help please, very torn

I will try to make this as simple as possible. I need real feedback on this. Such a difficult situation. Here we go

about 14 months ago i started dating this girl, up untill 2 weeks ago everything was perfect, and i mean perfect. We match up in every aspect you could imagine. We have talked about marriage and kids.

Here is where it went wrong (in a nutshell) Basically I found out that she had a one night stand with my uncle (who is more like a brother) a couple months before we had started dating. So, she didnt cheat on me. This was a prior happening. How i didnt find until 14 months in, is a whole different story. Nothing sneaky though.

I have a huuuuuuuuge problem with this and cant seem to shake it. I love this women with all my heart and truly see a lifetime together. But i cant imagine getting together at holidays/family get togethers and knowing that they have "history."

Because of the situation I have NO ONE to confide in and ask advice. The uncle doesnt even know we were dating. Lots more details to the story, but i think this sums it up without writing a novel.

Thanks for your time. feel free to post some advice. This is killing me, I can barely function.

p.s. Im 30, she is 32... if that matters

It was just a one night stand though. I can understand why it would bother you, but it doesn't seem like a "deal breaker" thing to me.

If you love your woman, I'd think it would be somewhat easy to eventually put this behind you. She's with you now. Not him. Leave the past in the past. If it indeed was just a one night stand, it shouldn't matter.

The more you bring it up or think about it, the harder it'll be to move on, and think
about the person that your with, and the future that the two of you will have.
We make mistakes all the time, it's how we overcome them that will determine how happy we are with ourselves.
If there truly is chemistry and it happened before you met, then it doesn't involve you at all.

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Originally Posted by starbuck [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It was just a one night stand though. I can understand why it would bother you, but it doesn't seem like a "deal breaker" thing to me.

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:emot61:

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If you love your woman, I'd think it would be somewhat easy to eventually put this behind you. She's with you now. Not him. Leave the past in the past. If it indeed was just a one night stand, it shouldn't matter.

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:emot61:

I used to talk to my best friend about us humans and feelings. If I make a fuss on an issue that seems minor to others, it is not up to someone else to tell me that it should be easy to get over it or it shouldn't matter, etc. If I feel it is bothering me then that's how I feel and who should judge how I should feel?

Now, this really bother you and I am positive that it would bother me as well. It was in her past and you must figure out if this is a dealbreaker for you. Everyone will have things done that we will not agree with but we must list and understand what we feel are dealbreakers or not. There is no need to torture yourself for years if you feel that you cannot deal with this situation.

Think of some of the options you have: breakup; ignore it completely (aka denial); acknowledge, accept it and move on in the relationship.

It's a process and it will likely take you a while to accept it fully. I had to go through a period of accepting things about a partner's past. We shouldn't judge (it's healthful that we don't) but it's also very difficult especially in this case with a relative. What I find helpful is to try and desensitize yourself from this situation as you work towards acceptance.

I said I DO understand why it would bother him. I'm not denigrating his feelings at all. It would probably bother me, too. But I'm not sure it would be a deal-breaker thing.

There are so many things that can keep you from loving someone, so many challenges: infidelity, age, emotional problems, distance.

The OP wants to spend his life with this woman. He and she have something very special. I don't think he should throw it all away because she has some baggage that involves a relative. It is in the past and neither one of them can change it, so why not move on and focus on what they have together in the now?

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Originally Posted by starbuck [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I said I DO understand why it would bother him. I'm not denigrating his feelings at all. It would probably bother me, too. But I'm not sure it would be a deal-breaker thing.

There are so many things that can keep you from loving someone, so many challenges: infidelity, age, emotional problems, distance.

The OP wants to spend his life with this woman. He and she have something very special. I don't think he should throw it all away because she has some baggage that involves a relative. It is in the past and neither one of them can change it, so why not move on and focus on what they have together in the now?

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He's asking for advice on how to deal with his emotions.

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Originally Posted by lesa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

He's asking for advice on how to deal with his emotions.

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I was giving it to him. Telling him that he could put the past in the past is valid advice. I wasn't trying to be insensitive to him. Or judgemental. I think you misunderstood my response.

If it is a deal-breaker thing to him, then it is. He obviously needs to decide that. All I was trying to say was that it wouldn't be for me. If I weighed the pros and cons and found that the man I was with was worth holding onto despite this one incident that happened in the past, then I would put it behind me.

I was only offering my own perspective which is all I can really do.

very good insight. I appreciate it greatly. Definitley the hardest thing i have gone through relationship wise. I love her with all my heart and she is everything I could ever want.
I wish I could come to grips with this and move on but I find it nearly impossible.
One minute I think I can accept it and move forward , then then next I convince myselft im just setting up for future failure knowing that that incident will ALWAYS be in the back of my mind. thanks again

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Originally Posted by deadinside1234 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

very good insight. I appreciate it greatly. Definitley the hardest thing i have gone through relationship wise. I love her with all my heart and she is everything I could ever want.
I wish I could come to grips with this and move on but I find it nearly impossible.
One minute I think I can accept it and move forward , then then next I convince myselft im just setting up for future failure knowing that that incident will ALWAYS be in the back of my mind. thanks again

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Once the shock of it wears off, you will probably start feeling better about it. All relationships get tested. A silver lining: if you pass this test, it will make you both stronger as a couple.

its been 2 weeks to the day since I found out. We didnt talk/text/email for a week and then last wednesday she called and needed to come stay with me. So I let it happen.
We talked like normal again, but almost everyday I had to bring it up in some fashion. Not to rub it in, but just to let her know how big of an issue I had with it. We had an unbelievable day on monday, I told myself I would let my head clear of the situation and go about it as normal, and I did. Then on tuesday (yesterday) that sick feeling was back. I told her last night I just couldnt deal with it. Now today has been a horrible day. I wish that part could just be erased and I would be the happiest man on earth..... Unfortunatly thats not reality.

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Originally Posted by deadinside1234 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

its been 2 weeks to the day since I found out. We didnt talk/text/email for a week and then last wednesday she called and needed to come stay with me. So I let it happen.
We talked like normal again, but almost everyday I had to bring it up in some fashion. Not to rub it in, but just to let her know how big of an issue I had with it. We had an unbelievable day on monday, I told myself I would let my head clear of the situation and go about it as normal, and I did. Then on tuesday (yesterday) that sick feeling was back. I told her last night I just couldnt deal with it. Now today has been a horrible day. I wish that part could just be erased and I would be the happiest man on earth..... Unfortunatly thats not reality.

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**HUGS** It hurts me to hear that. I imagined having to deal with something a partner told me. I did....eventually........................

Try to desensitize yourself until time has gone passed and you will move on towards acceptance.

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Originally Posted by deadinside1234 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I love this women with all my heart and truly see a lifetime together. But i cant imagine getting together at holidays/family get together and knowing that they have "history."

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Gosh! cant imagine too!
Whew, how will I start.......hmmmmmmmmm, u said you love the girl so much, y not accept her past. anyways its just an experienced happened before you and that girl met.

My other opinion:
For me, I cant really imagine that something happened to them (your uncle and your girl). So yucky!

i also kinda confused what to advice but maybe u get a lil opinion from me.

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Originally Posted by agatha [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Gosh! cant imagine too!
Whew, how will I start.......hmmmmmmmmm, u said you love the girl so much, y not accept her past. anyways its just an experienced happened before you and that girl met.

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For me (only me), I find it harder to deal when it's someone I truly love. It's easier to deal when a fling or someone I see no long term future tells me something like that. I tend to see a true love as flawless although I know we all have our faults. We have to realize they are just human just like you and I:D.

Wtf people, that is his uncle. Gross. Deal breaker and than some. damn if I was your uncle I would laugh at your face behind your back, in a weird kind of way. I'm sorry but this is Jerry Springer Territory. Tie your shoes and run as fast as you can, there is plenty of women out there who don't try and date someone from the same family that they had a affair in. These women here give horrid advice, maybe they **** uncles of their boyfriends too. If this bothers you than GOOD...it is supposed too...it is your gut telling you that this is wrong, weird, and unacceptable.

Are you gonna invite this uncle to your wedding? haha, maybe ask your uncle for some advice on how to please her. Grab your balls, dignity, and pride and for crying out loud leave. Than again your are 30 and probably uber desperate so you won't listen to reason anyways.

Unless she is showing signs of interest in him, I dont see why you should continue worrying. Yea, it may gross you out, but you gotta let go since you say you love her so much. If you want it to work, you have to learn to let go. It is easier said than done, but you gotta try for the sake of a possibly worthy relationship. If she told you that they were messing around, she obviously wanted to get everything out of the closet before taking things a step further into a serious relationship. Dont shoot her down for being honest, it'll make her resent telling you it in the first place and she will become more secretive.

You say that the uncle is more like a brother. How so? Is he close in age, proximity? How often would you see him in a year?

This is literally so close to home that I can understand your discomfort. I know of so many people in relationships that have issues with an ex who is someone they have never met..let alone a close brother type uncle.

You have to decide whether you think you love her enough to continue. All I can suggest is based on what I would do so here goes:

Speak to her about the issues that you are facing. If you love her, tell her so. Just explain that you are struggling at the moment and you need some time.

Take some time away from the situation. If after a few weeks you are missing her and feel that the situation isn't as bad as losing her then you know you can continue on. If not then you should move on.

All the best and let us know how you do.

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Originally Posted by Only-virgins [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Wtf people, that is his uncle. Gross. Deal breaker and than some. damn if I was your uncle I would laugh at your face behind your back, in a weird kind of way. I'm sorry but this is Jerry Springer Territory. Tie your shoes and run as fast as you can, there is plenty of women out there who don't try and date someone from the same family that they had a affair in. These women here give horrid advice, maybe they **** uncles of their boyfriends too. If this bothers you than GOOD...it is supposed too...it is your gut telling you that this is wrong, weird, and unacceptable.

Are you gonna invite this uncle to your wedding? haha, maybe ask your uncle for some advice on how to please her. Grab your balls, dignity, and pride and for crying out loud leave. Than again your are 30 and probably uber desperate so you won't listen to reason anyways.

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I said that it would bother me too. You have no idea how much restraint I am using.

It's up to the OP to decide on what to do and to cope with this situation.

How is it gross? Can someone explain that to me? It's not incest. HE's not sleeping with his uncle. She had a one night stand with him BEFORE they were together and it sounds like she's apologetic about it and wants to come clean to her BF. If they had a full fledged relationship, that would be different, but according to the OP they were intimate with each other only once.

Yes, it's unusual. Yes, it's too close for comfort. How is it gross?

I'll admit that most of my relatives are much older than me, so it's hard to put myself in this situation since it's not a situation I'd ever be in. It's unchartered territory for most, and before you start calling the OP names, try and remember that when people start dating into their 30's and 40's they date people with more baggage than those who are younger. For some this baggage is messier than others.

Is it considered incest? If so, why? What am I missing? Seriously, I really want to know. Maybe I'm being naive since I've never been in this situation.

When I read the OP, I was under the impression that the girl didn't know they were related.

She didn't cheat on him, so I don't understand what the big deal is. What if they live in a small town? I've known of quite a few of those where most everyone knows each other. If she didn't know they were related, she can't be accused of trying to continue to date in the family.

If this was a casual dating relationship, I could understand why this would be something to end it over... but if you really love her, I don't see how you could even entertain the thought.

I say that, If we thought about the past and never forgot about the things that bothered us or mistakes
we did, we would never evolve and try to make ourselves better and for the people around us.
If your always going to question her actions, this relationship is doomed to fail.

P.S. Sometimes people will do things they didn't mean too,
when they're not in a relationship and need that fling.
You weren't in the picture before, so stop stressing over it and she probably regrets doing it anyways,
so let her have closure and just make her happy like you've been doing, when you're together.