How can I make my family a family?

:emot103:
I'm feeling particularly sad right now - I have had a slight row with my mum - and I stormed out the house. What made me do it was not just because of the argument but because my brother called me a bitch, siding with my mum, and he threw things at me - it was the look in his eye that scared me - it was the same look he gets in his eye when he randomly hits me - a look that is almost savage and it felt as though he couldn't hate me more.

We have never been a close family. I don't know how to connect with them - I seem so individual to them. My brother the other day said: "Who are you? I don't know you - you are just a random stranger living in this house. You don't even look anything like the rest of us."

It made me feel adopted or something and that I really wasn't a part of the family.

I had just got back from my friends workplace where I'd walked to, and mum and me talked a bit - not really quite forgiving eachother or anything - but then she had to go to work and I just didn't know how to give her a hug. I said that i felt awkard about it - which is why I only say good night to her without a hug or kiss - I just don't know how to approach her.
I know one day she won't be here and it makes me feel sad because I try to be close to her - but I just don't know how.
Please help - if you can.

X

i don't really know what to say, coz i don't get on with my mum and brothers either but if you're being hit i think you should call the cops

When I was growing up, my brother and sister and I used to tease another sister about her being adopted because she looked so different from the rest of us. Once we grew up and realized how crazy our parents were, we all wished we could be the "adopted" kid so we could hope the insanity gene didn't get passed down. :D

You are what? 15? How old is your brother? How long have you been at odds with the family? What are your grades like (assuming you are still in school)? What kinds of things do you argue with your mom about?

F*ck your family, just bear with it until you can get out.

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Originally Posted by Frasbee [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

F*ck your family, just bear with it until you can get out.

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Wow, that's horrible advice, How is she going to get help from her family, when they can't get along?
Lozenger seems like such a nice person, wanting hugs & kisses, but everyone is ignoring her.
You should all sit down and resolve this as a family and start helping each other out, or no one is safe.
Being afraid of your own family, is a horrible thing to think of.
If this is bothering you, then gather them up and settle it like a family should, get family counselling maybe If has to resort to that option.

Brothers are pretty cruel I have to say, I have 2 and it's hard to get some time to myself.

P.S. hopefully it gets resolved

Let you and your family cool down. They probably just became aggressive because of the disagreements. Try not to clash with them too much. If they said something you disagree with, let it go because the arguements and tensions would escalate. I used to feel the same way about my own family years before. But then I stopped talking back even if I knew they were wrong. Families in reality is nothing like the perfect families you see on t.v. But don't let the reality of your family make you feel sad and hopeless. If you let them cool down (and yourself as well), eventually they would think over what they said and did to you. Perhaps then, they would realize how wrong they are.

I feel you, Lozenger. I was raised by wolves, myself, and the best advice I can give you is to stop expecting them to step up and be what you want them to be and start learning how to look elsewhere for your "intentional family".

You can't polish a turd.

Call the police the next time he hits you. I am not kidding. Something like that needs to be punished, and if your parents won't do it, the government will. Nobody should ever strike anyone, and you seem so nice and innocent. Replace the hope of making your family better with the goal of making friends that will care about you.

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Originally Posted by kromat [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Wow, that's horrible advice, How is she going to get help from her family, when they can't get along?
Lozenger seems like such a nice person, wanting hugs & kisses, but everyone is ignoring her.
You should all sit down and resolve this as a family and start helping each other out, or no one is safe.
Being afraid of your own family, is a horrible thing to think of.
If this is bothering you, then gather them up and settle it like a family should, get family counselling maybe If has to resort to that option.

Brothers are pretty cruel I have to say, I have 2 and it's hard to get some time to myself.

P.S. hopefully it gets resolved

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If this bullshit doesn't work, (it didn't work for my family even after a decade of counseling shit), then do what I said.

Meh, my siblings fought like mad when I was growing up, and we are exceptionally close now. This may be nothing more than growing pains and parental frustration. Let's not project our own issues on this family until we get more info from Lozenger. All families argue.

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Originally Posted by Lozenger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm feeling particularly sad right now - I have had a slight row with my mum - and I stormed out the house. What made me do it was not just because of the argument but because my brother called me a bitch, siding with my mum, and he threw things at me - it was the look in his eye that scared me - it was the same look he gets in his eye when he randomly hits me - a look that is almost savage and it felt as though he couldn't hate me more.

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That sounds pretty harsh Lozenger. I think you should first go up to your brother and tell him your sorry, even if it's not something you feel is your fault. Tell him your sorry for anything you've done to make him so mad at you, that you don't know what it is, but you'd like to work on it together, that you still love him because he's your brother and it hurts you when he gets angry at you. As far as your mom, I don't think a mom can love one child more than the other. In the heat of the moment, she may have done or said some things she didn't really mean, and if she can't put her pride aside and come clean about them because she feels ashamed to, then it's up to you to help her. You should go up to her and tell her the same thing you will tell your brother. Family is not something you want to dismiss. They may not be perfect, but they are who you turn to for support in tough times. They are the ones who love you and only want the best for you. Don't let this go, talk about it in a nice way to resolve it.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

When I was growing up, my brother and sister and I used to tease another sister about her being adopted because she looked so different from the rest of us. Once we grew up and realized how crazy our parents were, we all wished we could be the "adopted" kid so we could hope the insanity gene didn't get passed down. :D

You are what? 15? How old is your brother? How long have you been at odds with the family? What are your grades like (assuming you are still in school)? What kinds of things do you argue with your mom about?

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I'm 16 now. My brother is 18 - and will be 19 in June and my sister is 13 and will be 14 in june.

My grades are good - I'm predicted an A in all 8 of my subjects and am currently working at As or high Bs in all of them.

My family have always been argumentative.

My mum and dad split up when I was 4 - but I still have the memories of the rows eg my mum hunched on the floor crying whilst my dad was standing, shouting down at her. I also remember being in the house whilst my dad was sleeping with my neighbour upstairs and when I was around 4/5 I remember an argument between my mum and dad and he said to her that he never felt like a dad to any of us kids.That has always stuck with me.

My brother has grown close to my dad over the years - and my dads brother. They would go on holidays to wales a lot but my sister and me weren't invited.
My dad has had 6/7 girlfriends since my parents divorce. He once brought his current gfs daughter (15) a £100 dance mat for christmas and several months later I got £20 through the post.

My sister seems close to my mum and they always link arms when we go on shopping trips and they have a right laugh and I'm left walking behind them. I would link arms with them - but it is the way my mum links arms with my sister and doesn't offer to link my arm to hers.
My mum often, after an argument, breaks down and cries and I remember her saying how she felt like a failure as a mum.
My brother said one time to me how he never felt part of the family because my mum, sis and me can all share something in common - eg. chick flicks whereas my dad lives over 2 1/2 hours drive away (my brother can't yet drive) and so he feels left out a lot.
My sister and my brother both feel that my mum loves me the most as apparently she buys me the most things - but I don't believe that is true.

We argue over all sorts of things and one particular argument I remember my mum said to me "you have something wrong with you up here!!" and so she wanted me to see an councellor. I did for a while - but I realised it was my mum who needed it more than I did because of the way she felt a failure.

And so I'm left upset knowing that the rest of my family aren't happy with one another or themselves.

X

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You can't polish a turd.

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lolerskates

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Originally Posted by Lozenger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm 16 now. My brother is 18 - and will
be 19 in June and my sister is 13 and will be 14 in june.

My grades are good - I'm predicted an A in all 8 of my subjects
and am currently working at As or high Bs in all of them.

My family have always been argumentative.

My mum and dad split up when I was 4 - but I still have the memories
of the rows eg my mum hunched on the floor crying whilst my dad was
standing, shouting down at her. I also remember being in the house whilst
my dad was sleeping with my neighbour upstairs and when I was around
4/5 I remember an argument between my mum and dad and he said to her
that he never felt like a dad to any of us kids.That has always stuck with me.

We argue over all sorts of things and one particular argument I remember
my mum said to me "you have something wrong with you up here!!" and so
she wanted me to see an councellor. I did for a while - but I realised it was
my mum who needed it more than I did because of the way she felt a failure.

And so I'm left upset knowing that the rest of my family
aren't happy with one another or themselves.

X

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Your dad left you when you were young, so that can be emotional
can scar a kid when they get older and your mom crying while your
dad was yelling and not being a father figure like he should be.
Your mom blaming your siblings for her emotions is just not right,
I think that If your mom got some help, this could actually help everyone else.
Your mom has to set an example for the rest of you,
and not making all of you feel bad about yourselves.
From what I'm reading, there's nothing wrong with you, but the burdens
that you had to keep throughout the years have set you back,
and that's why it's harder to open up to people than usual.
Keep on striving to achieve your goal, and set an example for the rest of siblings.
Your going to make them proud, more than you think.

P.S. You've managed to focus on school pretty well, so keep it
up and let that be your motivation to deal with the stress and
surround yourself by positive friends that will keep you happy.

Aww, sweety... Your mom sounds like she is a bit of a wreck who hasn't quite figured out how to handle life's compexities. Really TRY to understand that her issues are NOT because of you... they are problems with herself. Evidence of this is the kind of man she married and decided to have babies with. If I chose that kind of man to make babies with, I might be bitter and overwhelmed, too.

You will one day have the opportunity for another parent-child relationship when you have your own babies. When you choose to do things differently (and better) with your own kids, it will help to heal a lot of the pain you carry from your childhood.

You sound like a good kid. Your mom probably is jealous that you have the opportunity for a better life than she had. Just don't go getting yourself all wrapped up in boys because they will divert your attention from the things that should be most important right now: your education (which is your ticket to a better future).

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Originally Posted by vashti

You sound like a good kid. Your mom probably is jealous that you have the
opportunity for a better life than she had. Just don't go getting yourself all
wrapped up in boys because they will divert your attention from the things
that should be most important right now: your education
(which is your ticket to a better future).

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I feel the same way about myself too, If I was to get into a relationship with a
girl now, I know I would definitely stay off track and start focusing my time onto
her and try to balance both, which I'm not ready for atm.

P.S. Thanks Vashti, I'm glad to hear that.

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Originally Posted by Kromat [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Your dad left you when you were young, so that can be emotional
can scar a kid when they get older

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No.

Kids are better off when the parents divorce early, because they grow up with having separated parents being the norm.

Loz, youre family is in turmoil like most families, we all have our issues. Unfortunately youre mom may not have ever gotten past the hurt from your dad. DONT let her feelings of insecurity bring you down. Youre 16 now, and thats a super tough age. I remember my son when he was 16, he was thrown into a relationship where he now had a step dad(his dad was NEVER around, never ever). That was a hard situation which got worse and now things are better 3 years later.

Your siblings are just that, your brothers are just being royal pain in the asses which is normal, sad but normal. Theyre older and feel they can push you around. I have 2 younger brothers were all in our 30's now, but laugh at the dumb stuff we did to eachother. You dont see it when youre in it, but down the road things will look up. Has your mom tried dating anyone? You have to know also, it's not your job to make them happy. You can try, and all the counseling YOU do is NOT going to make THEM happy. They have to do it for themselves. Your brothers just a turd now. But your mom sounds like she's just sad, and she's dealing with some BS that maybe she should let go herself. I cant imagine how hard that must be for her to have your dad flashing the girlfriends around all the time.

I have no doubt most people in their teens want a nice loving family, and its sad because in todays society, its not the norm, were not in the 60's with mom wearing the kitchen apron and everyone's clean as a whistle. How many families exist which are of a normalacy? Theyre all steps brothers and step moms, etc. Thats the norm. But just remember Loz, youre perfectly normal. You want balance and security. Maybe sometime you can offer to take your mom to lunch and talk. Mothers Day is coming up too. Maybe talk to your bro and sis and do something nice as a family?

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Originally Posted by squirrley [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Has your mom tried dating anyone?

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Thanks ;) Yes my mum has tried dating people. She had a boyfriend but he wasn't good enough for her and now she is dating someone and they have been together for 6 years. Sometimes I feel that she is not entirely happy with him but stays with him because she doesn't want to be alone.

X

Loz, Mothers Day is coming up too.


its gone - was in march down here


Maybe talk to your bro and sis and do something nice as a family?


i agree

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Originally Posted by Lozenger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sometimes I feel that she is not entirely happy with him but stays with him because she doesn't want to be alone.

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You see? She's a mess. How can someone act normally when they have this sort of mindset?

Do yoursef a favor hun, and before you go off dying for a boyfriend, learn how to be comfortable and content being alone. My mom went through men like tissues because she felt her sole worth was tied up in being desireable to someone else. She passed this trait down to my youngest sister who repeatedly ends up with the most idiotic relationships because for her too, it is better to be with *anyone* than to be alone.

As far as your relationship with your family, just don't take it personally. Be nice and willing to engage with them in healthy ways, but start counting the days to when you go to college. Lower your expectations for family gatherings. (would you expect a blind person to appreciate the sunset?) If you don't expect much, you won't be continually disappointed.