Advice for cheating spouse

Hi, i'm a college student and my boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years. I spent the summer at the beach this year and ended up going to a party with my coworkers and friends. I got pretty drunk and made out with one of my friends. I just barely remember it, but we both discussed it afterward and both felt guilty. I told my boyfriend a few days later and explained the situation. I apologized profusely, and told him that i loved him very much. He told me he had to think about things and hasn't talked to me since. I tried talking to him tonight and he told me to leave him alone.

I don't know what to do! I have never done anything like this before. I have had previous boyfriends cheat on me, but i never ever strayed. What can i do to help the situation or to help our relationship? I am desperate!

Where does the spouse come into play? Is the friend you were kissing a married person?

How long ago did you tell him? You probably need to let him be for a few weeks.

Two years is quite long for a relationship between people so young... he may come back, he may not. If you're desperate enough to earn his trust back, it's a looooooooooooong unhappy road. He probably will be bothered by you hanging out with friends for a good while. You'll have to show him that you're worth trusting, and be very careful to never let that kind of crap happen again.... in other words, no heavy drinking.

Those are things you'll have to talk to your boyfriend about, though, if he decides to give you a chance.

I think your boyfriend is a turd. You got drunk and did a little kissing. I can understand how that would upset him but it's really not that big of a deal, especially considering you worked up the courage to come clean.

Don't feel bad about it.

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Originally Posted by Gribble [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think your boyfriend is a turd. You got drunk and did a little kissing. I can understand how that would upset him but it's really not that big of a deal, especially considering you worked up the courage to come clean.

Don't feel bad about it.

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I agree, Grib. BUT, I think I'd want to know why she did it. Is there an attraction b/t her & her friend still? What is going on w/them & how can she guarantee it wont happen again?

This wasn't a friendly peck. It sounds like they made out.

Ya, he's an asshole because she cheated on him. He doesn't deserve to feel the way he feels right now. :tough:

I don't think he's an asshole, he doesn't even want to bother himself with you anymore. You cheated on him. Hell it could be a hell of a lot worse, he could be ****ing pissed off at you. I think he deserves to be left alone.

He deserves to decide what he wants to do. You made a bad choice, whether or not you were drunk there is only one person to blame, you. Don't blame the alcohol, that's the sorriest excuse ever. I hate it when people blame their stupid decisions on alcohol...it's not like the alcohol forced you to drink it.

Like anachronistic said, if he does decide to take you back expect a lot of changes. For starters, no more getting drunk/partying without him. Second, guy friends...you're not going going to be with them when he's not there. Even still, he's probably going to end up feeling jealous about you even talking to them and being friends with them. If he does permit you to do be friends with them, he'll probably start to wonder if you're doing stuff with them, are you cheating on him again? Which will lead to big problems. You'll get frustrated with that and both of you will just get frustrated with each other and it will more than likely end. Of course this isn't true for everyone, but almost always happens. So don't be surprised.

You're probably wondering, why? Well you cheated, you showed him what you're capable of. Whether or not you will do it again there's always going to be that bit of doubt in the back of his mind for a LONG time. You broke that trust he had for you. It's going to take A LOT of effort on your part to gain his trust back if he does take you back.

To be honest, any guy that would take back a girl that cheated on him is a sad loser with no self respect.

He's a turd because she cheated? Sorry, but if he just forgives this easily then what's the next thing going to be? I'm sick of hearing the "I got so wasted that I don't remember what happened" excuse. It's bullshit. If you know you turn into a tramp when you drink, don't drink around guys. It's not that difficult. Cheating shouldn't happen because you should never put yourself in the position to cheat.

Sorry, but the only way I'd forgive my girl for kissing another guy is if we were married or had a child.

To be honest, it depends on what kind of person your boyfriend is; there's the kind like Gribble that'd tolerate crap to a certain extent, there's the kind like Cain and Joe who absolutely will not give you a second chance, and then there's the kind like me;

If something like this happened with my girlfriend, I'd be pretty upset. Anyone would. I would most certainly think about it; I'd assess the whole relationship; if it weren't very long, 3-4 months for example, I'd break up with her and not even waste my time on it. But if it were two years, like in your case piratewench, I would think about it. I'd reconsider any memorable issues, and I would scale the good and the bad. If the good outweighed the bad to a substantial amount, then I'd ask myself how honest you had been with me; I'm someone that remembers every single lie that someone proclaimed to me. Any little white lies, any tricky behavior, any suspicions I had, I will recall. When it comes to those kinds of things, I say 3 strikes you're out (if you cheat) But if not, I'd need to sit and think about it for 2 weeks - this would also be a test to see how loyal she is; anything stupid that happens with her during that two or more weeks, I kick her ass out the door. But after the two weeks are up, we would have a talk. We'd talk about the situation, calmly and collectively.

For someone like me, who is pretty insecure by default, it is difficult to earn trust back. But I believe in forgiveness because everybody makes mistakes, and some mistakes can be understood. And damnit, if anyone ever gives you a second chance at a friendship, a relationship, or ANYTHING, you better thank your fcuking lucky stars. Because if someone gives you a chance to start over, that means they think you realize your mistake, and although you hurt them to an extent which they themselves can't even measure, because they don't think you'll do it again, they know it's going to be miserable for a while, but they've decided to deal with the pain for you. And to walk out on such love is so foolish and ungrateful. They're calling you out. The spot light is on you.

It would be a long, difficult road just to build the relationship back up to the way it was. I've been down that road. I've walked down a 20 mile road in hot weather.. ; no comparison. But if you've got what it takes, then you can do it. I couldn't do it... and I have a pretty persistent character. The person who gives up is usually the person that cheated... sometimes the innocent person realizes that they can't do that and the relationship is no longer feasible.

But good luck to you. I've never cheated on anyone, but I really do have compassion for honest people; there is not a more despicable person than one who lies to the one(s) they 'love'. If anything saves you, it will be that - and by a thread.

Hopefully your boyfriend's got what it takes to strengthen the relationship. If anything, this would make it much stronger, if you've actually realized your mistakes. Sometimes people just keep lying and lying. That's not meant to be.

[ame="http://youtube.com/watch?v=fMRi-gFeK-M"]YouTube - Pulp Fiction Ending Scene (Diner)[/ame]

Cheating, at least as I define it, involves a little more than kissing. She made out with another guy. It's kind of lame. He should be pissed. Ultimately, though, it's a pretty minor thing and she confessed to him. Had he found out on his own I might feel differently.

Really, you people are such prudes.

It all depends on how the individual sees it.
If there was anything between her and the friend, even just extra friendliness, or something to make the bf think there was something going on ... this would probably be the deal breaker.

If there was absolutely nothing to worry about during those 2 years and she has been faithful in all ways, I guess it could be forgiven - though not without a talk.

It also depends on the definition of 'make out'. Some people think an extended kiss is making out, others see it as a tad more.

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Originally Posted by Gribble [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Cheating, at least as I define it, involves a little more than kissing. She made out with another guy. It's kind of lame. He should be pissed. Ultimately, though, it's a pretty minor thing and she confessed to him. Had he found out on his own I might feel differently.

Really, you people are such prudes.

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I am curious, what exactly is your definition of cheating? I do agree with you to some extent... but everybody is entitled to their own opinion after all.

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Originally Posted by miSSleepy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It all depends on how the individual sees it.
If there was anything between her and the friend, even just extra friendliness, or something to make the bf think there was something going on ... this would probably be the deal breaker.

If there was absolutely nothing to worry about during those 2 years and she has been faithful in all ways, I guess it could be forgiven - though not without a talk.

It also depends on the definition of 'make out'. Some people think an extended kiss is making out, others see it as a tad more.

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You basically just reiterated everything I just said.

Genital contact would probably fit the bill.

But to be perfectly honest, the only thing that would really get to me is if she loved another guy. That, to me, is cheating. All the other stuff, meh... I really don't care.

You must not have any insecurities; after being cheated on after a 3 year relationship, I wouldn't put up with anything, because all that shit gives it away; I now think that if someone cheats on you, then they have developed feelings for someone else. Any feelings other than mere physical attraction really do bother me. If a girlfriend made out with some other guy, I'd begin to think that she's trying to get with someone else; a plan B if you would.

But this girl came clean... that's why I'd consider a second chance. - That's where I agree with you.

OK to clear up some of the questions/issues here....

My boyfriend and i have been in a very happily commited 2 year relationship. We were with each other almost every day except for this summer, when i decided to work down at the beach for the summer, and he stayed home. He visited me once, but then did not want to come down again despite my begging - not blaming him, just saying. We got into petty arguments and weren't getting along very well. I'd call him on the phone, and he'd answer everything i said with silence or an 'mmhmm' - it seemed to me like he didn't even want to try. I got mad at him one day and asked him why he was still with me if he wasn't going to put effort into the relationship since at that point it was a temporary long distance relationship. He wouldn't answer my question. We didn't talk for a week, and that's when i went to the party. I normally never drink, but i had had a really bad day at work and decided to get wasted - supid decision i know. A guy was there that i was friends with, but knew i had a boyfriend. I was pretty drunk when we took a walk outside and i don't know who started it, but we ended up kissing with tongues for a minute or two, before my common sense kicked in. We both knew it was wrong and i actually sobered up immediately.

I considered keeping it to myself because i didn't think it was that bad, but my boyfriend called me the next day and was so nice to me, telling me that he bought me something online and how much he misses me etc. I broke down and told him then and he hasn't talked to me since.

I just don't know what to do... :-(

OH and there was no spouse. I should have put partner instead.

Oh and i have no feelings for my friend. I actually remember thinking at the time that he was my boyfriend and was confused, then horrified afterward. My friend and i have discussed things since then and we are both very sorry and regretful. I just don't know what i can do or say to help the situation. I want to save our relationship because i really do love him. I just don't know what to do.

I think you're walking on thin ice then... although what you did, isn't making out in my opinion

Don't do it again.

The following is advice for when you were with your boyfriend:

I think you were expecting your boyfriend to visit you and call you - be your "Prince Charming". Most guys aren't like that, unfortunately. They do not like being expected to live up to the standards of fairy tale characters. It puts pressure on them. You wanted to see him and spend time with him, which is normal. It's your way of keeping a relationship alive. Maybe he doesn't think the same way. Maybe he still loves you but doesn't need the constant attention or communication to be validated.

I can understand why you felt that your boyfriend seemed like he didn't care as much as you did. It could be misunderstanding. Try to work something out. If you're the one that wants to talk to him, expect that you'll be doing most of the talking. Try not to make him stay on the phone for longer than he wants because it may only make him more annoyed and not want to talk on the phone again for a while. If you want to see him, make a trip to his place. It's okay to be the one who takes initiative if you know that he loves you.

Moving on...
You can try to repair this relationship, but he'd have to be very trusting to forgive you. He'd have to fully believe that you actually had no feelings for your friend. It would be tough.

If this doesn't work out, take it as a lesson learned.

If there was no way your boyfriend could have possibly found out you should have kept it to yourself. Assuming this was an isolated incident, a single error in judgment never to be repeated again, nothing good could possibly have come from your confession. Telling him served only to hurt him.

Keep that in mind. The righteous thing to do isn't always the right thing to do.

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Originally Posted by anachronistic [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You must not have any insecurities...

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No. I just really don't care. Diseases are always a concern, but I try only to date intelligent women with an abundance of self respect. To me sex is ridiculously insignificant. There are concerns associated with it, but aside from pregnancy and VD sex is a lot like a massage. Just something that feels good. Anything more is pure bullshit.

We all make mistakes, so don't beat yourself up over it. At least you didn't let it get any further. I would take this opportunity to ask yourself why you let this happen. Was it really a drunken mistake or was it acting out from resentment at your bf for not coming to visit you? And I sense some resentment towards him from your second post.

Either way, give him some time. He might be angry at you for a while. You betrayed his trust in you, so give him a break if he doesn't come around right away. My advice is to not do anything. You apologized and told him it wouldn't happen again, right? The ball is now in his court. Just make sure you don't blame him for your mistake.

I have to agree with the people who feel your B/F is rightly hurt and angry, and I wouldn't be surprised if he calls it quits. Whether silly or not, most males are very territorial and would not tolerate this kind of behavior. I also agree with Gribble that you should have kept this incident to yourself if you were sure it wasn't going to happen again. You made your guilt HIS problem... big mistake.

Gribble, I'm having a hard time understanding how you could be fine with your gf having sex with another man. You say the only thing that would for sure get to you is her loving another man. You wouldn't break up with her if she had sex with other men while with you?...

I'll go ahead and speak on my opinion a little more, as it kind of agrees with LW. If I was dating a girl for a short time, I wouldn't even consider being with her past this incident. If we were together for a few years, then I might let it go. I'm trying to think of how I'd react in my current relationship and it's hard. I'm absolutely in love with my gf, but I have a hard time thinking I wouldn't break it off simply because in the back of my mind I'd wonder if she was doing it again or if it had ever gone farther. The trust wouldn't be there and I think trust is one of the most important things in any relationship.

Cheating, to me, is physical. Though, I admit that cheating can also be emotional. Physical cheating includes kissing in my opinion. If you don't consider it cheating, you can't be mad if your gf kisses other guys when she feels like it. That's not the kind of relationship I want to be in. Likewise, I have a hard time trusting women completely and because of that, I've never stayed in a relationship very long. It wasn't until I met my current girlfriend that I finally gave full trust to because she just isn't that kind of girl, so I agree with what Gribble says about finding a girl that won't do these kinds of things.

OP, your bf has every right to be mad. Even if I was going to take my gf back, it'd be AT LEAST a week before I talked to her again. I'd need time to cool off. Also, I think your male friend is a pig for doing it in the first place, and if I were your bf and I did take you back, you would never be allowed to speak to that friend again. Not because I'd want to control you, but because he obviously doesn't have respect for your relationship because he knew you were in one and kissed you anyways.

Piratewench, it sounds like all you've done is confess and ask for forgiveness. Have you really conveyed how appalled you are with yourself? have you made any effort to show him that this would never, ever happen again?

Some guys might be willing to give you a second chance, but only if you show you really want it. So he doesn't want to talk to you- tell mutual friends that this thing is ripping you to shreds and let him hear about it. Write him the most heartfelt letter ever written in the history of cheating girlfriends and read it out loud to him at three in the morning under his window or something. Take charge!

At least you'll have tried. Hopefully you have a nicer boyfriend than I would be in his place. If my man made out with someone else, I'd drop him like a hot rock.

Well now that you've explained the situation a little better. I think you are deserving of a chance. But the problem is, he probably is going to have trouble trusting you and believing that you didn't have feelings for this guy.

Honestly, if you were my girlfriend you'd be gone. I won't tolerate any cheating. Even if you won't do it again and you don't have feelings for the guy. How can you prove that to me? If it's something you wouldn't do in front of me, it's cheating.

You screwed up, this whole situation is in his hands now. I honestly hope you learned your lesson though, because it really sucks to be on the receiving end of it all. Your boyfriend is probably going through hell right now. It's sad, but you more than likely threw your relationship with this guy away.

Take this as a lesson, never cheat again, and stop drinking, you clearly aren't capable of controlling yourself when you're drunk.

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Originally Posted by 1averagejoe [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

... and stop drinking, you clearly aren't capable of controlling yourself when you're drunk.

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Yeah, what he said. Being drunk is no excuse, and if you use it as one, you get your boozebag card taken away.

Put it to you this way, Cain, the only girl I've ever actively dated longer than a month was polyamorous. I really, truly just do not care.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Write him the most heartfelt letter ever written in the history of cheating girlfriends and read it out loud to him at three in the morning under his window or something.

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Aww that would be so cute :)

This song comes to mind

It's a question of lust
It's a question of trust
It's a question of not
letting what we've built up crumble to dust
It's all of these things and more, that keep us together

[ame="http://youtube.com/watch?v=lvGzKjVS044&feature=related"]http://youtube.com/watch?v=lvGzKjVS044&feature=related[/ame]

It's question of trust for him. He needs to think if he can trust you. Whether you are worthy of trust is not the question, it's whether he thinks you are worthy of his trust that will matter. You guys had been having problems, that will probably add weight to his decision. I'm not sure what you can do to help piratewench. Can you chase away all his fears and make him trust? If not, the little acts of kindness, never hurt anyone.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Write him the most heartfelt letter ever written in the history of cheating girlfriends and read it out loud to him at three in the morning under his window or something. Take charge!

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If I wanted time to myself and she showed up to my window reading out loud at three in the freaking morning I would be f'n pissed. I'd probably open my window, say stfu and if she didn't leave, threaten to call the cops for disturbance of peace.

I take the little amount of sleep I get seriously. My phone is off when I go to sleep for a reason. If I ain't picking it up, what makes you think I'll want you over at my house where I can't ignore you?

Hey but that's just me. Some guys would find it sweet that she went out of her wait at such an hour to read something like that. It does show that she's trying...but it could be taken that she's desperate.