Confused......

I've been in a relationship for seven (7) years now. My SO is very controlling and as a person with low self-esteem/lack of self-confidence, during the course of our relationship, I've allowed him to judge, criticize me and make me feel worthless. I tried to become someone who he would approve of and love. I made a mistake about telling him too much about my past/mistakes, revealing my weak and vulnerable nature and when the opportunity arises, he throws it in my face. I have a very hard time expressing/communicating my feelings to him for fear of his reaction and subsequent criticisms of how "slight or foolish" I am. I walk on eggshells and have no confidence in my thoughts and opinions when I'm around him. So our conversations are very limited and I pick/choose what I say to him.

Sexually I was very reserved and conservative but I allowed him to persuade me to try new things (including swinging) because I wanted to please him, keep him excited and so he would love me. I continued participating in his sexual wants and desires, but never felt the same excitement and desire as he did for them. I am very attracted to him physically and the chemistry is there, I'm just not as freaky as he is. When I expressed I didn't enjoy this/that, he would insist "he doesn't know who I'm hiding from, me or him" or "the freakiness is in me" or "I have a very high sex drive and he can't understand what my problem is", etc. I'd wonder to myself, if all this is true, what's wrong with me? Whenever I expressed something, he would claim the contrary and confuse the hell out of me. He has physically abused me a couple of times but, trying to understand him and his anger and not wanting to hurt his feelings, I stayed with him.

Now I'm at a point where I'm gradually waking up out of this trench I buried myself in and am embarking on a journey of personal development. I've expressed to him how I feel and told him that I cannot be with him anymore (for the above reasons) as I need to do some work on me, discover me, etc., but I can't do it while I'm with him because of the person he is. Of course he doesn't want to accept this and thinks I just need to "open up my damn mouth" and speak!

IMO he has some anger management issues. He is harboring bitterness and resentment due to some things from his past, but he doesn't want to admit it. He does not like to take constructive criticism, but loves to criticize everyone else. He has an answer for everything and his answer is always right. I told him I have been doing some research on behavior, etc., and I would like him to read some information. He outright refused and said he doesn't need anyone telling him what to do! I want to help him and I want our relationship to work....am I fooling myself? :sad2:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sofia [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I want to help him and I want our relationship to work....am I fooling myself?

---

IMO, yes, you are. Distracting yourself, more like. You've got enough of your own shit to deal with, and you know it, but once again, it's becoming all about him.

I think you're going to be better off if you make a clean break of it, but I admit that's mostly because when the word "controlling" comes up, I hear "doom".

You decide. If you want out, do it decisively and draw some serious boundaries, or you're going to have one of those ugly, drag-on-forever breakups.

If you want to work on it, understand that you can't make him do anything. All you can change is yourself.

[quote=Gigabitch;300444]IMO, yes, you are. Distracting yourself, more like. You've got enough of your own shit to deal with, and you know it, but once again, it's becoming all about him.[quote]

You're so right about that!

Quote:

---

I think you're going to be better off if you make a clean break of it, but I admit that's mostly because when the word "controlling" comes up, I hear "doom".

---

That's what my head is telling me......

Quote:

---

You decide. If you want out, do it decisively and draw some serious boundaries, or you're going to have one of those ugly, drag-on-forever breakups.

---

That's what I'm afraid of.....:(

Quote:

---

If you want to work on it, understand that you can't make him do anything. All you can change is yourself.

---

Very true and I plan to continue my journey in personal development....I just wish he would support me and how I go about doing it. :sad2:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sofia [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I just wish he would support me and how I go about doing it.

---

Well, that and a buck will get you a bus ride, know what I mean? I think guys like that are emotional vampires. All you're left with is wishes and a really exhausted heart at the end of the day.

Do you think he's actually going to get in your way?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, that and a buck will get you a bus ride, know what I mean? I think guys like that are emotional vampires. All you're left with is wishes and a really exhausted heart at the end of the day.

Do you think he's actually going to get in your way?

---

In the past when I've told him it's over, he has persuaded me to work it out. I wrote him a letter expressing all my issues with him and our relationship, to which he responded I should have written it a long time ago. However, I was always afraid of his reaction and him belittling my feelings/opinions. At first it seemed as though he actually sympthasized, but last night when he called me it seems as though he is getting defensive (as if I need to get over this in his no-nonsense tone) and if our relationship means anything to him I should stop this crap and carry on as usual.

He uses alot of foul language, which I personally find unattractive. He said that's how he expresses himself, which is fine and I know it's a common thing, but I cringe everytime he or someone else express themselves with expletives. I try to not let it get to me, but it does...:upset:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, that and a buck will get you a bus ride, know what I mean?

---

I like this expression very much, but I've never heard it before and I'm not quite sure what it means. Giga?

It costs a dollar to ride the bus. Wishes won't get you on the bus.

Well after i read that he has "physically" abused u, i really think there's no hope for ur relationship to work, once the respect is gone...what else is there? :upset:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sofia [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

....am I fooling myself? :sad2:

---

yo're fooling yourself by staying with him... looks like he's using you for a punching bag and you greatfully taking it...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by xmoongirlx [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well after i read that he has "physically" abused u, i really think there's no hope for ur relationship to work, once the respect is gone...what else is there? :upset:

---

He hates it if I disrespect him infront of people, especially his family....one night, about a year and a half ago, I made the mistake of swearing in my frustration infront of his son and he went ballistic(sp).....while we were in the car, he punched my head several times because I had the audacity to do such a thing.....I told him he's full of anger/resentment for his past hurts/issues and that he criticizes and judges others too much...he said he's happy the way he is and doesn't think he has a problem so don't try to change him...he said I knew how he was the day I met him and now, seven years later, all of sudden I have a problem with it....he thinks I'm using my claim of lack of self-esteem/confidence and intimidation of him as an excuse and that I need to just open my damn mouth and speak up...stand up for myself whether he likes it or not.....

Sadly, I have very little patience for women who put up with abusers. I watched my dad beat the shit out of my mom for 16 years and heard many, many promises from her that we would leave, but never actually succeeded. Having been in the position of a child in that circumstance, I have some very strong opinions about it:

YOU SUCK. I mean that in the nicest way possible, but there it is. Nothing you say or do is going to mean a Goddamned thing until you leave that asshole. If you choose to stay, then you deserve it. Hear me? You're not a victim. You're an asshole too.

Don't like what you're hearing? Too bad. If you think I'm just hiding behind the anonymity of the internet, think again. I've said these things to women's faces before, and I'd say it to you if you were standing right in front of me.

Yes, I'd help you, too. I'd throw your shit in my car and drive you to the police station to file a restraining order against him (yes, it will come to that, you might as well do it right off). I'd provide you with a place to stay for a while and moral support, but that's only if you left him, which you have not done.

There is no excuse in this modern age for staying with a shit like him. There is help. There are organizations that exist solely to assist women who want to leave abusers. He is not protected by the law or by society at large.

Leave him or shoot yourself.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sofia [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

He hates it if I disrespect him infront of people, especially his family....one night, about a year and a half ago, I made the mistake of swearing in my frustration infront of his son and he went ballistic(sp).....while we were in the car, he punched my head several times because I had the audacity to do such a thing.....I told him he's full of anger/resentment for his past hurts/issues and that he criticizes and judges others too much...he said he's happy the way he is and doesn't think he has a problem so don't try to change him...he said I knew how he was the day I met him and now, seven years later, all of sudden I have a problem with it....he thinks I'm using my claim of lack of self-esteem/confidence and intimidation of him as an excuse and that I need to just open my damn mouth and speak up...stand up for myself whether he likes it or not.....

---

I thought you were dealing with your standard run-of-the-mill emotional retard until I read this last. I've been there, but didn't have much to add to Gigas posts.

You're with an abuser. You need to go, effective yesterday. This guy doesn't respect you at all. Once you've left, then you can figure out all the 'whys'. You're wasting energy working out all the Pysch lingo about 'why he does what he does', yadda, yadda. All its doing is distracting you from what you need to do.

Leave him. Don't even try to justify his actions to us. We see what is.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You're with an abuser. You need to go, effective yesterday.

---

I agree with Indi on this. If you stay in this relationship any longer things will only get worse.

I admire your courage and resilience for putting up with this type of behaviour for 7 years (It's a long time). But in a situation like this you need to rip the band aid off in one go, there is no other way around it.

List through the summary of his behaviour:

He doesn't respect you
He uses foul language directed at you
He abuses you both physically and emotionally
He doesn't want to hear about any issues in your relationship
He is not going to modify his behaviour for hte relationship to get better

Ask yourself, exactly what are you in it for?

if relationship loss the respect .. what will rest ??? he didnt respecting you ... also your opinions

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sadly, I have very little patience for women who put up with abusers. I watched my dad beat the shit out of my mom for 16 years and heard many, many promises from her that we would leave, but never actually succeeded. Having been in the position of a child in that circumstance, I have some very strong opinions about it:

YOU SUCK. I mean that in the nicest way possible, but there it is. Nothing you say or do is going to mean a Goddamned thing until you leave that asshole. If you choose to stay, then you deserve it. Hear me? You're not a victim. You're an asshole too.

Don't like what you're hearing? Too bad. If you think I'm just hiding behind the anonymity of the internet, think again. I've said these things to women's faces before, and I'd say it to you if you were standing right in front of me.

Yes, I'd help you, too. I'd throw your shit in my car and drive you to the police station to file a restraining order against him (yes, it will come to that, you might as well do it right off). I'd provide you with a place to stay for a while and moral support, but that's only if you left him, which you have not done.

There is no excuse in this modern age for staying with a shit like him. There is help. There are organizations that exist solely to assist women who want to leave abusers. He is not protected by the law or by society at large.

Leave him or shoot yourself.

---

OUCH!!! I thought my sister was aggressive, but whoa!!! I get it, I get it! I SUCK BIG TIME!!! She's pretty much telling me the same thing but in not in quite the same words!! :upset:

I mean it, too, but not in the harsh way it sounds. I just want you to get your ass out of there.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I thought you were dealing with your standard run-of-the-mill emotional retard until I read this last. I've been there, but didn't have much to add to Gigas posts.

You're with an abuser. You need to go, effective yesterday. This guy doesn't respect you at all. Once you've left, then you can figure out all the 'whys'. You're wasting energy working out all the Pysch lingo about 'why he does what he does', yadda, yadda. All its doing is distracting you from what you need to do.

Leave him. Don't even try to justify his actions to us. We see what is.

---

We don't live together, we have our own homes....

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mishanya [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I agree with Indi on this. If you stay in this relationship any longer things will only get worse.

I admire your courage and resilience for putting up with this type of behaviour for 7 years (It's a long time). But in a situation like this you need to rip the band aid off in one go, there is no other way around it.
List through the summary of his behaviour:

He doesn't respect you
He uses foul language directed at you
He abuses you both physically and emotionally
He doesn't want to hear about any issues in your relationship
He is not going to modify his behaviour for hte relationship to get better

Ask yourself, exactly what are you in it for?

---

Thanks Mishanya.....

I know, you're right.....there are just too many things wrong with this relationship. :sad2:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Al Pacino [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

if relationship loss the respect .. what will rest ??? he didnt respecting you ... also your opinions

---

True.....I'm not sure what's left? :sad2:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I mean it, too, but not in the harsh way it sounds. I just want you to get your ass out of there.

---

I know you mean well....I do appreciate your advise and no offense taken.....I told my sister (she's older than me) that she got my share of guts/aggression...she told me it's time for me to take it back!!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sofia [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

We don't live together, we have our own homes....

---

I meant leave the relationship, tho the fact that you don't physically live w/him will make it even easier.

I assume after this time you have keys to each others homes? Change your locks, asap. Then give his key back and formally break w/him in a public place. Or by phone if you feel that is safer. Be polite, non inflammatory, but very, very firm.

If he comes around your place after that, call the police immediately. Don't mess around w/this kind of thing.

Spend some time w/your sister & get some emotional support. You'll be fine.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sofia [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

True.....I'm not sure what's left? :sad2:

---

Figure out what you've learned after you break it off. Normally I would never say this, but abusive relationships are a different situation. You have to be total tunnel vision with only one goal: escape.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I meant leave the relationship, tho the fact that you don't physically live w/him will make it even easier.

I assume after this time you have keys to each others homes? Change your locks, asap. Then give his key back and formally break w/him in a public place. Or by phone if you feel that is safer. Be polite, non inflammatory, but very, very firm.

If he comes around your place after that, call the police immediately. Don't mess around w/this kind of thing.

Spend some time w/your sister & get some emotional support. You'll be fine.

---

I don't have a key to his house.....he purchased it about a year ago and supposedly never got around to cutting me a key....I never asked for one either....I left that up to him....He already gave me back the key to my house....

Both of us know our relationship is doomed but it seems we're each waiting on the other to end it....he did comment yesterday that's it's easier for us to end our relationship because we're not living together.....I think it's more the number of years we've been together that is hard to just dismiss....:upset:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Figure out what you've learned after you break it off. Normally I would never say this, but abusive relationships are a different situation. You have to be total tunnel vision with only one goal: escape.

---

Yeah, I have some real soul searching to do!!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sofia [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

....He already gave me back the key to my house....

Both of us know our relationship is doomed but it seems we're each waiting on the other to end it....he did comment yesterday that's it's easier for us to end our relationship because we're not living together.....

---

Huh. Are you sure you're not the one hanging onto him?

Get clear in your head, Sonia. There are going to be all kinds of things you miss about the relationship, but they won't be things about HIM, and the more firm you are with yourself, the easier it will be to get through the hard part and come out on the other side.

Get some help. Tell your sister to help you stay away from him. Tell your friends you're going to need checking-in on for a few months. Post here every day. You can do this.

He called me last night and I told him I think the best thing to do is to end the relationship....he wanted a list of why and doesn't think my reasons are good enough to end a 7-year relationship and that I'm a heartless bitch!

I told him I'm afraid of him physically abusing me, he said if you don't curse at me/disrespect me in public or especially infront of my family, then he wouldn't react in that way...He said why is it ok for me to verbally abuse him or swear at him and it is not ok for him to retalliate in getting physical? He said he doesn't plan to abuse me, he get's mad, loses his temper and reacts, he can't help it and he doesn't see how it is fair for me to disrespect him and he not retalliate....I said it wld be better if u cursed me back instead of physically abusing me, he kept ignoring that point.....

He is just so shocked that I feel my reasons are enough to want to end our relationship...then he accused me of finding someone else, that is why I'm finding it so easy to end the relationship....

I hear you, I have the same decision to make but for other reasons. I have to say, I was doubting my decision, but I think yours is more justified than mine. Leave.

Now he's saying he doesn't want to lose me and is willing to try and change the things I'm unhappy with about him...he said instead of focusing on what he feels is wrong with me, he is going to try and focus on his own flaws/issues....

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sofia [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Now he's saying he doesn't want to lose me and is willing to try and change the things I'm unhappy with about him...he said instead of focusing on what he feels is wrong with me, he is going to try and focus on his own flaws/issues....

---

This is called The Big Lie, also known as 'I'll say anything to avoid the work of getting a new sex partner'. Stay the course, Sofia.

And that comment about 'what is wrong with you'? Lol, he's pretty stupid to have actually said that to you. He's just trying to psych you into feeling insecure so you rethink your decision. Standard Manipulation 101.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sofia [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

...he wanted a list of why and doesn't think my reasons are good enough to end a 7-year relationship and that I'm a heartless bitch!

---

Well, it takes two people to have a relationship and one person to end it. You don't need his permission.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, it takes two people to have a relationship and one person to end it. You don't need his permission.

---

I sure don't!!

It really amazes me how a person can go from being mean to nice in an instant!! He's gone from calling me a heartless bitch (the night before when I told him it's over) to calling me boo-boo like nothing ever happened!! LOL

He's going through so much crap in his life right now, NOTHING is going right for him and me being the "sucky" person I am, do not have the heart to desert him...so I'm lending him a sympathetic ear....I'm still standing firm in my opinions however with everything that is wrong with him and our relationship.....He has emotionally drained me and he knows I mean business now.....one negative step towards me and he can kiss my behind goodbye.....

Has anyone known an angry/bitter person to change?

People don't change, and it's usually pointless to try. He doesn't deserve the chance you're giving him, however small.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Moonchild [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

People don't change, and it's usually pointless to try. He doesn't deserve the chance you're giving him, however small.

---

I think a person can change if they *want* to.....I know I'm changing....If I give him a chance, it would be more for my satisfaction than his in knowing at least I tried.....

you're not changing because you're obviously on your way to going back to the guy. You've had a temporary surge of strength which now seems to be rapidly seeping away. I would be willing to wager a large amount of money that it will be the same with your "reformed" boyfriend and his new attitude.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sofia [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It really amazes me how a person can go from being mean to nice in an instant!! He's gone from calling me a heartless bitch (the night before when I told him it's over) to calling me boo-boo like nothing ever happened!! LOL

---

That's nothing to LOL about. That sounds mighty ****ing familiar, and it actually turns my stomach.

When I was a kid, I actually found myself looking forward to my parents fighting, because we could be assured of quite a few "nothing ever happened" days after that, and those were the best.

Don't buy it, boo-boo. Listen, the one you have to worry about here is YOU. You're your own worst enemy in this circumstance. Did you tell your sister what's going on?