in love with another guy but still in a relationship

Hi guys,

I am currently in a relationship with my bf of 6 years. But recently in my graduate school, i met someone i am so attracted to. Hes my prof. Hes really talented and i look up to him a lot. I am doing my masters my thesis project will be under him. We should be abt 10 years apart or less.I still love my bf...but i am also really attracted to this new guy in my life. My tutor is Single and absolutely charming. I am not sure if hes interested in me, but i know he likes my work a lot : P. Anyone caught in the same situation? What should i do? Is this a crush or what? :(

Many, many people get crushes on their professors or tutors. You get to see them at their absolute best: teaching a subject they love! The professors who are reasonably good-looking and talented at what they do must get a dozen students with crushes on them every semester. If he is a good professor, he will pretend he doesn't notice. It can jeapordize his career to pursue romantic involvement with a student. It is considered unethical due to the power imbalance, and besides, he is probably married or involved with someone.

I think if you can't get over your crush, you should consider finding someone else to do your master's thesis with. I've seen lots of women humiliate themselves over these crushes.

(Ironically, if you could meet these professors outside their teaching environment, you would probably find them much less interesting.)

hi vashti
hes a very popular prof...and i think i wont change to another prof because its difficult as i am already in the mid of my semester.

I am not sure if i am overly sensitive...but he favours me a lot more than my other friends, in terms of his critque on my work.When we converse in emails, it gets kinda informal... like using ;) and stuff. Maybe if i know hes not interested in me....i will not be that interested as well...but hes really attractive.....i feel really bad towards my current bf...no one knows abt this...just gotta let out in this forum...SOMEONE HELP! thanks in advance

Kinda gross. I feel sorry for your boyfriend.

i think that i'd better switch professions.

raverboy

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Illusional [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

i think that i'd better switch professions.

raverboy

---

You won't have that problem, she said attractive.

honestly, i never imagine myself feeling this way for a tutor. But i just sense vibes when hes around....whats that suppose to mean? Gross?...i know i shouldnt be feeling this way since i am attached, but can u control your own feelings? by the way, nothing happened between me and my tutor. he doesnt even know any of this and he is still very profession in handling matters...well, may even just be a one sided thing. Just needed some advice as to how to get rid of this feeling :( Hes really talented and as my thesis advisor, i am reluntant to change tutor...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lovepolis [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

hi vashit
hes a very popular prof...and i think i wont change to another prof because its difficult as i am already in the mid of my semester.

I am not sure if i am overly sensitive...but he favours me a lot more than my other friends, in terms of his critque on my work.When we converse in emails, it gets kinda informal... like using ;) and stuff. Maybe if i know hes not interested in me....i will not be that interested as well...but hes really attractive.....i feel really bad towards my current bf...no one knows abt this...just gotta let out in this forum...SOMEONE HELP! thanks in advance

---

Even without any interest in someone outside that professional relationship, things can get /very/ informal with professors. Heck, my Computer Science advisor and I usually talk about stuff that has nothing to do with my major--what's the best joke we've heard lately and how many meal swipes I have left (since I tend to avoid the dining hall, it's always hilarious when I have 116 or so left at the end of the semester after being given only 200-ish to start with). But that doesn't mean there's any interest there--heck, that guy's older than my dad. It's possible to be friendly with someone in that position, always, because people are people. For someone to say "work talk only" when you're interacting with them to that degree is a little silly. And, like everyone you interact with, there are people you get along with better than others. That's probably the case for him--he can see you as a nice person with good interests, and he doesn't mind getting a little off-topic. So chances are that he has no romantic interest in you at all. And even if he did, there's no way he'd want to take that risk. It's supposed to be a professional relationship, and his job could be at stake if he takes it further than that. Also, you don't know what his personal life is like. School is not the only thing advisors have, and you have to admit that you have no window into his personal life. This was touched at some above, I think... And there might be someone from that personal life that he likes. Not only that, but at this stage, you can't be sure that the feeling won't fade. And if you try anything and ruin what you have with your boyfriend, and it /does/ fade, you'll have ruined something you were happy with. Also, in hypothetical, if you were to tell this advisor how you're feeling, he would probably turn you down. Then you'll be dealing with rejection, you'll be dealing with a suddenly formal relationship with this person you were getting along with so well, and you'll know that he knows, which is the worst part. It's an embarrassing thing, and you'd likely end up trying to switch. I think you should take this relationship for what it is--you get along with someone who happens to be your advisor. Even with the slight chance of something more, it is not a risk worth taking.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Only-virgins [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You won't have that problem, she said attractive.

---

dammit, there goes my dreams, right out the window along with everything else.

raverboy

I like my math TA, she's really cute and has a great body. It isn't a crush by any means though. I feel like I can't get a crush anymore even if I tried, let alone on someone 4 years older than me. I pretty much just want to bone her. I'm 18 and she's probably 22 or so.

So my situation is different from yours but is similar to some degree. Considering it sounds like a kind of new crush it might develop more if you are going to be "doing a thesis project under him".

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Many, many people get crushes on their professors or tutors. You get to see them at their absolute best: teaching a subject they love! The professors who are reasonably good-looking and talented at what they do must get a dozen students with crushes on them every semester. If he is a good professor, he will pretend he doesn't notice.

---

+1

And if he IS flirting w/you (winking, etc) then you'd best run fast b/c he is NOT being professional.

But I suspect you are reading more into his actions than is really there. Either way, avoid the situation.

If you two really *are* into each other, it should wait until you are no longer a student. I say this b/c prof-grad student pairings DO happen, but it is rare.

PS, you called Vash 'VaSHIT', lol. You'd better say sorry. ;)

my thesis project is over 2 whole semesters...i am just in the middle of the first. I really dont think i wanna risk my thesis grade and his job. So i wont be doing anything about it. Just needed to let out my secret here so i feel better. BUT I AM STILL SoOoooOOOOO ATTRACTED. If he makes a move after my thesis project.....what should i do?

PS: vashti, so sorry abt the spelling of your nick.

I think being attracted to multiple people is normal. Who says you can't simply *enjoy* the attraction? Just know your boundaries, and don't cross them. Don't ask for any special treatment, and avoid being alone. This is more for YOUR sake than his. It will help keep you from doing something silly you will regret later.

I know how you are feeling. I felt this way a lot last yr....and up until earlier this year. I had a thing for my instructor and everytime I saw him, it just made my feelings grow more intense. But, I had a break from him over summer and most of this semester. It's helped a lot. I have him next semester for classes and in a way I am dreading it. I'm finally starting to feel like my old self again and have become interested in other people. I just hope those feelings don't come back, because trust me, I know how strong they can be. The weird part is when those feelings pop up and your not even looking for anything.

I think it has a lot to do with looking up to them and admiring them. Then, if they make you feel good about yourself through your hard work(which teachers are supposed to do), you tend to mix those feelings with other strong feelings.... Plus, it doesn't hurt if the guy is attractive and makes YOU feel like your accomplishing a lot. But, bottom line is that when they leave their job at school, they have a whole other life going on. In my case, he had a gf with whom he is very serious with. (They are talking marriage soon.) I, on the other hand, am not even in a relationship. So, being lonely and combined with those good feelings he brought out, I figured out why I became attracted to him to begin with. Also, he was a tad flirty.... He gave me the attention I craved....that I needed, to feel like I was doing a good job. He definately took notice and sometimes I would catch him just staring at me... That really messed with my mind.
But either way, I know its best to let that go. He has a gf who obviously loves him very much and he is with her for a reason. Same goes for your bf. How do you think he would feel if you were pining away for your professor? And, what makes you so sure your professor isn't in a relationship of his own? As some of the others have pointed out, are you sure you would feel the same about him outside of school? Honestly.....think about this. Is it worth throwing your current relationship away even if there are no guarantees that you will end up with him?

If anything, just chalk it up to a meaningless crush. Everyone gets them. But, it's definately something I wouldn't act on, unless he acts on it first. If he does, then thats your time to worry about what you actually WOULD do. But in the meantime, keep it professional.

Hi Ellynn,

yeah i think u know how i feel. Hes got facebook and i saw from his status that hes single and not in a relationship. I love my bf a lot...hes been in my life for 6 whole years....i dont intend to give this up for someone whom i just got to know. But the problem here is that i am seeing myself having feelings for two guys at the same time. I cant help myself :(. Sometimes i really hope hes married or attached...knowing that will stop me from having feelings for him. Should i even add him on facebook?....

Thats a tricky one. Also, Thats odd that your professor even has facebook, or at least that he makes it public. None of mine do, at least to my knowledge....and trust me, I looked for that one in particular. But no luck. Plus, that would open up a whole other level that goes beyond the student/ teacher relationship. Do you really think thats wise at this point? Especially with you being his student for the next yr? I still say keep it professional. Then, when you are done being his student and still have these strong feelings, then you should start to worry.......and/or take things from there.

I just know that if I was in a great relationship with a great guy, I wouldn't think too far into this whole thing with my teacher. I think it's the fact that I have no time for relationships due to school...and school is where I spend most of my time.....this is why I ended up finding someone desireable there. Also, the fact that I'm single...and my parents are dead...and basically all of my friends are married or in relationships, it gets lonely... :(

But, back to you.... I think you need to focus on your bf. I think it is possible to love two people at once....but in different ways...and for different reasons. Your bf is reality.....and your teacher fantasy. Nothing is wrong with fantasy....but you have to draw the line somewhere. This crush for you is probably very exciting...gives you something to look forward to. (Ahh, i miss that boost, at least this semester... :) ) But, still.....be careful ok? You could end up throwing away a good thing for nothing.

Let's see...

good-looking
succesful
skilled
charming
authority/father figure

something most girls are attracted to (take or leave the father figure aspect).
You feel like he favours you, probably because your subconciously willing it. You see stuff that isn't there or substitue bits and pieces to make a whole that will satisfy you. I've been there and now realise how stupid and blind I was -

and I also see that the only reason ANY extra attention was paid to me was because I drew it to myself by giving HIM attention that was more than other students were giving.
... a very sticky and now embarassing situation.

You are not in love with this man, you're in love with the percetion you have of him. You've only seen him at his best, and the rest you assume.

hey lovepolis, my advice to you is to ask yourself..do you respect your boyfriend of SIX YEARS enough to be honest with him? You say you love him, but it sounds to me like you're just keeping him around and thinking about other people while in the relationship. Just because this person is talented, charming and likes your work, does not mean you should act on these so called "attractions"..he'syour professor for god's sake! Your boyfriend deserves better than someone who's just not emotionally there..be true to yourself and to him.

I think it is rather odd that this guy has a facebook, and even more so that he makes it public. To be honest, I question his maturity.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think it is rather odd that this guy has a facebook, and even more so that he makes it public. To be honest, I question his maturity.

---

Thats what I was thinking before, especially since students mainly have that.

How old is your professor anyways?

hes in his early 30s. Therefore our maximum age gap is no more than 10.

another thing, when you're in college your hormones are high and everyone is looking to get laid by someone older than they are. i think my eyes popped out of my head the first time i went to college...chicks everywhere.

raverboy

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think it is rather odd that this guy has a facebook, and even more so that he makes it public. To be honest, I question his maturity.

---

+1 I agree w/Vash.

Noone I know (myself included) uses this Facebook. A professor is too public a position.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lovepolis [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

hes in his early 30s. Therefore our maximum age gap is no more than 10.

---

you're still looking for justification.
Forget him.
One of my friends got together with a law lecturer with several other degrees and jobs. She got pregnant to him, he left.

Love is a choice, not a feeling. It is a choice to be truly other center-ed, and care more about your bf than yourself.

Evolution puts us here, and gives us feelings as part of the unique human mating strategy. It is a see a need fill a need thing, thats why attraction happens bewteen aquainted people at school, cause that is where a lot of time is spent. I think that is why it happens at work or just infidelity in general.
If more time is spent around another attractive male, then..........

You like him because females in general like older males with resources. Evolutionary thing that means survival for cavewomen........lol.

It is ok, but feelings are still intense.

You need to think this out. Try taking a philosophy course. I don't think this thing happens between students and tutors/professors in the philosophy department. The point is that someone mentioned that it wouldn't happen outside the graduate school setting. Maybe consider that.

Also, they said he might not like you, but if he should in a similar way, he would hold off cause of his age and just ethics. He didn't try to sweep you off your feet probably.

Maybe try this, tell him kinda what you told us. If there is time after, ask him if you can confide in him something kinda personal and ask for his advice. He should say yes, then tell him you kinda have a crush on him and saw his single status on facebook.

Tell him that you have a boyfriend, and are happy where you are at, but are torn by having feelings for two people. Tell him sorry, and you still don't mind being his student, but you are not sure and you haven't told anyone. Ask him what should you do to keep y'alls relationship strictly professional.

I don't think this would humiliate you. But would be intense. I think he would back off the friendly stuff. He might tell you he is dating someone else. I think after you do that, your crush will be resolved as much as can be. He might insist a transfer, but most likely will be ok about it. It might have happened to him before. He might use the classic teacher-student ethics as an excuse.

If a meteor was headed to earth and you had an hour to spend with only one person, who would you go to? A crush? Or someone who shares an equally powerful love with you?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ftheunion [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Love is a choice, not a feeling. It is a choice to be truly other center-ed, and care more about your bf than yourself.

---

A`choice? If that were true this forum wouldn't exist nor would countless unrequited love novels, movies, plays etc. I know you can will yourself (you may or may not succeed) but I doubt love is a choice.

Quote:

---

Maybe try this, tell him kinda what you told us. If there is time after, ask him if you can confide in him something kinda personal and ask for his advice. He should say yes, then tell him you kinda have a crush on him and saw his single status on facebook.

---

NO!!
nononono.
This girl has to work with this tutor for the next semester

Quote:

---

Ask him what should you do to keep y'alls relationship strictly professional.

---

Try not using him as a confessional booth is a good start.


lovepolis, this is probably the worst thing you could do to your professional relationship, because once the cat is out of the bag and you've gotten too intimate with him by telling him this, there's no going back. Things will be awkward, he probably WILL transfer to save his own butt, and will cause too much drama in your degree,

Don't tell him anything. That would be a HORRIBLE mistake.

I wouldn't tell him a thing. As a student, and him the teacher, that would put you in an awful position. If you really feel you want to bear your soul to him, do it after your classes with him have ended. Then if he rejects you, you don't have to see him again.

As for his age, the gap isn't too big. I mean, I had about the same age gap in my situation.

I just think that since you have a bf, you should work on things with him first before jumping into something else.

Well........nevermind that post then. naive. I like the Idea mentioned to wait until the end of the semester, would work for favorable. Plus gives you more time to decide. won't deny we have feelings that are intense, but then again don't believe in Love anymore.........

yes, i will never let him know...i am just gonna pass it off as a serious crush :) unless he makes the first move...den that is gonna make things a little more different. Shall wait and see...but NO way am i gonna confess my crush to him. I can never see myself doing that....no courage.. :)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ftheunion [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well........nevermind that post then. naive. I like the Idea mentioned to wait until the end of the semester, would work for favorable. Plus gives you more time to decide. won't deny we have feelings that are intense, but then again don't believe in Love anymore.........

---

Logic is irrational in matters of love.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lovepolis [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

yes, i will never let him know...i am just gonna pass it off as a serious crush :) unless he makes the first move...den that is gonna make things a little more different. Shall wait and see...but NO way am i gonna confess my crush to him. I can never see myself doing that....no courage.. :)

---

I hear ya. Plus thats the safe way to go in your situation. I mean, if you confessed all this as his student and he didn't feel the same...or even if he did, it would put both of you in a weird position.

If he really does like you as more then just a friend/good student, then he knows where to find you.....when your classes are done.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lovepolis [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hi guys,

I am currently in a relationship with my bf of 6 years. But recently in my graduate school, i met someone i am so attracted to. Hes my prof. Hes really talented and i look up to him a lot. I am doing my masters my thesis project will be under him. We should be abt 10 years apart or less.I still love my bf...but i am also really attracted to this new guy in my life. My tutor is Single and absolutely charming. I am not sure if hes interested in me, but i know he likes my work a lot : P. Anyone caught in the same situation? What should i do? Is this a crush or what? :(

---

Briefly went out with my math teacher when I was in High School does that count?
I presume there was some school policy about teachers messing around with their students. I didnt ask and wouldnt have. I liked her too much.

I was also being hit on by my therapist (recently) but I have alot of mix feelings about it. I presume she was married??? I dont know I just dont want to be used. I dont want to have a sexual relationship if theres no love in it.
I honestly cant say what you should do. Since I went through something similar.

i just had a meeting with my prof , the last time since i met up with him was before i even posted this thread. Meet up with him together with 7 other students. Things went as usual.....but after class a few of my friends ask why he was so proactive towards my project as compared to theirs and they started teasing me about how he said that " i love what your doing (thesis) and my prof kept teasing me as well...are they suspecting something? coz my serious crush is kinda like a little over already...and i am more interested in my thesis and work.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lovepolis [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

i just had a meeting with my prof , the last time since i met up with him was before i even posted this thread. Meet up with him together with 7 other students. Things went as usual.....but after class a few of my friends ask why he was so proactive towards my project as compared to theirs and they started teasing me about how he said that " i love what your doing (thesis) and my prof kept teasing me as well...are they suspecting something? coz my serious crush is kinda like a little over already...and i am more interested in my thesis and work.

---

I would just blow it off and not think too far into it. Keep focused on your work. If something happens later...deal with it then.

Nothings going to happen, trust me. What you describe is innocuous. He might even perceive you to be a little insecure & is trying to build you up. Forget about it & focus on your studies. This will seem like a cute "I once had a crush on my Prof" incident to you in a few years.

hi guys..i am back...feeling a little down...

i took a peep at his facebook...and under his relationship status, he changed it from single to in a relationship... after seeing that...i kinda feel weird...

btw i am not in his list, coz i dont feel like adding him.

i hate to say this, but the crush is kinda back...and its making me feel down...not so motivated...

oh well,as Indi said,it will seem irrelevant in a few years,maybe you could get a diferent tutor and try to forget him?