this is around what i'm going to say. i had to write it all out. i think i am missing a bunch and i don't think it's too coherent either. but i'm not actually giving this to him. it's more what i'm gonna say. any suggestions? for those who read it, they will see i don't actually really say i'd like to date him. i'm figuring that halfway through my speech he'll kiss me clark gable style but i know that's bs:
i kinda have a story to tell you.
i don't like people at all. i was in love once and once only. that's a long story though. after a string of silly stuff and some after that didn't make up for anything. anyways, so i promised myself after the last random encounter i had with some guy that i was not going to have anymore meaningless sex. that i would stay abstinent if need be. actually, i decided i'd rather just not get laid ever again then have to deal with another person. anyways, a serious of events, not just to do with some intimate situation, have helped to mold me into the as you would like to say "mean" person i am today. and i can be honest with the fact that yes, i'm not a nice person on the outside.
anyways, the truth is though, i like to f*ck. i'm not promiscuous at all but i like to, and i couldn't stop myself from getting it on with you just because, i was really horny. and you're not the only friend with benefits i've ever had, i've done it before and it's gone swimmingly, i couldn't care less about the entire situation. and now i'm peturbed. i don't have the slightest clue why and it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but i think i might have the slightest crush on you. and you know what, i could absolutely brush that aside and be all cold and callous and continue with things the way they are but i think it was going to bother me if i didn't say anything. i tried to figure out why... maybe it's because you've surprised me. you know i couldn't care less about you originally. i just thought you were some spoiled, stupid, pretty boy.
and yes, i think you've figured that, i was slightly hurt when you said that i was a mean person. cynical, negative. i mean you don't know me and i haven't let you get to know me at all, i've actually gone out of my way to make sure of that. i can't help it but i am a bit more disgruntled with you then i would like to be. i have a serious defense mechanism issue. i don't want people to get in at all and considering the situation that's okay. but i was still very upset by that for some reason, i mean not to the point of tears or anything like that whatsoever, but i did feel that.
i used to not care about anything in life but getting through and then i met someone and all of a sudden they had me thinking thoughts like moving in together, actually that one was more than just a thought, and who knows what else... all those things i never wanted before like marriage and children... not anytime soon but anyways, that went sour and now i just don't want those things anymore? i don't want anyone that close to me because really, i have a lot to give and people f*ck with that so entirely.
basically. what the f*ck do you want. i think i might know what i want, and it's not so severe, trust me.
because everything was cool but i think you're being so sketchy. so tell me if i should just keep this as a strictly f*ck and friendship thing in my head so i can withdraw otherwise and save myself the thinking, i can do that quite easily but i need some indication. trust me i'm fine with still going for the lay, but come on buddy.
