Open Relationships

Hello everyone. First posting so here goes...

My wife and I have been married for 16 yrs, have 4 kids and up to a couple of years ago were very happy. In the past few years things have got a bit stale. I've been off with my career etc and she has been stuck at home or with her part time job.

Anyway, we were heading towards some real problems when a few weeks ago she bumped into an old boyfried. She still had feelings for him and basically was torn between the excitment of a relationship with him and the duty and committment of home life. She has been absolutely 100% honest with me about this and I have encouraged her to explore her feelings with him in an open relationship. I'm more than happy for her to have a relationship with both of us as her being happy is all that counts. We have a good strong, trusting relationship and have talked about this at length and I trust her completely.

Has anyone else out there currently in an open relationship and how does it work for you ? What rules have you established ?

Best wishes
S & S

I don't understand where there can be trust in an open relationship. You're giving her permission to cheat on you. I don't know... I just never really understood it. If I felt that the only way I could save my marriage was for her to have an open relationship, I'd break it off.

You've got to look past the feelings of jelousy. If your marriage is strong enough you can be honest enough to admit when its going wrong and what needs to be done to fix it.
We cant hide our feelings for others. If I'd kicked and screamed and thrown her out it wouldnt have changed the fact that she has feelings for the other guy. Since all this kicked off and we've agreed to go this way its like we're just married again. Its like a complete new beginning.

Do adverts always appear after each posting ? Hope not as it looks crap

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Originally Posted by sands [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You've got to look past the feelings of jelousy. If your marriage is strong enough you can be honest enough to admit when its going wrong and what needs to be done to fix it.
We cant hide our feelings for others. If I'd kicked and screamed and thrown her out it wouldnt have changed the fact that she has feelings for the other guy. Since all this kicked off and we've agreed to go this way its like we're just married again. Its like a complete new beginning.

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Yes, crushes happen, but what she's doing is "emotional cheating" which is more than likely going to turn into physical cheating. Are you allowing her to just have an emotional fling with him or are you giving her the go-ahead to actually have sex with him?

And yes, advertisements appear after the first and final post.

She's made it clear that she has no intentions of running off with him. Its a physical thing, not emotional. I dont have any issue with that at all. I dont have an ego to be offended.

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Originally Posted by sands [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She's made it clear that she has no intentions of running off with him. Its a physical thing, not emotional. I dont have any issue with that at all. I dont have an ego to be offended.

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It's not about having an ego. It's about me not wanting to share the woman I'm with with someone else. And she might not have intentions on running off with him right now, but just wait until she feels that her duties around the house are done, such as when your kids all move out. Don't be so sure she'll still be around if she has more of a connection with him.

Do you get to at least go out and **** another woman too?

Do you really think she is gonna come back to a boring relationship over a relationship that is exciting to her? If she wants to be with him then let her be with him, just not while with you. How can you settle for something like that, arent you worth more??

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Originally Posted by sands [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Since all this kicked off and we've agreed to go this way its like we're just married again. Its like a complete new beginning.

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So what you're saying is when you guys first got married this is how it worked out? She had the ability to run off with other men so that sparked your marriage? Wow, this is a crazy relationship.

It's not the kind of lifestyle I'd want for me (at least, I don't think I would want this), but you guys would be surprised what people tolerate to keep a marriage. I've known two husbands to give their wives permission to have sex with another guy (ironically, both of the other guys were friends of these men). Also, a very close friend suspected for years that her husband had a girl on the side, but she overlooked it because she didn't want to tear her kids family apart. In all these cases, the extra relationships eventually ended on their own.

Wow. I cant see myself tolerating something like that. When I read shit like this, it makes me even MORE reluctant to ever get married. I dont think I will get married, too much complications for me. I rather live with you as if we're married and when things just aint working I'm through the door or vice versa if its my house. IMO, to settle for something like that, you must not be worth it if you're settling for something like that. And besides, open relationships are for SINGLE PEOPLE, not married people wtf. What is this world coming to :|

Oh, please. This has been going on since the beginning of time. Europeans have completely normalized it. It's not always about how much/little one values themselves, but rather how much they value the institution of marriage when they have a family.

I've read loads of posts on this website about people who have had affairs and how its destroyed their lives. Surely its better to go down the open relationship road, being completely honest with each other then go down the affair road. Remember that the alternative was that our marriage was likely on-the-rocks and since we've decided on an open relationship we're firing on 12 cylinders again.
Oh, and yes I can go off with someone else too but the same applies to me, I wouldnt do it without telling my wife first.

To be honest, I would much prefer to be on the European system of "don't ask, don't tell". Discretion is more considerate, I think.

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Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh, please. This has been going on since the beginning of time. Europeans have completely normalized it. It's not always about how much/little one values themselves, but rather how much they value the institution of marriage when they have a family.

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As I stated, its just my opinion. Seeing as I'm not in the situation, I can not understand how people make sacrifices like that for their kids sake. In the end, it's still not healthy, even for the children. What would the kids think if they were to find out their mother or father was out having an "open relationship" with other people other than who they should be with? Dont you think it would give them the mentality that that is how marriages are supposed to be?

Oh and as for the marriage being great now, isnt it a tad bit sucky to know that the reason your wife is happy now because she has the ability to mess around with another man? I would feel a way to know Im not the reason my husband is not happy, but another girl is. Idk, maybe Im too young to understand this kinda thing, but it is really weird to me.

As I said, discretion is the norm, and I don't think finding out an extramarital affair would be any harder on a kid than permanently not having their parent around, assuming decent parenting skills.

There are some good points that have been raised. We're enjoying the debate here.
I absolutely agree that we have to be discreet. The family and kids especially must never find out whats going on. Its a private thing.
We love each other very much, so much that we can admit to each other when its gone wrong and what we have to do to fix it. I could have gone to one of those tacky wife-swap forums but I'm hoping for a more serious debate here.

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Originally Posted by sands [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

...
Has anyone else out there currently in an open relationship and how does it work for you ? What rules have you established ?

Best wishes
S & S

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Not me but heres a suggestion.
Both partner should like the new person. If one doesnt then its a 'No go'.

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Originally Posted by sands [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

...If your marriage is strong enough you can be honest enough to admit when its going wrong and what needs to be done to fix it.
...

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What if there is nothing to fix?
People change over time. Personalities change.

Alot of people stay together for convient sake but they are no longer in love with each other. The concept of "forever love" is more often than not a delusion fed by movies, magazines, the media, parental upbringing etc.

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Originally Posted by Henry123 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What if there is nothing to fix?
People change over time. Personalities change.

Alot of people stay together for convient sake but they are no longer in love with each other. The concept of "forever love" is a delusion fed by movies, magazines, the media etc.

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Henry your absolutely correct. We could have stayed together unhappily for the sake of the kids, or convention, or for 100 other reasons but you only live once, who wants to be miserable.
I'm hoping that someone else will join the debate who is also in an open relationship.

Stu

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Originally Posted by sands [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Henry your absolutely correct. We could have stayed together unhappily for the sake of the kids, or convention, or for 100 other reasons but you only live once, who wants to be miserable.
I'm hoping that someone else will join the debate who is also in an open relationship.

Stu

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I certainly dont oppose people who have open relationships. After all its really your life and you should run it anyway you want to.

I believe the concept of "marriage" is nothing but an artifical social construct.

Over the years I have known alot of families and their parents etc. who stay together not because they love each other but because of the kids or because of the house or other conviences. Its a reality many dont want to admit to. Why waste your life being unhappy.

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Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh, please. This has been going on since the beginning of time. Europeans have completely normalized it.

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I have no opinion on the subject at hand….Lol! I cant believe you just wrote that! That’s so funny….shh! I’m getting the feeling you don’t like Europeans that much haha….c’mon everyone knows it happens all over the world in all cultures……

Did you misunderstand? or are you being deliberately obtuse? I said they normalized it - meaning it is not villianized the way it is in the states. Certainly it happens everywhere.

Jeez, my family is Irish. We aren't all so thick in the head. Now run along and pester someone else.

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Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Did you misunderstand? or are you being deliberately obtuse? I said they normalized it - meaning it is not villianized the way it is in the states. Certainly it happens everywhere.

Jeez, my family is Irish. We aren't all so thick in the head. Now run along and pester someone else.

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but its not normalised haha shh! you are funny

Well Europeans didn't normalize it. It's not normal in Poland,Germany,France,Netherlands,Belgium,England as far as I know...

Well I understand ,as someone has said, that open relationship may be able to people who are singels,but in a marriage? With kids? It's ****ing crazy. Marriage is for two people,not for three or more. Don't say You love each other,because it's not love. It's just a physical attraction.Or even not.I even don't know how to call it... Honestly,for me it's sick.If my husband would sleep with other woman I would be really hurted...

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Originally Posted by Pettit-Papillon [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well Europeans didn't normalize it. It's not normal in Poland,Germany,France,Netherlands,Belgium,England
..

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and many more

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Originally Posted by ecojeanne [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

and many more

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Yeah I said "as far as I know " ;)

"Public attitudes toward the morality of extramarital affairs in the four Western countries polled show great variation. [...] Forty-seven percent of the French, 35% of Germans, and 18% of Britons believe that married men and women having an affair is morally acceptable, compared with 7% of Americans and 4% of religious Americans."

[url]http://www.gallup.com/poll/107518/Religious-Americans-European-Muslims-Common-Ground.aspx[/url]

I'm not saying they LIKE it, but they ARE more tolerant in Europe. I'm surprised you are arguing about this... many Europeans pride themselves on not being as "puritanical" as Americans.

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Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

"Public attitudes toward the morality of extramarital affairs in the four Western countries polled show great variation. [...] Forty-seven percent of the French, 35% of Germans, and 18% of Britons believe that married men and women having an affair is morally acceptable, compared with 7% of Americans and 4% of religious Americans."

[url]http://www.gallup.com/poll/107518/Religious-Americans-European-Muslims-Common-Ground.aspx[/url]

I'm not saying they LIKE it, but they ARE more tolerant in Europe. I'm surprised you are arguing about this... many Europeans pride themselves on not being as "puritanical" as Americans.

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Well so it would be better for Your knowledge to live in Europe for about 10 or 15 years to know that it's not normal to have an affair here.And people don't tolerate it at all.Who did those statistics? A guy behind the desk,he even never been to Europe?

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Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

"Public attitudes toward the morality of extramarital affairs in the four Western countries polled show great variation. [...] Forty-seven percent of the French, 35% of Germans, and 18% of Britons believe that married men and women having an affair is morally acceptable, compared with 7% of Americans and 4% of religious Americans."

[url]http://www.gallup.com/poll/107518/Religious-Americans-European-Muslims-Common-Ground.aspx[/url]

I'm not saying they LIKE it, but they ARE more tolerant in Europe. I'm surprised you are arguing about this... many Europeans pride themselves on not being as "puritanical" as Americans.

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So what?….how are those stats in ‘four’ countries showing ‘normalised’ in the ‘whole’ of Europe like you just stated earlier…..haha shh! I’m still laughing at you....it was a huge generalisation to make

If it works for you mate I think you should go for it. These other posters are getting their panties in a twist because they're projecting their own anxieties about marriage on to your situation.

As for myself, I've never been involved in any open relationships because I am monogomous by nature and so it wouldn't suit. But I know lots of people who'd be better suited to that sort of arrangement.

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Originally Posted by ecojeanne [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So what?….how are those stats in ‘four’ countries showing ‘normalised’ in the ‘whole’ of Europe like you just stated earlier…..haha shh! I’m still laughing at you....it was a huge generalisation to make

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Wow, you are annoying.

That post referred to 4 countries Pettit-Papillon mentioned.

Now run along and play, and leave the adult conversation for the adults. Children should be seen and not heard.

Edit: Pettit - I couldn't even read your last post. (#30) While your effort is admirable, your English skills need work.

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Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Wow, you are annoying.

That post referred to 4 coutries Petit-Papillon mentioned.

Now run along and play, and leave the adult conversation for the adults. Children should be seen and not heard.

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can't handle it shh!?

hahaha i'm not sure it's me that needs to grow up. i give opinions and i don't try to insult people to get my point accross...pathetic and laughable

Sometimes children know better than the adults. Just because people are adult doesn't make them wise.Just You to know;)

Sands, I've only been on this forum for a few months, but I've never heard of anyone mentioning being in an open relationship here. If someone is, he/she has yet to come forward. Were there any posters in the past who had this kind of arrangement?

Are there any other forums for this besides those "tacky wife swap" ones? I agree that you might benefit from the insight from someone who actually has been a relationship like this.

Personally, an open relationship wouldn't be for me. I'm not sure I understand how one could be in an open relationship, and not have someone get hurt along the way. I already know I'd be way too jealous for it.

if you're okay with it then let her go do it.

like shhh said she'll probably have some fun and be over it in no time.

You guys will be surprise at how many people are agreeing to things like this. Surprisely the person usually do NOT leave the spouse for the other person. They usually stay married. If you give them permission to be with the other person they are less likely to stay with the other person. If you put up a fight they may demand a divorce and run off with the other person or someone else. The OP is basically playing this 'game' right to get the eventual result he wants.

This sounds more like a temporary band-aid than a solution. Do you think her banging another dude will solve all your problems together? Have you thought that maybe she'll leave you? Are you going to console her once her boyfriend "leaves her"?

Why don't you go find a chick for yourself too? I'm curious to hear how her reaction would be to that.

I don't agree with it and personally would never let my own (future) wife do it and I would hope she would expect the same from me. But to each their own, huh?

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Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It's not the kind of lifestyle I'd want for me (at least, I don't think I would want this), but you guys would be surprised what people tolerate to keep a marriage. I've known two husbands to give their wives permission to have sex with another guy (ironically, both of the other guys were friends of these men). Also, a very close friend suspected for years that her husband had a girl on the side, but she overlooked it because she didn't want to tear her kids family apart. In all these cases, the extra relationships eventually ended on their own.

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+1

Or the marriages end b/c the 'side dish' was really just a stop gap for avoiding dealing with problems in the marriage.

Look up the stats on 'open marriages' and divorce before you proceed.

And, btw, open marriages generally only work for a purely sexual experience outside the relationship. Seeing how this is an ex of hers, I think you are facing emotional attachment b/t your wife & this other guy. Which is the death knell for a marriage if allowed to continue. Affair does NOT = open marriage. Whole different animal, that. While I think that many men can have sex purely for the sake of sex outside the marriage, remember that women tend to get more emotionally connected to their partners.