 yr old too! I think I put him on a pedestal in my mind...and it just made him so intimidating. Like he was sooo great, but I felt like I never stood a chance.
And I had another situation like that after THAT situation ended. (When I was like 21.) But I actually did something about it. Yes, I kinda made a fool of myself, but then I found out. The next guy(when I was 21) wasn't into me like that. I mean yeah it made me depressed and mortified for awhile, but I got over it. And he was really nice about it and I ended up with another friend out of the situation.
It just helps having that Closure....either way.

If this guy seemed into you at one time..chances he thought that from you being so shy, that you weren't into him at all. So therefore he gave up. So if you take that chance...then at least you know. Living with wondering what if?..... SUCKS.
Plus, this will help you open up more.

I say, worst that can happen is that hes a jerk about it.....WHICH would make it that much easier to move on! If he's nice about it then maybe you have a shot at something.. If hes nice and isn't into you like that....Then maybe you'll have another friend out of the situation. If you think about it......its pretty much a win-win situation. The only way it won't be.....is if you let him go without at least getting some of your feelings out....

aww ladies! :-)

yes! go for it! Just do it just do it just do it! Carpe Diem! Carpe Diem! Carpe Diem!

Ellynn, yes the guy is standing on a pedestal! And the funny (or sad) thing is that he might not even be as great or scary. Still the only reason as to why a girl is terrified about approaching a guy is lack of self esteem. I admire you for having actually done something about the guys you liked. In my case, I'm a dreamer.

What I don't understand is, wouldn't a guy figure out you like him when suddenly you start ignoring him or behaving strange around him? Instead this guy is ignoring me back. Which shows that he wasn't really interested. Maybe he was interested because he thought I was.

I found your words truly inspiring and very logical, but if I can't force myself to change, to open up..... What I'm going to do is: I'll approach him if I get the chance, meaning, if he is near me or looks at me. But if he doesn't, I'm not going to. Basically leaving it up to destiny (though I know that one can make his/her own destiny too!!). I can't walk up to him in front of everyone and say 'can we talk' and I definitely can't do that out of class when he's with other girls. I'll only talk if he gives me some sort of 'signal'. If not, I lost but I think in a sense...he also lost (if he was ever interested...).

Dreamer101,
thank you, but if one is extremely shy, it's so hard to carpe diem! And I'm not only extremely shy, I'm also the anxious, nervous type.
I'll do it only if I get the chance to.....hope so.

Flash your smile, hold your head high and he'll be chasing!

Well, if your honestly that uncomfortable with opening up....then I guess there isn't much you can do....but leave it up to whatever happens......happens...

The good news is there will be other guys and other opportunities....and hopefully you will feel more comfortable to open up......(which eventually I also found).

So, I guess you have to do whatever works best for you.... Hopefully though, you will get a chance to get that closure before the time is up... Good Luck and keep us updated. :)

No No No! Take the leap. Now.

Yes, there will be other guys and opportunities, but so is this. just see him as a guy and a opportunity. i mean look at it this way, if he doesn't feel the same way, then you won't have to ever see him again after 3 weeks, 2 weeks now! what better opportunity than that. grab it with two hand, "flah a smile, hold your head high" and if he is not the one chasing, then some other guy will be! :-) being a guy, i would admire girls that take the initiative.

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but if one is extremely shy, it's so hard to carpe diem! And I'm not only extremely shy, I'm also the anxious, nervous type.
I'll do it only if I get the chance to.....hope so.

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I understand that. I used to be extremely shy too, and still more or less am. and i am a guy. so don't be like me! anxiety and neverousness ... you can only get rid of them thru trials. its like riding a bike, or speaking in public. first time you do it you'll shake in your pants, but then .. then your confidence grows. you see cuz in order to make your confidence strong, you gotta shake the foundations first, then and only then can you pour more concrete in it.

and what have you got to loose? nothing? abosoloutely nothing. so go for gold. what is the reason behind your nervousness and anxiety? fear? fear of what? fear of rejection or humiliation if you proclaim your feelings? wouldn't you rather learn how to deal with those things now rather than later?

and no, don't leave it upto chance, and hope. make your chance, act, and then hope.

so carpe diem! and you will no longer be the shy, neverous and anxious type, cuz you will size the day.

the universe commands you to act. :mask:

P.S.

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What I don't understand is, wouldn't a guy figure out you like him when suddenly you start ignoring him or behaving strange around him?

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No. Not by a long shot. Well .. I don't.

Jaslovesant,

it's easy to say....but how to do??

Ellynn and dreamer 101,

I'm the type of person who always leaves things for tomorrow and now that I realize how there might not be a tomorrow anymore (with him) I'm starting to panick! I really think I should leave it to destiny, because if he was equally interested he would ask me out. I mean it's pretty obvious that I am extremely shy (by the way, I also drop things and do other really embarassing and obvioius things too) so why would he put in me in such a difficult position?

Not only am I nervous, scared, I'm worried that he'll think I'm weird (or maybe he thinks it now)! Don't ask why but this is a constant thought in my head. I know, gotta keep working on that self-esteem...

You know another thing that's bugging me? That here I am, tossing and turning over a guy I do not know while he's gotten over me and is about to start a new life. Why do we do these things to ourselves??

So can't promise anything but I'll either a) do what I feel like- I mean the moment has to be appropriate and if it's not, that's it. or b) push myself and jump into the fire. It depends on me, on the environment, on him....

thanks again for the support (both ofyour advice are really awesome!), will update next week....

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Originally Posted by RogerWilco

I'm going to go out on a limb here and postulate that the percentage of girls that get rejected by guys is INFINITELY smaller than the percentage of guys that get rejected by girls.



Just a thought.

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I agree, but I'm not sure I'm clear on the original question. Shygirl, is it about fear of rejection or fear of censure? Or are you just in the mood to do something rash? It's really not that hard to get a guy to come over and talk to you. Jeez Louise, just look at him (yes, I know you're shy) and think about kissing him for, like four seconds.

I don't think guys like it that much when girls make the first move. It freaks them out. If you want something more that a fling, I would reconsider the Sudden Kiss plan.

You can't look him in the eyes or talk to him, but you think you'll get the courage to just walk up to him and kiss him? I dunno... sounds a bit more like fantasy than reality.
I would say the easiest course of action would be to write him a note or something (although he might think you are really immature for doing so).
The best would be to ask him out!!
What have you got to lose? You have a 50% chance that he will say yes!

Well, I realize that my 'sudden kiss' plan was unrealistic....I came up with it because I was desperate and was really excited at the thought of it (lame as it sounds). Saw him, but it's not the same anymore. You know the feeling of moving on in life and separating on different roads? That's how I feel, only that I don't feel happy about it....

Gigabitch,
I'm not even sure myself what it is, that's why I'm making this 'problem' bigger than it seems. Like I said, Im so shy that I can't even raise my eyes to his and am scared about what he thinks of me, worried of rejection....just plain worried actually. About something that isn't even official. I know it's a question of finding happiness within yourself, that one has to be happy on his own first, before finding anyone else but I have to write this again.....I'm so upset at the thought of not seeing him again, of 'what could have been', of why he didn't try asking me out, and what if I don't find anyone equally cute...someone like him.
I'm aware of the fact that the 'sudden kiss' plan would have led to merely a fling because clearly it's not normal for a girl to go up to a guy and kiss him when they've never spoken or hung out together. So now it's not rejection I fear, but I'm realizing that it is weird to go kiss a guy you can't even make eye contact with.

Meguin,
yes, I have a lot of fantasy...it was fun fantasizing but it's also starting to make me somewhat depressed now. I've ignored him for ages, so I can't ask him out. I wish he would, but I think I've been too optimistic and disappointed so should give up? I also realize that: if he did like me enough, he would have tried a bit more, right?I wanted something, but I don't know what it was and now that I don't have it, I'm bummed out. is this normal??

thanks you all

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Originally Posted by shygal

I also realize that: if he did like me enough, he would have tried a bit more, right?

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This forum is full of guys trying to get their nerve up. They get scared and insecure too. They have to deal with the very real prospect of getting rejected every time they approach someone, and the way our culture works, they are the ones who are "supposed" to do the approaching.

For all you know, Tall Guy is thinking, "She finds me so freakishly tall and revolting, she can't even bring herself to look at me."

Why do you have to kiss him? I say just go up to him, say hi, and start a short convo. Ask him if he ever wants to hang out before school ends, or get his number, instant messenger, myspace, etc.

I find myself in your position quite a lot where I am talking about all the problems I face when I like a girl I bearly even know or have ever talked to.

I didn't make it. And won't ever see him again. I'm not in tears or anything but I'm really bummed out. Vashti, I'm going to write many I's now (but it's because I'm feeling down and can't help it). You are so right, I am a selfish person because if I wasn't, I'd have responded him in the past. I know it's pathetic that I'm so upset especially because it's not like we ever went out, but it's so disapppointing that he didnt try harder (when I wasn't responding)and that I didn't try harder. Why didn't he ask me out directly? I'm hoping he doesn't like me enough....because what I'm upset about now is that...suppose he did like me, and I like him, then why didn't we do anything about it?? It's obvious that he's so shy and insecure (sounds familiar) but could he not have tried to say bye?? I can't stop feeling I lost something that was actually important....that I actually liked.

Awww.....I'm sorry to hear about this... But if anything I hope you learn from it.. I know I did....when I let things go while wondering "what if"? Its one of the worst things just wondering.......

But give it some time.....and it will become a distant memory.. (yes it will because you won't see him anymore and you will slowly move on...) There will be other guys....and hopefully they will be easier to talk to.... It just wasn't meant to be for now... If you ever cross paths with him again......maybe it will be easier once u have moved on... But you did what worked best for you at the moment.... and even though it hurts......it will be ok..

I am sorry to hear about this too. Like elynn said - chin up. You didn't really lose anything if you think about it. Only an opportunity, and there will be plenty more of it. And next time I am certain you will try a different approach, because experiences teach. And who knows, you might bump into him again, but dont waste time and engery dwelling on it. Que Sera Sera.

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Originally Posted by dreamer101

chin up.

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I like your avatar. :baby:

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Originally Posted by shygal

I didn't make it. And won't ever see him again. I'm not in tears or anything but I'm really bummed out. Vashti, I'm going to write many I's now (but it's because I'm feeling down and can't help it). You are so right, I am a selfish person because if I wasn't, I'd have responded him in the past. I know it's pathetic that I'm so upset especially because it's not like we ever went out, but it's so disapppointing that he didnt try harder (when I wasn't responding)and that I didn't try harder. Why didn't he ask me out directly? I'm hoping he doesn't like me enough....because what I'm upset about now is that...suppose he did like me, and I like him, then why didn't we do anything about it?? It's obvious that he's so shy and insecure (sounds familiar) but could he not have tried to say bye?? I can't stop feeling I lost something that was actually important....that I actually liked.

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Aww, I really am sorry things didn't go the way you hoped. I guess if something good is to come of this situation, it is that you will know better than to let opportunity pass you by the next time around. You seem like a nice girl, and this won't be your last chance.

thank you ellynn, dreamer101 and vashti for the support. really needed it.

hopefully it has taught me something. I'm trying to think 'it wasn't meant to be' because I really believe in destiny but one can't help wondering what if it was meant to be but I was the one who didn't let it be!! Yeah, guess I didn't lose anything...except for a really good looking, special guy:sad2:

I did learn that I'm not ready for a relationship...and that I should relax a little around guys. For some reason, I'm almost relieved....lol, is this odd?? I don't need to impress him anymore and no need for me to be nervous and anxious. After all the disappointment, this is almost liberating. These posts must sound so contradicting! What I mean is it's always fun to have a crush on someone, then it gets depressing when you're not getting anywhere and finally you realize that there really wasn't anything, except for your imagination. I think eventually I'll stop thinking about him....

thanks you guys for all the advice!

Maybe next time you'll get a crush on someone who will be around longer, too. It would be nice to have a future with someone, right?

thank you ellynn, dreamer101 and vashti and gigabitch for the support. really needed it.

hopefully it has taught me something. I'm trying to think 'it wasn't meant to be' because I really believe in destiny but one can't help wondering what if it was meant to be but I was the one who didn't let it be!! Yeah, guess I didn't lose anything...except for a really good looking, special guy:sad2:

I did learn that I'm not ready for a relationship (and when the right guy/time comes I'll be ready!)...and that I should relax a little around guys. For some reason, I'm almost relieved....lol, is this odd?? I don't need to impress him anymore and no need for me to be nervous and anxious. After all the disappointment, this is almost liberating. These posts must sound so contradicting! What I mean is it's always fun to have a crush on someone, then it gets depressing when you're not getting anywhere and finally you realize that there really wasn't anything, except for your imagination. I think eventually I'll stop thinking about him....

thanks you guys for all the advice!

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I did learn that I'm not ready for a relationship (and when the right guy/time comes I'll be ready!)...and that I should relax a little around guys. For some reason, I'm almost relieved....lol, is this odd?? I don't need to impress him anymore and no need for me to be nervous and anxious. After all the disappointment, this is almost liberating. These posts must sound so contradicting! What I mean is it's always fun to have a crush on someone, then it gets depressing when you're not getting anywhere and finally you realize that there really wasn't anything, except for your imagination. I think eventually I'll stop thinking about him....

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Ahh wise words. Sounds like you have arrived somewhere. Congratulations at completing the journey :-)

But as opposed to you I did lose something … recently … something very dear to me. A brownie point. :horror: I just saw it today! Somebody took my beloved point away. Once there were 10 .. now there are only 9. … I miss my brownie point .. :upset:

hehehe ..

Its actually said something in the latest issue of Cosmo....that if your THAT nervous around a guy....chances are...its not gonna work. I mean its normal to feel somewhat nervous....but if its to the point where you can't even talk to him / look at him or be yourself and let him get to know you....then honestly....its never gonna work... Even if he is hot....and extremely nice...and makes you feel all warm and tingly and shaky inside....

But when you find a guy who your comfy around....yet little things he does makes you feel a awesome sensation inside or nervous in a good way....then its probably something that is more likely to happen and actually turn into something thats possibly good.

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Originally Posted by shygal

Hi,

I'm 20 years old and am still too shy to approach or even make eye contact with guys. I know I have issues with self-esteem, but there is this guy I like who I barely know --we've never gone out or talked much, epecially recently because of my lack of eye contact. I know that maybe it's just an infatuation and it's silly because we do not know eachother, but I feel nervous (the nice kind of nervous) around him and I know that he used to be somewhat interested because he'd try to come next to me or talk to me but I'd always run away.

Now I realize that I've been pathetic and I'm worried I'll never see him again because he's going to graduate from university....would it be absolutely weird if I just brought him into a room and kissed him? Though we haven't said a word to each other for six months....any feedback would be great!

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i had the same problem with self-esteem before and and the only way i overcame that was joining a dating site (try wedbatedotcom) and forming an alter ego. i was very aggressive in sending a message to this guys until i became comfortable with it. you should try it one time...