Dear John, Confused

I have dated this girl for three and a half years. Everything started a year or so ago when I was working for a company and putting long days of work. I would come home and she wanted to do something because she was bored all day but I was so tired I couldn't do anything but sleep or relax. She lost her sex drive around this time and it was the first time we EVER fought.

I graduated and she still had one year of high school left. I went to a technical school close by to try and finish an associate’s degree I was working on. During this school year she started meeting a lot of new people. It kind of worried me because she never wanted to do stuff with friends and me at the same time it was always one or the other. About half way through the school year she told me she was starting to like this guy. I took it kind of hard because I am a jealous person and have been cheated on before. I got through it because I figured if she was going to pursue it she would have and not told me about it or would have broken it off. We agreed to work through it. She told him that she liked him and they pretty much stopped talking for the most part. She would still see him and do stuff with him when other where around but nothing alone with him. The school year was coming to an end and I was again kind of feeling left out because she didn't want me to go to any graduation parties with her. She said it was because I didn't know any of them and I said that’s because I never got the chance too. I got over it for the most part because I knew she would be going to college and never see most of them anyways. We could find new friends. We were making plans for when she went to college. she was going to go to a college 400 miles away. I was going to finish and then move out to an apartment and we were going to live together.


The summer went ok. For some reason I do really remember much from it. I know I was gone for like 2 weeks without her for training. We did have a few problems because she said she said we didn’t have any excitement anymore. She said she didn’t get anything from kissing me. I told her that it is normal. At least from what I have seen and read about long relationships. The fun and excitement doesn’t last forever right? I am the kind of guy that likes to cuddle and I remember her telling me off and getting angry when I would try to kiss her. She said she didn’t get anything from it. She didn’t like just lying around and being with me anymore like she used to. I didn’t pass some classes and I ended up dropping out of school. I didn’t have enough money to move out and get and apartment so we started exploring other ways of making it so we could be together.

She went off to school. It didn't bother me I like driving so I know I could see her. Well the first few weeks were great I seen her and we had a good time. She still didn't really have a sex drive still and we were trying to find a way to fix it. We decided that I was going to join the Army National Guard and go to a school near hers. Then we would get an apartment together and I would attend an ROTC and the college. I joined and everything seemed like it was going to work out really good. She started talking about people she meet and about this guy at work. I started getting funny feelings again. Our relationship wasn't the best at the time because our schedules where conflicting and I couldn't get out there to see her. She didn’t seem excited to see me or talk to me anymore, even though she was 400 miles away. When I called her she didn’t really feel like talking. She said there was nothing to talk about. When she came home she would have plans made with others before she even got home. She would then tell me when I could see her or we could do something. Once again she was doing things with friends. Never both! This made me kind of upset and I would tell her. She would typically brush it off and say I didn’t know her friends and it would be weird for me.

She started hanging out with this guy from work a lot. Going over to his dorm and eating with him. I started feeling uncomfortable and told her. I did tell her I didn’t want her spending so much time around him. She got very defensive and said how I shouldn’t tell her who she can and cannot hang around. I told her it wouldn’t be a problem if our relationship was good but by hanging around him so much it would endangering our relationship. She made me feel bad for telling her she couldn’t hang around him and I starting thinking it was pretty dumb of me. But I still didn’t like it too much. She continued to hang out with him and I just let it go. After all they were just friends. I would get angry sometimes when I knew she was suppose to be around and she wouldn’t answer her phone or anything then she would call me like one or two hours later and say she was with the guy from work and her phone was on silent. This made me feel very uncomfortable.

We ended up getting into a fight and she said she needed to know if I was really with one for her. I am the only person she ever dated and she wanted to know for sure I was the one. We took a break and I told her to let me know when she knew. It only took two days and she called and told me she knew. I was excited but very leery and kept asking how do you know? It has only been TWO days! I think this made her upset her because she was expecting me to be excited. I didn’t feel that way. I was happy but it still didn’t feel right. She then told me the following day she made a mistake. I think she actually talked to the guy from work about it and it made her feel bad that she may not get to see him as much anymore. She called me and told me she needed more time. She also told me I didn’t react the way she expected and kind of said it was my fault. I said ok. I figured either way I will come out good. Because if she wants me then she will come back and if not I wouldn’t have wasted all my time trying to fix it. This time it lasted about 2 weeks. It was pretty fast for me because I was busy. I went out to the same town as her for an event and she insisted we meet up. We did and she told me she needed me back. She was actually excited to be with me again. She even wanted to kiss and she was buying sex books and stuff to try and get her sex drive back.

The next few weeks were all right. I talked to her but she still seemed distant and was still doing things with the guy from work. I didn’t really mind because she told me and she didn’t try to hide it. I would get kind of upset though when I wanted to talk and she would just blow me off because she was with him.

The day before I come to get her and bring her home for Christmas break she tells me she likes the guy from work. My heart just like fell to the floor. I didn’t even know what to say! I gave her all these chances and I warned in the beginning that by hanging around a guy when our relationship wasn’t the best that this would happen. I wanted to say I TOLD YOU SO! Her mother picked her up versus me because she told her mom what happened and her mom was scared to let me pick her up. I was kind of bummed because I wanted to talk with her on the ride home and see what was going on. I seen her that night and we talked a bit and had an ok time. I took her out to dinner like we planned. The next day she needed me to fix her computer and for the next few days that’s what she kept saying, "I need my computer" or "do you want me to come over so you can finish my computer." it made me feel kind of used because we didn’t really talk about the guy issue at all yet. Then Christmas Eve came and she had family stuff going on. For some reason she already decided she didn’t want me to go the Christmas Eve stuff but I would go with her to the Christmas day stuff. When I was working on her computer Christmas Eve after her stuff was done she said “I have to go to the Christmas thing tomorrow”... I said “I’m going too I thought?” and she said she didn’t want me too. This made me kind of upset. I told her I felt like she was using me to fix her computer. I told her I think the real reason she doesn’t want me to go the family events is because she didn’t want to explain why we are not longer together after she breaks ties with me. She got very upset and said I was overreacting. We talked about me leaving for basic and she said she couldn’t handle me being away for 4 months. We ended up breaking up.

Continued in next post.

I wasn’t going to talk to her but I had to I was very lonely. I still felt we could make it work. At the same time I felt like she has treated me really bad. I called her. She said she just needed time and she wanted to wait until she went to the doctors. She was going to the doctor to have some tests done to see if she needed medication for her sex drive problems. She insisted that is why we were having problems. This is why she didn’t feel attached to me and wasn’t excited to be with me. At the same time though she said she wants to flirt with other people and have fun at college. She said she didn’t want to miss this opportunity. I asked her what she her idea of fun is and what she thinks flirting will turn into. She said I don’t know. I said it will turn into sex and drinking and she insisted it wouldn’t and that I know she isn’t like that. I couldn’t understand how if she has no sex drive why she would want to flirt with other people. I asked about the guy from work and I asked what she sees in him and she listed a bunch of stuff I don’t have that he does. She said how he is always doing something and we never do anything anymore. She also would tell me how she sees us being married and with kids and all that other good stuff but she wants to have fun right now. I said why she can’t have fun and flirt when we are still together and she said it wasn’t that same. She told me that if she found out I was really the one she wouldn’t hang out with the guy from work and she said she would handle me being away at Basic Training. She told me about the guy wanting to come and visit her here. This made me feel like shit. I couldn’t believe that he was actually planning to come here. She also told me that he told her that he was going to steal her heart. She told me again that she just needed time.

I surprised her at home one day because I couldn’t get her out of my head. I was really happy to talk to her in person and I felt really good. We actually talked about some meaningful stuff for the first time in a long time and tried to figure out plans for OUR future. Things like what we should do after I get back from basic and how we could live together. We ended that night with a make out session brought on by her. I asked what we are and she said I just want to see what happens when I go to the doctors. She still needed time.

After the doctors she tells me they did tests and the results wouldn’t be back for a while. She told me she had been thinking and she said she just wants to have fun right now and she is not ready for a relationship. She said maybe someday it will work out but not now. I am leaving for Basic training at the end of the month. She was making it sound like when I got back that she would want me back. And that it would work out. I told her if we are no longer that we cannot be friends and cannot talk because all I would hope for is us getting back together. I would never move on. I said my good bye, she wished me luck at basic.

I wrote a good bye email and cried the whole time. I missed her more the anything and I couldn’t stop thinking about her. The next day I was waiting to hear back but I never did. I couldn’t take it anymore. I called the next day and asked her what was up and if she got the email she said she did. She said she cried before she even read it. She said that she thought we were not going to talk and I said I couldn’t do that. I told her I was thinking about her and I just had to talk to her. She said she was going skiing tomorrow with the guy from work...

Last night all I was thinking about was her with this guy, her skiing and having fun with him. I’m thinking she is probably staying at a hotel with him like when she and I used to go skiing. I can take it! All I can think about is her. All I want to do is talk to her. I don’t know what to do. I have lost my best friend and girlfriend all in one shot. I have nobody to talk to about it because she was all I had. One part of me says just give up she is not right for you and she has been a bitch. I feel I have done everything for her and she has returned nothing. But I can’t stop thinking about her. I don’t know what to do.

i appreciate anyone that reads through this thanks for listening.

I read the whole thing.

First of all, she's not a bitch. I should know. What she is is confused and trying really hard not to hurt you too much while trying to put a little distance between you. I don't think she sounds like she's strong enough to do that on her own, which is where the other guys come in. She's using them to keep you at bay. She's probably using you to keep them at bay as well.

IMO, her sex drive problems are the symptom, not the cause. They indicate that she doesn't want to get closer to you. If she had never liked sex, it would be one thing, but she seems to have changed in that regard during the course of your relationship. I don't think a doctor is the answer for her.

So what so you do? You go to basic. You throw yourself into your own pursuits and you give that girl some time to do whatever she needs to do. Maybe someday she'll come back to you. It's been known to happen.

But for now... let her go.

Man.... When there's another guy in the picture, it's a recipe for disaster... I still stick to my theory that there's no such thing as "friends" between opposite sexex! That's why we were made this way to draw sexual attraction... I think she's taking you for a fool and screwing with your brains (going skiing with some dude and staying in hotel with him?) hm... what would you do if you were in his shoes? I don't know about you but I would bang a hot chick after a day of skiing especially if there's no strings attached, imagine being married to a person like that... Cut her lose... No, you didn't lose friend and a girlfriend in one shot, you've lost bitch and disaster waiting to happen and someone who was taking you for granted! No contact and give it at least 6 months and you'll be fine. Take care.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I read the whole thing.

First of all, she's not a bitch. I should know. What she is is confused and trying really hard not to hurt you too much while trying to put a little distance between you. I don't think she sounds like she's strong enough to do that on her own, which is where the other guys come in. She's using them to keep you at bay. She's probably using you to keep them at bay as well.

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I know she isn't a Bitch but i do feel like she has treated me like crap this past few months and why do i deserve that? She tells me she still loves me and she can see herself with me in the future, but know right now. Tell me how that is putting distance between us? Sounds to me like she wants to stay close. She tells me that she wants to see me when i get back from Basic Training. I don't know about you but it sounds like she wants me to be around, she still has feelings. if she wants distance and she doesn't want to hurt me why wouldn't she tell me the truth and tell me that i don't do it for her anymore and to get away. At least that way i could move on! As for using a guy to keep me at bay WTF! If i didn't want to hurt someone that would be that last thing i would do would jump right on to someone else and let them know! I mean get real.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

IMO, her sex drive problems are the symptom, not the cause. They indicate that she doesn't want to get closer to you. If she had never liked sex, it would be one thing, but she seems to have changed in that regard during the course of your relationship. I don't think a doctor is the answer for her.

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I asked her straight out if it was me! I even went to the point where i told her it was me! She didn't think so and insisted it was some hormonal thing. Honestly i think she never really did enjoy sex. I think it was good in the beginning because she never experienced it before, and at the time it was breaking the rules and exciting. Now it was just sex. If it was just plain me then she could have given it a chance and maybe it wouldn't have been boring.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So what so you do? You go to basic. You throw yourself into your own pursuits and you give that girl some time to do whatever she needs to do. Maybe someday she'll come back to you. It's been known to happen.

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I am going to go to Basic there is no question there. The question is what are my pursuits. My life was planned around this girl and that is what i wanted and what i still want, someone to share my life with. I find it VERY hard to trust people and she was and still is the only person i have ever fully trusted. I want to be with somebody i trust and love, from there all i want to do is please them, that is what my pursuit is. That is gone, for now. Give her time to do what she needs to? I have given her all the time in the world. If what she wants to do is flirt with other guys and be a slut i don't want to wait around for it to come back to me because i would never take her back for that.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

But for now... let her go.

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I want to let her go but until i can understand why it came to this i don't think i can. If i did everything right why did it come to this? How can i treat someone like a princess and give them everything and they just walk away. All this tells me is no matter what i ever do for somebody it will never be enough and they will always want the things i cannot give them.

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Originally Posted by Lionos [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Man.... When there's another guy in the picture, it's a recipe for disaster... I still stick to my theory that there's no such thing as "friends" between opposite sexex! That's why we were made this way to draw sexual attraction... I think she's taking you for a fool and screwing with your brains (going skiing with some dude and staying in hotel with him?) hm... what would you do if you were in his shoes? I don't know about you but I would bang a hot chick after a day of skiing especially if there's no strings attached, imagine being married to a person like that... Cut her lose... No, you didn't lose friend and a girlfriend in one shot, you've lost bitch and disaster waiting to happen and someone who was taking you for granted! No contact and give it at least 6 months and you'll be fine. Take care.

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This is exactly what is running through my head when i try to sleep at night.

Is that what it takes to get over someone is 6 months. I really just want answers. I don’t want to spend the next 6 months getting over something. Especially if shit like this runs though my head everyday.

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Originally Posted by invisableflames [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This is exactly what is running through my head when i try to sleep at night.

Is that what it takes to get over someone is 6 months. I really just want answers. I don’t want to spend the next 6 months getting over something. Especially if shit like this runs though my head everyday.

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Well tell you what! 6 months ago I broke up with my fiance, we were dating for four years and were engaged two out of them, now i can see things more clearly and i don't feel as bad anymore.

I'm not saying you will be complitely over her, i still have flash backs too, but when i think about it i can clearly see that she wouldn't last in a long run, and this is not what I want. You will be better off without her. And stop punishing yourself, after all she was putting you thru all this shit, not you! She was the one who wasn't sure, NOT YOU! She was hanging out with that guy and you stayed there loving and waiting for her and i don't think it's fair!

So, it's her fault not yours...

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I read the whole thing.

First of all, she's not a bitch. I should know.

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No Giga, SHE IS A BICTH, THE BITCH.....

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Originally Posted by Lionos [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

No Giga, SHE IS A BICTH, THE BITCH.....

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Meh, she's an amateur. I've seen bitches that make her look like an angel.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Meh, she's an amateur. I've seen bitches that make her look like an angel.

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i'm sure you have (in the mirror?:)) amateur or mature still a bitch. Bitches are born not made!:)

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Originally Posted by Lionos [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

i'm sure you have (in the mirror?) amateur or mature still a bitch. Bitches are born not made!

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Yeah, that's me.

No, my brother has dated some of the world's worst women. Evil.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yeah, that's me.

No, my brother has dated some of the world's worst women. Evil.

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i don't jon about him. But i certainly have!

anyway invisableflames man, look at it as at deep cutting wound. It's gonna hurt like a bitch man, then the pain will seize and only going to bother you when you accidently press or touch your wound (memories, flash backs, etc,) you can sew your wound by falling into rebound relationship or having friends with benefits... In the end your wound will heal, and you will have scar, yup, it's a life experience! Now, under no circumstances or conditions CALL OR MAKE any contact with her! Clank your teeth and take it like a man because this would be disturbing your wound while it needs healing! Keep yourself busy do anything but don't pick up that phone or answer that sms message!

Listen to Lio. He knows.

Thanks for the advice. i don't really have any close friends anymore so i think mostly i just needed to get all my frustrations out by letting someone know exactly how i felt. She was the only one that i could talk to before and without that i was lost. I now realize that I'm not alone and i need to move on. i am going to try my best and try not to talk to her. I really appreciate you guys listening to me and actually reading that damn thing!

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Originally Posted by invisableflames [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thanks for the advice. i don't really have any close friends anymore so i think mostly i just needed to get all my frustrations out by letting someone know exactly how i felt. She was the only one that i could talk to before and without that i was lost. I now realize that I'm not alone and i need to move on. i am going to try my best and try not to talk to her. I really appreciate you guys listening to me and actually reading that damn thing!

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No Problemo, I went thru same shit you did, and I know how it feels... So I do my best to help one of us NOW! Ya'll be all right...

I've been through nearly the exact same thing.

She's NOT a bitch. Relax. She's figuring shit out, and clearly, a four year relationship when she was that young has put a lot of pressure on her.

You didn't do anything wrong, but honestly, neither did she. Just let her go, as hard as that is, and move on.

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Originally Posted by Mathias [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I've been through nearly the exact same thing.

She's NOT a bitch. Relax. She's figuring shit out, and clearly, a four year relationship when she was that young has put a lot of pressure on her.

You didn't do anything wrong, but honestly, neither did she. Just let her go, as hard as that is, and move on.

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Yeah.... real hard on her. She got everything she ever wanted and some. Now she just wanted someone else, and guess what she has that. So this has been a real hard time on her I'm sure...

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Originally Posted by invisableflames [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yeah.... real hard on her. She got everything she ever wanted and some. Now she just wanted someone else, and guess what she has that. So this has been a real hard time on her I'm sure...

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Ah, the bitter ex.

I feel bad for you, I really do. I never said this has been a "hard time" on her. Just because you "gave" her stuff doesn't mean she owes you a relationship. She has to be true to herself, and that didn't include you.

She didn't do anything wrong here. You think she did, because you're having a hard time accepting it. That's fine...but anger at her is not the answer to getting over this.

Listen to Mathias. He knows stuff.

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Originally Posted by Mathias [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Ah, the bitter ex.

I feel bad for you, I really do. I never said this has been a "hard time" on her. Just because you "gave" her stuff doesn't mean she owes you a relationship. She has to be true to herself, and that didn't include you.

She didn't do anything wrong here. You think she did, because you're having a hard time accepting it. That's fine...but anger at her is not the answer to getting over this.

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I'm not saying she owes me a relationship. I do think she owes me some respect. Why did she wait so long? Why would she tell me she is not ready for a relationship, yet have a different guy lined up already? Why would she tell me she still loves me? i just want closure! Thats what i think she owes me.

No matter how much i think i don't i know i still love her. But i don't see how she can say she loves me and then go off with another guy and still tell me someday we may work out! If she wants someone else she can't love me and if she can't work our problems out now how will we work them out in the future? I feel like she is playing games with me and i don't deserve that. thats what i am, saying. if i get tagged a bitter ex for that then i guess i am.

You guys were too young for such a lengthy relationship. Now she is doing what she is supposed to be doing at her age, and also what YOU should be doing, which is DATING. She is trying to maintain some sort of connection with you because, although she isn't ready to settle down, she DOES care about you.

Closure will not come for you until after you have achieved acceptance.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Closure will not come for you until after you have achieved acceptance.

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Golden words Vashti... Yah, Man, anger, frustration, denial.... who cares.... if she loved or cared she just simply wouldn't be doin stuff like this...! Stay Strong!

If it makes you feel any better, just tell yourself that she did the best she could. She's limited, like everyone. I'm sure whatever pain she caused you wasn't out of malice but out of simply being human.

It might be good for you to forgive her and move on.

How do i move on?

What do i need to do to get her out of my head. I cannot sleep at night because i am used of hearing her voice before i go to sleep. Any time i have a second, i pull out my phone and want to call her like old times. I want to know what she is doing and how she feels. I want to hear her voice. I cannot get her out of my head. Maybe she was a bitch maybe she wasn't, maybe she needed room, maybe she was too young! I don't really care anymore. I know it will not work between us anymore but yet i cannot get her out of my head. As soon as i have a free second i am thinking about her! I leave for Basic Training it 3 weeks. So i just can't go out and find someone else to attach too. Also my friends will be going back to school at the end of the week which means all i will be doing is thinking about her until i leave!

I can't TAKE IT! Everything i do, Everything i see reminds me of her. My car, my phone, my computer games, my ****ing reflection. Every time i think she is there. I can not sleep, i haven't been hungry, and i feel it will only get worse. I want to move on but i don't know how! I wish i had someone to talk too, but she is the only one that would and understand.

Help

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Originally Posted by invisableflames [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

How do i move on?

What do i need to do to get her out of my head. I cannot sleep at night because i am used of hearing her voice before i go to sleep. Any time i have a second, i pull out my phone and want to call her like old times. I want to know what she is doing and how she feels. I want to hear her voice. I cannot get her out of my head. Maybe she was a bitch maybe she wasn't, maybe she needed room, maybe she was too young! I don't really care anymore. I know it will not work between us anymore but yet i cannot get her out of my head. As soon as i have a free second i am thinking about her! I leave for Basic Training it 3 weeks. So i just can't go out and find someone else to attach too. Also my friends will be going back to school at the end of the week which means all i will be doing is thinking about her until i leave!

I can't TAKE IT! Everything i do, Everything i see reminds me of her. My car, my phone, my computer games, my ****ing reflection. Every time i think she is there. I can not sleep, i haven't been hungry, and i feel it will only get worse. I want to move on but i don't know how! I wish i had someone to talk too, but she is the only one that would and understand.

Help

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First, take a deep breath and calm down.

If you are leaving for basic training in three weeks, you should not be attaching yourself to ANYONE.

Why don't you look into taking some fitness classes (yoga would help you to learn to relax) and doing some volunteer work for the next three weeks? Physically exhausting yourself should help, and "Meals on Wheels" always needs drivers, and it would give you the opportunity to see what real suffering is.

I don't mean to minimize your pain; I only want you to have a healthier perspective.

That kind of came out wrong I'm not looking for someone to attach to. I was stating i know i cannot attach to someone because i am leaving. I know that is usually what people do, try a rebound thing or something. Even if i wasn't leaving i have trust issues and it is very hard for me to find friends let alone someone i can actually feel comfortable talking to in person. I know i cannot get involved with anyone for at least another 5 months.

I volunteer already and i still find free time, between that and working. Also like i said i cannot sleep this is when i think most. How can i not think about her at these times?

You need to be more physically exhausted. Try some serious yard work. I mean it.

I told her that we couldn't be friends because i would always want more. She wanted to be friends. I want to contact her to see how she feels without me but i feel she will tell me something i don't want to hear. On the other side if i don't contact her i pushed her away and maybe she thinks i don't want anything to do with her!

Also how do i know how i feel? All i can do is think about her, but i still feel like she cheated on me for lack of better words. Even if she does want me what would i do. If she doesn't will it be easier to get over her? I don't know what to do.

I guess this is where the saying "You can't live with them, and you can't live without them" comes from.

If this is what love is i never want it again.

You aren't even reading my responses, are you? ::sigh::

You must practice NO CONTACT. You cannot be friends with this person. That is all.

I am reading your responses. I just hate this. I do appreciate all your help.

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Originally Posted by invisableflames [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I am reading your responses. I just hate this. I do appreciate all your help.

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Go read my threads in this forum.

I went through the EXACT same thing. I updated pretty frequently.

I got over it very well. Hopefully that can help you.

Some of the advice that people are giving you is horrible.

So says the guy that's been stuck on the same girl since... when? Was it junior high?

Anyway, there isn't anything that will help when a person is committed to maintaining the emotional fantasy. After all, moving on - even in your head - means that you have given up hope for this relationship, and some people need to have that hope remain intact.