she lives with her ex...

I started dating a girl about ten weeks ago. Totally casual at first, I didn't really expect anything beyond a few dates. Right away she told me she lives with her exboyfriend. They dated a year and have been broken up for a year. It is tough to find a place around here (I just moved myself and know first hand how tough it can be), but it's not impossible by any means. She also is quite actively looking for a new place to live. I didn't care at first, not really expecting anything to happen between us.

Of course now I've totally fallen for her, and she has for me as well. We are committed together now, and going great. So now this little thorn of the ex is becoming a larger and larger problem. It's not that I don't trust her, because I totally do. But I do find this puts me in a strange position.

Should I confront her? I think even asking her how the house hunting is going may be too much. Should I just ride it out? The more logical side of me thinks it will all be fine in the end; the jealous side of me is not so sure. Any ideas?

I would think that the logical side would worry too. Why is she still living with him? Cause it's too hard to get a place. Well, you don't think one night he or her is gonna be drunk and put the moves on the other? She's LIVING with her past 'baggage'. I say don't even THINK about it being serious until she's away from him. Cause there's way too high a risk that one or the other will try to hook up. And seeing as they're past boyfreind/girlfriend (who were OBVIOUSLY sexually active to be living together), the chances of the other saying "yes" to a "One time. For old time's sake." is very high.

DON'T GET TOO INVOLVED! STAY AWAY AND DON'T GET SERIOUS UNTIL SHE'S AWAY AND READY TO GET SERIOUS WITH YOU!

Alexi

I agree with what you are saying, and now you've got me thinking more. But is geography really going to keep them apart if they decide to get back together? Sure living together makes it easier, but if she's with me she's with me. If she's not, she's not.

But don't get me wrong, I'm thinking. I'm thinking...

When you're with someone, there is ALWAYS temptation. No matter what. I could have the most beautiful, caring, kind girl in the world, and I could see someone else on the street and think they're hot.

But she is LIVING with what could be a temptation. maybe he's not now. And maybe he won't ever be. But if he decides to ever TRY to seduce her, she can't get away. She lives there. She won't have somewhere to go to to AVOID the temptation, since she will ultimately have to return back to HIM.

if you didn't feel that you were out of place then i'd slap your head. if i were in your shoes, i would also wonder why she hasn't found another place or atleast moved out of her ex's place.

recently my co worker broke up her relationship with her bf but being that she had just moved out here, it was really hard to find a new place. she knew that she didn't want to stay with her ex because althought they were on good terms, they no longer wanted to be together. i do believe that ex's can be good friends, and maybe even live together at a time or another, but after a relationship has ended, i don't believe they should be living together

it would totally put you in a werid situation with the ex always being around and it's like your on his territory with his ex and his house. if you think that you're really serious about this girl that you should say something. if you remain silent then she will think that either you don't care, or the situation doesn't bother you at all. maybe you two could go looking for a place together or if she can't afford it, then maybe she could live with you. if the two of you really want things to hapen, then make it happen, and it will. raverboy

I brought it up a little last night, and tonight I will fully bring it up. She knows it's on my mind. I don't want to live with her, and I'm not going to compromise on that even considering the situation. If it comes down to it, I will offer my place as a temporary location, but ugh, that's just got trouble written all over it.

I'll post what happens, thanks for the help.

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I don't want to live with her, and I'm not going to compromise on that even considering the situation. If it comes down to it, I will offer my place as a temporary location, but ugh, that's just got trouble written all over it.

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Good thinking. You guys probably aren't even NEAR the point of finding a place together yet. But the temporary place to live isn't a bad idea. Sort of the "half-way" house. A place she can escape her ex, while at the same time, not worrying about RUINING things with you (which means, at this point at least, separate rooms and the utmost respect for each others privacy).

Alexi

i would suggest seperate rooms since you two aren't really ready to live together. raverboy

separate rooms, not so doable in my apartment :) But I'm avoiding that route at all costs, I think I'd rather split (hopefully temporarily) and resolve this than have her live with me.

I'm going to tell her how I feel, and get a better feel for how hard she is really looking for a place. If she can convince me she's really looking (and I think she is), I'll be content for now. And help her out of course. If some time down the road she's still living there, we'll cross that bridge when we get there I guess...

I guess I learned a lesson though, even if you don't think things will go anywhere, red flags are still red flags.

well to be honest, you shouldn't be giving up so easily. maybe she actually does want to move out, yet she haven't really tried. it's hard to break old habits and she is comfortable with her current situation. explain to her how you feel and she might actually change for you. raverboy

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I'm going to tell her how I feel, and get a better feel for how hard she is really looking for a place. If she can convince me she's really looking (and I think she is), I'll be content for now. And help her out of course. If some time down the road she's still living there, we'll cross that bridge when we get there I guess...

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Sounds about right.

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maybe she actually does want to move out, yet she haven't really tried. it's hard to break old habits and she is comfortable with her current situation. explain to her how you feel and she might actually change for you.

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Also sounds about right. Good thinking fellas! I'm trying to think if I possibly have any ideas to contribute . . . . .

Hmmm . . . .

Still thinking . . . .

Oh yeah. In the meantime, be careful not to get her TOO MUCH under your skin. You don't want to fall hard for her and then end up having to visit her ex-boyfriends house to see her. Or drop her off at her ex-boyfriend's house after every date. It's just not right and will annoy the hell out of you. So help her find a new place, but don't get TOO emotionally involved until she has one. Just a 'better safe than sorry' situation.

Alexi

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Originally posted by sfalexi

Oh yeah. In the meantime, be careful not to get her TOO MUCH under your skin.

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To be honest I think it's a little late for that :/ I know I'm vulnerable, but I'm also realistic on how it could all go down. It's not like we've been together for years or anything. I'm prepared for whatever happens.

But anyway, I told her what's up and she agrees. She pretty much feels the exact same way. She really is looking, she looked into three places yesterday. One in particular looks very promising. So hopefully this will all be in the past soon...

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Originally posted by sfalexi
But she is LIVING with what could be a temptation. maybe he's not now. And maybe he won't ever be. But if he decides to ever TRY to seduce her, she can't get away. She lives there.

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Yup. My ex still lives with me, we even share a bed still. And he's seeing someone. And we have sex all the time. So don't think it can't happen, cuz my friend, IT DOES!

Point proven. And take that as an example of what a guy can do. The guy certainly doesn't mind having sex with his ex as well as some other girl that he's seeing.

Knowing both her and him, I'm really not worried. And if something does go down, it will surface eventually and then she's not what I'm looking for anyway. Perhaps a bit of denial in those words, but that's where I'm at. The whole situation is totally out in the open, we've had a few good discussions on it, and I think things are heading in the right direction. So I'll just forge ahead and see what happens.

Just help her get a new apartment. And if she does, that in itself would be a testament that she cares for you (if she had been comfortable living with the ex but prioritizes getting a new apartment because YOU asked her to).

Alexi

my brother had the exact same problem. his relationship with this girl has ended now. at first he didnt really care, but then his feelings grew as yours have, and he wasnt sure how to bring it up without looking clingy and jealous. eventually though, little things started to bother him, like how she babied her exboyfriend/roommate after a hard day at work and not my bro, and other random things like that. STAY AWAY FROM THIS GIRL. my bro's girl ended up breaking up with him because of "mixed feelings". dont let this happen to you.

But I have brought it up, fully, and it went very well. We're totally on the same page. I was very happy with how we handled it, seemed to suggest future problems will also get resolved nicely. This being our first real issue.

And it's not like that with her ex. He works nights, she works days, he goes home on the weekends. He's almost never around. He's also seriously considering moving back home. And on top of all of that, having met and hung out with him, and seen how the two are together, there's just nothing. Nada. They couldn't be more dead to each other if they wanted to be. If she never told me they dated and he was just her roommate, I would have never guessed otherwise.

So although the same physical situation, different people make it different. I'm really not worried (anymore).