I am not liking the Baby Momma "Drama"

Greetings forum. I'm not sure where this question would go, but I wanted a women's perspective on my problem. This is also my first post, so please be kind as I try to feel my way around.

With that said, I have a girlfriend who I am very serious with, and a marriage proposal is right around the corner. I have a daughter by another women, and she has a son. Lately she's been getting really pissed because my daughter's mother calls me all the time. She even gets upset when my daughter wants to talk to me, because it's usually her mother who calls me.

My question are: Why is my girlfriend getting so upset? Is this her problem? If her being upset is my fault, then what can I do to stay in my daughters life without offending my girlfriend?

Please help.

Anthonee

She entered into the relationship knowing you had the responsibility of another child. She being a mother herself should have more than a little comprehension of what that entails.
How much interest does her son's dad pay to him? That could upset her. She could be suspicious of your ex, wondering if she is using your daughter as an excues to talk to you so often.

As to how annoyed I would get would depend on how often is all the time is. I would love it if my sons dad would ring to speak to him, but I can count on one hand the number of times he has done this. My partner did get annoyed at one point when his dad was ringing or sending text messages to me 16+ times a day. That was a bit much

First thank you for your reply. Her son's father is not in his life. I think she is suspicious. I think she hates that I can't see through it, or that I don't let on that I do. But what can I do? I want to be in my daughters life. How do I decrease the calls to me, when I'm thinking it's daughter related?

I would say I get atleast 1 call everyday about something. Sometimes two calls. At one point she would call and call, when I didn't answer, and my gf would get very annoyed. I would, however, feel the brunt of her annoyance.

You need 2 talk 2 your GF and explain too her that you need to be a part of your daughters life and that means keeping in contact with your ex she probably feels insercue and is worried that your ex is just trying to get back with you by ringing a million times aday xxx

Well, I would concur with buzwiz. You need to confront her about it and ask why she doesn't like the fact that your ex-lover is calling you. You should explain to her that you love her (your girlfriend), but you also love your daughter.

Take this from me: I have been a step-child, a step-sibling, and a step-parent. The woman you are thinking of marrying is going to make your life a living hell, as well as that of your daughter. She does not seem to understand that your CHILD is your first responsibility, not her petty insecurities. How can you for a single moment tolerate someone who resents your own child calling you? These problems WILL, I promise you, escalate. She will be working on getting you to turn your back on your own kid. This is a recipe for disaster. You will do irreperable harm to the relationship between yourself and your daughter if you marry this woman.

I wouldn't do anything foolish (like get remarried) until this is absolutely a non-issue. That woman is going to be responsible for helping to raise your daughter and she already resents her. BAD, BAD, BAD idea. What will things be like when you daughter is a rotten teenager, worthy of loathing? You should really think about getting some counseling if you insist on keeping this woman around, but honestly, I don't think this kind of problem can be repaired.

Do the right thing for your daughter. You are her DAD, for crying out loud.

PS - I am not a hypocrite. I've made nice with my husband's ex so many times, she actually thinks we are friends, and I really don't even like her. I also write in my husband's calendar once-per-week phone calls to ensure he keeps in close contact with his older kids. I schedule all holidays around THEIR needs so they won't have to choose where to go. I've sacrificed a LOT to ensure they have regular contact with their dad. THAT is how someone behaves when they have a child's best interests in mind.

Im a parent married recently married to someone who doesnt have children and it IS a problem. Oh yea welcome arms and all but the first sight of problems and he's on the shitter. It has caused serious damage. My son is now 18. We married a year ago.

Ive expressed relentlessly to my husband when we married he KNEW we were a package deal and that seems to have to have to turned to "oh freakn well." Im in the middle but choose my son at all times. Of course it pisses my husband off to no end, cause my son is number 1 in my life and not him. But my son has been around alot longer than he is.

You NEED to tell you gf your daughter is important in your life and she needs to accept it like it or not if not theres the door. Theres not enough love that will overcome some of this trust me. Im in it right now.

Tell her, and you can express to your x to only call when there is an emergency. You need the respect for yourself and for your current gf.

you HAVE to straighten it out now because there will be years of bs to come.

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Originally Posted by squirrley [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Tell her, and you can express to your x to only call when there is an emergency. You need the respect for yourself and for your current gf.

you HAVE to straighten it out now because there will be years of bs to come.

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Again, thanks for taking the time to reply to me. I appreciate everyone's responses.

I have told my ex that. I have asked her only to call me during emergencies. But what about when my daughter wants to call me? She's only five, so she doesn't know how to call me herself.

She has expressed that this has been really hard on her to tolerate. I fear that this will bring much bs to our lives.

She has a son too, and I expect her to put his needs first in her life. Why can't she understand that I have to do the same for my daughter. Given, the situation is a bit different, in that my daughter's mother is the custodial parent (we were never married), but my daughter is the light of my heart.

I think what I've gained from the few responses I've gotten so far is that I need to discuss this with my gf, and let her know that her resentments are preventing a healthy relationship with my daughter, she comes first in my physical life, that I don't want my ex back, and that I love her (gf).

Youre doing the right thing for your daughter. Your gf honestly is being petty about it. Shes FIVE!! She's going to be in your life the rest of YOUR lives. If she cant deal with the minor stuff now what is it going to be like when she hits a teen? OMG oh wow, you need to set the ground rules. She either accepts it or she doesnt. Theres no middle ground. When your x calls you dont have to talk to her or keep it simple. Your daughter IS your life. And believe me you have so many years ahead of enjoyment and heartache with her, dont miss out on something wonderful because your gf cant get it. She's being insecure which is almost selfish on her part. She's like taking it out on your daughter because she cant call? Thats honestly messed up.

Its nice and great of you to let her know her son comes first too. Its important she knows it. The love you feel for your children cant even compare for the romantic love you have someone. But a child is something uncomparable. You can have a healthy relationship with someone as long as they understand there is a child involved.

Again, just let her know how important she is to you, but your daughter is just as important and you want to be involved in EVERYTHING in her life!

I hate to say it, because it is one of the very ugliest parts of being a woman, but a great many of us can't handle well someone else's children being in the picture. "There shall be no gods before me and MY children" thinking.

Don't marry a woman like that.

As for your ex trying to get you back (if that is indeed the case), once you have a stable relationship formed with someone, her excessive calls should diminish. However, if you marry a bitch that is interfereing with your ability to parent your daughter, your ex will have a great deal of justifiable wrath, and you will ALL suffer.

DON'T MARRY HER. your daughter is your blood and there is no way to change that. your girlfriend is acting like a 16 year old girl: it's all about her in her mind. she thinks she should be the center of attention. spoiled as hell, i presume?

i would think as a father, raising a daughter would be hard enough, worrying about the types of guys out there and whatever. then you have to worry about your current girlfriend over stupid shit because she believes she's the center of attention?

damn, if that was my girlfriend i would make it VERY clear that my daughter comes first and if she doesn't like it, she can find someone else. don't let her push you around and be very firm in that, no if's and's or but's about it.

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Originally Posted by Michael6084 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

DON'T MARRY HER. your daughter is your blood and there is no way to change that.

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Please keep in mind that I want to keep this girl in my life. She is my friend. She is my partner. I believe God has helped us find each other. I don't want to give up so easily. Just trying to find a way to make this work for everyone.

I think lately people give up too easily on what they deem important to them at the moment. Then when things get too hard, they give up.

Ladies of this forum, maybe you could help me to form the words I need to say to keep my friend, and help her see that my daughter is important to me.

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Originally Posted by anthonee [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think lately people give up too easily on what they deem important to them at the moment. Then when things get too hard, they give up.

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Yes. Men (and sometimes women) often walk away from their children when things get tough. I don't want this to be you.

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Originally Posted by anthonee [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Ladies of this forum, maybe you could help me to form the words I need to say to keep my friend, and help her see that my daughter is important to me.

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Tell her you love her, but you are absolutely unwilling to allow ANYONE to come between you and your daughter, and that she (your daughter) will always be your first priority, just as her son should be hers. And then tell her that if she loves you, she will support you 100% on this position, just as you intend to support her in her loyalty to her son.

I know you are trying to figure out a way to sugar coat this, but I really think you need to be direct and blunt. It may hurt some now, but not nearly as much as it will when you start having step-issues later on.

Be firm.

Vashti is really collecting names and returning favours in this thread.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I've made nice with my husband's ex so many times, she actually thinks we are friends, and I really don't even like her. I also write in my husband's calendar once-per-week phone calls to ensure he keeps in close contact with his older kids. I schedule all holidays around THEIR needs so they won't have to choose where to go. I've sacrificed a LOT to ensure they have regular contact with their dad. THAT is how someone behaves when they have a child's best interests in mind.

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I liked reading that Vash. You should post insights like this more often.

Thank you Vashti for your insights. I will definitely be direct, and tell her what I expect of both she and I. That advice will help greatly. Thanks again everyone for your help in this matter.

I'm not a parent and have never been in such a situation so I can't offer anythign to match the quality of the above advice! But she seems insecure and threatened by your past life and your ex-wife, and your daughter is like a bridge between you and your ex, and I'm guessing she wants you to have nothing to do with that. But your daughter's interest should be number one and this woman is standing in the way with her obnoxious insecurity.

Kudos to Vash for nailing this one.

Anthonee, I hope for your sake that your GF issues are more to do w/her insecurities than a dislike for your daughter. If its the latter, make sure you choose your child (b/c you will be manipulated into choosing if that's so). In that worse-case scenario, dumping your GF will only damage her & yourself, two adults who will recover. By harming your child, you are affecting her, your relationship w/her, any future SOs relationships & likely your grandchildren. Something to keep in mind when you are weighing your options. Good luck.

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Originally Posted by Mishanya [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I liked reading that Vash. You should post insights like this more often.

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I rarely post anything about my personal life unless it is directly related to the topic at hand, and I think extra credibility may be necessary. I like my private life to be private, especially the more weighty topics.

Besides, I rather enjoy your ridiculous assumptions about my life, which have absolutely nothing to do with reality.

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Originally Posted by anthonee [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Please keep in mind that I want to keep this girl in my life. She is my friend. She is my partner. I believe God has helped us find each other. I don't want to give up so easily.

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And YOU keep in mind that you have not only found your friend and partner, but also a stepmother for your daughter. Try to see her this way, for just a moment, without your own feelings coloring the picture. Are you doing right by your daughter?

I think you should tell her straight up that you are uncomfortable marrying someone that's threatened by the fact that you have a past. You can put this in a nicer way, but be clear that this is what you mean. Your girlfriend is gearing up to make you choose between her and your daughter. It will be much easier for her to do this when she's got a ring on her finger.

Fix this shit FIRST.

That's a good point Gigabitch. I like that advice as well. I will definitely do so.

Ok, so she and I talked, and she convinced me that it wasn't my daughter that was the problem, but rather her mom calling me incessantly. She says that if my daughter wants to talk to me, she can dial the number for her, and give the phone to her, without the need to talk to me about something in the interim.

She also wants me to call my daughter first, and be direct with that approach, as in, "hello, calling to say goodnight to my daughter", for example.

She has also agreed to be less frustrated when I get a phone call at night or in the morning when we are having breakfast, or spending time together, if I can work on getting my daughters mother to call me way less often.

So now my question is, how do I tell my daughters mother to decrease the call frequency to me without causing her to feel malice towards me and taking it out on the time I want to spend with my daughter? Yes, yes I know she's not suppose to do this, but you know how people are.

I want to be direct and to the point, but I don't want her to feel like I'm the enemy or something. I'm just trying to get on with my life. I guess, If you were calling your ex over and over again for attention, what would you want him to say to you to get you to stop?

I'm still not asking the question correctly. I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to hurt other peoples feelings, which is one reason we stayed together for so long. We were never married though, just wanted to clarify that position.

Again, there is no way to control your ex's behavior. If you guys get along pretty well, you could just tell her that her phone calls make your new girlfriend insecure, I guess, but that will not make your girlfriend look very grown up, will it? (I would definitely point this out to your girlfriend. It may help to shut her up because one thing women hate is to look insecure to an ex.) As I said before, the phone calls should diminish once your ex recognizes you have moved on. It is often painful for an ex to move on because it forces you to accept that there is no more hope for reconciliation, which is especially sad when children are involved. It's too bad your girlfriend can't be just a little more compassionate about that.

I don't know what the dialogue is like between you and your ex. Are you chatting about nonsense? If so, cut it out. You don't need to be rude, but you can simply say "I'm on my way out the door, what do you need?". Again, tell your girlfriend you are not willing to be an ass to your ex in order to keep her from calling because that would negatively impact your daughter.

I don't like that your girlfriend is trying to control how phone calls are to take place. Controlling behavior escalates over time. It really worries me about how she will be relating to your daughter when she visits. What is she going to do if your daughter misses her mom when she is visiting and wants to call home? (This is a VERY normal thing to have happen.) I suspect she will take it as a personal affront and deal harshly with your kid when really, it is NORMAL to want to call your mom when you miss her when you are little.

As for your ex withholding visitation, do you have a court order? If not, you may want to get one. I hope your girlfriend will make nice enough that you won't have to resort to that, but it is not looking hopeful, to be honest.

You know, I want to give you another piece of unsolicited advice: don't let your girlfriend play a role in disciplining your child, even if you decide to get married. She should be acting like an aunt who spoils your daughter and has fun with her. YOU should do the parenting in your household all by yourself. If you don't follow this advice, the odds are overwhelming that your daughter and your girlfriend will HATE each other, and they will both resent you for not protecting them from one another. Trust me on this.

I think you should just let your ex get tired of calling you all the time. If you tell her to stop it, you run the risk of looking like you don't want to talk to your daughter, and that's terrible.

It's hard for me to advise you about how to deal with your girlfriend in this matter, because it sounds like you're far too nice to do what I would do in that situation. If it were me in your shoes, I'd cut her down to size with about two minutes of cold-hearted description of just how ridiculous and insecure she was making her self look, not only to me but to my ex as well, making it very clear that it made her far less attractive to me every time she showed me how threatened she was by this person who is part of my past and impossible to get rid of. I would make her cry and look at her with disgust.

You're probably not going to do that, though.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You're probably not going to do that, though.

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I bet he would if he had a crystal ball and could see what his life is gonna look like in 10 years if he stays with her.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I rarely post anything about my personal life unless it is directly related to the topic at hand, and I think extra credibility may be necessary. I like my private life to be private, especially the more weighty topics.

Besides, I rather enjoy your ridiculous assumptions about my life, which have absolutely nothing to do with reality.

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My assumptions are only grounded in that which you yourself reveal ;)

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Originally Posted by anthonee [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She has also agreed to be less frustrated when I get a phone call at night or in the morning when we are having breakfast, or spending time together, if I can work on getting my daughters mother to call me way less often.

I want to be direct and to the point, but I don't want her to feel like I'm the enemy or something. I'm just trying to get on with my life. I guess, If you were calling your ex over and over again for attention, what would you want him to say to you to get you to stop?

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Do you feel your ex is calling you up for attention? How often does she call you for a conversation and what are the usual conversation lengths? I was about to say that your new gf may be jelous that your ex is recieving a lot of attention. Does she have a reason to be jelous?

You should just come out tell the x to please not call so often, only when necessary. Show some respect thats all, for all of you. I can understand the current gf feeling like uuuuuuuuugh why does she always have to call??? Its probably frustrating for her. BUT she has to accept it. PERIOD. You will be living like this for the rest of your lives.

I have to put my 2 cents in on some advice for the discipline as well. My son was 16 when I met my husband. My husband wanted to be a part of kyles life and he felt disciplining was one of those things. I felt completely different and we STILL argue over my son. My husband and I came together way late in kyles life. Child bearing age was over.

Im not sure how the current gf feels in child rearing your daughter or how much she wants to be involved. But your daughter is so young yet and they have a great opportunity to establish a wonderful relationship. You will have so many things come up with her as well as with her child. Do you play an active role in her childs life? Its tough no doubt.

If you want a solid relationship you'll have to work through things together and talk things out together.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You know, I want to give you another piece of unsolicited advice: don't let your girlfriend play a role in disciplining your child, even if you decide to get married. She should be acting like an aunt who spoils your daughter and has fun with her. YOU should do the parenting in your household all by yourself. If you don't follow this advice, the odds are overwhelming that your daughter and your girlfriend will HATE each other, and they will both resent you for not protecting them from one another. Trust me on this.

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Normally I would disagree w/this, only b/c it sets up a dynamic of competition b/t your daughter & your GF from the get-go. Under reasonable circumstances, I would say that your future wife's discipline actions should be equally respected as yours.

But she's just not sounding very reasonable, so I think this is the path you & she will need to take in order to have ANY peace in your home. You can always try to sell the idea of 'Fairy StepMom' to her by reminding her it likely won't go down well w/your ex. That should provide some motivation. Good luck.

Damn, real life shi....stuff. I'm really tired of it all. I come so close to just calling it quits with my gf, but I realize that problems are bound to happen, and that the relationship would be "fake" if they didn't occur.

I'm going to try to answer some questions that was asked of me:

I don't have a court order for my daughter's visitation because we both wanted to keep the courts out of our lives. This hasn't been working out too well though, and I am pursuing a court order for visitation).

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...that your daughter and your girlfriend will HATE each other, and they will both resent you for not protecting them from one another

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Not sure about that one. I want my daughter to respect my gf or wife for who she is as an adult and a mom. I don't want her to think that she doesn't have to do what she says because she's not her real mom, you know.

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...two minutes of cold-hearted description of just how ridiculous and insecure she was making her self look, not only to me but to my ex as well, making it very clear that it made her far less attractive to me every time she showed me how threatened she was by this person who is part of my past and impossible to get rid of.

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Gigabitch, I am not that far away from this at all. After the conversation we (my gf) and I had tonight, she is really frustrating the hell out of me. I am sick of her insecurities in this matter. I'm on the verge of "looking at her with disgust".

My family continues to talk to her about my Baby Momma drama situation, and never to me, and that in itself frustrates me, but that's another story. I'm going to talk to them about that very shortly. Still, instead of ignoring the BS they confront her with, she get's upset with me, over and over again.

I feel my ex sometimes calls for attention. She has been calling about nonsense, but lately I've been cutting that out of the equation for a while now. It's just about my daughter, period. My gf, has absolutely no reason to be jealous. I am very loyal in general, and especially loyal to her.

I am in my girlfriend's son's life. I consider myself a positive influence in his life. I like him. He is very smart, and funny for such a young kid. I see myself in him. He reminds me of me when I was a kid.

So here we are. Wow, I can't believe how helpful this forum has been. Thank you for your continued input and advice.

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Originally Posted by anthonee [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Not sure about that one. I want my daughter to respect my gf or wife for who she is as an adult and a mom. I don't want her to think that she doesn't have to do what she says because she's not her real mom, you know..

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Your daughter should show respect and be polite, of course. (I wasn't under the assumption your daughter was a brat, and most kids WANT to please the adults in their lives.) However, your girlfriend ISN'T her mother. Your daughter HAS a mother and a father. That is who should be parenting her... not some new woman who apparently has issues with her existence.

Think of this from your daughter's point of view. Why SHOULD she act like some new woman you have the warmies for is the equivelent of her mother? She didn't pick her. She already has a mommy and a daddy, and she would probably prefer they were married/together. Your girlfriend is the enemy invader who is (in your daughter's mind) destroying her family.

I think your girlfriend should be more concerned about gaining your kid's confidence and less worried about being her boss. If your daughter LIKES your girlfriend, the respects she shows her will be genuine rather than artificial, and she will behave accordingly. Kids are generally eager for approval.

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Originally Posted by anthonee [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

My family continues to talk to her about my Baby Momma drama situation, and never to me, and that in itself frustrates me, but that's another story. I'm going to talk to them about that very shortly. Still, instead of ignoring the BS they confront her with, she get's upset with me, over and over again..

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I don't understand... Does your family have a problem with your girlfriend or your daughter's mother? Because dude, if your family has issues with your girlfriend, you should pay attention. Your family cares about you AND your daughter's best interests, unless there is something wrong with them. Is there something wrong with them? They may be seeing signs you are choosing to overlook or diminish.
You are headed for big trouble.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't understand... Does your family have a problem with your girlfriend or your daughter's mother? Because dude, if your family has issues with your girlfriend, you should pay attention.

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My family has a problem, or problems with my ex. They had problems with her when she was my gf. Now, instead of talking to me about their feelings, they talk to my gf about them, and then she gets sad/frustrated about it, and brings her new issues to my attention.

I didn't tell them (my family) to talk about my past with her. They do it when I'm not around, like if I step out for a little while or something. My family likes my new gf, and think I made the right choice in finding her (finally). They weren't so "open armed" with my ex.

But yes...my local family is crazy. They do have problems. Well, one in particular atleast. The culprit.

I've volunteered to talk to my family about their continued yapping, for a lack of a better word, but my ex doesn't want to repeat what happened with my ex: me protecting the woman I'm with at the expense of family tranquility.