What the HECK am I going to do?

I'll make a long story as short as I can. My first serious relationship came right after my 18th birthday (in 1989). I'm 36 next month. I guess I REALLY waited for the right girl - because this was my dreamgirl. She was perfect for me. She had a very rough home-life with an alcoholic father, so we moved in together after the first few months of dating.

We lived together for about 6 years and probably had 5 or 6 big fights during that whole time. She was a little bit controlling, but I didn't mind because I loved her. Otherwise, she was really perfect.

One thing led to another and we split-up. It wasn't so much a normal split-up, however. After almost 7 years, I was looking for a little freedom - a big mistake - and for reasons beyond my control - had to move out from living with her. She moved home, and I moved to my best friend's home (which was basically my home as well). After about 9 months of the two of us not seeing very much of each other, she met a guy.

Of course, you don't know what you've got until it's gone - and this hurt me pretty badly. A series of events that should have had us get back together went awry (for example, her being in the hospital and my friend never telling me about her call asking me to come visit). Over the years, we spoke a tiny bit - considering getting back together - but nothing is ever that simple...

Here's where things get a little interesting...

About 5 years ago, she got married.. About 2 years ago, so did I. I recently called her. What can I do? I love her. She's my soulmate. ANYWAY. She regrets marrying the man she did. She's told me lots of interesting things.. For example, that she was hoping I'd walk-in on the wedding and stop it. She said she went to a physic, showed her my picture and the psychic immediately told her that I was her soulmate. We pretty much understand that we're soulmates - she always thought so and so did I...

But we're both married with people that aren't right for us. I love my wife. I care about her a lot. But over the years I've learned that our relationship isn't right. She's not for me and I'm not for her. My ex understands the same thing with her relationship.

We're both married to people that we shouldn't be married to. Neither one of us ever thought we'd want to get back together again. I married my wife because I wasn't going to stay single forever. Our relationship was nice - however not perfect - but I wanted to take care of her. She came from a poor family and I wanted to give her everything she didn't have.

Now I have - and I have to wonder if she's staying with me mainly for money. I believe that she honestly believes she loves me - but I'm not right for her.

My ex can't manage to get away from her husband, and I don't know how I'm going to get away from my wife - especially without her sucking me dry in a divorce - she's Very money hungry. My fault...

So what the heck do I do? Are we both going to live the rest of our lives married to the wrong person? I don't want to hurt my wife. We've had bad arguments before where I've mentioned leaving her and she threatens me with suicide. She actually takes a knife and puts it to her wrist.

Again, I love my wife but I "care" about her more than "love" her. I've considered the possibility of simply living with this mistake for the rest of my life - just for her. But at the same time, my soulmate needs me badly, and I can't help her..

I don't know what this all sounds like to you - and I'm not a bad guy. I'm a very good and honest person. I don't think I've ever hurt anyone in my life - at least not intentionally.. I just don't know what to do here.

Well.. That's all from me for now... Thanks for reading about my mess...

Sal

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Originally Posted by Sal [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She said she went to a physic, showed her my picture and the physic immediately told her that I was her soulmate.

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You are kidding, right?

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Originally Posted by Sal [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Now I have - and I have to wonder if she's staying with me mainly for money. .. I don't know how I'm going to get away from my wife - especially without her sucking me dry in a divorce - she's Very money hungry.

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Oh, the irony. If YOU aren't money hungry, and you believe all she wants is the money, then give it to her. Consider it the price you pay for your freedom. But I bet you are a little money-hungry, too.

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Originally Posted by Sal [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Again, I love my wife but I "care" about her more than "love" her. Our relationship was nice - however not perfect...

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No relationship is perfect. Not this one, nor the one you imagine you would have with your "soulmate".

Do you have kids?

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Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You are kidding, right?

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Don't be so contemptuous, high and mighty one. I was never a big believer is psychics but I'm having an easier time being less sceptical being that detectives use them all the time. My wife's family is full of police officers - so I hear plenty of situations where one simply cannot deny the possibility that psychics are real. Sure, the "psychic friends network" is probably a bunch of nonsense - but I'm not going to be sceptical simply because of that.

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Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh, the irony. If YOU aren't money hungry, and you believe all she wants is the money, then give it to her. Consider it the price you pay for your freedom. But I bet you are a little money-hungry, too.

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Absolutely. I've become financially independant (I retired at age 32) by being money hungry. I didn't say there was anything wrong with it. It costs $400.00 a month to go food shopping for two people when you buy ALL healthy food. There are more reasons to be money hungry than greed and vanity.

Beyond that, the money isn't my primary worry. I could always build up and make more. Still, nobody likes to see their hard earned money benefitting someone else (and having no benefit to themselves).

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Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

No relationship is perfect. Not this one, nor the one you imagine you would have with your "soulmate".

Do you have kids?

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The relationship with my "soulmate" was as close to perfect as possible. As I mentioned, she was a bit controlling - but it wasn't much of an issue to me. She's as perfect as I need... I don't have any children and I don't plan on it...

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Originally Posted by Sal [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So what the heck do I do? Are we both going to live the rest of our lives married to the wrong person?

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I wasn't meaning to be contemptuous, but I have to wonder: if you have such faith in psychics, why aren't you asking one of them what you should do?

that's a silly detail! if you left out the psychics part of the story, nothing would really change; they both still feel like they belong with each other and are not married to the right people.

And that's a stupid situation. I can't see you two getting out of this without seriously hurting your respective spouses. Are you SURE that it's worth that? are you SURE you're not just remembering your relationship fondly, because things are always nicer in hindsight.

Does she have kids with her husband?

Well, it doesn't matter if she's money hungry right? I mean there IS a legal issue where the money gets split 50-50.

You've already made up your mind, you are just trying to decide the least painful way to go about it. Anyone who has ever walked out of a marriage or long relationship can tell you: No one escapes unscathed. Guilt is a voracious little bastard when you set him loose and no one (not even a psychic) can foresee just what sort of damage he can do.

I'm not one to believe that a person should knowingly subject himself to misery. If you have to walk out, walk out....but leave her everything. That is the price you pay. I know because I've paid it. If you love the other woman, truly love her, then she's worth sacrificing everything since your current wife technically has done nothing wrong and does not deserve the heaping pile of anguish she's about to get fed.

Do what you have to do, but think this out carefully. Once you make your move you cannot turn back.

Is it worth hurting my wife? I don't think so.. I'm positive that I'm not just remembering the relationship fondly. When we split up, it really wasn't meant to stay that way. A lot of wierd things happened that prevented us from getting back together.. We never really wanted to be apart.. It just turned out that way.

My wife would be so much happier with someone more like her. I'm 36 next month and my wife is 28. We started dating when she was 20. We're from two different generations and we have a LOT of differences in likes and dislikes. We're not into the same things. Many times over the past few months, she goes her way and I go mine. Not that we're fighting for that to happen, she just has her own friends (young and way too immature for me) and favorite things/places to go that I'm not into.

I don't know.. I really don't want to hurt her - and like I mentioned, I'm prepared to live the rest of my life unhappy to avoid hurting her - but in reality, its hurting her by me staying with her. There's somebody truely right for her out there - and she's never going to find him while she's with me........ Or maybe she will.. Who knows?

My ex has no children with her husband...

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Originally Posted by Tiay [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

that's a silly detail! if you left out the psychics part of the story, nothing would really change; they both still feel like they belong with each other and are not married to the right people.

And that's a stupid situation. I can't see you two getting out of this without seriously hurting your respective spouses. Are you SURE that it's worth that? are you SURE you're not just remembering your relationship fondly, because things are always nicer in hindsight.

Does she have kids with her husband?

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Right, but it gets messy being that I have a business.. Giving 50% of my business to someone who's never been involved, knows nothing about it and has absolutely NO desire to learn - is a little hard to swallow...

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Originally Posted by Jimmy1218 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, it doesn't matter if she's money hungry right? I mean there IS a legal issue where the money gets split 50-50.

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I really haven't made up my mind. I mostly tell myself that this will never happen and I will always remain in this marriage.. It's not misery by any means - it's just not "right". I can't make my wife as happy as she needs to be made. I'm just not the right guy for her. In the beginning, things were very different. However, she's changed a lot (as have I) and I'm just not the best person to make her happy...

I've taken years to build my business.. I've sacrificed tons. Give it ALL away is out of the question. I have no issue with supporting her with a few thousand dollars a month (in the event of a divorce) - which should be entirely adequate considering the fact that she's healthy, intellegent and has absolutely no reason to be unemployed.. Still, I wouldn't mind supporter her financially even if she has an income...

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Originally Posted by ExpoNovak [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You've already made up your mind, you are just trying to decide the least painful way to go about it. Anyone who has ever walked out of a marriage or long relationship can tell you: No one escapes unscathed. Guilt is a voracious little bastard when you set him loose and no one (not even a psychic) can foresee just what sort of damage he can do.

I'm not one to believe that a person should knowingly subject himself to misery. If you have to walk out, walk out....but leave her everything. That is the price you pay. I know because I've paid it. If you love the other woman, truly love her, then she's worth sacrificing everything since your current wife technically has done nothing wrong and does not deserve the heaping pile of anguish she's about to get fed.

Do what you have to do, but think this out carefully. Once you make your move you cannot turn back.

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If you want to leave, do it now before you waste anymore of her time and youth. There is absolutely no avoiding the fact that she is going to be hurt and upset. Let the lawyers work out how much she is legally entitled to.

I know your advice is very good but to complicate the matter even more, I worry about the possibility of her finding the wrong person and getting stuck in a relationship that's totally bad. She's very attractive and attracts a lot of bad candidates..

Sometimes I just wish she'd find somebody while we were still married so I could go away with confidence that she'd be okay... There's a lot of 'crap' out there..

I know. Like I said. It's complicated and I'll probably just end-up staying where I am...

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If you want to leave, do it now before you waste anymore of her time and youth. There is absolutely no avoiding the fact that she is going to be hurt and upset. Let the lawyers work out how much she is legally entitled to.

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It's not complicated unless you have kids. You are MAKING it complicated. She will worry about her life; you should worry about yours (if you leave, that is).

As for her possibly being stuck in a relationship with the wrong person, it seems that is already the case.

I may be wrong but I love her and care about her. What I'm worried about is her finding someone who'll only use her and not care about her. I suppose that's none of my business, though..

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It's not complicated unless you have kids. You are MAKING it complicated. She will worry about her life; you should worry about yours (if you leave, that is).

As for her possibly being stuck in a relationship with the wrong person, it seems that is already the case.

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only reinforce my belief that no one should marry. I don't believe that one person can have only one partner all their life. It's kind of ridiculous and not realistic, IMO.

Well, you got two choices: either leave your wife, give her what she's entitled to and move on with your 'love'.

or

Stay with the wrong person for the rest of your life.

If you leave your wife, will this woman leave her husband?

Do you have kids?

She threatened you to kill herself... That's plain manipulation.

You can't wiggle yourself out of your own guilt by saying "I'm not right for her, therefore by leaving her i'd be freeing her up to find the right person"

that may be an aspect, but she WILL be really hurt, too. It's obvious that you really care about her, though. Still, since there are no kids in the situation, I'd like to think it's possible for you to be with your first girlfriend. .. Does she feel the same way? what are her feelings towards her husband? this could get SO complicated.

Sal, you sound like a bit of a control freak as well. (Takes one to know one- I'm a control freak too.)

Okay, I'm a person who married the wrong guy, divorced him, and went back to the love of my life, so I have some experience with this situation. Here's my take:

Most importantly, do NOT have an affair with your ex. She may be your soulmate, but you have to keep your hands off of one another while you're in committed relationships with other people. What you have together is lovely, but more delicate than you think, and it would be tarnished beyond redemption if you had a tawdry affair. Respect your love and yourselves.

Now, with your current marriage, I can see why you feel responsible for your wife. You're so much older than she is, and you've taken care of her for so long that it seems cruel to toss her out into the world. What's actually cruel is wasting any more of her precious time on this Earth in a marriage to someone who doesn't love her more than anyone else in the world. Do you hear me? You are wasting her time. You can protect her from the world, but at what cost? Please understand that it's costing her as well. She's got a soulmate out there too, since you believe in such things, and you're standing right in his way.

Regarding the money, have you ever heard the joke "Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it."? A good lawyer is also worth it. If you're living in a community property state, she's entitled to half of what you've accumulated while you've been together. I don't think there's any getting out of that, unless you can catch her cheating on you, which I hope you don't because I imagine that would be devastating.

Your ex is going to have to get out of her own marriage. You can't do this for her.

I must reiterate how important it is that you both free yourselves from other commitments before even considering getting back together. It's important to do it cleanly. I think Pizza Guy's right about guilt- it will **** you up.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If you're living in a community property state, she's entitled to half of what you've accumulated while you've been together. I don't think there's any getting out of that, unless you can catch her cheating on you, which I hope you don't because I imagine that would be devastating.

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I don't know how it is elsewhere, but here in California, you could be having sex with the entire Lakers Basketball team in front of your husband and a live studio audience, and you'd STILL get your 50%. That is what community property means here - no one cares whose "fault" it is.

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Originally Posted by Sal [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Right, but it gets messy being that I have a business.. Giving 50% of my business to someone who's never been involved, knows nothing about it and has absolutely NO desire to learn - is a little hard to swallow...

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I dont think you have to give 50% of your business...only the money needs to be split. But you make sure you know what you're doing k? Cause this is like a major turning point of your life; you do this, you can never regret and turn back. :mask: Its a gamble......but successful people take risks. I'd say go for it. ;)

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sal, you sound like a bit of a control freak as well. (Takes one to know one- I'm a control freak too.)

Okay, I'm a person who married the wrong guy, divorced him, and went back to the love of my life, so I have some experience with this situation. Here's my take:

Most importantly, do NOT have an affair with your ex. She may be your soulmate, but you have to keep your hands off of one another while you're in committed relationships with other people. What you have together is lovely, but more delicate than you think, and it would be tarnished beyond redemption if you had a tawdry affair. Respect your love and yourselves.

Now, with your current marriage, I can see why you feel responsible for your wife. You're so much older than she is, and you've taken care of her for so long that it seems cruel to toss her out into the world. What's actually cruel is wasting any more of her precious time on this Earth in a marriage to someone who doesn't love her more than anyone else in the world. Do you hear me? You are wasting her time. You can protect her from the world, but at what cost? Please understand that it's costing her as well. She's got a soulmate out there too, since you believe in such things, and you're standing right in his way.

Regarding the money, have you ever heard the joke "Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it."? A good lawyer is also worth it. If you're living in a community property state, she's entitled to half of what you've accumulated while you've been together. I don't think there's any getting out of that, unless you can catch her cheating on you, which I hope you don't because I imagine that would be devastating.

Your ex is going to have to get out of her own marriage. You can't do this for her.

I must reiterate how important it is that you both free yourselves from other commitments before even considering getting back together. It's important to do it cleanly. I think Pizza Guy's right about guilt- it will **** you up.

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LOL, you go girl. ;)