friend's irrational reaction.

to those who have been following i'm currently shagging a friend. regardless of the situation there, my real problem has to do with an outside person.
my best friend was dating some guy 2 years back and she met his best friend and made out with him a bit, nothing more, so cheated on her boyfriend at the time. she then developed a crush on her boyfriends best friend but he didn't want to hook up w/ her. said it wasn't right and they weren't right.
so 2 years later now this is the guy I am shagging. before this happened my best friend was always real pissed off when we'd hang out even on the totally platonic level for the last 3 months. she wouldn't talk to me for a week when she found out we'd gone to the same party. this is all totally irrational especially since she has a boyfriend now, and many since then, and never brought him up in any capacity since their one minute fling. other guys she still fancied she will bring up time to time in a wondering what they're doing sense this guy she couldn't care less about.
therefore, this is solely a possession thing
i haven't told her about the shagging though she knows we are hanging out frequently cos i HATE lying to her.
it's in his and my best interest to keep what we're doing solely to us for sooo many reasons.
i don't want her to hear about it ever though but i don't want to piss her off by telling her she would just not listen to anything.
is this wrong?
anyone had to deal with this before? please help!

I don't know what to say. I can see how your friend could take offence for you going out with an old love interest she previously failed to conquer. I'm of the opinion this will drive a wedge in your relationship with her.

a friend told me we should keep it secret unless we get into a relationship because then we're technically not lying, just not disclosing all of our business. its weird because i want to talk to her about this badly but there's no way we could ever get passed it eonugh for me to confront about advice and what not.

I'm not sure that you should really take advice from an emotionally underdeveloped former cheater who thinks she's got dibs on a guy she never even really dated, so I don't think you need to be confessing this to her.

If you can't tell somebody something, it's either a YOU problem or a HER problem. This is definitely a HER problem, and it's just one of many, it sounds like. Yes, I have dealt with this kind of thing before. I had a friend who used to think she was the boss of everyone and that none of our group of girls could date without her approval. We are no longer friends.

It would be one thing if this were an ex of hers that she never got over, but he isn't. She's being ridiculous.

so should i keep this secret? i don't want to spoil 4 years of friendship... i mean nothing may ever come of this and we might stop who knows. this is sooo new. but i feel guilty about keeping a secret. i don't want to one day hear "i'm mad cos you didn't tell me, not because of what you did" personally i think it's bullshit when people say that, but i dunno... any other ideas. thanks giga!

Well, you could just have it out with her, once and for all. I think the fact that she's created a situation in which you are forced to lie to her is what's actually threatening the friendship, not anything you're doing.

My advice is to be kind & not try to 'rub it in' in the slightest that you succeeded where she 'failed'. Women can be bitchy this way... check your motives & be honest w/yourself. But you don't need to hide who you are dating.

If she still can't understand, I hate to say this, but there are some ppl who can't find it in themselves to be happy for the success of others. If this is so, you'll want to rethink whether you want to be friends w/someone like this.

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Originally Posted by alidile [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

so should i keep this secret? i don't want to spoil 4 years of friendship... i mean nothing may ever come of this and we might stop who knows. this is sooo new. but i feel guilty about keeping a secret. i don't want to one day hear "i'm mad cos you didn't tell me, not because of what you did" personally i think it's bullshit when people say that, but i dunno... any other ideas. thanks giga!

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Since when do friends tell each other who to date?

Friends tell each other all the shitty things about someone they are thinking about dating (if they are in a position to know), with their friend's interest in mind, but that's not at all the same thing.

we're not dating though... not now at least.. we are just friends who screw around a lot and work together.

You're screwing him but not dating? Okay, out of my depth on this one, sorry. To me they are the same thing.

no they can't be, cos he's seeing other people like hooking up w/ others... this is not a monogomous thing at all, and i'm free to do the same and talking to other men as well... if you read another post about figuring out things made my life worse than you will better understand the actual situation. i like a guy i can't have basically...
ooooh and directed at giga and others who read that one. a separate friend of mine told me that even if he diid ever develop an actual interest in me he would never say and i would never say so we would never get out ofthis friend w/ benefit cycle.

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Originally Posted by alidile [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

a separate friend of mine told me that even if he diid ever develop an actual interest in me he would never say and i would never say so we would never get out ofthis friend w/ benefit cycle.

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You goofy kids. I want to knock your thick heads together.

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Originally Posted by alidile [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

a separate friend of mine told me that even if he diid ever develop an actual interest in me he would never say and i would never say so we would never get out ofthis friend w/ benefit cycle.

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Confused. Are you discussing the same guy you're currently screwing? Why would you even consider messing up a friendship for someone like this?

Sounds to me like you're actually wanting to ask how to get out of FWB b/c you might be starting to like this fellow... the short answer is: stop ****ing him.

see there's these mind games attached if i stop the shagging now other than the fact that i like him would become much more obvious that i couldn't deal with being friends who screw around.
i'd like to know what's in this guy's head. i think he wants to have his cake and eat it too... but i want that also. argh. i can't make him tell me what he's really thinking and if i tried to that would scare him off that the friendship would be ruined regardless.

yes indie, i'm discussing the same guy i'm currently shagging.

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Originally Posted by alidile [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

i'd like to know what's in this guy's head. i think he wants to have his cake and eat it too... but i want that also. argh. i can't make him tell me what he's really thinking and if i tried to that would scare him off that the friendship would be ruined regardless.

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Call me old fashioned, but if you want an actual relationship w/this guy, you need to get him to take you seriously. Right now, I'm not sensing that. Its just fun & sex. Nothing wrong w/that if you're both satisfied, but are you?

What's wrong w/telling him you're getting attached and therefore need to step back from the physical part of your relationship? Unless he's a jerk, which you need to know anyway, seems to me the reasonable path to take.

I'm probably not the best person to give advice on this, tho. The whole order of things seems completely arse backwards to my way of doing things. Sorry if this doesn't help much.

oh my stars! that's so out of the question. in a perfect world i would be able to do that but i really do value the friendship we've built in the last few months and that would crumble if i was just that honest about the matter. i would rather we just tire of the sex i think.
how do you GET someone to take you seriously. it's not like we don't have real conversations.... just about that. i think not.
i've even considered trying the jealous approach though that's NEVER been my thing and kinda disgusts me to think about. :S i don't like girls who do that kinda stuff or guys for that matter. usually i just say and get what i want, literally. this is something i don't like at all. if i could GET him then i would've, trust me... it's like dealing with a somewhat "equal" i'm usually the one who spends time blowing people off, i don't feel good about it, but if someone's not right for me i'm not gonna stick around and let them get more attatched.
maybe this is almost like some kind of effed up punishment for me.

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Originally Posted by alidile [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

but i really do value the friendship we've built in the last few months and that would crumble if i was just that honest about the matter

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Hmm. I think we have differing ideas about friendship. I wouldn't call someone I was screwing but not able to be honest about what I was thinking (or feeling) a 'friend'. A **** buddy, maybe, but not a friend.

Anyway, it seems to be working for you & you don't seem too emotionally attached to this fellow, so I'm sure it will all sort itself out in due time. In this case, if your friend is at all upset that you are with this guy, I would just shrug it off for the simple lay he is to you. No big deal, right?

i guess we just have different ideas. i find there's often one thing you keep from a friend... my best friends i tell everything regardless of the case and that's why i feel bad about not telling my best friend this. and this guy and i talk extremely openly, this is the only thing we aren't addressing. we've only been shagging for a week though, i'm sure with time things will sort themselves out?

Probably, but I agree with the previous posters anyway. You shouldn't decide your issues according to your friends. You ain't doing anything illegal, as I see it.

FWBs are a bad idea. They never work out well. I doubt this arrangement will progress to anything meaningful. He won't be able to take you seriously because this relationship was not built on a serious foundation.

It is one thing to risk a friendship over a guy you actually have a relationship with and mutually care for. It is quite another to risk a friendship over a f*ck buddy. I think you should stop sleeping with this guy and hope your girl friend doesn't find out about it.