New relationship... first fight? I want sex, he doesnt?!

So I am in a very new relationship.. and when I mean very new I mean that we have been dating since the end of December, and when I say dating I mean we have been hanging out and having sex but very recently, like 2 weeks ago we decided to make US official. Ever since we started hanging out in December, we have spent almost ALL of our time together. He says this is the happiest he has been in 5 years, and he always texts/calls and asks me to hang out with him...

Before we even got together, he told me (drunkenly) that he was "falling in love with me". Which he said again on a few occasions, also somewhat intoxicated. Which I never said back, I would always say things like "you're great" or "i adore you" but I dont want to lie and say I love him. But I really really do like him.

So here is my dilemma.. usually we have sex every time we see each other but recently I have noticed that he may not stay hard the entire time during sex or if I am giving him head. It is not always but seems to be getting more frequent, which bothers me because I feel like I am not turning him on.

After a few day haitus (that time of the month) from us having sex, we had sex again yesterday which was normal (great) but then later that night I tried to get him to have sex again (we were both drunk) and he said he was too drunk. Okay? I was kind of annoyed but tried to be understanding aka let him sleep (although we have had sex when we're drunker than that) so then this morning I was being a little pouty but tried not to be because I really wanted to have sex, he started out as if he wanted to have sex with foreplay but then he tells me he has got to go, i know he had to go teach a class but usually he could squeeze in time to be with me.. so I just got up and left.

Now I am not really sure what the deal is, Im afraid that he is upset about something. But I brought it up to him and he swears that he was just from the drinking and that he was hung over and hurried to leave. But that combined with him losing his boner during sex (he says this is because he may of already masterbated that day), Im afraid that he doesnt want me anymore. Which is really bad, especially so early into a relationship!

I almost wonder if he is upset that I didnt say I love'd him back, both last night when he told me he was falling for me, and I didnt say anything, he lost his hard on. And this morning when he said "you make me so happy", I said "well you make me so horny" and it seems like he lost it after that. Could this be? I dont want to lie and say that I am in love with him because I want to get laid! I could see myself falling in love with him, and I have really really strong feelings for him...

I want to be with him, both sexually and in a relationship!

What can I do? Why would he be like this?

It sounds like he isn't sexually attracted to you. For a guy, being sexually attracted is different from being committed to a person. I'm pretty sure it doesn't have anything to do with you saying you love him or not.

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Originally Posted by babycarrot [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What can I do? Why would he be like this?

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First of all, it looks like both of you want sex. Your title is a bit misleading, it's not that you want it and he doesn't. You brought a couple of examples where he wasn't in the mood. First of all, drunk or even tipsy for many guys = a big mood killer. You shouldn't expect anything after that. If you want to do it, make sure he's not drunk.

Doing multiple times a day, well this will vary with guys. Some guys have a lower sex drive, meaning that after doing it once in one day they are just not feeling it any more. A common mistake women make is that they think that if their guy is not feeling it anymore it has something to do with them (Which is a big turn off by the way, huge insecurity red flag) when in fact it's simply down to the drive and metabolism. Don't make the mistake of trying to change that.

Second, girl being in any way pressuring or demanding of sex = big turn off as well. You're removing the initiation advantage from the guy, you are being dominant. On a subconscious level this can be immasculating. If you want it to happen, drop subtle hints, be sensual, touch, massage, set the mood. Don't ever demand or pressure, the mood will die a quick and painful death if you do that.

I hope this is helpful :)

I do know some men that won't do one night stands. The reason? They can't get it up if it's "just sex." I don't understand the mechanism, only that it happens.

If you're not ready to say, "I love you" yet, that's completely understandable.

What your man might need is just some reassurance that you're satisfied with him emotionally as well as physically.

"You make me so happy" is something along those lines, though I know I've taken a woman on occasion after coming home and she offered, "I was thinking about you today."

Give it a shot and see if he responds. If not, Mish outlined some excellent points.

~Sphinx

Well that is what I thought was weird, because he is saying that he is "falling for me" but then he is not that into it sexually. I almost felt like he was pissed off at me about me not saying it back or pissed off at me about something else.

When I tried to ask him about it, he just kept saying "no i really want you, i was hung over/drunk" ect ect... although it really is the first time he ever turned me down, he has lost an erection while we were having sex...

I was almost wondering if I am just too much too handle... because I want him any time I see him (although he usually initiates sex, even in the instances where he loses his erection) But Ive only ever turned sex down with him when I was on my period, and in that case I just gave him head. I would say we probably have sex 4-5 times a week, pretty much any time we are around eachother.

Women complaining that men don't want sex. Well, it has been nice knowing everybody...clearly it is the end of humanity as we know it.

The entire "we were just ****ing for fun and then we decided to make US offical" makes me uncomfortable for some reason...I guess it brings out the old OV in me.

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Originally Posted by babycarrot [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

When I tried to ask him about it, he just kept saying "no i really want you, i was hung over/drunk" ect ect... although it really is the first time he ever turned me down, he has lost an erection while we were having sex...

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This may happen again in the future. You will have to find a way to bypass your insecurities (That he's not attracted to you) and accept that this is something that's bound to his personality by default.

Sounds like an alcohol issue to me.

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Originally Posted by babycarrot [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well that is what I thought was weird, because he is saying that he is "falling for me" but then he is not that into it sexually. I almost felt like he was pissed off at me about me not saying it back or pissed off at me about something else.

When I tried to ask him about it, he just kept saying "no i really want you, i was hung over/drunk" ect ect... although it really is the first time he ever turned me down, he has lost an erection while we were having sex...

I was almost wondering if I am just too much too handle... because I want him any time I see him (although he usually initiates sex, even in the instances where he loses his erection) But Ive only ever turned sex down with him when I was on my period, and in that case I just gave him head. I would say we probably have sex 4-5 times a week, pretty much any time we are around eachother.

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I'm going to go out on a limb here, and throw out something crazy.. but google "retarded ejaculation" and see if it sounds like something that may apply to him..

- Does it seem strange that he can go on for well over 40 minutes on average?
- Does he NOT ejaculate sometimes during sex?
- Does his penis get unusually warm?
- Does he find any pleasure in sex, or is it minimal at best?

Personally, if i'm not oozing with passion and deep emotions from the inside, and don't feel that powerful sense of attraction and connection for the other person.. It's hard for me to maintain that erection (and i'm 23).. When that happens, the weight of the other person alone will bend my penis, and the continued application of trusting force will cause me more pain than pleasure..

For guys with RE (he may not have it, but it never hurts to check it out).. the majority of the pleasure from sex is emotional.. the penis is practically desensitized.. they live in a world where other guys keep talking about sex like it's some ultimate pleasure.. but they can't relate to such physical pleasure.. To make it worse, maybe sometimes he'll orgasm.. other times.. maybe he won't.. So naturally.. when you add these factors together.. his motivation for sex is generally low..

Good News?

Yeah.. the only reason it's low is because there's very little physical motivation in place for him to chase after.. The bulk of his incentive for sex is the emotional connection he feels for that other person (you).. sex is afterall, a bonding activity.. a way for the two of you to express your love and affection towards each other.. But when you start to diminish this emotional motivation he has.. then his desire for sex, as well as his erection, will naturally start to go away..

Your situation doesn't sound unusual at all.. It happens.. so don't feel that you're alone and are the only person caught up in such a rut.. it's a trend, that's starting to take over pretty fast..

Analysis?

- He developed strong feelings for you (emotional) before you were able to match those feelings on a certain level.. However, you developed strong sexual desire for him.. he felt it.. and because he had feelings (emotional) for you, gave in to your needs.. [don't forget the golden rule: women may fake orgasms, but men can fake entire relationships]

I'm not calling your relationship a "fake".. but it's clearly a situation where the two of you should NOT have been having sex yet! Who's fault? There's no nice way to say this, but it's yours.. You couldn't take things a little slow until maybe you could match what he felt for you.. instead you just jumped into sex and let your desire get the best of you.. and naturally, because he felt so much emotionally for you, he wanted to satisfy your needs so he gave in..

Is there something wrong with having sex with a guy you don't feel all that emotional for? Not at all.. that's not what i'm saying.. there's nothing wrong with casual sex.. but you eventually come across people who are looking for something more.. those people don't JUDGE others who engage in casual sex.. but they don't prefer it.. this guy is one of those guys.. He's looking for you to match up what he's feeling for you.. He wants love.. he wants to know that the feeling is mutual.. (i'm not saying he's going to use sex against you to get that from you.. he's a guy.. guys don't do that..) but he will start to naturally lose his sexual desire for you if he starts to feel that this is one sided..

So, in order for you not to find yourself in a situation where you're going to be lying to him just to have sex with him.. Try and control yourself, and take things slow.. Engage yourself in some more non-sexual activities.. Get a good feel of who he is.. who's this guy you're with? How does it feel like to be next to him? To be in a relationship with him? For you to call him yours? For him to call you his? And THEN, you can really ask yourself.. how does it feel like to have sex with that person? Hey, maybe you don't like him.. who knows.. but maybe you take a step back and realize that HEY, there's so much more to this guy than just sex, or maybe you take a step back and start to feel that emotional connection with him slowly.. and then feel it grow a little stronger.. or maybe you discover that this is someone amazing and great for you at this moment in time in your life.. I don't know.. only you'll be able to tell.. what's important is that you at least try and make some effort to tone down the sex, and briefly control your sexual desire before you start to feel that way for him.. that's usually the way the sequence goes.. :D

Sounds like a nice guy though.. I don't think you should look at the situation as anything serious or as reason to lose hope.. You showed the motivation to come seek advice on the matter.. I don't know if you'll notive just how much you care about him.. it's almost funny to hear you try and think that you don't.. but what's important is that you clearly both care for eachother.. and i'm sure everything will work out just fine.. I know you'll do what you think is best.. you clearly have good intentions.. after things work out.. don't forget to re-post..

If this isn't an alcohol issue, I'd be worried. Guys in their early 20s are supposed to be peaking sexually, and if he is already having trouble, it isn't going to get any better. EVER.

I still think you should rule out the alcohol factor, though. It is the simplest answer.

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Originally Posted by TheSphinx [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

They can't get it up if it's "just sex." I don't understand the mechanism, only that it happens.

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They don't like to feel themselves used, that's why. :nerd:

As for the guy, I don't know, maybe he just wants to do some other things rather to have sex sex sex and sex. Actually, for some men, having sex starts making them get worried about pregnancy, what would happen to them if she (you) get pregnant, whether they will be able to assume that responsibility or not, whether she (you) would like to have the baby or not and the whole abortion issue... etc.

Could he be thinking about that?
Are you aware you might get pregnant and change your life? Are you ready for that?

Hope this helps.

Hi babycarrot,

(Btw, are you trying to make Stephen Colbert gay?)

Anyway, I am also ridiculously demanding about sex, so I know where you're coming from. My poor boyfriend has to put it to me all the time to keep me satisfied, and if I go about four days without getting any, I turn evil and grumpy. It's not that he doesn't want the sex, he just doesn't need it quite as often as I do.

It sounds like you may have the same kind of situation, but considering the fact that you've only been together a couple of months and he's already losing it, I'd say you have cause for concern. If my boyfriend lost his boner in the middle of a blowjob, I'd be quite freaked out.

As many others have pointed out, this problem is not about sex. Not at all. I think it sounds like you are not meeting on common ground about your relationship and you need to have a nice, long talk about it, without any alcohol involved. Or sex. Could you both commit to a date without either of those things? I'll bet you could learn a lot, doing that.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Anyway, I am also ridiculously demanding about sex, so I know where you're coming from. My poor boyfriend has to put it to me all the time to keep me satisfied, and if I go about four days without getting any, I turn evil and grumpy. It's not that he doesn't want the sex, he just doesn't need it quite as often as I do.

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Not to imply any trouble in the bedroom or that sort of thing, but may I suggest a good read..

- Hot Sex
- Super Hot Sex

(by Tracey Cox)

Do you think she was actually born with the last name Cox?

First off, thank you to those who have posted with serious answers. =D

Just so everyone knows, I am 23 and he is almost 27. As for sexual peak, I am not really sure when that ends for guys..

Yes, I do think that we may of had sex too early into us dating. But again, like most times we have sex, it was intiated by him.

Yes, he could be worried that I may get pregnant... but, and please dont lecture me on protection, but we have never used a condom, I am on the pill (not saying it still isnt very bad, and I regreted it afterwards, not because I got anything, but because it was STUPID not to). But on that point, recently he came inside which he had never done before...


As other of you have said, the only thing that makes sense to me is that he is upset that I didnt say I was falling for him back. I feel like him telling me repeatedly when he is drunk, is like he is asking me to say it back.

Do not get me wrong, I adore this guy. I do, I am terribly afraid of falling for him though. This is highly based on past relationships, I feel like I cannot give into it... which is horrible, I know.

When I say that I am upset he doesnt seem as interested in sleeping with me, or loses his hard on. Although part of it is based on my physical desire for me (which, trust me, is there) but the more upseting factor is what does it imply? That he does not have feelings for me?? And that is why I HAD to go on here and get some advice. To me it is hard to believe he does not have feelings for me:

we work at the same place and today he kept coming into my department and kissing me. Which he does every day we work together.

He texts me all the time about how much I mean the world to him, how he is crazy about me, how I am everything he has ever wanted.

For the most part I reciprocate this, and not because he does it, but because I feel the same way about him. But it would kill me to think that he doesnt want me sexually. Now none of you know what I look like, I may not be the hottest thing on the block but I would say I am pretty cute. I get some really cute guys! When I first told him that I liked him, he told me he was shocked because he thinks I am way out of his league, and was suprised he was even on my radar! I personally think we are on a fairly even playing field.. I really really like him... it just hurts to think what this could mean for us..

When I wrote "Although part of it is based on my physical desire for me (which, trust me, is there) but the more upseting factor is what does it imply? " in the last post... I meant my physical desire for HIM (not me).. if I desired me this would be a lot easier (haha)

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Do you think she was actually born with the last name Cox?

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Well, she IS from the UK.. but I don't think so.. Chances of being a body-language and sex expert with that name is a little TOO lucky..

Great reads though, funny, interesting.. husband & wife friendly.. plus I think you'd really connect with this particular author..

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Originally Posted by babycarrot [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

When I first told him that I liked him, he told me he was shocked because he thinks I am way out of his league, and was suprised he was even on my radar! I personally think we are on a fairly even playing field..

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mm... I think you hit the nail on the head without noticing. Sometimes, men believe they are "too little" to be with a girl who's "more wonderful" than themselves and they start feeling "sorry" for being part of the relationship. I think this might be his case.

You can call it a self-esteem problem because it is a self-esteem problem.

I'm not any psychologist (and I'm not saying he needs one), but I think some tender reassurance could work in this case. Many times, a man wants to find that with his girl: tenderness and just that. Have you tried to give sex a break to attend his emotions a little more for a few days? Maybe that is what he needs to feel comfortable again and bring back his libido.

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Originally Posted by Tedel [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

but I think some tender reassurance could work in this case. Many times, a man wants to find that with his girl: tenderness and just that.

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I couldn't resist..

Use the classic approach:

- Next time you're at it.. "Oh! Ah! Oh my g-d! Slow down! Not so fast! It hurts! It's too big! What's with you today? What did you feed that thing? Give me a little time before you go in all the way" Ego problem solved..

(Note: That was just a joke)

On a more serious note though, if self-esteem seems to be his issue.. then the first thing I have to personally stress is (DO NOT use DIRECT suggestions or attempts to boost up his ego)..

Examples: "You look good today.. wow! look at you!.. you're so smart sweety.. You're the best.. I'm so lucky to have you.."

It comes off as fake, and that's because you appear to have the intention of trying to build up his esteem.. Implying that he needs it.. and that's something the male ego can't take (from a lover).. Think of it like telling him "I don't think your penis is THAT small.. it's just fine"

So, what can you do to boost up his self-esteem?

- Overt & Direct methods won't work.. they'll have the opposite effect, which is exactly what you don't want! Instead, your tools of choice will be Covert & Indirect methods.. These are effective simply because they free you from looking like you're trying to boost his ego.. and make him feel useful/good/better because HE will reach that conclusion on his own.. without your (direct, visable) help..

Examples:

- Are you proud of him? Sure you can say it to him.. but what do you DO to make him feel this? Start to make him feel like you're showing him off like some trophy to your family and friends.. As if you feel you're proud to have him next to you, to call him your boyfriend.. Arrange a girl's night out.. and ask him to come.. if he says "no", respond (Oh come on! I told everyone you're comming, and they all love you! They were all psyched when I told them you're comming.. you're such a party pooper).. at the girl's night out.. let him shine.. make sure you bring ONLY good-looking friends out that night.. it's quite intoxicating for a low-self-esteem guy to start to get comfortable with the feeling of being seen around good-looking women in public.. to add to this effect, go to a place that people know him or that familiar faces will see him..

- Do you value him? Better question, does he feel like he's useful, needed, or provides any value? Simple things such as "I'm short, can you reach up and get that thing over there on top?".. or "Can you open this up for me?".. or.. "Can you come with me? I'm getting back late and I don't feel safe comming back home all alone".. for an increased effect, try and listen for what he's proud of.. what he identifies as his best quality/skill/talent.. that is to say, what he's proud of being able to offer to others, better than anyone else.. and make him feel special because he can offer that to you..

- Association & Contrast: This one is simple.. Associate him with POSITIVE qualities.. "you look just like.. I was watching that movie today and I just realized that you talk just like.." (Make sure it's positive, for instance, people tell me I look like Tom Cruise all the time, but I HATE Tom Cruise.. so make sure it's someone he likes, or wants to be like.. and go beyond looks..).. then, Contrast him with NEGATIVE qualities.. Girly-Catty-Games-101: In High School, all girls do with a guy they like is tell him how he's the best guy in the whole grade/school.. and how they HATE so-&-so.. and rest easy knowing that so-&-so is someone who this guy also HATES.. "the enemy of my enemy is my friend".. So if he hates some guy, or thinks of some guy as a loser, simply contrast him and that guy.. The implication is that HE (your bf) is NOT like that guy he hates.. which is OK.. because he HATES him.. there's something negative about that guy.. so it has the effect of an indirect compliment..

Now, i'm a guy, who's strait.. so i've never had a boyfriend to use any of this on.. and most of my girl-friends have actually suffered from the exact opposite situation; (abusive boyfriends).. but these are all SAFE things to do.. They work mostly on self-image and partly on ego.. They help create a stable perception/realization of self-worth & value.. without "gassing-up" the person..

Best,

GrkScorp