Male Ego and Insecurity

Guys, I have a question: just how far will a guys insecurity drive him in a bad direction? Can I really trust a guy who seems to need an ego boost from flirting with others?

The situation: my attention-whore boyfriend flirted a lot with the sister of a friend at my Christmas party, to the point where my friend called the next day to apologize for her sister, who was drunk.

I don't think he would actually go so far as to cheat on me, but is this something I should be worried about? This kind of thing has happened more than once.

Red flag or no big deal?

a red flag and something that should be brought up.

that would piss me off. and, depending on what time of the month it was, i would become homicidal.

if he wants to flirt or talk to girls when you're not around, that's cool, you know assuming he's not going to cheat and just likes extra attention. but when you're around giga, he should be on you like white on rice.

if he's on some other girl like white on rice, there's a problem.

do you need me to go over there and slap him?

Pears would tell me to smack him in the balls.

have you brought this up to him?

Not since the blowout about him flirting with the waitress during the $400 dinner I bought him for his birthday.

I did mention that M. had called and asked if I was pissed at her sister, and why, just to let him know I'm not the only one who notices this shit.

I don't know if it's a red flag or not, but it definitely seems like a dick thing to do

no way girl.

no freakin way.

you're gonna have to straighten that out. and don't back down. having your boyfriend flirt with other girls at every ****ing party or dinner you go to together sucks a big donkey ball.

you could get some revenge and whenever you go out somewhere, start flirting with the waiter or some stranger. see how he feels about that.

you're gonna have to conjure up the hispanic in you chica. you can do it.

You should come up here and pay him some attention, then shut him the **** down when he starts crossing the line.

Then I'll smack him in the balls.

Giga,

I often see men who are naturally flirtatious. Whether they grew up and had successes by being "charming" or teasing and were conditioned to that end or whether it comes from some insecurity, I've no clue.

What I do know is that what is and is not acceptable in your relationship is something you and your boyfriend have to establish. Checks and balances exist to ensure one of you doesn't have your feelings run into the ground.

If he's dating you, Giga, I have a feeling he'd at least be open to discussing it.

~Sphinx

i've had horrible experiences with flirtacious boyfriends.

one time my friends boyfriend laid on top of me and tried to freakin molest me at this party. i told my friend about it and, well let's just say the squeaky wheel always gets the grease. and i got extra greasy.

anyway giga. no way.

you do not deserve that.

The worst part of it is that it causes me to lose respect for him, and I think that's damaging to my relationship. I don't understand why he would need so much ego boosting, and it makes me wonder if he's lacking in some way I have yet to notice.

Needing a boost looks like insecurity to me, and that says he lacks confidence. Unattractive.

that's all true. but getting that boost right in front of your face is a shit bag thing to do.

Does this make me a jealous control freak?

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Red flag or no big deal?

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You know, I spend so much time analyzing other women, guys seem like a book at this point.. he's so see-through it's not even funny.. but there's good news, there's no need to be worried..

Cues: Insecurity+Need for attention(from women)+Need for validation(from women).

First of all, this suggests that he hasn't had much success with women, and I don't mean this in a bad way, but you are probably the best thing that's ever happened to him, and he is clinging on for dear life. The manner in which he's doing that however is by trying to create drama & jealousy in you. Why?

Well, because of his insecurity. Remember, this supports the notion that he has not had much success with other women, and that he feels you are the best thing that's ever happened to him, AND that he has no idea why someone like you would still be with someone like him. This constantly pokes wounds at his insecurity and to heal those wounds he seeks out validation/attention from women and the need to make you jealous so you can also give him attention and validation.

It's really not something that's his fault, this is really the result of YEARS of his own life experience and is largely subconcious at this point. All of this adds up to a deep underlying fear that if you leave him, he probably, and most likely won't find anyone else; AND that you are perhaps a very high-quality woman, so he's a bit in awe as to why you're still with him, so this only motivates him to constantly be doing this.

Lastly, remember, he's never had much success with women, I think it all adds up and it's pretty evident, so now that he has you, women obviously have their guard down and are more open to talking with him, and even being a little playful with him, because they feel secure knowing that he has you and that he's not hitting on them. From his point of view, this is exactly the type of attention and validation from women that he never even dreamed of getting, he probably never got this kind of interaction with women his entire life, so this is his shattered mini-me male ego at an ego-thanksgiving party, and it's pigging out.

In short, I think if you were to both go to a psychologist or a couples' therapist, etc.. they would eventually tell him to be respectful of your feelings and try to think about "how would what i'm about to do/say make HER feel?" before he does/says anything.. on your end, they would probably tell you to just give him intermmitant bits of reassurance, validation, and constant attention.. notice how the reassurance and validation is not constant! It gains credibility and is more effective when it is intermmitant (is it more powerful if he calls you beautiful every day, or once during the week at a high-point?)

Important: This doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, so I actually have a little sympathy for him, try to cut him some slack, despite what he's been doing, which is hurtful and unacceptable. In fact, he loves you so much it's hurting him, because his deep insecurities with himself as a man, and your level of quality as a woman, make him constantly have this fear of him losing you, which would mean the best thing from his life would have walked away, AND that he may actually never find someone else, ever, if you leave him. So he's not doing this because he hates you, it's actually a combination of the strong love he feels for you, and the fear caused by his insecurity.

I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend insist that he act differently before. I've been quite shocked at the amount of training he's needed; the guy is 37 and has had many girlfriends. What were those slacking bitches doing, anyway? Their job was to be teaching him not to pull this crap.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend insist that he act differently before. I've been quite shocked at the amount of training he's needed; the guy is 37 and has had many girlfriends. What were those slacking bitches doing, anyway? Their job was to be teaching him not to pull this crap.

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Are you sure about that? What evidence do you have?

Remember, he's insecure! He could easily act & lie about having MANY other girlfriends, and about the quality of these women.

It's obviously clear to me, (I don't know how clear it is to you), that there's NO WAY he could have had "MANY OTHER GIRLFRIENDS", unless they were all of the "whatever I can get" quality-of-woman category..

Nah, I've known him since 1994, Grk. He's actually got a lot going for himself, and could fill a stadium with the "whatever I can get" variety. He's never felt that anyone loved him like I do, though, and that's the real difference.

Do you know what you plan on doing about this yet Giga (any rough ideas)?

You might want to give us the limits of actions you are willing to take so people can give you better advice

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Nah, I've known him since 1994, Grk. He's actually got a lot going for himself, and could fill a stadium with the "whatever I can get" variety. He's never felt that anyone loved him like I do, though, and that's the real difference.

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Lack of validation and attention alone, would only cause him to be seeking YOUR attention and validation.. there's a large degree of insecurity involved here, no question about it.. and THAT'S what's causing him to seek your validation and attention through other women, and test (subconciously) to see how you will react (more validation & attention)

As you see, it's a self-feeding cycle.. because he actually craves validation & attention, he will both continue to talk to other women in that manner, AND he will actually WANT to see that positive reaction from you where you get jealous, flip out, drama, etc, and give him attention & validation.. The more he does it, the more he'll keep doing it.. Because the cycle constantly rewards his need for attention and validation from begining to end..

I don't know what to tell you; I mean, you should sit him down and have a constructive conversation; and as much as this blows, the best thing to do is actually go to an unbiased third-party and have them understand what is wrong and tell you both what to do.. (ie. couple's therapist).. but that's what's going on.. no question about it.

Forget your "feelings" for a second, and try and understand the logic behind this behavior of his.. when you deduce all the facts, they lead down this same road..

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Originally Posted by DoesntMatter [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Do you know what you plan on doing about this yet Giga (any rough ideas)?

You might want to give us the limits of actions you are willing to take so people can give you better advice

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I was thinking about smacking him in the balls.

Seriously, I was hoping that mentioning the fact that my friend noticed and called up about it would make him realize he's acting like an ass.

I was also thinking about renting movies with characters with similar traits and pointing out how pathetic and unattractive they are. Any recommendations?

If all else fails, I may have to get a male friend to tell him something. He clearly didn't quite hear it from me when I had it out with him back in October about the issue.

It seemed to really bother him that my boss called him an "amateur" when he pulled a similar move a while back. Maybe I should ask my boss what he thinks of the flirting thing, and report back to my bf about it.

Or maybe he can just read this thread.

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Originally Posted by GrkScorp [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Lack of validation and attention alone, would only cause him to be seeking YOUR attention and validation.. there's a large degree of insecurity involved here, no question about it.. and THAT'S what's causing him to seek your validation and attention through other women, and test (subconciously) to see how you will react (more validation & attention)

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This is why I didn't freak out about it. I want to make him feel like he's embarrassing himself in front of my friends, not making me jealous.

I'm just throwing this out there as food for thought, but maybe the BIGGER ego boost he is having is not from his flirting with other women, but the fact that attention from other women is clearly making you jealous? If this is what is going on the motivation is still jealousy I suppose, but it seems like he might be enjoying your show of neediness.

I'm guessing you aren't doing a very good job of hiding your own insecurities of his flirting with other women, so surely he isn't so dense that he hasn't caught on

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Originally Posted by DoesntMatter [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm just throwing this out there as food for thought, but maybe the BIGGER ego boost he is having is not from his flirting with other women, but the fact that attention from other women is clearly making you jealous? If this is what is going on the motivation is still jealousy I suppose, but it seems like he might be enjoying your show of neediness.

I'm guessing you aren't doing a very good job of hiding your own insecurities of his flirting with other women, so surely he isn't so dense that he hasn't caught on

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Well then what do I do about this?

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I was thinking about smacking him in the balls.

Seriously, I was hoping that mentioning the fact that my friend noticed and called up about it would make him realize he's acting like an ass.

I was also thinking about renting movies with characters with similar traits and pointing out how pathetic and unattractive they are. Any recommendations?

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I wouldn't smack his balls, he would probably like that (I would)

If you want your boyfriend to find out that your friend felt this way, letting him know through you would weaken the potential. It would be MUCH better if you let your friend drop it in during conversation sometine (YOU don't bring it up)

Guys don't like it when women are so indirect like that (the movie thing). I wouldn't go that route, I think it's too indirect / weak

Honestly, I love flirting. Oh boy do I love flirting...

But personally I wouldn't take it too far If i was with someone very dear to me. And honestly I've never been with someone I've cared deeply about, so that's a situation I'll have to handle when it comes to it... chances are, knowing me, I wouldn't need to flirt and perhaps loose my interest in it.

Goddamn it -.-

i agree with dm. you need to tell him straight up that if he keeps on doing that there will be consequences. and they all involve slapping and balls.

I was wonderin' how yer relationship was goin'...how long yous been at it, now?

Giga - he is too old to be pulling this crap. I vote in favor of smacking him in the balls after all your girlfriends first point at him and laugh at how needy he is. In fact, maybe you can just come home and yell at him about how all your friends are feeling sorry for you because of his behavior, and how you hate being the object of pity.

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Originally Posted by Frasbee [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I was wonderin' how yer relationship was goin'...how long yous been at it, now?

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About a year and a half, now.

Hard to say how things are going. They look pretty good on the surface, but there's that churning shit underneath, you know?

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

They look pretty good on the surface, but there's that churning shit underneath, you know?

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Won't take long for the surface to cave if the foundation is hollow.

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Originally Posted by Frasbee [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Won't take long for the surface to cave if the foundation is hollow.

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Well thanks, sunshine.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well thanks, sunshine.

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Hooray for disgruntled-ness!

::sigh::

I could go for a cheesesteak...c'mon Giga, I'm buyin'.

Right on. I just changed out the faucet on my kitchen sink, so I'm feeling almost manly. I could go for a cheesesteak.

Stop making excuses for him, Giga. His flirting with others (esp to the extent that it is apologized for) is insulting to you. And yes, its a slippery slope that could easily lead to cheating, sorry, but cheating is all about willingness AND opportunity, which he is creating w/this flirting. I agree w/Vash, he's too old to behave this way.

I can only think of two solutions for this, however. Tell him all this and insist he stops b/c its offensive to you or start to flirt shamelessly with other men yourself. Sauce for the goose... etc.

bottom line, if this is a constant problem, then i would definitely bring it up.

being that you already brought it up with him, and he only thinks about this after you mention something, i would cut off his balls or you should stop giving him bj's just to remind him.

i'm always up for a good blow if you ever feel the need to tingle on tongue on some sausage though.

raverboy

Was zur Hölle??

I thought this thing was going great... guess not... anyway I think Indie has summed up what you should do. Let me know how it goes!

Eh, it's pretty close to great. He still gets a good report card in the boyfriend department, but he's not perfect.

I think it's fixable. I just have to find some way to show him that flirting makes him seem insecure and needy rather than charming.

I think Vashti's idea of telling him that my friends are sorry for me might be just the ticket. He prides himself on being the best boyfriend of the bunch, and if I tell him they think he's failing, maybe he'll have an epiphany.

Don't you think I'd lose my position as She Who Does No Wrong if I were to flirt shamelessly with other men? Wouldn't he take that as a sign that it's acceptable to me?

Ofcourse you would. That would be very hypocritical of you. Don't do that. I think you should confront him instead. Using the friend apologizing as your backup is just perfect for that.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Red flag or no big deal?

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I think it's both

Yeh

Red flag because I don't think you will be able to change that part of him. Whatever part of his personality drives him to do this it seems pretty hard wired into him and to change that you would have to rearange him on a sub-molecular level (I'm not quite sure if you are ready to do that).

Not a big deal because since niether you nor himself will be able to change that part of him, you will only aggravate him by bringing this up so you will have to somehow disregard this all together. Maybe by telling yourself that it's not a big deal.

Why do I say this? Because I had something very similar happen. One of my exs kept on telling me that I pay too much attention to other women (She was the only one who ever said that) when I thought attention I give to other women is nothing out of the ordinary (I think Caliboy probably thinks that way as well). She became a security sentry guarding the direction of my eyeballs. Everytime my eyeball moved into the vicinity of another female, dozens of alarms and sirens would go off and security gates would go down on me faster than the speed of thought. As punishment I would be subjected to a penal labour of brutal nagging. I know your situation is not that bad and I think Caliboy is probably worse than I am in that regard, but remembering how I felt when I was nagged, how the senses beyond my control were consistenly and mercilessly assualted I can come up with a conclusion that trying to change that part of him will not end well.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think Vashti's idea of telling him that my friends are sorry for me might be just the ticket. He prides himself on being the best boyfriend of the bunch, and if I tell him they think he's failing, maybe he'll have an epiphany.

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Why are you being such a coward about this? Who gives a crap what your friends think? Ultimately, its you who has to live with him. If you find his behaviour insulting, you should tell him so. Clearly; and for your reasons, not anyone else's. The 'well, everyone else thinks you're an ass too' just means (to him) that you have discussed this with everyone but him. Its not an open way to go about solving issues. In fact, in its own way (to lots of men especially who wouldn't dream of mentioning this to someone other than their partner), it is just as insulting to him as what he is doing to you.

FWIW

Well, to be perfectly clear about what I said, I said she should tell him that her friends contacted HER to discuss this (which they did).