im moving, she is freaking out

wanted to get others perspective on this. i met my g/f and we've been dating for 11 months. I have a good bond with her and her four children. I recently accepted a job offer in another state California (30+ hours away). We agreed that I would go and that she and the kids would come in 4-6 months but lately she has been freaking out on me. Its like she is extremely worried that I am going to go and forget about her. My thinking is that 4-6 months will allow us to save more and not be so pinched when she comes and is job searching. My new job pays a nice salary but the cost of living in the new area is 3X higher than where we live now. What can I do to help her see my view on this and how can i get her to not think im going to meet someone else and forget her?

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Originally Posted by dom4400 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

wanted to get others perspective on this. i met my g/f and we've been dating for 11 months. I have a good bond with her and her four children. I recently accepted a job offer in another state California (30+ hours away). We agreed that I would go and that she and the kids would come in 4-6 months but lately she has been freaking out on me. Its like she is extremely worried that I am going to go and forget about her. My thinking is that 4-6 months will allow us to save more and not be so pinched when she comes and is job searching. My new job pays a nice salary but the cost of living in the new area is 3X higher than where we live now. What can I do to help her see my view on this and how can i get her to not think im going to meet someone else and forget her?

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Aside from reassuring her, there's not much you can do. This is her own insecurities that are working against her right now. Plus, without you, she'll be struggling to take care of those same four kids.

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Originally Posted by Cain [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Aside from reassuring her, there's not much you can do. This is her own insecurities that are working against her right now. Plus, without you, she'll be struggling to take care of those same four kids.

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She has no problem taking care of the kids when i leave. Her current job pays well and she was taking care of them before she met me. Also, even though I am at her place *alot*. We have seperate places currently. When we relocate, we will be living together. The concern of money and finances comes from me when we move to the new area and me thinking it would be much better to have a nice savings to give her time to look for a new job.

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Originally Posted by dom4400 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She has no problem taking care of the kids when i leave. Her current job pays well and she was taking care of them before she met me. Also, even though I am at her place *alot*. We have seperate places currently. When we relocate, we will be living together. The concern of money and finances comes from me when we move to the new area and me thinking it would be much better to have a nice savings to give her time to look for a new job.

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Well, the most you can do is set her down and assure her that you want to be with her and only her.

Does she have any reason to believe you'd move on?

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Originally Posted by Cain [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, the most you can do is set her down and assure her that you want to be with her and only her.

Does she have any reason to believe you'd move on?

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None at all. Im going to continue trying to reassure her that there is nothing to worry about.

While it might not be as much of a problem for a solid long-term relationship you have to realize that with 4-6 months separated it will by the end of it mean that you will have spent 1/3 of your relationship over a long distance. And if you move to a new city and meet new people at a new job I can't blame her for worrying that you will end up finding someone you're into. As said, you can only attempt to reassure her that it won't happen, and if it not sufficient, compromise. Perhaps a shorter time to shift? Or arrange for somewhat regular visits for them to see their future home?

You probably know how to work out the finances, but don't risk relationship you want to commit to just in order to up the lifestyle.

By the way, you DO need to worry about this relationship. An LDR is extremely difficult and relationships that last years can be destroyed in an LDR. It will take extra work from both of you to make it work.

I agree with Cain and Lipp.
Do you really have to work that far?
Let's say you manage an LDR for 4-6 months, and then her children don't want to move, change their schools and leave their friends, what will you do? How old are her children? Who helps her with them? For her it would be easier not to move away, simply because where she's living now she must be having some help with children (from her mother, other family, friends). My las line is based on an assumption that she lives in or very near her hometown.

Perhaps you would ease her insecurities if you asked her to marry you.

4 kids? are they yours? god damn why be such a tool?

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Originally Posted by dom4400 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What can I do to help her see my view on this and how can i get her to not think im going to meet someone else and forget her?

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Nothing

You must first see and understand her point of view before you can convince her

Do you see and understand her point of view? What sacrifices are you prepared to make to ease her worries?

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Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Perhaps you would ease her insecurities if you asked her to marry you.

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Well, considering he's wanting her to move over there with him eventually, I would hope that marriage is in his plans with her, so I actually like this idea.

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Originally Posted by Only-virgins [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

4 kids? are they yours? god damn why be such a tool?

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Meh, if he's in his twenties or thirties, then I can agree with the shock of him being with her... however, if he's in his forties, I don't see this as a problem. Just because someone has kids doesn't mean they are doomed to be alone. Maybe he actually likes those kids?

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Originally Posted by Cain [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, considering he's wanting her to move over there with him eventually, I would hope that marriage is in his plans with her, so I actually like this idea.

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Well, it's kind of a no-brainer. I wouldn't dream of moving my four babies to another state, away from my job and all sources of emotional support with some guy I wasn't even married to...

If you love the girl and all her kids, marry her.

I don't blame her for freaking. A long distance relationship probably isn't what she signed up for when she started dating you, so she's rightfully upset. Like Cain said, the distance WILL put a strain on your relationship.

Can you come to a compromise with her? Move the timetable to 1-2 months? How much are you really going to save in 2 months compared to 4? Maybe there are other ways to do this move that would satisfy you both, and not make her feel like you're about to bolt.

Good luck.

Thinking about it, won't splitting the cost of living to two locations, each independent, be far less cost-effective over the long run? A small loan at a decent interest rate might actually be the most monetarily-efficient way to get over the relocation-hump. Hypothetically, if there's any type of renting involved, 1 place, 1 utility bill, 1 grocery bill would seem cheaper than 2 of all the same.

I really have no information to back any of that up...it's all speculation.

wow do not marry her until you both actually move in together!!! my boyfriend and I did not live together, meaning we both had our own places but we didnt really spend time apart, BUT theres no way we would be ready for marriage. actually living together and being responsible for a place together can change things... be careful with this marriage advice...

If she's going to eventually start job hunting can't she start that now? I do understand flying in for the interview would be dificult but there are plenty of companies that would be willing to do a phone interview. Also if she wants to go w/you now why not try applying to a temp agency to find her work so she can have something ready and you can go together.

How old are these 4 kids? Are you planning on moving them away from their father? (Probably not legal unless he has lost all rights to the kids.)

I don't think I'd be up for moving my kids away unless they were REALLY small. It is very disruptive to their lives.

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Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

How old are these 4 kids? Are you planning on moving them away from their father? (Probably not legal unless he has lost all rights to the kids.)

I don't think I'd be up for moving my kids away unless they were REALLY small. It is very disruptive to their lives.

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Or maybe there is more than one father.

And I think it depends on the state, but that's a very good point.

Ugh... you are right. I forgot we are living in the Jerry Springer generation.

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Originally Posted by mtinlove [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

wow do not marry her until you both actually move in together!!! my boyfriend and I did not live together, meaning we both had our own places but we didnt really spend time apart, BUT theres no way we would be ready for marriage. actually living together and being responsible for a place together can change things... be careful with this marriage advice...

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I find it hard to believe she'll move 30 hours away for a bf.

thanks for all of the advice and comments. just to answer a few of the questions. We are both in our mid-30's. Kids ages are 16,13,12 & 8. All 4 of the kids are hers and they only have 1 dad. She has full custody and she has permission in her divorce decree that allows her to move wherever she wants. She does not have family where we are now.

Oh, dude! I have teenagers, and let me tell you - there is no WAY I'd move them away from their life at the age of 16... even the 13 year old may react very adversely. It is devastating to kids to uproot them at that age. Your girlfriend has a lot to consider. I think she is right to be worried.

Can't you stay put?

she's not going to move.

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Originally Posted by misombra [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

she's not going to move.

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The kids grew up in a military household are familiar with moving. Im definitely not saying its an easy thing for them but they are familiar with having to relocate.

The problem is not her not wanting to move. The problem is that she is wanting to come with me NOW versus waiting a few months like I would prefer to do to save more.

There is no way I can back out of going now, I have already resigned from my current job of 13 years and I start next month at the new job.

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Originally Posted by Cain [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Meh, if he's in his twenties or thirties, then I can agree with the shock of him being with her... however, if he's in his forties, I don't see this as a problem. Just because someone has kids doesn't mean they are doomed to be alone. Maybe he actually likes those kids?

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I don't see age as a relevance when picking up extra responsibilities that you shouldn't be burdened with and neither deserve.

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Originally Posted by Only-virgins [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't see age as a relevance when picking up extra responsibilities that you shouldn't be burdened with and neither deserve.

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You're making it seem like she forced him to be with her. He took on those responsibilities when they started a relationship.

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Originally Posted by Cain [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You're making it seem like she forced him to be with her. He took on those responsibilities when they started a relationship.

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No I don't. In-fact I said the opposite by calling him a tool. I never said she forced him. I would never date someone with kids because I feel it is a foolish thing....unless they are mine.

Women suck at logic.

That's a fact.

...and your premises are?

well just to provide an update. She quit her job and moved to California last week. I started my new job here 3 weeks ago and it has been very stressful. And to add more to it my girlfriend and I have been very tense with one another since she got here. A part of me is not feeling very appreciated and Im quite sure she is feeling guilty about coming sooner rather than waiting it out like I preferred. The kids just arrived yesterday from visiting with their dad and grandparents. And as weird as it sounds, we have not been as distant with each other with them around. Anyways, thats the update for now.

tell her that all she can do is accept this because either way you're moving. it's up to her if she wants to pursue you, but unfortunate for her, in this scenario, your job will come first.

raverboy

I'm sorry to say this but things will be tense when you move in together. They are tense under normal circumstances what with the merging of possessions, finances and unpacking. On top of that you add a big move, new job and kids to the mix!

Just try the best you can to support one another. You obviously love her to make such a big step together. Be patient as well. Try to understand how she may be feeling. Maybe once you have settled down a little you could go out on your own and have a romantic evening. Rekindle what originally attracted you.

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Originally Posted by dom4400 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

well just to provide an update. She quit her job and moved to California last week. I started my new job here 3 weeks ago and it has been very stressful. And to add more to it my girlfriend and I have been very tense with one another since she got here. A part of me is not feeling very appreciated and Im quite sure she is feeling guilty about coming sooner rather than waiting it out like I preferred. The kids just arrived yesterday from visiting with their dad and grandparents. And as weird as it sounds, we have not been as distant with each other with them around. Anyways, thats the update for now.

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My observations and experience say that marriage can help this situation. Without marriage, this may become a sad story. I'm not trying to pressure you....just saying.

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Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Perhaps you would ease her insecurities if you asked her to marry you.

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I still say this. ^^

Another update: i've been extremely impatient with her and the kids. I'm working 10-14 hour days a week including weekends and when I get home, I just don't want to hear any complaining or hear of any problems since thats what I have been dealing with all day long at work. I know thats not fair to her or the kids but I don't really know how to turn that around. She just started a new job last week so she is dealing with the anxiety of a new job as well. To top it off, women at work have been complimenting me alot lately and it sucks because i would prefer to get those compliments from home. I can't blame my g/f or the kids for not complimenting me more because i've been tired and grouchy.