Long-term relationship VS the recent sparks of infatuation

Printable View

20-08-07, 11:16 AM
someone562

Long-term relationship VS the recent sparks of infatuation

Hello everyone,

First of all thank you for reading... I'm writing because I could use some advice... I've been in a relationship for about 2 years and I am having doubts about my own feelings... I'll try to be as concise and clear as possible...

I met my actual bf at work... At that time I was just getting out from a very difficult relationship and didn't want to have a bf at all... But we kept being friends, he was very patient with me and after several months we started our relationship.

It has been a great relationship, we have been very happy. He is the ideal man for me in many ways, I love his feelings and admire him a lot. We always have a great time together and I love spending time with him. He trusts me completely and I do trust him back. As with any relationship, we've had our ups and downs, but we have been able to sort things out... We have already talked about getting married and each of us has started saving money and all of that.

However there are two things I am confused about: I've never had sex and I haven't had sex with him... I feel bad because I think I haven't been able to open up to him at that level, he has been very patient with me but I don't know what's wrong with me... Truth is, I'm scared and hence I just don't feel like doing it.

The other thing I'm confused about is my feelings... My work involves a lot of traveling and I have a friend I feel attracted to... Something like that has never happened to me while being with my actual bf. It all started when my friend helped me during seriously rough times while I was away and a more close friendship developed. Some months later my friend confessed he was in love with me. I told him I was not available. However, feelings started to develop and sometimes I find myself thinking about and missing my friend, and that makes me feel so bad and so ashamed :( I have never cheated on my bf and do not intend to do so... I think the thing with my friend is infatuation and I do wanna fight for what I have with my bf. But I wish I could know why am I feeling like this.

I do love my bf, but perhaps our relationship has cooled down to a friendship... I want to make things work but I am afraid to tell him what's happening to me, because he would be very hurt and even if I asked him for some time to clear my mind, I think I would lose him forever...

I would like to know, has something like this ever happened to you? If so, what did you do?
Any advice will be greatly appreciated
20-08-07, 11:41 AM
vashti

I think having crushes on other people when you are in a longer-term relationship is pretty normal. A brand new pair of shoes is always more exciting than the old ones you have in your closet, even if the old ones are in perfect condition. the fact that your friend expressed interest in you is naturally going to pique your interest even further.

I don't suggest you tell your boyfriend about this crush if you want to keep him, and I think it is okay to have a crush so long as you don't act on it. If you are worried about your resolve to not act on it, then stay away from the "friend".
20-08-07, 01:20 PM
Sami09

If you love your bf try and stay in group setting with your friend. cheating is the worst possibly thing you can do to your bf that you love very much.
21-08-07, 12:19 AM
Gigabitch

I think you should try to spend some time away from the new guy and see if your feelings remain or if they fade. He might just be a distraction from whatever anxiety you have about your current boyfriend. I do think that you're trying to tell yourself something. Maybe you don't really want to commit to your bf and you're looking for a way out.

What is it about sex that scares you? Is it just the physical act? Is it what it means to the both of you? Does it seem too intimate, or too permanent?
21-08-07, 01:04 PM
someone562

Response to vashti

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think having crushes on other people when you are in a longer-term relationship is pretty normal. A brand new pair of shoes is always more exciting than the old ones you have in your closet, even if the old ones are in perfect condition. the fact that your friend expressed interest in you is naturally going to pique your interest even further.

I don't suggest you tell your boyfriend about this crush if you want to keep him, and I think it is okay to have a crush so long as you don't act on it. If you are worried about your resolve to not act on it, then stay away from the "friend".

Thank you Vashti, and yes my resolve on not acting on the attraction for the new guy is absolute. However, I'll try to analize if there's something wrong in me or my relationship and then try to fix it, because this really sucks :(
21-08-07, 01:07 PM
someone562

Response to Sami09

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sami09 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If you love your bf try and stay in group setting with your friend. cheating is the worst possibly thing you can do to your bf that you love very much.

Sami09 thanks for your input, yes I do agree with you. I won't cheat on my bf, we promised each other we would always be honest to each other so before being involved with someone else, I would end my current relationship. However, my intention is to fight and fix things with my current bf and to find the root of my insecurities.
21-08-07, 01:20 PM
someone562

Response to GigaBitch

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think you should try to spend some time away from the new guy and see if your feelings remain or if they fade. He might just be a distraction from whatever anxiety you have about your current boyfriend. I do think that you're trying to tell yourself something. Maybe you don't really want to commit to your bf and you're looking for a way out.

What is it about sex that scares you? Is it just the physical act? Is it what it means to the both of you? Does it seem too intimate, or too permanent?

Thanks for you answer Gigabitch, I really appreciate it. I've found that when I'm away from m friend the feelings tend to fade, but when I'm close I feel them intensely. I agree with you, I think this is happening because there are things I have to fix in my current relationship. I think that one problem is that the chemistry has diminished over the time, sometimes we seem more like associates and that scares me... Being away so much is also another thing that isn't helping :(

About sex, I think is the physical act is what scares the hell out of me :( I'm afraid It'll hurt. To tell you the truth, I had an experience once with an ex, where we tried to have sex but never could because it hurt like hell and I just couldn't :( You know that has scared me for quite a while... I also feel scared because you know in the movies and everywhere they say it's impossible to have a relationship for so long without sex so I feel like an alien and I feel bad towards my bf and I don't know what to do :( Sometimes I think it'd be understandable if I was 18 o something but I'm in my mid-twenties and I'm scared and I feel so stupid :( Any advice?
21-08-07, 03:38 PM
Ath

While we can gleam little bits of wisdom from modern Hollywood, that's probably where it stops. If this guy has been with you for two years without sex, then it's probably safe to say he's in it for more. As for the lack of sex... if it's the pain thing... KY should help... but does you're current bf know this stuff? I'm sure he's more than more willing to help you work through that kind of thing.

I really should leave advice to professionals :P

-Ath
21-08-07, 04:11 PM
Only-virgins

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think having crushes on other people when you are in a longer-term relationship is pretty normal. A brand new pair of shoes is always more exciting than the old ones you have in your closet, even if the old ones are in perfect condition. the fact that your friend expressed interest in you is naturally going to pique your interest even further.

I don't suggest you tell your boyfriend about this crush if you want to keep him, and I think it is okay to have a crush so long as you don't act on it. If you are worried about your resolve to not act on it, then stay away from the "friend".

I like replacing my shoes often.
22-08-07, 05:13 AM
Gigabitch

Well, the sex advice I have for you is to try to be as comfortable as possible with your own body. I imagine you have a great deal of body-anxiety that causes you to have pain during attempted intercourse, whether psychosomatic pain, pain caused by complete lack of natural lubrication, or whatever.

Unless there's actually a physical, medical explanation for this, which I would think you'd know about by now, it's all in your head. I'm not being dismissive by saying that- your head can really mess things up for your body.

I think the first step is to gauge how much of the problem is your own relationship to your body.
22-08-07, 05:24 AM
Junket

Quote:

Originally Posted by someone562 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think that one problem is that the chemistry has diminished over the time, sometimes we seem more like associates and that scares me.

What makes a romantic relationship with a guy different from a non-romantic relationship with a guy?

The biggest thing would be physical intimacy.

While emotional intimacy is extremely important, lets be real, you can be emotionally intimate with somebody without having any interest in physical intimacy.

But that doesn't even have to mean intercourse. My girlfriend hasn't even touched my dick yet, however we still manage to be extremely intimate.

Do you guys do anything beyond kissing and hugging?

Details my friend.
22-08-07, 06:31 AM
vashti

Regarding the physical pain during sex: did you actually attempt intercourse, and were unable to insert? Did your hymen break? (There would have been bleeding.) Some women have thicker-than-average hymens which need to be broken by a physician to allow for normal intercourse.
22-08-07, 12:37 PM
someone562

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ath [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

While we can gleam little bits of wisdom from modern Hollywood, that's probably where it stops. If this guy has been with you for two years without sex, then it's probably safe to say he's in it for more. As for the lack of sex... if it's the pain thing... KY should help... but does you're current bf know this stuff? I'm sure he's more than more willing to help you work through that kind of thing.

I really should leave advice to professionals :P

-Ath

Ath, thanks for you response. Yes, my boyfriend does know about this stuff but he kind of tells me "don't worry girl let's do it", I mean he thinks it's very easy for me and -really- it's not :(
22-08-07, 12:42 PM
someone562

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, the sex advice I have for you is to try to be as comfortable as possible with your own body. I imagine you have a great deal of body-anxiety that causes you to have pain during attempted intercourse, whether psychosomatic pain, pain caused by complete lack of natural lubrication, or whatever.

Unless there's actually a physical, medical explanation for this, which I would think you'd know about by now, it's all in your head. I'm not being dismissive by saying that- your head can really mess things up for your body.

I think the first step is to gauge how much of the problem is your own relationship to your body.

Thanks for your response GigaBitch... Well, I am in fact confortable with my own body, but yes I do get very nervous. I think I shoud go see a specialist to discard the possibility of this being physical... And I agree with you, our head is sooo powerful, if I can't find peace of mind, I now I won't be able to open up my heart, spirit and body to anyone. That's why I'm trying to find the cause...
22-08-07, 12:44 PM
someone562

Quote:

Originally Posted by Frasbee [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What makes a romantic relationship with a guy different from a non-romantic relationship with a guy?

The biggest thing would be physical intimacy.

While emotional intimacy is extremely important, lets be real, you can be emotionally intimate with somebody without having any interest in physical intimacy.

But that doesn't even have to mean intercourse. My girlfriend hasn't even touched my dick yet, however we still manage to be extremely intimate.

Do you guys do anything beyond kissing and hugging?

Details my friend.

Thanks for your responde Frasbee... Well I really would like to know, how'd you describe being intimate with someone without having sex?

Yes we have done things beyond hugging and kissing, like oral sex. But lately I haven't felt desire and that scares me...
22-08-07, 12:50 PM
someone562

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Regarding the physical pain during sex: did you actually attempt intercourse, and were unable to insert? Did your hymen break? (There would have been bleeding.) Some women have thicker-than-average hymens which need to be broken by a physician to allow for normal intercourse.

Thanks for your response vashti... Yes, I did attempt intercourse with my ex and yes he was unable to insert. I'm not sure whether my hymen broke because there was very little bleeding (some drops) but he never was able to penetrate because It hurt so much when he tried (just the tip) I couldn't help screaming. The pain was so horrible I haven't even let my current bf try :( I feel really really bad for that.
22-08-07, 01:05 PM
vashti

Have you ever seen a gynecologist? You should discuss this with him/her. You may have a medical condition. I mean, it hurts the first time, but generally not so much as to make one scream. Unless perhaps he was ridiculously large?

The bleeding... well, obviously your hymen was broken to some degree. It should be less painful in that event.
22-08-07, 01:14 PM
someone562

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Have you ever seen a gynecologist? You should discuss this with him/her. You may have a medical condition. I mean, it hurts the first time, but generally not so much as to make one scream. Unless perhaps he was ridiculously large?

The bleeding... well, obviously your hymen was broken to some degree. It should be less painful in that event.

Vashti:

No, I really have not. I know it's absurd but I'll go with one. He wasn't so large, just normal. And yes, I think my hymen got broken to some degree but I'm almost sure nor completely, that's sometime the gynecologist will be able to tell me...
22-08-07, 01:37 PM
vashti

It would help to rule out if our problem is of a physical or psychological nature...
Anyway, didn't you say you are in your mid 20s? You are overdue to see a gynecologist anyway... You should be looking into the HPV vaccine...
22-08-07, 01:55 PM
Mathias

My ex had that problem (hurt EVERY time we had sex). Please go to a doctor. This is a fairly rare, but treatable issue.
22-08-07, 02:02 PM
Only-virgins

Long-term relationship < sparks of infatuation
23-08-07, 02:16 AM
Junket

Quote:

Originally Posted by someone562 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yes we have done things beyond hugging and kissing, like oral sex. But lately I haven't felt desire and that scares me...

Has he tried performing oral on you?

Anyway, massaging and caressing can be are great ways of being physically intimate, but they do require a degree of emotional intimacy. If your boyfriend can be satisfied with "lesser" sex, and not have any expectations beyond it, it can be very pleasurable.

Also, have you tried masturbating yourself? Using your fingers or even a dildo? I would suggest doing these things on your own so there's no timidity or pressure felt with another present.