Several Relationship Problems.

Hey guys, this will be my first post on this site...I'm in desperate need of some help..

I'm dating my gf for 2.5 years and we still have some of the same issues, and some of these issues are becoming deal breakers for me at this point. I can't keep going on like this...so I need some advice/opinions..maybe it's me who is wrong.

Problem 1:
She wants to know EVERYTHING - If I meet a new female, or simply just converse with one, even if it's for a second..she wants me to tell her...

Scenario 1: I work retail, so the girl next door to us brings us cookies because she's friends with one of my co-workers..not me. I told my gf and my friend how good the cookies were and she was like "how come you never told me about this girl? Do you talk to her often? --- Even my friend was like "what's up with the interrogation"

I feel like this is ridiculous...some things aren't worth mentioning..people aren't supposed to REPORT everything to their partner...if it's IMPORTANT, I'd mention it, but I feel if it's not important..then who cares because it's not even on my mind.

Scenario 2: I added a classmate of mine on facebook because I had to ask her a question about a report. My gf starts her question spree, asking why I never told her about this girl, and that if I talk to her how come I didn't tell her. Again, I think this is ridiculous, even more so because I really don't talk to this girl.


I have female friends, well hardly - I have a female friend, who has been one of my best friends since I'm 14, I'm now 22. My gf doesn't want her over my house if she's not there. I hardly hangout with this girl, let alone see her, but I honestly don't get why I can't have a best friend over my house..I live with my parents, so it's my bedroom, but still..if you say you trust me, what's the big deal.


Lack of Privacy - she goes through my texts, even though I have nothing to hide, but I feel..it's MINE, don't go through it...none of your business. I also hate that if i'm on my computer and she's watching tv, second I go on AIM, or email..she makes her way over to the comp to look..and she starts asking me questions. It's honestly suffocating..am I wrong?

I really hope you guys were able to make it through my complaint/rant...hope I get some feedback. Thanks guys!

no you are not wrong. she is the one that has the problem..and its unlikely to go away anytime soon. she needs to know that you are trustworthy and that you need your own privacy. i can only imagine how suffocated you must feel. her own insecurities are likely to have come from a previous relationship or experience..but by no means should you put up with it. let her know that this behaviour is not acceptable and that she should learn to trust you..because without trust (no matter how much she says she trusts you)..there can be no relationship. dont stop socialising with your female friends on her account..she needs to learn to mind her own business.

how about her? does she talk to other guys...im sure she does..and you probably dont feel threatened by it because you trust her. let her know that if you are respecting her privacy and rights..she should do the same.

wow, the problems aren't going to cease cos it's a problem that she's having. you can't change that so unless she is willing to make a change if you've addressed it already then you need to end it because it's just going to get worse. those people give peopel such a bad reputation.

She doesn't really have male "friends"...she avoids them because they end up liking her. She talks to guys who she works with, or some classmates, that's about it..and to be honest, I don't care..it's healthy.


Like..she's really pissed I had an old good female friend in my room tonight..we were just talking. I live with my parents..where else am I supposed to go lol.

It doesn't sound like she trusts you for some reason. Maybe she has insecurity or trust issues or maybe you are not a trustworhthy person. Anyway, whats happening in your relationship is not healthy. You need to have a talk with her about that. Put all cards on the table and find out why she doesn't trust you this much. Is it just you or she doesn't trust other people as well? What's motivating her behaviour? Why doesn't she trust you?

She literally told me a few minutes ago that she trust me and knows I wouldn't do anything to betray her...it's more of she feels is RIGHT and WRONG..

Sorry to double post...but...reporting every social detail of my life seems quite stupid and unhealthy...makes me feel like I have no SELF BEING anymore..am I right..or should it be fine to tell her every social detail of my life...regarding females.

If I got hit on, I'd tell her if she wants to know..I don't care...but...a "hey how are you" kinda convo...waste of time to tell her and I just feel it's pointless.

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Originally Posted by Aficionado [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She literally told me a few minutes ago that she trust me and knows I wouldn't do anything to betray her...

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Yeh, but she doesn't

If she did trust you she wouldn't be going through your texts and emails. She wouldn't be lecturing you for trivial inconsequantial details and she wouldn't be looking over your shoulder.

Het words, don't match her behaviour. She doesn't want to admit it, but she doesn't trust you (For some reason).

That's how I feel....I think she's in denial about not trusting me.

Talk to her and find out why she doesn't.

Tell her, you do this, this and that which screams out your lack of trust for me. What did I do for you not to trust me and what can we do change this for the better. How can I get your trust back?

(Only in nicer words ofcourse)


P.S. Has she always been like this?

Yea..I have a temper problem..finding the nice words at times are rough haha

Here's the confusing part..she doesnt want my female friends in my room, but I can go out to eat with them or get a drink.

That kinda tosses the lack of trust out the window.

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Originally Posted by Aficionado [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Here's the confusing part..she doesnt want my female friends in my room, but I can go out to eat with them or get a drink.

That kinda tosses the lack of trust out the window.

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It does, but I kinda understand why a girl wouldn't want you to have a female friend in your parent's place bedroom, seating on your bed. Even though nothing's going to happen, it just doesnt look good. If I were you I wouldn't be doing it just for that. Plus, you don't want to accelerate her mistrusting behaviour. You don't want to put fuel on the fire.

You want to find out what makes her not trust you and find out how you can change that (Even if it means changing some of your behaviour).

OK..so let's say I agree to the no bedroom rule...the larger problem is her invasiveness...her feeling the need to know EVERYTHING. She is known to ask lots of questions, to everybody, but her questions effect me, considering her questions are much more detailed towards me, and demanding.

I need her to understand that if it's not important, there's no need for me to mention it..or if it's just nothing worth mentioning.

Yeh, you'll need to talk to her about that.

Thouh maybe not in a way that you shouldn't be putting up with this. But more in a way that there's a problem (A trust issue) and how can you two working together solve it.

I did..she was like "if you have nothing to hide, you should be ok telling me"...

Gahh lol

You should talk to her about it and make her see sense somehow. I mean for example take this girl she doesn't like you seeing, you've known her for 8 years vs. the 2.5 eyars you've been with your her. If anything was going to happen it proabably would have done way before your she arrived on he scene. You gotta make it clear to her that you are just friends, you have been for a long time and you can't just start ditching you friends on her say so. As much as you need her as a partner you also need your friends and they deserve as much respect and loyalty from you as she does. Especially the ones that you have known for so long.

Maybe there is a reason behind this mistrust, has someone in the past cheated on her with one of his friends that he kept telling her was just a friend, perhaps something like that could explain it.

You should get down to the bottom of it, telling her just not to do it anymore may just coer up the problem coz everytime you do speak to another girl she will be wondering and wanting to know what is going on. You need to find out what is driving it and the best way to do that is sit her down and talk to her about it face to face in a nice calm manner and try not to lose your temper. Don't let her tell you stuff like if youve got nothing to hide you should tell me coz thats just her easy way out.

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Originally Posted by Aficionado [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I did..she was like "if you have nothing to hide, you should be ok telling me"...

Gahh lol

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Oh yeah she trusts you. It's just that seeing with her own eyes that nothing is going on makes her feel safe & happy.

So you already know what everyone's gonna tell you... i.e. make it clear to her that you will not allow her going thru your stuff blablabla

But besides that... are her other qualities (i.e. is she steamin' hot?) exceptional enough to make you stay with her and endure such maniacal behaviour? Coz otherwise you would've been gone long ago. 'Nless you're actually enjoying the attention.

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Originally Posted by celestina [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh yeah she trusts you. It's just that seeing with her own eyes that nothing is going on makes her feel safe & happy.

So you already know what everyone's gonna tell you... i.e. make it clear to her that you will not allow her going thru your stuff blablabla

But besides that... are her other qualities (i.e. is she steamin' hot?) exceptional enough to make you stay with her and endure such maniacal behaviour? Coz otherwise you would've been gone long ago. 'Nless you're actually enjoying the attention.

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Well she looks like a Maxim Model, and she has a great heart and other great qualities. And she does trust me, she just feels UNCOMFORTABLE with a female in my room. I donno..I guess a lot of girls would feel uncomfortable if their bf had a female friend in their room without them there.

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Originally Posted by Aficionado [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

That's how I feel....I think she's in denial about not trusting me.

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Not denial, she isn't being truthful. I think she knows exactly what she is doing.

You are completely correct to request & expect privacy. Listen to the fact you feel uncomfortable. And don't let her tell you this is an issue of 'right/wrong'. Its not. Its about respecting personal boundaries & her crossing yours, which, btw is completely 'wrong'.

If you have given her no reason to doubt your trustworthiness, then her lack of trust is her problem. If you want to help her, set your boundaries firm so she can learn how to give trust. Its up to her to decide to give you this.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Not denial, she isn't being truthful. I think she knows exactly what she is doing.

You are completely correct to request & expect privacy. Listen to the fact you feel uncomfortable. And don't let her tell you this is an issue of 'right/wrong'. Its not. Its about respecting personal boundaries & her crossing yours, which, btw is completely 'wrong'.

If you have given her no reason to doubt your trustworthiness, then her lack of trust is her problem. If you want to help her, set your boundaries firm so she can learn how to give trust. Its up to her to decide to give you this.

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Privacy in the respect of her looking at my text or privacy that I shouldn't have to tell her what goes on in my life when she's not around?

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Originally Posted by Aficionado [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I did..she was like "if you have nothing to hide, you should be ok telling me"...

Gahh lol

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To which you can say "You have nothing to hide, which is why you don't understand why she doesn't trust you? Why does she need to invade your emails, texts and messages?"

This is obviously not a matter of a couple of one liners. This is something you need to seat her ass down somewhere where she can't move (I don't know, maybe a restaurant) and have a heart to heart, one on one conversation.

She's making no sense..she tells me she's just super curious and likes to know everything..and that it comforts her, but if she needs comforting, isn't that a sign of lack of trust. So I told her this and she got mad that I said she didn't trust me because she says she really does trust me...wtf?

Somehow, you need to let your GF know that she is your 'One & Only Woman' but that doesn't imply ownership. On her part or yours. You are entitled to your friends. If she tries to pull you away from them, I would view this as a big red flag.

On the other hand, if your friend is truly a good one, she should understand (esp since she is female) that this may be an issue & you may need to tone down your interactions for your lady's comfort. I'm NOT saying dump your friend, but true opposite-sex friendships should be sensitive to these issues. Maybe you should talk to your friend about this also (don't tell your GF!) & see what she thinks.

Not even about that ONE friend..in general, my gf wants me to tell her when I interact with females..not that I walk around randomly start talking ot girls, but I am a student..so if a BS convo pops up because i'm sitting next to one, I find it silly for me to have to tell her I had a BS convo with some girl.

She must be at that stage where she's wondering if your relationship is going to be a more permanent one. This is making her insecure and maybe testing your loyality. Stupid way to go about it. Ewww for you. Well, all I can say is most women (but not all by any means) grow out of this after several years together. She will stop caring so much who you talk to & when, lol.

However, seriously now. If you haven't thought of this yet, you should take this as a strong sign of her inability to think about YOUR needs. Its all about her & what she wants right now isn't it? Her hurt feelings, her issues, her fear. Who's thinking about your hurt & your right to privacy right now. Think very hard about this.

I am thinking hard, very hard...that's why I actually signed up to a site like this, for help lol.

I do love her very much and she is an amazing person, but I feel she's more "my way is the right way" kind of person and that's not how it works. I'm considering a relationship councilor. Maybe if she hears a professional say it to her face that she is wrong, it may do something, since I'm pretty positive I'm not the one being wrong about this.

And if the Dr. tells her that she has to choose, whether to ease up or break it off, then she'll have to make the decision. I'd rather that than me have to choose because I'm trying too hard right now.

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Originally Posted by Aficionado [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She's making no sense..she tells me she's just super curious and likes to know everything..and that it comforts her, but if she needs comforting, isn't that a sign of lack of trust. So I told her this and she got mad that I said she didn't trust me because she says she really does trust me...wtf?

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If she really does trust you like she says she does, you can ask her to prove it to you, by not going through your email, texts and messages. See what she says to that. If she agrees and still continues with her behaviour, highlight that she is failing in her proof.

Wow, she is paranoid about your life. You should tell her to relax. I don't understand behavior like that...she is probably going to lose you because of it ...ironically she thinks she is preventing that by making sure you don't do anything "bad".

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Originally Posted by Only-virgins [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Wow, she is paranoid about your life. You should tell her to relax. I don't understand behavior like that...she is probably going to lose you because of it ...ironically she thinks she is preventing that by making sure you don't do anything "bad".

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LOL, I told her that exact thing.

Now remember how she doesnt want my female friend in my bedroom, now she just doesn't want her over my house. She comes over because I'm a personal trainer, so I train her..and I even charge her, but sometimes after she wants to just hangout for a bit, and now my gf is bitching about that.

If my girlfriend had a guy hanging out in her room, I think I'd have trust issues as well. I agree with your girlfriend that it's a matter of right and wrong. I also agree with you that your personal boundaries are being violated.

So you have a problem. Telling you girlfriend to "shape up" is not going to be beneficial. You need to come to some agreement with her on these issues. Being demanding isn't going to make the issue disappear. Work with her if you want to continue the relationship. Invite her to work with you so that you can both find a comfortable place in which to continue. She needs to feel safe. Is that something you can do for her? Is it important to you?

It sounds like you're both young adults finding your way through all this, maybe for the first time. Decide how serious you want to be with her. What do you see in your future?

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Originally Posted by Aficionado [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

And if the Dr. tells her that she has to choose, whether to ease up or break it off, then she'll have to make the decision. I'd rather that than me have to choose because I'm trying too hard right now.

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You don't need a doctor to do this. The reason your girlfriend is bullying and harassing you is because you have not set boundaries, and it looks like the idea of setting boundaries is so difficult for you, you are actually willing to *pay* someone else to do it. No wonder she is taking charge.

I think you need to learn to be more assertive. Appropriate boundary setting may save your relationship. At the rate you are going now, you are going to wait until your anger and resentment builds to the point of no return, and there will be no way your problem can be repaired.

PS - keep the girls out of your room. Her anxiety about that is justifiable.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You don't need a doctor to do this. The reason your girlfriend is bullying and harassing you is because you have not set boundaries, and it looks like the idea of setting boundaries is so difficult for you, you are actually willing to *pay* someone else to do it. No wonder she is taking charge.

I think you need to learn to be more assertive. Appropriate boundary setting may save your relationship. At the rate you are going now, you are going to wait until your anger and resentment builds to the point of no return, and there will be no way your problem can be repaired.

PS - keep the girls out of your room. Her anxiety about that is justifiable.

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I agree...as far as the privacy issue, that is resolved. Now we're dealing with my friends. I have 2 super old friends...so if they come over, why can't we talk in my kitchen or something? My gf was like "we can make a time and date and we can all hang out together". I don't need my gf to speak to my other friends, even though we will all hangout as well, but sometimes, who cares..I just wanna talk and hangout for a bit.

How often are you hanging out with the old friends? BTW - these are FEMALE friends, right? Do they have boyfriends?

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Originally Posted by Aficionado [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

...but sometimes, who cares..I just wanna...

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Could this be the crux of the problem? If you're not real concerned about your girlfriend's feelings or serious about your relationship (and I'm not suggesting you should be), then do what you want. She'll just have to get over it.

It's 2 old female friends, one of which comes to my house 3x a week because I personal train her and it's very professional. I even charge her. But after, if we wanna talk a bit, I don't see the harm. They both have bfs.

I'm very serious about the relationship, but I still deserve freedom to hangout with friends, regardless of gender. I've never cheated or done anything to wrong her, and by this point in our relationship, she shouldn't feel uncomfortable when I'm with a friend.

Would like to thank you guys..your input has helped and this problem has been resolved :D

Did you break up?

No..I stood my ground...told her that her ways were not normal, and I was unhappy with it and refuse to stay unhappy and act like a machine to fulfill your insecurities, so it's either going to change now or I leave.

But let me ask you something...my gf, like an idiot, when we were dating a while ago told me about her past...not that I asked..and every now and then she slips details about it because she doesn't think before she talks. And it really really gets to me..I have a hard time getting over it.

I don't know how to get over her past. It's a lot for me to handle and really affects me at times.

well put urself in her shoes. would u feel comfortable if one of her guy friends went to her house and into her room etc..
i noe i wouldn't if my gf done that.
and about her going thru ur msg's and stuff thats ****ed. probably need to sit her down and talk to her about it cos she sounds lyk shes got trust issues. maybe it was a past relationship or something. but it sounds lyk u love the attention huh?

Most people that are insecure and don't trust a partner in a relationship is simply because they do not trust themselves or had a past experience where they broke a partner's trust.
it's chaotic when you are in this kind of relationship because it will only get worse if you guys are not strong enough.
if you really like her and would go the distance to try to work this out than you should try to talk things out with her.
if you do not like her as much and think you can live life without her. then give her two options "never invade my privacy and accuse me or the relationships over.". if you do not see any future with this girl and you think you can get over her then you should end it with her because it's only suffocating you and hurting her.