Should I keep holdin on to her? Dilema.

I likemy friend, but she i engaged to some jerk. She has been engaged for about 5-6 months. This guy treats her like crap. He lives across the country. We live in Los Angeles, he lives in New York. The only way of communication is the phone. They have a relationship where they break up and get back together. It's been that way ever since. They already had sex. (but she ain't sloppyseconds cuz I consider myself sloppy seconds too then). She said that the only rason she wants this to work is cuz they shared eachother(I know the feeling). But we go out alot as friends. We watch movies and eat dinner together. I enjoy her company and I know se enjoys mine. I stopd calling her on the phone cuz I don't want to mix my image with her fiance since the phone is the only communiction. I didn't want to call mch either cuz don' want her to think that I am all over her. Then she could be able to control me and stuff. So, I also stoped e-mailing her too, she stop writing back. Everytime we go out, we have good times but she always talk about her fiance like their isstill a future. After all those times they argue she still finds hope. And they still argue. Someof her friends tell me to stick in there cuz they don't like her fiance. They also say she don't know what she is doing because she is young(she is 21, he 22, me 22). So, they hope for me to hang aroud and treat her nice so she can realize what and how I am. I am atracted to her and vice versu. So, hat should do? And is their any hope for me?
Help me out people.

Firstly there is very little chance you and her are gonna end up together. Accept that first and if you DO end up together you'll be pleasantly surprised, otherwise you'll be torn up when it doesn't pan out. As far as her fiance, you have to say something. If you really care about her I know you can't just stand by and watch her settle for some prick. Just make sure he actually is being an asshole and you aren't just perceiving him as such because you want her. I guess to sum it up you two sound like close friends, expect that to be the extent of it. But make sure you voice your opinion on this guy, make sure you do it in a non-threatening way or she'll get offended and push you away. Good luck to you, keep us posted.

Prediction: she and he will eventually break up, but it won't be you she ends up with. And she will be right.

excellent advice.. I belive that you guys are obviously close friends. My question to you is ... if she is engaged? Does she want to be with him or you?
She can only answer that question.

Jane is right. I, for one, didn't offer much in the way of advice. But the situation seems to be that a real person -- you, is up against an imagined person -- him. And of course, between real and imaginary, the comparison is not in your favor.

Here are a couple of little things that might help though.
1) You go out and she brings up fiance's name in conversation, like "Well, John said.." and you interrupt with, "Well I am not John." You stop any and every conversation about him.
2) "So, when are you breaking up with the [your favorite offensive term here]?" Annoying, BUT. If she sees you only as a friend, she'll "break up" with you for slamming on her love, but if she has feelings towards YOU, you'll get away with it (which I think is what will happen). Just keep on it. Keep repeating he is a POS. Be sure NOT to say that she doesn't deserve to be treated this way. (She is obviously a masochist, and holding her in high regard would turn her off you completely -- in fact, if you've told her that he doesn't deserve her before, that might be one of the reasons she still ain't with you. In her twisted mind, she is making a noble sacrifice by staying with him.)
4) Do NOT avoid phone calls! Show her that you are not in any way intimidated by him (i.e. he's a loser). Be sure that you don't say he is a loser, just behave like he is.
5) Show her that she is NOT the center of your life. She obviously likes to be treated badly. Grope another girl in her presence, or something. But not too much.
6) Disappear completely from her radar for prolonged periods of time (about a week). Like, screen her calls, don't answer e-mail, don't appear online. You'll see she'll want you. At once.

forgive me ICEQUEEN.. when I said excellent advice, I meant Zekk... but you too are right and I agree with your advice too.

Sorry, thought you were being sarcastic. ;)

nope not at all!
;)

You guys are so awesome, thanks fo putting up with me.
Yeh, I wonder why she still wants to be with this guy? I think one fact that she wants to stay with him is cuz he promised her to get her any SUV she wants; Escalade,Navigator, Tahoe, etc...How can I compete with that? I know she wants a good life and all, so do I, that's why I am still in school. But this guy ain't in school, he is woking at a minimum wage job. How can he afford it n promise it? But the only way I can compete is by being kind and nice to her. She is going out of town next week. She will be gone for a bout 3 weeks. What should I do? How should I act? What should I say as a friend? And I know I should call her for New Years, so I will do that. I also want to send her a song through her E-mail, cell message, and give her a cd copy of thesong cuz she loves it d I ant to leave her a memory of me. I want to take her and her sister out to eat this weekend. Is that wrong? Last time I took them out, we connected and we both felt something, I know we did.
Facts out her, she loves hip hop music, she is really sensitive. She is really smart, she will know what people are trying to do.(She might know that I like her too, but she doesn't want to think she is wrong) She is a smart cookie.
well, hope to hear from you guys soon. I hope I didn't forget anything else.
Thanks guys.

"Nice Lover Boy".

Wow what a screen name. Three-in-one of complete...

....You are doomed. :bored:

Gigalo, you are not helping. By the way, why are you in search for me? You've been going around, huh? And the name is just a name. Couldn't think of something else.

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I think one fact that she wants to stay with him is cuz he promised her to get her any SUV she wants; Escalade,Navigator, Tahoe, etc...

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And let me guess -- you have been paying for both her share and yours when you go out for dinner and at the movies? I'm sorry to say this, this might be one of the reasons she is your friend.

I know, it must be hard to believe she is taking you for granted, because she seems so grateful whenever you do anything for her that you actually enjoy doing it! However, if you look at her actions, you will see she's using you.

Again, do not call her on New Year's, do not send anything, just disappear! Let her come to you.

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Originally posted by GigaloDJ
"Nice Lover Boy".

Wow what a screen name. Three-in-one of complete...

....You are doomed. :bored:

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You've already said this in his introduction. Why do you even post this kinda dribble?

Yeh Ice Queen, you are right. I have been the buyer for our entertainment. But I so afraid that she might not call me. There has been times when she has called me but I wasn't home. Therefore she also has this conscience that she probably thinks that I am home and didn't want to get the phone cuz we both have caller ID. Like she called me last monday, and no one was home, then when we talked, she didn't mention that she called me. She use to call me a while back. She would ask me,"did you, umm, e-mail me?" in a sorry way like she was expecting me to say "yes I did" but I didn't and from that very same day, she stop writing back, funny huh? I guess back in the day(like a month and a half ago) I didn't see her as my adorable sweetheart. Until we started hanging out some more, that's when that fat cubic hit me.
I just afraid that she might forget me and never call me back. Cuz I told her that I would always be there if she needed anything.
Any other advice or majestic act I could do to have her come-back to me? :upset:
Oh yeh, I gave her a X-mas gift, I didn't get one from her(she doesn't have a job right now, she stays home all day long), but I sent it through postal mail. She was very surprised to get it from me. She said, "I was so surprised when I received it". She said that she wanted to call but she though that my I would be busy with my family on the holidays.

She's engaged. That's that. Perhaps there is a future with those two.

I'm sure you two will remain friends. Hold on to that and be happy with it.

LINEBACKER 2

Oh yeh, I fogot to add;
she got engaged before we ever met. Hope that does help my situation. I was never around when she accepted. I didn't even existed for her. And now I remember why she brought up her fiance when we were "kicking it", I mention something about a friend that I liked and she mention her name. I said, "yeh, bu I'm all over her now". Then 15 min go by and "bang" she tells me about her fiance. Hopefully jealousy hit her and hopefully I'm not worng. Oh yeh, I went back to read my e-mails to her and when I read it, I sounded like a friend. I was like, "dang, why did I write like a friend"? And I remember her asking me to go to Disneyland together. I changed subjects and never said yes or no. Man, was I stupid!!!!
Please reply people. Please.

ok.. I know that you rally have feelings for this girl. Are you sure that she has feelings for you in return?

I think that if you are staying friends with this girl because you think that somehow you'll have a chance with her and you don't want to give that up... I think and I am sorry to say this... your being a little
delussional.. and this is why..

She is engaged. She gave herself away to someone. That is not something you can just change over night. I mean it sound like she is really confused but i would venture to guess she is going to stay with him. She likes you as a friend or she wouldn't even talk to you but I think you need to support her decision to be with him.

I am a little unclear about one thing.. did you sleep with her before you knew she was engaged or after?

I have never slept with her. I am not a dog looking for someplace to burry my bone, I have changed. I guess I have ghanged for her? I always told myself that if I would get a chance to be with her, I would treat her right and prepare the relationship the right way. I think I did have an oppertunity( I hope you read all my facts). I just screwed it all up. She is young, us young people just really want to grow up so fast. True fact also. I know their was something there, and it is more then just friends. I swear, she would call me up and tell me; "hey, guess what....we broke up again", like no big deal. I would say, "sorry to hear that...." and start talking but she would just say, "I kind of don't care, we are just holding eachother from the pinky now". So I mean, I don't want to be illusional also, but I believe that their is something there. Maybe the feeling has just completely went A-wall?
What have I done? Maybe the fact of me expressing my ways that I wanted to be just a friend, made her put me out as a "runner-up". Cuz I now it's hard for her to throw the engagement away, and she just needs to be sure what way she really wants to go? With me, "nice boy", or the asshole fiance? Nobody likes him, her mom and her friends like me and hope for me to take place. Her mom doesn't even know they are engaged. She just thinks they are "friends". I hope she is talking to someone about her a real decision making.

Damm...where is the rest of my help????:sad2:

Where is the rest of your help? Sometimes we have to take charge of something, like your feelings for her, instead of relying on others. I don't see you settling down as just a friend with this girl. You have already got your self emotionally attached to her.

You have a few choices

1: Giving up on her, letting her go. Because obviously yall are not together now anyway

2: Continue being a "friend" So that you eventually break down and don't want to do anything with your life untill you "have her"

3: Keep looking for real help that odds are will never come!

4: Going in an actually making an advance to her to get a rejection, with an "alleged" chance of a good response.

I think she has you by the leash and I don't even think you realize how drastic that is. So if she has you by the leash, then technically you are being a dog about it. Her actions are leading you!

Forget about "her" for just this moment. What do you want? Do you want someone who can't decide what they want? Yes she is human, and you should accept the fact that she may be confused about what she wants.....Don't let her confusion confuse you!!!!!!!

If what you say is true about there being something between the 2 of you, that doesn't say a lot for someone who is engaged to be married. I am sure she is a sweet girl, she may be just a tad to sweet.

Do you want the girl to be with you? Or do you not want to see her marry "the jerk" Which is the true priority here?

I don't see why you need advice. It's not like you're following any of what we said anyway...

well, I have been taking advice, I haven't called her or e-mailed her. But I want and hope that you guy's gave me hope and confidence to stay in there. But this is reality and not a love story. But I hope you guys read everything I have written. I tried to write every single detail do you guys could kind of visualize the situation. Shit, I know or knew, that I had an oppertunity to break it up. Well, I'll call and try to do magic. I mean I made some married women to divorce their spouse for me. Why can't I do the same here?Maybe I have? But maybe the fact that I want to see her happy declines my attitude of breaking up her engagement. Best thing to do is hang in there and hope that "homeboy" screws up again.And to answer your question, I want her to be with me.
I'm happy with her. You know something, maybe I should let her know something. I'll try to slide in a hint to her. But I am scared. Fear is my only option.

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I mean I made some married women to divorce their spouse for me.

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How about the world? Do you make it turn, as well?

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I'll try to slide in a hint to her.

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Umm.. you really think she doesn't KNOW how you feel about her?

True, she probably knows. But maybe I master minded the situation where it hide my feelings for her becuase everytime she kept talking to me about her fiance arguing, I was their to tell her to hold on, yah know? Man, now I so confused. Don't know what to do but pray?
Why did she call me the day after when I told her; "you know that a guy feels good when a girl calls him".
It get's me insane.

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Originally posted by IceQueen
Prediction: she and he will eventually break up, but it won't be you she ends up with. And she will be right.

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Exactement.

Stay away from engaged girls or those who have been cohabitating for a while. And just because her friends want you over the other doesn't mean sh!t. The thing is, you've been a PLATONIC friend for a long while, odds are you won't be able to change that any time soon. She probably knows about your interest in her but she won't go for you anytime soon.

Find someone else.

You won't end up with this girl. Forget her. She's out messing with this other guy, and you're only here for her to talk to when something wrong happens and she wants someone to cry to. Screw that beeeyatch!

Hey, did I mention that her parents don't know about the engagement???? Yeh, if she does break up, maybe she will find someone else? But she won't feel comfertible cuz she wants to go back into her religion. She wants her faith back. She has been going to church since birth, and she wants to go back. And well, I am alike her also. We both grew up in church(not catholic, christian yes). Her fiance does not like church, and that's a big must for her. But, I guess most of you guys are telling to be her friend still, hurts me.....

I'm sorry, but why on earth did she get engaged with someone so opposite from herself? What did she see in this guy you describe?

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Originally posted by apiman
I'm sorry, but why on earth did she get engaged with someone so opposite from herself? What did she see in this guy you describe?

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Yeh dude, I'm wondering the same thing. And wondering why she hasn't left him yet? Maybe she is a gold digger??lol. nah, just kidding.

crazy mess man...
If I were you I would let her go....
I think she likes the idea that you are "drooling" after her.. There are women who do exactly what you are indrectly saying.. Keep a guy in "the wings" incase.
You seem to nice of a guy to do that to yourself.

I know this isn't what you want to hear.. and you can do whatever you want but remember .. just cause we are women, doesn;t mean we can't play "the game".

yeh, It's not what I want to hear, but everyone who is replying seems to be giving me the same response. Man, this sucks. But read all the details, there has got to be something that looks good.