How to renew/refresh our relationship?

Printable View

23-06-08, 08:06 AM
hermionegranger

How to renew/refresh our relationship?

Everything is has been going downhill lately. It's like we've grown apart or something. We argue about small insignificant details every day. Whether he should buy a bus-ticket from a kiosk or from the bus driver or whether we should have a barbecue at my place, at his place or at his friend's place. The list of problems is endless. And though I'm telling myself that we shouldn't argue this much and that I should not force so many matters into arguments, the arguments still happen. I'm also bored. We don't do as much things together as we used to. And our sex-life is also complicated. I have arousal problems - I just don't feel anything when he touches me. Well, I can't say that I don't feel ANYTHING, I do feel that I love him and that I care for him, but I don't feel aroused, I won't get wet and our sex is dry. I've never had an orgasm with him. He is trying, but after 10 minutes I just give up. Me, myself and I are giving up, because I don't feel anything, I might find myself thinking about a bar of chocolate on the table or what are we going to eat for breakfast or what classes I have the next day.

I was thinking... If maybe we'd just start over, go on a first date, do something fun together, act like we didn't know each other, learn new things about one another. I told him about my idea, but he didn't like it very much. He admits we have a problem, but... he doesn't think it's the right way to solve it. What do you think?

Also - what should we (or I) do about our sex life? Or should I post this question under another topic? I've considered using lubes but... is that going to solve the arousal problem?

Thank you for your help!
23-06-08, 08:22 AM
lesa

Arousal seems to be the easiest step of sexual intimacy. I wonder what are you guys doing to increase this initial but important phase? Are you psychologically and mentally allowing yourself or are you holding back?

You can always mentally pretend you are in the beginning phase of your relationship together. You do not need his permission to allow you mind and spirit to be free and mentally romance him as if it was your first date. You guys sound like you are too use to each other and it occurs in every relationship if you allow it. You guys are allowing it.
23-06-08, 08:29 AM
IndiReloaded

Quote:

Originally Posted by hermionegranger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Me, myself and I are giving up, because I don't feel anything, I might find myself thinking about a bar of chocolate on the table or what are we going to eat for breakfast or what classes I have the next day.

Its no wonder you are having problems. Which of the three do you usually listen to?

Go out on regular dates. Tell him the things that interest you & ask him to do them. Guys need you to tell him directly what you want. Don't expect him to guess.
23-06-08, 08:52 AM
hermionegranger

Quote:

Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Its no wonder you are having problems. Which of the three do you usually listen to?

Go out on regular dates. Tell him the things that interest you & ask him to do them. Guys need you to tell him directly what you want. Don't expect him to guess.

I try to listen to all of me, but usually only one of the three manages to get through. Anywho, we've had a couple of dates lately, but they usually consist of arguments about what do we want to do (next) or where do we want to go with which kind of transport. I've also told him, that I'd like more flowers or other small gifts, but the improvement has been very small. Am I whining too much?
23-06-08, 08:54 AM
Cain

How long have you two been together? And is this just a relationship? Nothing more? How old are you both?
23-06-08, 08:58 AM
IndiReloaded

Quote:

Originally Posted by hermionegranger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I've also told him, that I'd like more flowers or other small gifts, but the improvement has been very small. Am I whining too much?

Well, its what you want. I dunno if you're whining but your obligation to a healthy relationship is to communicate clearly what you'd like.

His job, if he wants to make things better, is to make more of an effort. And perhaps state some of his own needs in return.

We tend to take turns on date nights. Meaning its usually one person's responsibility to decide what & where we are going. The other person's job is to have a good time and not make any judgements (b/c you get your chance next time). You could try that.
23-06-08, 08:58 AM
hermionegranger

Quote:

Originally Posted by lesa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Arousal seems to be the easiest step of sexual intimacy. I wonder what are you guys doing to increase this initial but important phase? Are you psychologically and mentally allowing yourself or are you holding back?

We actually haven't done much to increase this phase, because... I'm too conservative to talk about these things. We have discussed the matter a couple of times, though, but... we haven't made it anywhere. I think... there's a psychological circle here... I've not succeeded previously and when the next time I'm trying, I find myself thinking "it's still not going to work, is it?" and... it's not going to work. I've tried to hold those thoughts back and think happy thoughts, but... that strategy hasn't worked either.
23-06-08, 09:02 AM
hermionegranger

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cain [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

How long have you two been together? And is this just a relationship? Nothing more? How old are you both?

We've been together for a year now. And what do you mean by "just a relationship"? We date, kiss, have sex, visit each other etc. We're both 20 years old.

Quote:

Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

We tend to take turns on date nights. Meaning its usually one person's responsibility to decide what & where we are going. The other person's job is to have a good time and not make any judgements (b/c you get your chance next time). You could try that.

I'll suggest you suggestion to him. :) Thanks.
23-06-08, 09:06 AM
Cain

By just a relationship, I was asking are you two just dating? Are you in a committed relationship? You didn't mention anything about being engaged, so I was assuming it was only a relationship.

How long have you guys been arguing about stupid things? Is this a normal, every day occurrence?

When he tries to have sex with you, is there any foreplay? Is he just going straight for the kill so to speak? If he's trying foreplay and it isn't working, tell him what you like. Talk to him. Tell him what turns you on and what doesn't. If you don't know, then I suggest you find out because your sex life is going to suck if you don't even know what turns you on.
23-06-08, 10:29 PM
hermionegranger

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cain [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

By just a relationship, I was asking are you two just dating? Are you in a committed relationship? You didn't mention anything about being engaged, so I was assuming it was only a relationship.

We're committed to each-other, we have a serious relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cain [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

How long have you guys been arguing about stupid things? Is this a normal, every day occurrence?

We've been arguing about these stupid things for about 2-3 months now. He was studying in a different city and we saw each other only two or three times a month and we argued on the phone, we argued via MSN etc etc. At the moment we're also arguing via MSN whether he should come to my place to discuss our problems or not. We live in different cities, about 60 km apart. And his mother is in a hospital. I told him, that we could also meet on Wednesday, if he couldn't come today, but he wasn't satisfied with coming today or meeting Wednesday. And he told me, he didn't see that I was interested in meeting him. And.. oh, God. He told me that he was "so disturbed because of our discussion yesterday" that he couldn't even talk to his mother in the morning. And it's like he wants to show me, that... his willing to sacrifice his mother for me, but I don't want him to do that. I'm sorry, my sentences aren't probably making any sense, my head is just full of sticks at the moment and Iäm also crying. I don't get him anymore.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cain [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

When he tries to have sex with you, is there any foreplay? Is he just going straight for the kill so to speak? If he's trying foreplay and it isn't working, tell him what you like. Talk to him. Tell him what turns you on and what doesn't. If you don't know, then I suggest you find out because your sex life is going to suck if you don't even know what turns you on.

There is foreplay, but I get bored after 10 minutes and I just want him to do what he wants to do and get it over with. I've tried to tell him what I like, but it's not working... I find myself thinking "is it working? is it working? it's not working, right? nope, it's not working! okay, I give up!" and there goes the fun again. Even when I try to arouse myself alone in my bed at home, it's not working. I get bored and tired and I give up after 5 minutes.
23-06-08, 10:38 PM
DharmicLove

Honestly, honey, I think you should take a break. Take some time to re-evaluate yourself and your relationship to him. You may discover that you miss him, if you really wanted to be with him in the first place. You should begin to feel sexually aroused by him again. Because I hate to tell you my dear, if you're not sexually aroused by him anymore, you may have fallen out of love. Just take some time to yourself, you'll know your answer and what you need to do to progress.
23-06-08, 10:42 PM
shh!

Has it occurred to you that maybe this relationship has just played itself out?

And no - using lube will not solve your arousal problems. Are you able to orgasm by masturbation? The reason I ask is that he will never be able to give you this pleasure until you are able to do it yourself.
24-06-08, 12:08 AM
Cain

It seems like he's not the problem with your sexual problems... it sounds like you are. If you can't even get yourself aroused alone, he's obviously not going to be able to. You might want to look into seeing some kind of a sexual therapist... because there might be something in your subconscious stopping you from enjoying sex...

But like vashti said, this relationship might have burnt out. You haven't even gotten through the honeymoon stage and you're already having constant arguments... and it's been this way for a few months.

I suggest taking a break from each other. Give yourselves some time and see if this relationship can work after some time apart.
24-06-08, 02:53 AM
hermionegranger

Quote:

Originally Posted by DharmicLove [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Honestly, honey, I think you should take a break. Take some time to re-evaluate yourself and your relationship to him. You may discover that you miss him, if you really wanted to be with him in the first place. You should begin to feel sexually aroused by him again. Because I hate to tell you my dear, if you're not sexually aroused by him anymore, you may have fallen out of love. Just take some time to yourself, you'll know your answer and what you need to do to progress.

I don't even know, how should I make him the proposal of taking a short break. And I don't know if I actually could even make the proposal. I care a lot of him and when we're not fighting everything is beautiful. I just wish I had a remote control, that would help me rewind every time an argument is about to raise it's head.

About a month ago I told him that maybe we should take a short break from sex, so that I would eventually WANT to have sex, but... that break didn't last very long, because... well... I wanted sex. But the sex was dry and boring again. :sad2:

Quote:

Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Has it occurred to you that maybe this relationship has just played itself out?

I've considered the possibility that this has happened, but... I don't want it to have happened. and if it has happened, I'm willing to try my best to make it work again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Are you able to orgasm by masturbation?

Well, I used to be able to do that, but lately... not really. I get bored really quick and then i just give up and do something else.

And at the moment... we're not talking to each other. I got really angry at him when after I'd told him, that maybe he should be with his mother today (she's in a hospital) instead of coming here and maybe we should meet on Wednesday, but he didn't like the idea or something, I don't know, he told me that we might aswell meet in august. I'm tired of fighting and I've really been trying the last couple of days not to fight, but he is moody and is snapping things at me and... I just... ended our conversation and switched off my phone. We haven't been talking for 4 hours now, I've turned my phone back on though. I don't know what to do next. I can't call him, because I know he's angry and I don't want another fight. :(
24-06-08, 02:55 AM
Cain

Did you two start fighting before or after the distance? If after, the distance is ruining the relationship and by the looks of it, there's no way in hell you're going to make it through it.
24-06-08, 02:58 AM
hermionegranger

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cain [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Did you two start fighting before or after the distance? If after, the distance is ruining the relationship and by the looks of it, there's no way in hell you're going to make it through it.

We started fighting after the distance. And I've been hoping the whole time that when he'd return everything would go back to normal. But he's been back for a month now and nothing has changed. We're still fighting. During weekdays I live in a city closer to him and we can meet anytime we want and the distance shouldn't bee a problem anymore, but we're still fighting.... :'(
24-06-08, 03:00 AM
Cain

It really looks like it's burnt out. Now you both are just kinda riding on the fumes. You've run out of gas and it's only a matter of time before your car breaks down completely.
24-06-08, 03:28 AM
shh!

Have you started a new form of birth control (the pill, or some variation of it) in the last 6 months or so? It could explain your change in sex drive.
24-06-08, 04:18 AM
lesa

Medications like antidepressants and antihypertensive can cause low sex drive. It sounds to me to be low sex drive because you seem to not get aroused for any reasons, correct? Arousal does not become too difficult like climaxing, etc. Now explore the reasons.
24-06-08, 07:18 AM
Cain

Sex isn't the only problem here, everyone. They can't get along. I think not getting along is a bigger issue than sex at the moment.
24-06-08, 08:03 AM
shh!

Yes, but sex is good for bonding. If there is no bonding going on, that can affect what happens outside the bedroom.
24-06-08, 08:31 AM
Cain

Quote:

Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yes, but sex is good for bonding. If there is no bonding going on, that can affect what happens outside the bedroom.

There ARE other ways to bond. They're going to have to figure those ways out because sex drives are gonna start decreasing as they get older.
24-06-08, 09:19 AM
hermionegranger

I've turned my phone back on, it's been on for about 7-8 hours now, but I haven't even got an SMS from him. I mean... I do think he started the fight and should be apologizing, but as the hours go by, I'm more and more starting to blame myself and considering apologizing myself. I really don't know what to do. I've analyzed everything I said and everything he said and wondering why the situation turned out the way it did, but I haven't found a solution. I'm just trying to get some sleep now and wait until morning and see if anythings going to... change for the better or not.

Quote:

Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Have you started a new form of birth control (the pill, or some variation of it) in the last 6 months or so? It could explain your change in sex drive.

No, we've always been using condoms, because pills have had different side-effects when I've been using them, so a condom is the best option for us (for me).

Quote:

Originally Posted by lesa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Medications like antidepressants and antihypertensive can cause low sex drive. It sounds to me to be low sex drive because you seem to not get aroused for any reasons, correct? Arousal does not become too difficult like climaxing, etc. Now explore the reasons.

Well, I'm not taking any medication and I haven't been taking any antidepressants or other things like that in my life. But I do believe I have a low sex drive, because almost nothing seems to arouse me. I've tried masturbation, I've tried thinking about my boyfriend while at it, I've tried thinking about Johnny Depp :), I've tried watching pornography, but nothing seems to be working...

I think that sex problems are causing our fights and also vice versa, so it's like a vicious circle we can't get out of... :(
24-06-08, 09:52 AM
Mish

Quote:

Originally Posted by hermionegranger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Everything is has been going downhill lately. It's like we've grown apart or something. We argue about small insignificant details every day... And though I'm telling myself that we shouldn't argue this much and that I should not force so many matters into arguments, the arguments still happen.

Arguments are very important in a relationship imo, but it all depends on how you argue. There are different styles of arguing and sharing of opinion. Some styles are very productive, they open up communication, nurture the relationship and help it grow. Other styles are destructive, volatile and malicious, they destroy the relationship. An interesting test to find out which style you use is stop next time you are having an argument and think for a second. Does this argument have a lot of criticism, a lot of defensiveness, a lot of contempt. Is this an intimidation type of argument where one party needs to win at the cost of another one loosing. If it is then it's most likely a destructive style that's being used and what's needed is to change the style of the argument into a mutually supportive one. One that aims at win / win as solution. It doesn't matter how many arguments you have if they are mutually supportive. You will enjoy them and they will help you grow.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hermionegranger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm also bored. We don't do as much things together as we used to. And our sex-life is also complicated. I have arousal problems - I just don't feel anything when he touches me. Well, I can't say that I don't feel ANYTHING, I do feel that I love him and that I care for him, but I don't feel aroused, I won't get wet and our sex is dry. I've never had an orgasm with him. He is trying, but after 10 minutes I just give up.

A lot of sex issues are very fixable and most likely yours is as well. You posted that you have a conservative attitude about sex, could it be that your conservative attitude (How I understand it is non willingness to talk about sexual issues openly and try new things) is interferring with your sexual enjoyment? If it is then you will have to find a way to break out of this mind set. You have to be able to communicate your feelings, your wants and needs to your partner and experiment until you find a solution that works for you. A lot of information is avlaible on issues of dryness, arousal problems, techniques even complicated issues like vaginismus but they are all solvable if you are willing to put your mind to it. Read up as much as you can, experiment and try new things. If all else fails go to a sex therapist. This is for you. Even if you change partners in the future you still need to learn how to solve this problem.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hermionegranger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Me, myself and I are giving up, because I don't feel anything, I might find myself thinking about a bar of chocolate on the table or what are we going to eat for breakfast or what classes I have the next day.

Focus may give you clarity. This is not different to any other life situation. If you left your thoughts drift while you're doing tasks at work you as well will find yourself having problems.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hermionegranger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I was thinking... If maybe we'd just start over, go on a first date, do something fun together, act like we didn't know each other, learn new things about one another. I told him about my idea, but he didn't like it very much. He admits we have a problem, but... he doesn't think it's the right way to solve it. What do you think?

Role playing could be good. I think the main idea is to enjoy yourself with your partner. Avoid criticism and blame. Look for positive solutions that benefit both of you. Have fun. Be open to experiemntation and new things both in the bedroom and outside. Think about how you contribute to the problem first before making any accusations. Use the art of persuasion to get him on your side.