Married, but in love with someone else

Hi All,

I am new here and looking for advice. I have been married for 13 years to a man that has not always been to good to me. I have stayed in the relationship for the kids and have always been very faithful even though I haven't always been happy. He on the other hand, has cheated on me numerous times, and I always have taken him back. There is no passion between us, it is just comfortable so we stay together. We love each other, but I not sure we are in love anymore?

I have always kicked my self in the butt for not pursing a relationship with my best (guy) friend in High School. We were always together, the best of friends and really close, but when he told me he "liked" me, I was too afraid that if it didn't work out I would loose him as a friend, and I wasn't about to let that happen, he meant the world to me. He went on to get married to a girl that didn't understand we were just friends, and we weren't allowed to hang out and be friends anymore. I really missed him over the years, but there wasn't much I could do about it.

His wife died suddenly about 8 months ago, and we have since started hanging out a little bit. I think he is starting to be ready to move on with his life, as he seems to be getting pretty close to one of our old friends who is going through a divorce. I want so badly to be with him, but I don't want him to think cheating on my husband is something I normally do. In fact I wouldn't cheat, I would tell my husband first I wanted out of the marriage. I seriously think I would give up my marriage to be with him, but he is too nice to ever let me know if he was interested in me, even if he was, as I am married. I feel like if I do have a chance to finally be with him, I don't want to miss that chance again, because once he is commited (sp) to someone else, that will be it.

How in the world do I find out if he possibly feels the same way without looking like a major jerk and possibly loosing him as a friend? I knew I missed him over the years, but didn't realize just how much until we started hanging out again. Sorry this is so long, but your advice would be very much appreciated.

cry me a river. If you truly want out of your marriage, then get a divorce. You sound like a f*cking monkey - you won't let go of one branch (guy) until you're holding on to another. Don't let your fate hinge on whether this friend likes you or not.

After 13 years with your "friend", the passion won't be the same, either. Do your kids a favor - if they love their dad and he is good to them, get it together. He may have cheated in the past, but you already took him back, which implies you forgave him. That means you aren't allowed to throw it back in his face when a new guy comes around. Recognize your crush for what it is - a crush. If you can't control your emotions, then you should stop hanging around him (your "friend"). And find yourself a best *girl* friend. Sexual tension always gets in the way of male/female best friends.

EDIT: BTW - You say he hasn't *always* been good to you, which I understand to mean he is not bad to you now...

You can call me what you want I really don't care, I know I am a good person who has sacrificed years of my own happiness for my kids. Not to mention I really don't want to hurt my husband even though he has hurt me multiple times. I don't take hurting people to lightly. So if you don't have anything nice to say...don't bother posting. Were you not taught any manners? Did you ever here the one....."If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?"

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Originally Posted by 3spoiledpups [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You can call me what you want I really don't care, I know I am a good person who has sacrificed years of my own happiness for my kids.

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I don't know if you were referring to me or neo, but sacrifice is what parents are *supposed* to do. When they grow up and go away, your life will once again be your own.

At least, that's the way *I* see it...

I agree with Neo........the fate of your marriage should not be resting on whether or not this guy wants a relationship with you. It reeks of insecurity and dependency........like you're afraid to be alone.

Not to mention the fact that if you do get out of your marriage, you're going to need some time to sort yourself out and do some soul searching before you even think of getting back into another relationship. Its simply not fair to the other person. Not to mention your husband......if you're at a point in your marriage where you're considering leaving him for someone else, you need to have a long discussion with him, or some counselling. And of course you need to consider your children as well. Bottom line is, your issues here affect more than just yourself. Think about that.

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Originally Posted by 3spoiledpups [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So if you don't have anything nice to say...don't bother posting. Were you not taught any manners? Did you ever here the one....."If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?"

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All I have to say is, the truth hurts. We spit it straight on here. Its not intended to be mean, but no one here is going to hold your hand and sympathize when you're making a bad decision.

When I first came on here with my problems, I got totally kicked in the ass, but it was what I needed. Its called a reality check.

you guys really can't make an educated opinion when you don't know the whole story and it would take me all night to list all the nasty stuff my husband has done to me. Cheated on me while I was pregnant with our first and second child, Belittles me, verbal abuse, said he was going to kill me, just to name a few things, but trust me the list goes on. He's not that bad anymore by any means, but some things you just can't forget. My kids come first, they always have, that is why I'm still here. On the other hand, they were really happy to see him leave too this last time, he really was being a jerk to all of us.

His bark is worse than his bite, I never thought he would actually kill me, or I would have left, it just hurts hearing those things.

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Originally Posted by 3spoiledpups [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You can call me what you want I really don't care, I know I am a good person who has sacrificed years of my own happiness for my kids. Not to mention I really don't want to hurt my husband even though he has hurt me multiple times. I don't take hurting people to lightly. So if you don't have anything nice to say...don't bother posting. Were you not taught any manners? Did you ever here the one....."If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?"

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You wanted advice. Advice isn't necessarily all sunshine and flowers. Ever hear, "If you can't take the heat, get the hell out of the kitchen"?

You were given opinions, probably opinions you might know to have some basis in truth, but unless they were "Sure, leave your husband and your kids to go after a high school flame!", they were just not what you wanted to hear.

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Originally Posted by 3spoiledpups [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

you guys really can't make an educated opinion when you don't know the whole story and it would take me all night to list all the nasty stuff my husband has done to me. Cheated on me while I was pregnant with our first and second child, Belittles me, verbal abuse, said he was going to kill me, just to name a few things, but trust me the list goes on. He's not that bad anymore by any means, but some things you just can't forget. My kids come first, they always have, that is why I'm still here. On the other hand, they were really happy to see him leave too this last time, he really was being a jerk to all of us.

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First off - you didn't say this stuff. We can't make an "educated opinion" when we don't know the whole story when YOU don't tell the whole story. We're not mind-readers.

Second off - you obviously forgave him these trespasses by going back to him. Maybe he's actually trying to make amends now for his family's sake. If I were you, I'd have left the MINUTE any verbal abuse or threats had happened, but to dig them up now, AFTER you'd obviously sent him the message "You did these things, but I'm still staying with you", in order to justify leaving him over an old high school crush? Come on. That's weak. If you're hellbent on leaving anyway, at least man up enough to own the reason why - you want a shot with former high school crush-boy.

It's obvious you don't want to hear dissenting opinion apart from approval for what you're wanting/planning to do, so why'd you even come here and ask for advice? Vashti gave you some sound advice, but every post of yours thereafter has been how we "don't understand", how we don't "have the right picture" of the situation - you're obviously not willing to take "don't do it" for an answer.

So, sure. Divorce your husband, go after old high school guy. Have fun.

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Originally Posted by 3spoiledpups [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

you guys really can't make an educated opinion when you don't know the whole story and it would take me all night to list all the nasty stuff my husband has done to me. Cheated on me while I was pregnant with our first and second child, Belittles me, verbal abuse, said he was going to kill me, just to name a few things, but trust me the list goes on. He's not that bad anymore by any means, but some things you just can't forget. My kids come first, they always have, that is why I'm still here. On the other hand, they were really happy to see him leave too this last time, he really was being a jerk to all of us.

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The point is, despite all that bullshit, you CHOSE to stay with him. That, despite what many women seem to think, is not an act of selflessness and sacrifice........you do more damage to your kids by choosing to stay in an unhealthy marriage. Trust me. My mom waited until I was 18 to divorce my Dad for 'our sake'......I told her at the time she would have done us a bigger favor by divorcing him when we were children. Maybe we would have a better idea what a stable relationship looks like, and wouldn't have had a depressed, resentful mother for 18 years. You're providing a bad example.

You need to forget about this other guy. Let your 'friend' find happiness with someone with less issues. You sort yours out. Not just for your sake, but your kids.

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Originally Posted by bluesummer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Maybe we would have a better idea what a stable relationship looks like, and wouldn't have had a depressed, resentful mother for 18 years. You're providing a bad example.

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Yeah, if this is you, then don't do that. If you stay, make peace with your choice (and it IS a choice). Your kids don't need to see you feeling sorry for yourself and acting like you are a martyr. Don't make your dissatisfaction *their* problem.

i know someone who is almost in this same situation. it's sad.

I think everyone married > 13 years goes through this.

First of all, be open minded when asking for advice. You don't have to take it, but you don't have time to be slap-fighting with people about the way they've said something. It's a distraction. You have an emergency, and you've asked for help. Take it.

My advice: You need to make a decision about whether or not you should stay in your marriage. I suggest making the decision, and then don't act on it. Let it sit for a while, and see how it fits. You've been doing this for thirteen years. A few more months won't kill you.

It sounds like you're in a hurry to grab up this guy before some other woman does, and you're willing to get divorced to do it. That is so Desperate Housewives. I understand the desire, but I want you to hear this: no man is worth changing your standards for. If you're contemplating things that you would never normally do, you'll regret them.

I think you're pretty firmly in place as The Martyr in your marriage. Think long and hard about how it would feel to be the Bad Guy.

And what about the hard, cold reality of economics? Are you ready to support yourself? Do you think you could get a fat divorce settlement out of your husband if you decided to leave him? He sounds like the kind of guy who might dedicate the rest of his life to punishing you. Don't bank on your high school friend. If you do this, you have to be ready to face the possibility of doing it alone.

I got divorced last year after being with someone for 11 years and being The Martyr for the entire duration. I am now back with an old flame. I am sympathetic to your situation, and familiar with some of the potential pitfalls. Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss, but not if you want to argue. I got enough of that from my ex.

Chaining yourself to a marriage you're unhappy with "for the sake of the kids" is not the best of moves. I've seen some kids be really hurt by a divorce because the parents were so hateful and embittered to one another that the children were used as weapons by both sides, and I've seen mature divorces where the parents amicably, or at least not viciously, split, and didn't let their divorces affect their children.

No one can tell you what to do in terms of your flame or other passions in life, thats up to you, but you need to ask this to yourself: do you still want this marriage?

It seems like a natural progression in any marriage to still love one another, but not be in love. In fact, biochemically, thats the end result of all long lasting relationships, dopamine levels subsided, and passionate romance gives way for a calmer form of love. Not being in love like you can feel at the earlier parts of a relationship, or during infatuation, is not a sign a marriage is dying.

You have to ask yourself whats keeping you with him, besides the children, and whats making you want to leave, and then, carefully, make a decision. You only live your life once, so you can't live it all to meet other people's expectations, you have to meet your own.

you know this just makes me wonder like is it really possible to have everlasting love? I know you have to work at relationships but I mean what happens when only 1 person is doin all the work... you break up I really don't think that love can last forever unless both people are so madly in love with each other that afteer a hundered years its still like they had just started dating...
I know im a little off topic but its really weird because my mom she was marreid to my step-dad for like 15 years they loved each other but he really wasn't the nicest guy all the time and I mean i am being nice because he really wasn't that nice and he said some pretty mean things about my mom... anyways my mom stuck with him for I'd say about 2 years of bullshit where she just tried to make it work and he was too lazy and drunk to do anything with himself so it just fell apart. I know that love is a fragile thing and I also know that my "dad" was lucky to have a woman put up with so much shit especially when he was so fat and shit and my mom is a lot younger and beautiful. I guess what I'm getting at is that even tho my mom tried so hard to stay together for the kids that me, my brother and my sister knew things were ****ed up and my dad was always treaing us like shit... he loved us but I mean it was clear that if he could he'd get rid of us and be with my m om alone he would. I'm older now (22) and I am going through a break up with my girlfriend and I knew things were goin bad about 5 months ago and we tried to make it work well the truth is she did everything she could and I jst stayed the same If i think about it now I know that even though I'm glad I had a chance to try to make better I didn't take her seriously or take the relationship seriously enough so it just got crazy and now she doesn't love me anymore which makes me sad obviously i was with her for 3 years but at the same time I would rather us be truly happy then only one of us happy and If you are as unhappy as u say then the chances are your kids know it i mean unless they are under 12 but staying together for the kids is weak and I think that if you are unhappy only u can make yourself happy again and whatever way u do to make yourself happy you should especially if you wouldnt cheat just talk to the guy if you are serious! otherwise make it work with your husband but just remember that a husband is just a boyfriend with a ring! ;)

I agree that staying together for the sake of the kids is a bad idea when one or both people lack the ability or willingness to behave decently, which would include no martyr syndrome, no anger and/or hostility, no pity parties, etc.

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but when he told me he "liked" me, I was too afraid that if it didn't work out I would loose him as a friend, and I wasn't about to let that happen, he meant the world to me

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My girlfriend almost made this stupid mistake.

Thing is, she would've lost me anyway if she tried to be "just friends".

Girls are so dumb about that stuff.

I don't know...but I'm in love with a married woman...she's still 25..so I bet..we could be together......


in your case...it depends upon the spark between you and your highschool friend....you see, if you don't want to be with him anymore...then...plan a divorce...your husband will surely be happy about it...'coz he's just waiting for your decision.......

if the spark had already developed(i mean intimacy between you and your friend..)..then you could be with him...just do the divorce...