Parents want to buy me a house and much more

My parents talked to me and told me they wanted to buy me a house. I said NO. I'd rather make my own money and buy my own house. The reason is that if they buy me a house, it will be something they will use to guilt me into doing things for them.

My mom is trying to live though me because she didn't live her life the way she wanted. She told me that I HAVE TO get married within five years and that I HAVE TO have kids. I told her that's not my plan and she said, "So change it." I'm used to her saying things like that because I've heard it all my life with all matter of subjects. I just shrug it off.

I'm going to make my own money and buy my own house. Then I'll own it 100%. It will feel so good. I actually hate when my parents give me money. I don't want their money. My whole life, I've worked hard to save my parents money. I've gotten many scholarships for college. I don't ask for much at all, so they keep offering to give me money. How do I tell them that I don't want their money without sounding mean? My mom got upset once because she felt that I didn't need her anymore.

My parents try so hard to make me stay with them. My mom treats me as if I'm a small child, even though I'm 24. She won't let me near the stove when she's cooking. She'll scream at me, saying that the stove is hot and she doesn't want me to get burned. In turn, I never learned how to cook. I have to experiment in secret. When I'm crossing the street with her, she'll hold my hand and drag me back. When I drive myself anywhere that involves a highway, my mom will freak out and say that I shouldn't go because it's too dangerous. I had to lie to my mom many times that I'm only taking local roads.

I do have a younger sister, so it's not like I'm the only child. Still, my mom said that she's only protective because she has two kids. She said that if she had more, she wouldn't care about each one as much. Really strange and messed up, if you ask me.

I've been sheltered my whole life and college completely changed my life. Freedom never tasted so good. Now that I'm back at home and saving up for my own place, my big goal is to become independent.

That of course conflicts with my parents interests. They do not want me to be independent. They want me to be with them forever, which they have said everyday. They want me to be their child forever. How can I change that mindset? I've talked to them many times and said that I've grown and showed them that I can drive and do many other things, but still my mom will freak out when I try to do just about anything. It's been in vain.

Any suggestions on breaking free without being terrible and mean?

Are your parents really Americanized? Because I know that some Asian parents aren't willing to have sit-down talks with their kids.

However, you should tell them that you didn't go through all those years of schooling just to be taken care of by them. Tell them you feel that you want all your hard work to be worth something. Let them know that while you appreciate their offer, you want to gain your own self-worth by paving your own way.

I mean, really ... You got your MBA! If you were going to just let them buy you a house, why would you have even bothered, right? Let 'em know you wouldn't want all your education to be in vain.

Since I don't know your parents, I don't know if saying these things is a possibility ...

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Originally Posted by tooxshort [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Are your parents really Americanized? Because I know that some Asian parents aren't willing to have sit-down talks with their kids.

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They are not Americanized. Half the time when I talk to them, they are half listening. It's extremely hard to get them to listen.

You're right about the MBA thing. I did it for myself so I can buy myself a house.

Those people need to get some foster kids, and fast. Jeeze Louise, you're a grown woman, not a toddler!

And let me guess, your new house will be right next door to them, right? Just like in My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding.

I do not want my house to be next door! At least a mile away!!!

Any suggestions for breaking it to them nicely?

Try to make it as emotion-free as possible. Make it about the facts.

Yeah, that's the thing with Asian parents ... their paths were set by their parents and they want your path to be set by them ... You have to find a way to tell them that the way they grew up is different from how you grew up .... yikes ... Asian parents ... I really don't know though.

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Originally Posted by tooxshort [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You have to find a way to tell them that the way they grew up is different from how you grew up .... yikes ... Asian parents ... I really don't know though.

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Yeah I tried that. They weren't convinced. When I did that, my dad brought up white families he knew in the country who were very traditional too. :tough: Then he said, "See? Even Americans do these things."

How about this? Did your mom and dad have their parents pay for their home or financially support them? If not, then you can use that against them and kiss their asses at the same time.

Like, "I really want to be independent like you guys!"

Get a good-paying job first.

Pears is AZN?

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Originally Posted by Kiechi [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Pears is AZN?

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As Asian as you are. :oriental:

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Originally Posted by tooxshort [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

How about this? Did your mom and dad have their parents pay for their home or financially support them? If not, then you can use that against them and kiss their asses at the same time.

Like, "I really want to be independent like you guys!"

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That's a good idea.

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Originally Posted by Pears [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

As Asian as you are. :oriental:

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You're a halfie too?

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Originally Posted by Kiechi [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You're a halfie too?

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Nah, just kidding.

I think you should still thank your parents for their generous offer.

But tell them if you'd prefer to do things for yourself. Perhaps say that, once you find someone & have children (if that's your plan) that it would be a wonderful gift for his/her grandparents to make a gift to their RESP--education fund (or whatever you have where you are).

If your folks are looking for a house as an investment, well, they can do that w/o roping you into it.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think you should still thank your parents for their generous offer.

But tell them if you'd prefer to do things for yourself. Perhaps say that, once you find someone & have children (if that's your plan) that it would be a wonderful gift for his/her grandparents to make a gift to their RESP--education fund (or whatever you have where you are).

If your folks are looking for a house as an investment, well, they can do that w/o roping you into it.

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I do not plan to get married or have any kids. I have a stable boyfriend, but as for marital status, I'll be single forever, woo hoo!

I guess I have a hard time thanking them because I know they are trying to buy me a house so that they have control. If they buy it, it would be like their house that I'm living in. They are not trying to just have an investment. They are trying to continue holding control over me.

When I was job searching and I found a good job that was far away, my dad told me that I shouldn't move far away and that I should find a closer job and live at home. He said that money isn't a issue and that if I need any, he'll give it to me.

That's a conflict, of course. My life aspiration is to have the best career possible and be as rich as possible. Love life comes second and starting any kind of family is not even on the list.

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Originally Posted by Pears [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

They do not want me to be independent. They want me to be with them forever, which they have said everyday. They want me to be their child forever. How can I change that mindset? I've talked to them many times and said that I've grown and showed them that I can drive and do many other things, but still my mom will freak out when I try to do just about anything. It's been in vain.

Any suggestions on breaking free without being terrible and mean?

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You won't be able to change that mindset, not as long as you remain dependent on them. There is a solution that will solve many of these problems you are having with them Pears, but unfortunately you will always reject it.

Tell them to buy themselves a condo down in Florida or something that everyone in the family can enjoy

This reminds me of a high school speech discussion round, in which we were discussing alternative energy and changing the American mindset...

Raise gas taxes! Whooo!

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Originally Posted by Mishanya [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

There is a solution that will solve many of these problems you are having with them Pears, but unfortunately you will always reject it.

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+1

I'm sorry you choose to sleep Pears.

Mish, is your solution just to move out and do my own thing regardless of what my parents think? It sounds like the most logical thing to do, but I don't want to defy my parents. They tell me the only thing they want in life is to have me around. They want nothing else. Of course there are times when I get tired of their chatter and the way they handle things, but they are still my parents and I want to support them and keep them happy.

Are you saying that I'm giving myself no options?

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Originally Posted by Pears [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Mish, is your solution just to move out and do my own thing regardless of what my parents think? It sounds like the most logical thing to do, but I don't want to defy my parents. They tell me the only thing they want in life is to have me around. They want nothing else. Of course there are times when I get tired of their chatter and the way they handle things, but they are still my parents and I want to support them and keep them happy.

Are you saying that I'm giving myself no options?

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No, I'm saying you need to find a way to not be dependent on them to the extent that you are now. You need to find a way where you can have room for your own personal believes to be heard and a ground to stand on.

Right now if you speak out you "loose things". You are directly under their control, under their thumb and you will continue to be for as long as you decide to not do anything about it.

I think there is a huge room between "defying" and "rationally disagreeing and stating a different point of view without fear". You need to somehow create an environment where you can state your point of view without fear of repercussions. An environment where they can no longer "punish" you. An environment where if they do decide to punish you, it will be something you can live with unlike right now. I believe you deserve such an environment as an adult.

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Originally Posted by Pears [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Mish, is your solution just to move out and do my own thing regardless of what my parents think? It sounds like the most logical thing to do, but I don't want to defy my parents. They tell me the only thing they want in life is to have me around. They want nothing else. Of course there are times when I get tired of their chatter and the way they handle things, but they are still my parents and I want to support them and keep them happy.

Are you saying that I'm giving myself no options?

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I understand wanting to keep your parents happy, but at what expense? Must you give up your own happiness to give them everything they want? I don't think so. There's compromises. I say, save up in secret to buy your own place. Then when you can, let them know you're moving and that they are welcome to visit you whenever they like, and that you will visit them often too. They probably need to 'learn' that there is a life outside their children....parents need lessons sometimes too. They need to find other things to occupy their time, and you will give them that opportunity to explore life more. They might need a little push (or maybe a shove), and they will definitely protest, but this is your LIFE Pears. You have to be strong and and firm about what you want, and also prove you can do it on your own.....not just for them, but for yourself.

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Originally Posted by bluesummer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

They might need a little push (or maybe a shove), and they will definitely protest, but this is your LIFE Pears. You have to be strong and and firm about what you want, and also prove you can do it on your own.....not just for them, but for yourself.

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Reread this Pears