confused about bf of 6 yrs.

Hi. Ive been with my bf for almost 6yrs now. Hes a really nice guy and we get along well. Im ready for marriage. When I bring this up, he tells me to wait for him to be financially stable first. I feel like Ive waited a long, long time. Im currently abroad and I asked him to be with me and to try earning a living where I am. My thinking is: together we can save faster and more. He keeps saying hell think about it.

Do you think hell ever want to marry me?
Do I have a future with this guy?

Thanks!

It's very normal for a guy want to be financially stable before getting married. Also, maybe he doesn't want to live abroad? I know that I wouldn't want to move out of the US...

You may have been together for 6 years, but if you started dating at 15, you would still be too young to marry.

How old are you both, and why are you living in separate countries? And for how long is that going to last?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by anodyne [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hi. Ive been with my bf for almost 6yrs now. Hes a really nice guy and we get along well. Im ready for marriage. When I bring this up, he tells me to wait for him to be financially stable first. I feel like Ive waited a long, long time. Im currently abroad and I asked him to be with me and to try earning a living where I am. My thinking is: together we can save faster and more. He keeps saying hell think about it.

Do you think hell ever want to marry me?
Do I have a future with this guy?

Thanks!

---

Yeah I think we need more details. Does he not work where he's living? Why are the two of you spending time apart and how long has it been this way? Are you in love with him? (I'm assuming you are since you want to marry him, but at the end of your post you almost seem lukewarm towards him)

I don't know if you have a future with this guy because I don't know him and I don't know your situation.

It depends on how old you two are
what your financial situation actually is
the feasibility of him actually working with you etc

His views on marriage: you both may want each other and value your relationship equally. However, whereas you see marriage as something essential to your future, he may not and will therefore want higher-priority (in his opinion) stability first ... like money.
This is why it's important you DISCUSS this with him, instead of demanding marriage.

Hi everyone, thank you for the insights. Forgive the lack of information in my thread starter.

Okay, Im 29 hes 26. The reason for my going abroad is: lets just say we come from a country where there is economic difficulty so people ususally go to another country to earn a living, save, then go back home to start a business or invest.

Thats my situation. I have been working abroad for 3 years now. I go home regularly to see him. The reason I invite over him to where I am is because I know he can earn better here than in our country. Im not asking him to leave totally because I also plan to go home after maybe 2 more years (as soon as I get enough capital for something I plan to do). He doesnt like the country where I am now. So last year, I gave up my career to give him a chance at his country of choice. We didnt achieve much there so I decided to go back here.

Hes back home lounging around, doing nothing much. He keeps saying he has a business of some sort but I havent seen fruits of his so-called endeavours. He still relies on his mother for cash at times.

I just feel like, I have sacrificed so much. Ive put him before me all the time. All I need is a little assurance that I have a future with him -- if any at all. So yes, I am lukewarm about it now.

I was really hesitant to give the details because I didnt want to embarrass him. But I guess no one will see the bigger picture without them.


:upset: Im losing hope in him and in the relationship. I asked for some space from him. Am I doing the right thing? Because, i still love him.

Thanks for all your time...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by anodyne [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hi everyone, thank you for the insights. Forgive the lack of information in my thread starter.

Okay, Im 29 hes 26. The reason for my going abroad is: lets just say we come from a country where there is economic difficulty so people ususally go to another country to earn a living, save, then go back home to start a business or invest.

Thats my situation. I have been working abroad for 3 years now. I go home regularly to see him. The reason I invite over him to where I am is because I know he can earn better here than in our country. Im not asking him to leave totally because I also plan to go home after maybe 2 more years (as soon as I get enough capital for something I plan to do). He doesnt like the country where I am now. So last year, I gave up my career to give him a chance at his country of choice. We didnt achieve much there so I decided to go back here.

Hes back home lounging around, doing nothing much. He keeps saying he has a business of some sort but I havent seen fruits of his so-called endeavours. He still relies on his mother for cash at times.

I just feel like, I have sacrificed so much. Ive put him before me all the time. All I need is a little assurance that I have a future with him -- if any at all. So yes, I am lukewarm about it now.

I was really hesitant to give the details because I didnt want to embarrass him. But I guess no one will see the bigger picture without the them.


:upset: Im losing hope in him and in the relationship. I asked for some space from him. Am I doing the right thing? Because, i still love him.

Thanks for all your time...

---

I think you're doing the right thing by asking for some space. You are doing all the work in the relationship and he is just coasting along. You gave up your career for him. That in and of itself is a HUGE sacrifice. At this point, you don't need a little assurance, you need ALOT, and he's not giving you any. Honestly, there might be someone out there who could be alot more reciprocal of your efforts.

How did he feel about you asking for space?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by starbuck [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think you're doing the right thing by asking for some space. You are doing all the work in the relationship and he is just coasting along. You gave up your career for him. That in and of itself is a HUGE sacrifice. At this point, you don't need a little assurance, you need ALOT, and he's not giving you any. Honestly, there might be someone out there who could be alot more reciprocal of your efforts.

How did he feel about you asking for space?

---

Hi Starbuck,

Well, he said he doesnt like the idea. But I insisted because you know, secretly, Im just not that happy anymore. I dont remember the last time I was happy with him. For some reason, Im confused, doubtful, and extremely exhausted.

I couldnt talk about it to our friends and family back home because theyre all expecting us to end up together. Which is why I had to join this forum. I like the anonymity and the unbiased opinions I get from the forum members.

If you were in my shoes would you end the relationship?

I would reconsider marrying him... His employment history alone would make me pause, but combined with what looks like a poor work ethic? That is a deal-breaker for me. I wouldn't waste any more of my time if I were in your shoes. This doesn't sound like a good investment of your energy.

don't marry this lazy person. do him and yourself a favor and let him deal with his own stuff. it's hard enough for one person to take care of themselves nowadays.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by anodyne [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hi Starbuck,

Well, he said he doesnt like the idea. But I insisted because you know, secretly, Im just not that happy anymore. I dont remember the last time I was happy with him. For some reason, Im confused, doubtful, and extremely exhausted.

I couldnt talk about it to our friends and family back home because theyre all expecting us to end up together. Which is why I had to join this forum. I like the anonymity and the unbiased opinions I get from the forum members.

If you were in my shoes would you end the relationship?

---

Yes I would. There are plenty of guys out there who will give you more of a commitment, and will back up words with actions. You are young and have plenty of time to find one.

Your current man sounds like he wants to coast along in his easy, slothful life, where he doesn't have to deal with the responsibilities that come with a committed relationship. This sounds like a guy who doesn't really want to grow up just yet, and obviously this characteristic suits him just fine, but is leaving you with the very short end of the stick. Two weeks ago I broke up with a guy like this so I know how you feel. I dumped him, and completely cut off contact with him so as not to backtrack. Do I still think about him sometimes? Of course. But everday it gets easier and easier. I have no doubt that I made the right decision, and the hurt will be temporary.

Good luck!

Oh man, I feel really bad for her BF. For all we know he really does want to just get things more settled or maybe even is planning a proposal now. Everyone on this forum always assumes the worst of everyone lol. I guess that 6 years is the limit than ladies?

Thanks again everyone...

Secretly Ive always known what should be done. I just couldnt make the step to it. 6 years is a long time and a lot of memories and effort. Its not going to be easy for sure. But the first step is always the hardest, after that Im sure itll get easier...

I guess its also good Im far away. It should help me from going back impulsively...

So to broken hearts, failed expectations, dimming hopes, I will ponder more and drink on this tonight!

Cheers ladies! =)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Only-virgins [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh man, I feel really bad for her BF. For all we know he really does want to just get things more settled or maybe even is planning a proposal now. Everyone on this forum always assumes the worst of everyone lol. I guess that 6 years is the limit than ladies?

---

I know for sure hes not planning a proposal. Its true though that he wants to be sure before he commits, but its taking forever. He doesnt even have a job and not doing anythig much to get one... sigh.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Only-virgins [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh man, I feel really bad for her BF. For all we know he really does want to just get things more settled or maybe even is planning a proposal now. Everyone on this forum always assumes the worst of everyone lol. I guess that 6 years is the limit than ladies?

---

That's probably what her boyfriend says to her, too. But then he never follows through with actions. We don't have to assume the worst. He's proven it all on his own from what the OP has said.

Is she supposed to wait 10 years to find out that he's never going to change?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Only-virgins [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh man, I feel really bad for her BF. For all we know he really does want to just get things more settled or maybe even is planning a proposal now.

---

You know, even HE may believe this, but considering her age and his lack of productivity, I'd say she's wasted enough time. If she keeps on hanging around, she will find herself very possibly married, but supporting this guy in 5 years, and perhaps unable to afford having babies.

Hang tough, anodyne! You are doing the right thing (unless you WANT to support him forever).

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'd say she's wasted enough time.

---

You women and your "wasting time". I will never understand this. It still makes me sad that it all sounds so much like a business arrangement.

Not enough info to decide if you are really wasting your time Anodyne.

Interesting name, btw--your profession or wishful thinking for this forum?

I'm confused about a couple of things, you are from Tokyo but are there trying to make $$$? Tokyo is VERY expensive.

His not having a productive job is a concern. As for the rest, have you explicitly told him you are concerned where the relationship is going (or not)? I was with my husband for 5 years before we got married, in our late 20s (we were finishing school), so its not the time so much as the circumstances & general 'feel' as to the future of your relationship that you should consider.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Only-virgins [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You women and your "wasting time". I will never understand this. It still makes me sad that it all sounds so much like a business arrangement.

---

She's 29. Age eventually becomes a factor if a woman plans to have a family. You should know this.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She's 29. Age eventually becomes a factor if a woman plans to have a family. You should know this.

---

Not even death itself can put a time constraint on me. Women should just learn how to live and go with the flow.

It's true enough that men don't have to worry about the biological clocks. This doesn't mean women don't have to, though...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It's true enough that men don't have to worry about the biological clocks. This doesn't mean women don't have to, though...

---

This only ends up putting a time constraint on men though. Honestly, if all women are so bent on trying to find somebody earlier and get married in their twenties for sure what are my chances of find a great looking woman who wants to have fun, isn't taking care of kids, and isn't some divorced walking bag of disturbed emotions at my age of 25...better yet...when I am 27...and than 29..?...those are just around the corner. It might bug me, of course if I actually cared enough...but the thing is that it really forces people to make drastic decisions quickly and early...to early sometimes.

I really hope that this girl on this thread after she leaves this boyfriend doesn't end up being stuck with some abusive guy or worse...alone...cause I know how some women hate that.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Only-virgins [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This only ends up putting a time constraint on men though. Honestly, if all women are so bent on trying to find somebody earlier and get married in their twenties for sure what are my chances of find a great looking woman who wants to have fun, isn't taking care of kids, and isn't some divorced walking bag of disturbed emotions at my age of 25...better yet...when I am 27...and than 29..?...those are just around the corner. It might bug me, of course if I actually cared enough...but the thing is that it really forces people to make drastic decisions quickly and early...to early sometimes.

I really hope that this girl on this thread after she leaves this boyfriend doesn't end up being stuck with some abusive guy or worse...alone...cause I know how some women hate that.

---

Not all women are looking to get married in their twenties. In the U.S., more and more are waiting until their thirties so they can focus on their careers. This is a statistical trend from what I've read.

The bottom line is that the OP's boyfriend wasn't meeting HER needs. They weren't even living together, and she was unhappy and fed up. She had given this guy more time than alot of women would. His time was up, and after six years he had plenty of it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Only-virgins [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This only ends up putting a time constraint on men though. Honestly, if all women are so bent on trying to find somebody earlier and get married in their twenties for sure what are my chances of find a great looking woman who wants to have fun, isn't taking care of kids, and isn't some divorced walking bag of disturbed emotions at my age of 25...better yet...when I am 27...and than 29..?....

---

I don't think everyone is looking to get married in their 20s, but certainly if they are approaching their 30s and assuming they WANT a family, they are less likely to hang around wasting their time. It's a simple biological reality we are dealing with. Sorry that bugs you, but I'm sure you'll find someone.

Everybody wants different things, OV. I'm sure you'll find plenty of women in their late 20s and early 30s that just want to have fun, but some women want families and they don't want to wait until they are in their 30s to do it... my gf being one of them. And I'm fine with that. I don't want to be in my 30s when I start either. Everyone has their own preferences.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Not enough info to decide if you are really wasting your time Anodyne.

Interesting name, btw--your profession or wishful thinking for this forum?

I'm confused about a couple of things, you are from Tokyo but are there trying to make $$$? Tokyo is VERY expensive.

His not having a productive job is a concern. As for the rest, have you explicitly told him you are concerned where the relationship is going (or not)? I was with my husband for 5 years before we got married, in our late 20s (we were finishing school), so its not the time so much as the circumstances & general 'feel' as to the future of your relationship that you should consider.

---

as for my name: well yeah wishful thinking and maybe i could be 'that' someone in need.

tokyo can be expensive. but its a lot like NY. if you earn a living here then its all relative. :D

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Only-virgins [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This only ends up putting a time constraint on men though. Honestly, if all women are so bent on trying to find somebody earlier and get married in their twenties for sure what are my chances of find a great looking woman who wants to have fun, isn't taking care of kids, and isn't some divorced walking bag of disturbed emotions at my age of 25...better yet...when I am 27...and than 29..?...those are just around the corner. It might bug me, of course if I actually cared enough...but the thing is that it really forces people to make drastic decisions quickly and early...to early sometimes.

I really hope that this girl on this thread after she leaves this boyfriend doesn't end up being stuck with some abusive guy or worse...alone...cause I know how some women hate that.

---

I never intended to force my bf into anything, its just that weve been together 6 years, where else should it go?