This feels a bit uncomfortable

So i found out the other day that my sons mom is getting married. It's a pretty rush wedding and they are doing it in Nov.

They dont have much money and have cut out most of the things which cost money. They were going to go as far as to hook up an iPod to a stereo for the music. I felt kinda bad about that and talked to my girlfriend since she used to be a professional DJ. As weird as it may seem, we are going to DJ the reception, free of charge.

The fact that she is getting married does not bother me one bit. We were much better as friends anyway. What makes me weird are some of the people who are going to be there. Running into family members and her old friends. Everythig si great now but we had a pretty rocky breakup and both played the blame game to family members. Her brother had a problem with me for a while because i couldnt pay child support for a while which was because my mom became really sick with cancer and I had to quit work to take care of her full time which I did for 8 months until she passed in April. Everything is fine now but i am a bit nervous about being there. Am I overreacting?

I wish I could tell you that no one would have hard feelings, but I don't know. I wouldn't smile too kindly on my sister's ex-husband if he stopped paying child support unless he, himself were genuinely debilitated. Responsibility for children trumps responsibility for mothers, and since I am a mom, I feel entitled to say it. You should have helped out mom in the evenings and on weekends, and got someone else to help out during the day so you could work.

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Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I wish I could tell you that no one would have hard feelings, but I don't know. I wouldn't smile too kindly on my sister's ex-husband if he stopped paying child support unless he, himself were genuinely debilitated. Responsibility for children trumps responsibility for mothers, and since I am a mom, I feel entitled to say it. You should have helped out mom in the evenings and on weekends, and got someone else to help out during the day so you could work.

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There was no possible way to get anybody else to help. i was still there for my son and saw him every day. i just could not pay any money. it also got so bad financially I couldnt even drive for a while cause I could no longer afford my insurance or gas.

Now had I not taken the responsibility for my mother, my family would have lost everything. My dad had to work to cover the bills or else they would lose everything they worked so hard for over the years. They would basically be out in the street. You see there is no help out there for people like my parents and I had to take charge.

Now while I did not have money, I was still a great father and had my son with me every evening.

Oh, now I'm gonna have to sound like a bitch, but I am kind of militant about kids. It didn't even occur to me that your dad might still be around, but since he is, your mom was HIS responsibility, and your child is YOUR responsibility, including financially. Great fathers contribute to the support their kids.

Sorry.

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Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh, now I'm gonna have to sound like a bitch, but I am kind of militant about kids. It didn't even occur to me that your dad might still be around, but since he is, your mom was HIS responsibility, and your child is YOUR responsibility, including financially. Great fathers contribute to the support their kids.

Sorry.

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Ok. So have my parents including my mother out in the street while she has stage 4 breast cancer. Sounds kind of heartless if you ask me.

I also post on many message boards and everybody knows my story there. You are the first person i have ever seen with anything negative to say.

Also the one thing my girlfriend loves the most about me is how nobile I was during such a hard time and gave up my entire life to be there.

I'm sorry but I was still adad to my kid, he always had a roof around his head and he never starved. It was also not his mother how had a problem with it and we dont even go through the screwed up court system. It was her brother who had the problem.

You also do realize that my son was with me half the time anyway. Right?

Most people will tell you what you want to hear, but since I don't know you, I am telling you what I *really* think, which is probably similar to what your former brother-in-law is thinking.

You said your parents could have lost everything they worked for, which implies they had assets. Any accountant would have told them how they could access their money.

Another option is that you could have worked an opposite shift of your father, since I am quite sure your mother didn't need the both of you caring for her. Your son could have still been around when you were with your mom.


Meh, doesn't matter... Water under the bridge. Anyway, this is probably the way her family is thinking, too. I'm sure they also have more "dirt" on you. :D

Maybe they will simply be happy for your ex-wifes newfound happiness, and forget all about you.

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Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Most people will tell you what you want to hear, but since I don't know you, I am telling you what I *really* think, which is probably similar to what your former brother-in-law is thinking.

You said your parents could have lost everything they worked for, which implies they had assets. Any accountant would have told them how they could access their money.

Another option is that you could have worked an opposite shift of your father, since I am quite sure your mother didn't need the both of you caring for her. Your son could have still been around when you were with your mom.


Meh, doesn't matter... Water under the bridge. Anyway, this is probably the way her family is thinking, too. I'm sure they also have more "dirt" on you. :D

Maybe they will simply be happy for your ex-wifes newfound happiness, and forget all about you.

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Yea. They had some assets. The house they have lived in since 1974 and the cabin up north they planned on moving to when my dad retired had my mom made it. They were really behind in bills and hardly making it. Taking care of my mom was a really hard job and it was rather hard chasing around 2 year old while taking care of somebody with stage 4 cancer.

On top of that, he was here half the time. I had him in the evening and all night most of the time. Hell. He was here more than there half the time. He had diapers, food, clothes, etc. He had everything he could ever need. Now why is it that even though he was living with me half the time mean i should have through a check to support the other half? Now is that not supposed to be 50/50?

I know. All a guy is good for is a check. Right? and screw anything else he does. Even if he is putting in his 50%, he shouls still cover everything else while the moms money goes in her pocket.

I just told my girlfriend about this and she disagrees with you as well and she is a single mother of two.

Well, obviously she won't tell you she agrees with me. You might get mad.

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Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, obviously she won't tell you she agrees with me. You might get mad.

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Sorry but my girlfriend is brutally honest.

WTF is this shit anyway? Now why should I have had to pay for everything at her house as well even though he was here and supported over 50% of the time? Was i supposed to pay her and her fiancée's bills as well?

You see? You ARE mad.

Do you realize in your first post, you didn't mention *any* visitation at all, then you progressed to having evenings, then you progressed to visits half the time, and then you progressed to MORE than half the time? Lemme guess where this is going... :D

that's kind of a weird situation. But I think if your ex's friends/relatives care about her at all, even if they hate you, they will shut up and let it be a nice day for her.

vash! jesus, what got into you? does it really matter? It's not like the kid *needed* the child support money, he was fine. He may have been able to handle it better or maybe his parents could've sold some assets instead- but it hardly seems like a major mistake was made.

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Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You see? You ARE mad.

Do you realize in your first post, you didn't mention *any* visitation at all, then you progressed to having evenings, then you progressed to visits half the time, and then you progressed to MORE than half the time? Lemme guess where this is going... :D

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I didnt think i had to mention anything in the forst post because i didnt expect somebody so start stereotyping me. I mentioned evenings because it was opposite of her shift and with the amount of time he stayed the night, he was here half the time if not more.

This is one thing i do hate about message boards. no matter what you post, people want to shoot it down.

I said we do not go through the court. i am sorry but I am not a weekend dad.

I have busted my ass taking care of my mom till she died and raising my son at the same exact time and I am mad because i have some internet troll trying to discredit me.

I mean think about this. I took care of my mom until she died so my already struggling family did not lose their assets. I was also a dad to my son and he was always supported here. Now on top of all that, we are DJ'ing their wedding for free. A DJ service like this would cost about 1000.00 and we are doing it free of charge.

Am I really the bad guy you are trying to make me out to be?

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Originally Posted by Tiay [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

vash! jesus, what got into you? does it really matter? It's not like the kid *needed* the child support money, he was fine. He may have been able to handle it better or maybe his parents could've sold some assets instead- but it hardly seems like a major mistake was made.

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Hmm.. well I guess I thought he was wanting to know if his lack of paying child support might make things awkward for him at the wedding. I am simply telling him that yes, they might. People get very worked up about child support, and rightly so.

BTW - none of us really know whether or not the kid needed the money, but I'd sure like to hear the mom's or brother-in-law's version of this story, as I strongly suspect there is more to it. Extended families don't usually get upset over small things.

Anyway, I guess I am done with this thread, Ray. You will no doubt find people who are sympathetic, so consider me the devil's advocate. Sorry about your mom.

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Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hmm.. well I guess I thought he was wanting to know if his lack of paying child support might make things awkward for him at the wedding. I am simply telling him that yes, they might.

BTW - none of us really know whether or not the kid needed the money, but I'd sure like to hear the mom's or brother-in-law's version of this story.

Anyway, I guess I am done with this thread. You will no doubt find people who are sympathetic.

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And while her brother is at it, he can also tell you how he still owes my ex and I $10,000 not to mention withdrew all the money from his fathers company account and let their family business fail.

The child support thing was the brothers bitch because she said she was not making me pay anything cause I have him so much not to mention my mom needed to be taken care of.

I mean if things are really as bad as you seem to think and I really am like the stereotype says, why has she never taken me to court? My ex was perfectly fine with what was going on. It was her asshole brother who was not.

As for the rest of the family, the reason i feel weird is because i am the ex and I am at her wedding. It's a bit awkward.

i have learned something today though. It is because of people like you that so many people are stuffed away in nursing homes.

My dedication also added about another 6 months to my mothers life so she could be a grandma. before i stepped in, they were talking about hospice.

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Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Anyway, I guess I am done with this thread, Ray. You will no doubt find people who are sympathetic, so consider me the devil's advocate. Sorry about your mom.

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:shocked: *touches shh! and gets frostbite*

anyway, you're right, we can't really know what went on from just one person's perspective. But I certainly can't see looking after a dying mom as a big sin, even if there would've been better ways to handle it.

the fact that you're DJing for free even though you don't seem to really want to be there (and I wouldn't blame you) suggests to me that you're either a completely selfless giver, or that you feel guilty.

but.. whatever her brother may think of you now and whether or not that is justified or not.. I hope he isn't stupid enough to mess up her wedding by causing drama. Try to ignore it if he's giving you the evil eye.

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Originally Posted by Tiay [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

:shocked: *touches shh! and gets frostbite*

anyway, you're right, we can't really know what went on from just one person's perspective. But I certainly can't see looking after a dying mom as a big sin, even if there would've been better ways to handle it.

the fact that you're DJing for free even though you don't seem to really want to be there (and I wouldn't blame you) suggests to me that you're either a completely selfless giver, or that you feel guilty.

but.. whatever her brother may think of you now and whether or not that is justified or not.. I hope he isn't stupid enough to mess up her wedding by causing drama. Try to ignore it if he's giving you the evil eye.

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Thats the thing though. There were no better ways to handle it. My parents owe more on their house then it is even worth and if they refinanced the cabin, the overall bills would become more than my father even makes a month. The doctors were even talking Hospice but i wouldnt have it and made the stand because I still saw hope. Now i didnt save her life but i did manage to give her probably an extra 6 months. Her family doctor even told me this when hospice finally did come in becasue her mind and body could no longer handle the chemo. Thats 6 months of extra life I gave her to be a grandmother and for my son to know her. I cannot see that as being a sin at all. it's also frustrating that shh seems to think i am guilty until proven innocent. Is she just some twisted man hater or something?

Also yes. I have been known as a selfless giver. I guess I get that from my mom because she was the same exact way. My ex called around and for what we are going to do, would cost about 1000.00 from another company and we are even including Karaoke. She also offered us some money but we refused to accept.

well you sure make a convincing case. heck it sounds like you took care of both your mom and your son. I'm waiting for shh to call me gullible. Then I'll call her a cynic back.

But hey we're just some random people from the internet to you, what does it even matter what we think? Sometimes I think this forum is too nitpickey- really, does ANYONE here get a straight answer to their actual question, or do they just get their post picked apart and jokes made, and then criticised when they don't take the advice?

well in that case, don't be too giving- People will end up using you, such as DJing for weddings for free when you don't even really want to be there. any chance that you'll end up having a good time there anyway?

this is a weired situation i agree with ray about the whole cancer because my dad suffered for a year with it. it takes upo alot of time and i was a round for him i completley agree with ray when he says if the child was being cared for food diapers cloths and a bed to sleep in why should he have to pay the woman who broke up with him when she probably ahs a job and can afford much mroe than him but he is giving ehr extra money for i dno what she wants. it is unfair and wrong especially int his situation.

ive never been married and in my stage in life3 dont want to be anytime soon it = alot of commitment and in defense of teh other case when u sighned your signature on the marriage certificate you kinda sighned up for if the breakup occured you were to pay for teh child weather the mother can afford or not.

i wish all teh ebst with you and your girlfreinds and sons futures hope they will be happy and be spared from another 1 of these conversations as for the dj thing i personally wouldent its bad ties i know this from staying freinds with girlfreinds there is no point being a freind after a serious breakup it aint the same and never will be so jsut elave it as it is

Dude...breathe.

Go to the wedding. DJ the wedding. Eat the food. Smile at people. Wear a fake moustache if it makes you feel better but GO. You already made a commitment to go. Kill em with kindness. If the brother says anything to you, smile nicely at him and calmly let him know that you and his sister worked that issue out long ago and its all resolved but that you understand his concern that you would feel the same way in his shoes. People eat up empathy like candy.

However, if you really want to make it all better call your ex up before the wedding and offer to add, say, $20 a month to the child support you currently pay until all the unpaid back child support is paid off. It takes a long time, but $20 a month isn't going to put you in the poorhouse and it demonstrates a genuine concern to make things better. If the ex wants to accept the DJing as back payment that would work as well. Either way you are going to be the LAST thing on her family's mind that day so I don't really thing you have anything to worry about.

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Originally Posted by ExpoNovak [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

However, if you really want to make it all better call your ex up before the wedding and offer to add, say, $20 a month to the child support you currently pay until all the unpaid back child support is paid off. It takes a long time, but $20 a month isn't going to put you in the poorhouse and it demonstrates a genuine concern to make things better. If the ex wants to accept the DJing as back payment that would work as well. Either way you are going to be the LAST thing on her family's mind that day so I don't really thing you have anything to worry about.

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I agree with this part, but IMO, you should NOT go to the wedding. Get somebody else to DJ for you. Jeeze- I wouldn't want my ex at my wedding, I think it's weird that you're invited at all. I understand that you're friends, but her family doesn't like you. it would be better for everyone if you weren't there.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I agree with this part, but IMO, you should NOT go to the wedding. Get somebody else to DJ for you. Jeeze- I wouldn't want my ex at my wedding, I think it's weird that you're invited at all. I understand that you're friends, but her family doesn't like you. it would be better for everyone if you weren't there.

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I have never been one to back down on anything and its not that all her family doesnt like me. I am just concerned about a couple people.

It's also not weird that I was invited. We are really close friends and do share a son together who is going to be there as well. We keep in touch every day.