Forgetting first love to new relationship? Feedback needed

Hey everyone,

I wanna thank you guys for reading this, and hopefully you can give me some insight as to if this is normal or not...

My ex-girlfriend was my first deep love. I've only had 2 serious girlfriends, and she was 1 of them. We dated for 2 1/2 years (from Soph. year to Senior year of HS---I'm a soph. in college now), and we ended because I was flirting in text messages with her really close friend, and I lied about it (because I was scared to hurt her...high school relationships man)---she said that was like cheating to her, and we ended. She was present/absent in my life on and off for the past year, she would mess with my head---saying she loved me still, but then would not speak with me for weeks or months at a time....but then re-appear with those words to keep me hanging on for hope. It wasn't until this past summer, she hadn't spoken to me for weeks, and I called her to finally stand up to her----tell her if she wanted to be with me, then I'm waiting for her---if not, I'm out. In that conversation, she said she was now seeing someone, and this KILLED me inside....so I got my closure, and focused truly on moving on. I noticed I was shying girls off because I was scared to get into a relationship again---scared that I could possibly be happy with someone else OTHER than my ex-girlfriend...and that I would NEVER feel what I did in a relationship like I did with my ex-girlfriend...

In steps my present girlfriend, who is one of the most amazing, sweet, caring, and loyal girls I've ever met in my life. She's so beautiful, and I definately feel for her. We've been dating for around 3 weeks now, but sometimes, my mind gets full of doubt---like wondering if she's the one for me, or just thinking about my ex-girlfriend sometimes---not in a 'I wanna be with her' way, just like thinking of her. I feel like my ex-girlfriend should not even be in my mind, because I wanna be 100% about my present girlfriend, because she really deserves it. I pray to God to help me lose these random doubts, but I KNOW that my girlfriend now could really be something good...I truly love being with her, and I think she's such a genuine girl, and I do wanna continue on with her...I just wish I wouldn't have those random moments of doubt for whatever reason they come for.

So what's wrong with me? Is this normal? Am I just still not used to being in a relationship after such a serious one? Will these thoughts pass?

They will if you let them. You're grabbing every random thought that flies by and making it far more significant than it needs to be.

This is your second relationship, and it's new. Of course thoughts of your previous experience will pop up- you'd be a total freak of nature if they didn't. Doubts are normal too. It doesn't mean they're some edict from on high- they're just doubts.

Think of them like little birds that fly in and out- do you obsess about the little birds? No. You let them fly away and forget about them almost instantly, and get back to what you were doing.

But how do I let it by? When they come to mind, or I hear a song that reminds me of my ex-girlfriend, I think about it for minutes I find.

And we don't talk anymore either...it's just weird, and I feel like I should not be thinking those thoughts cus it's taking away from my present girlfriend who I dig, you know?

I think this is natural after what you've gone through. I think that you should just 'go with the flow' in terms of seeing whether things will work out or not. I think it's a bit early to be thinking if she's 'the one' or whatnot. I mean, it has only been 3 weeks.

As for letting it by, it's self-explanatory: just let it and don't try to block its path and keep it there. Try to reduce the thinking time about your ex-girlfriend somehow.

Try to reclaim those songs, take them back from your ex. This is difficult, but possible.

Are you questioning whether or not you're ready for another relationship?

Not really...I mean it's been almost 2 years since my ex and I broke up, and I just feel like I could easily sit and stew over her for years, but I need to taker control and see what else is out there, you know? And I love being with my girlfriend right now---everything, spending tme with her, being with her, talking, kissing...it's amazing. She's amazing...

But there will just be those times where my ex will come into my mind, and I didn't know if that was normal....and it wasn't before me and my present girlfriend were official, but it's definately on a daily basis.

Is this bad?

I think maybe the little things your gf does now or the feelings your are getting in the right now becuz its new, is the reason you are remembering your ex so much. Its normal. Your ex moved on and now its your turn to. So do it. Just take things as they come and go with the flow.

Oh yeah, and right now don't worry about "the one". YOu are only what about 19 maybe 20 right? You have a long time to worry about settling down. Now is your time to have fun. So do it!

Just relax.

You're going through normal feelings, and they'll pass. Quit dwelling so much on whether they're right or wrong--that'll keep them there.

Oh my God! It's Ellynn! Girlie, I have missed you so much! Will you post an update thread?

I want to thank all of you guys for the comments back, I really appreciate it.

I just find it so hard to just let those thoughts of my past relationship pass right through right now, so hopefully I can focus on not worrying about it, and realize that it's normal. But I don't miss HER----I miss US, if that makes any sense? Like I'm not attracted to her anymore, or anythning like that----just what we had?

Because then I start worrying "Oh no, should I break up with my present girlfriend because I think about my past relationship too much?" and then I wory about that!

I'm just a mess right now I guess...

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

They will if you let them. You're grabbing every random thought that flies by and making it far more significant than it needs to be.

This is your second relationship, and it's new. Of course thoughts of your previous experience will pop up- you'd be a total freak of nature if they didn't. Doubts are normal too. It doesn't mean they're some edict from on high- they're just doubts.

Think of them like little birds that fly in and out- do you obsess about the little birds? No. You let them fly away and forget about them almost instantly, and get back to what you were doing.

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It's true. Don't give every scenario too many (if any) thought. Things that you know that are ridiculous, stray your mind away from. Find your happy spot. Think about what this relationship really is to you. Again, if its just the "fate'" thing, like one day you/she don't/doesn't feel like going with you/her anymore don't blow it away so quick. Let time recover the injuries. Hopefully you will get a wonderful time with your girl. You deserve it.

For me, the fundamental question is if she came back into my life, and said "I really love you, do you want to be with me?" what would my response be?

And the truth is, I don't know what it would be! That's what scares me the most...what do you guys think?

It's just so odd because I KNOW the girl I'm witrh now adores me, and I think the world of her----but these thoughts and doubts just keep coming into play, and I hate it.

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Originally Posted by fitnessguy014 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

For me, the fundamental question is if she came back into my life, and said "I really love you, do you want to be with me?" what would my response be?

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This is the question you need to STOP asking yourself.

It has about a 5% chance of happening. No use worrying about something that most likely won't happen.

You're not over your ex. I feel sorry for your new girl.

But see, I think I choose to keep thinking about the relationship I had with my ex, by dwelling on those coming/passing thoughts---I'm definately all about this girl right now.

Life's all about choices. It'll pass, like you guys said....I already feel it getting better thanks to all of your guys' replies, and assuring me it's normal (it means a lot to me that you tookt he time to read about my boring life haha).

hey man,
ive been in a relationship recently with a girl that has a problem very simular to yours, and i also just got out of a 2 1/2 year long relationship less than a month ago (different than the girl with the simularities), and im guessin im around the same age (20 for me) so i will try and analyze how you might be feelin so please correct me where im wrong.

you can only start healing from your past relationship once you realize where the pain is coming from, this is also going to prevent you from using future girlfriends to cover the pain ( i like to use the analogy of placing a bandaid over a gunshot wound). you say that you miss the 'us' instead of 'her', this is because you actually miss the happiness that you felt when you were with her. every time you think about her you remind yourself of that happiness you felt, and whenever you are with another girl you become afraid that you cannot surpass that happiness. you are creating your own downside, your heart is still attached to the feelings you experienced while in love with ur past gf, therefore it is closed to absorbing equal or greater feelings from other girls without wanting to return to the known experiences.

YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON THAT CAN DECIDE IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPIER. so do you want to keep those known experiences or do you want to be happier than you ever imagined? the only way you can get over your past gf is by wanting yourself to grow and become better than before, you are only tricking yourself whenever you remember that past happiness because you in turn think it is happening now but you arnt, it is like a drug and you are addicted. you must break your addiction by wanting more, you have to find that motivation within yourself to change.

the only advice through example i can give you is what ive realized this past month after breaking up with my first true love. 'love' alone cannot bring you true happiness in a relationship, a mutual respect between each other is needed, and your past gf obviously did not respect you the same ways you did her if she has teased you into feeling things that she obviously did not recipricate. you should want better for yourself, and you can find better, but only if you open your heart and mind to other people. once i realized i could deal with the pain of not having my first love and finding out i did not miss her as much as the feeling of always having someone that wanted and needed me, i no longer worried about using future girls to fill her spot. i know that my mourning is ok because i am still recovering from the normality i had grown into during those 2 1/2 years. it is different for you because you have already had another 2 years of being without your first love but if you never realized the difference and importance of changing you should address that now, and it should help with wanting more than your past feelings of love. i forced myself to remember the feelings i had with my first love and why i wanted to move on. it is the most painfull thing i have ever felt but i knew that i had to face it or it would effect everything else the rest of my life, we change so much during our 20s, it is very hard to find someone that will be able to change the same ways along with us.

i hope what ive said can help, and im interested if you find some other ways to get closure from your first love because im still friends with the girl with the same problem as you, and i would like to help her as well. sry for being so long but i tend to ramble somewhat, if you have any questions please ask because talking about it helps me out a lot too. thx.

OH MY GOD- This is my favorite new poster. This guy is great! (Now don't turn into an ass and make a liar out of me.)