So, Amanda has a stalker...

Long story short, she broke up with this guy over a year ago (we've been dating for 6 months), and he just hasn't gotten over it. He whines to her on the phone and by e-mail--wanting her back, etc...wishing she had gotten pregnant (they had a pregnancy scare), and general creepy crap.

She's tried telling him over and over again to stop that stuff--to stop calling, e-mailing, etc. What will make him go away? It seems to really bother her, and it's gotten to the point where ignoring him/etc. doesn't really work all that well.

I don't know if it's your style, but maybe you can ask her if she'd like you to speak to him. (No, not threaten him - yet - just in order to make your presence more "real" to him).

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't know if it's your style, but maybe you can ask her if she'd like you to speak to him. (No, not threaten him - yet - just in order to make your presence more "real" to him).

---

Nah. I think that would drive his craziness even more.

I have a feeling that he's eventually going to find me and talk to me as well, though. Just seems like the next logical step.

There's always the police, for a restraining order.
Guys should get over it, it was't meant to be, so he should stop trying.
I would wish to be in a relationship, but i'll let it come naturally where the timing is right.

P.S. With all this wasted time, he could've annoyed a different girl or his self-esteem is low and it'll be hard for him to find someone else at this point.

Tell her to make a statement, to show him that he has no control over the situation.

Anyways, best of luck to the 2 of u, and hopefully it gets settled.

I agree with Vash.., non-threatning confrontation is the best.., YOU should make it a priority to go up and talk to him.. face-to-face.., in person..

Tell him that you know what is going on.., that you're just there to talk.., and that you came there to tell him to stop.., that you find it disrespectful.., and that Amanda finds it uncomfortable.., and that he sould realize how wrong it also looks for him to be doing that and for everyone else to hear that he's that type of person.., it doesn't look good for him.., so hopefully he'll see that it's better off for everyone if he stops doing what he's doing.. and that you nor Amanda will hold it against him.., that you can both just put it behind you now.., as if nothing happened.., and just have things back to normal..

(truth be told.., Amanda is most likely the only girl he feels he stands a chance with.., and now that she's gone.., he feels he has nobody else.., and is looking to get her back.. so don't be shocked if he's not exactly too happy to be around you.., you are afterall who took that positive feeling away from him)

This is pretty creepy.., some guys.., shame on them.. pathetic really.. disgusting.., makes you ashamed to be a guy..

Best,

GrkScorp

tell her to stop responding to him.

How long did she date him?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by kromat [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

There's always the police, for a restraining order.

---

With people like that.., something like that could be enough to push them over the edge..

This isn't someone who is thinking rationally.., a restraining order is a piece of paper.., what is it going to do when you're in the shower and he's waiting outside the door? Are you going to tell him.. "hold on.., wait right there.., i'm calling the cops so they can enforce the restraining order I have against you!".. too late..

He needs someone to talk to him.., and get him grounded back into reality.., allow him to feel accepted and comforted to some degree.., no longer ashamed or rejected.. and after he's in a stable state of mind to talk.., he'll be more able to accept the reality.., that Amanda is no longer available.., that she's moved on and is with someone else..

But for now.., that's a reality he doesn't want to accept.., trying to force it down his throat isn't going to work.. you're going to need to approach this step by step.. just remember:

"You can win more with honey.., than you can with vinegar"

Best,

GrkScorp

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by GrkScorp [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I agree with Vash.., non-threatning confrontation is the best.., YOU should make it a priority to go up and talk to him.. face-to-face.., in person..

---

Even though I've never met the guy?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by misombra [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

tell her to stop responding to him.

---

+1

Tell her stop answering his calls & emails. Her attention is what is fueling him. But she should store them in a folder as proof she can use later (don't delete them just yet).

If she can block his calls & msgs even better.

If his calls are predictable, you can answer her phone & say she doesn't want to speak w/him if he calls. Polite but firm is the key.

If he seems mostly harmless but just isn't 'getting it', then you can let him know you are logging his calls & msgs & will go to the police in a week if he doesn't stop immediately. Be sure to use the word 'stalker' so he understand exactly what he's doing.

Failing that, you may have to kick his ass. This means he's nuts, btw, so bring some friends along.

Good luck.

She could also change her number if he won't quit calling her.

Is she scared? Or rather, just annoyed?

she likes it.

You can't really do anything about it, M. Amanda has to do it. She's not setting her boundaries appropriately, and he's taking advantage.

She has to leave him nowhere to go. Not be rude, necessarily, but very firm. Not, "I understand how you feel, but I really think you need to move on, Stalkerboy." More like, "Don't call here again."

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5H0wUo37RY"]YouTube - Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers - Don't Come Around Here No More[/ame]

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You can't really do anything about it, M. Amanda has to do it. She's not setting her boundaries appropriately, and he's taking advantage.

She has to leave him nowhere to go. Not be rude, necessarily, but very firm. Not, "I understand how you feel, but I really think you need to move on, Stalkerboy." More like, "Don't call here again."

---

This is where we last left it, actually. She told him flat out to stop.

He's e-mailed her twice since then and she hasn't responded, but this is just getting stupid.

Tell him you are going to get a restraining order because he is scaring her.

i say just let him do it until he's done.

as long as you guys are responding, the fuel will be going into the fire.

Dude, grow some balls. :\

No offense but you seem extremely afraid of this guy.
Is he tougher than you or what? Because being crazy doesn't make you tough, and it seems like your using that as an excuse not to confront him.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sticko [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Dude, grow some balls.

---

It's not a matter of balls.., I think he's getting stuck on him feeling like it's a matter of being civil.., polite.., and respectful.., that he doesn't even know this guy.., never met him before.., and it's not "right" to just talk to him for the first time under these conditions..

Well.., to that i'll say this..

"I just want a guy.., who will see me run to him.., with tears down my face.., and the first thing he'll tell me is.., who's ass am I going to have to kick babe?" (Carla)

Be that guy.., (without kicking his ass).., you don't have to kick his ass to afford Amanda a sense of safety and protection.. but the very least you can do.., is go up and talk to him.. (being tactful and diplomatic)..

A boyfriend comming up to you to threaten you or kick your ass will only get you in either an aggressive or defensive state.., getting the two of you nowhere closer to progress..

But a boyfriend comming up to you to talk.., will actually be more intimidating.., because he reserves the right to be angry.., but he's controlling himself.., therefore you have no choice in the matter but to be polite and listen.. purely out of respect for his composure.., and with that willingness to listen and understand.., you can get a lot more done than with any other direct or indirect method (her ignoring him.., restraining order.., kicking his ass.., etc)

So just go talk to him.., alone.. without your girlfriend there.. you're being polite and civil.., there's no reason to feel any reservations about it.., especially since you probably are in the best position to help resolve this.., so just do it.. now..,

Best,

GrkScorp

I have a stalker too (10 months now) so I am not great in giving advice here and I may need some help soon. Mine is only phone..(correction and snail mail). It was often at first and now I guess it is probably weekly. I don't know. I turn off the ring tone to his number so that I cannot hear it. I would, for now, simply block the calls and save the emails in a separate folder possibly named "stalker". I would not give the stalker any indication that I am interested or even receiving his messages. For all he knows, the number could be disconnected or set to a new owner. Don't answer him at all. NEVER. Not even once. Don't feed him information about your personal life: your relationships or how you are doing.

Finally be safe. Remember when you are in a stalking situation, unless the perpetrator goes to jail (and even then they may stalk you) it is not going to go away quickly. I new email and phone are other options. It is good that he is not physically following you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sticko [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Dude, grow some balls. :

No offense but you seem extremely afraid of this guy.
Is he tougher than you or what? Because being crazy doesn't make you tough, and it seems like your using that as an excuse not to confront him.

---

Afraid? Really? That's pretty funny that you think that.

I'm not using anything as an excuse. I've never met the guy--never talked to him, anything like that. That's my reason for not confronting him--this is Amanda's thing. I'm not going to come across as the jealous little bitch over this.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mathias [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm not using anything as an excuse. I've never met the guy--never talked to him, anything like that. That's my reason for not confronting him--this is Amanda's thing. I'm not going to come across as the jealous little bitch over this.

---

So your feelings are more important than her safety?

Mbe you need to put this situation in context. When you use the word 'stalker' like you did, most ppl think of someone who is potentially dangerous.

What you describe sounds more like what we call a 'gentleman admirer'. An annoying one, but harmless. In this case, its certainly her thing to deal with, as she is almost certainly feeding the situation.

If not, tho, then yes you may need to confront this fellow.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mathias [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Afraid? Really? That's pretty funny that you think that.

I'm not using anything as an excuse. I've never met the guy--never talked to him, anything like that. That's my reason for not confronting him--this is Amanda's thing. I'm not going to come across as the jealous little bitch over this.

---

I don't think it's funny at all.

Your not coming across as a "Jealous Bitch" by standing up for your Girlfriend. You'd be coming across as a protective boyfriend.

I'm not saying you need to kick the guys ass. But you need to confront him and tell him to BACK OFF. :\

Has she complained about this to you, like it should be your problem?

Mathias - is he just pesty, or do you think he might be dangerous?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Has she complained about this to you, like it should be your problem?

---

It should be his problem anyway. I don't understand why it's a bad thing to remind this guy of the potential of the police getting involved. Maybe he needs a wake up call to snap back to the real world.

Hey she told him word for word to stay away and stop contacting her? If no then he is not a stalker.