Crushed By Ex's True Colors

I ran into my ex, as tends to happen since we live so close by each other. We ended up having a very honest conversation about where things stood in our lives and I need to write it out. All of it. We were talking about his current girlfriend and how they've been together for almost 2 years, and yet he's cheated on her repeatedly. His logic is if you're not living together and you're not married, its okay. So I end up asking if he's in love with her because in my eyes, if you're in love with someone you don't cheat on them. He said to me, "I've said the L word, if thats what you mean. I'm not like, head over heels or anything. I'm just really confused right now." That was the ONE thing he could never say, and he used to tell me all the time, "Its not just you, I've never said it to anyone, I don't think I'll ever be able to say it." He continues by saying, "When I said it, I meant it, but...I dunno if its gonna work out." So my heart, my stupid heart that no longer flutters around this guy, is wondering, "Why her?" and I actually said that aloud. He asked, "Why her as opposed to...you?" and I was honest and said yes. So he said "Because I don't think we work well together in a relationship, but...I dunno. Luckily I can still talk to you." =/

Then he goes on to say he doesn't think it'll end up working out because he's Catholic and she's Jewish and this is NOT meant to offend anyone but merely to explain his commentary. He said, "I can see it not working out because she'd give me a hard time about the kids thing. Because she's Jewish her kids have to be, and I am NOT allowing that. She thinks that they should be Jewish because she is and its like, What I don't even get a say?! And thats like saying you're entitled to get your way and you don't need a reason because you're Jewish. Its such a Jew thing to say." Uh....yeah.

But you love her. And honestly, I didn't feel any feelings towards him like I used to. I haven't in a really long time I'm realizing, but...at the same time, its still heartbreaking to hear how he doesn't think we went well together. Why? Because I wanted to TALK about issues and I wanted to TALK about feelings/emotions and where we stood. I stood up for myself when I wasn't being treated with respect. So thats why I'm just good as a friend because I'm still nice, he can still talk to me/hang out with me, but...as a gf I didn't give in and I didn't let him walk all over me.

So no, I don't think they realize what they lost. I don't think my ex will ever look back and think I was anything special. I don't think years later we'll be meant for each other. And I'm in this negative state right now...so please, be kind, comment away, and please ease this aching in my heart. Its not even about feelings for him, its more about how he just never wanted me back. Ever.

You have to let yourself know you are worth more than that scumbag. I just broke up with my bf and Im already getting over him. Now dont get the idea that I didnt love him because I loved him so much, but when they treat you like arent worthy of respect and show that your opinions dont matter, you cant continuously let them bring you down. Enjoy life, he is a chapter in your life that has ended. Time to move on to the next chapter and not worry about him. He is a waste of your time.

Why does it mean so much to you that this guy you haven't dated in two years said "I love you" to someone else and not you? Shouldn't you be over this by now?

It's not a measure of your worth, but a measure of (a) your past relationship, and (b) him. So stop thinking about it. Eventually you'll meet someone who WILL say it to you, and you'll forget about him, as you should've already.

I could understand how you would feel this way.

However..this ex DOESN'T love anyone. To love is to be kind and respectful. He is not being respectful to this woman by cheating on her a myriad of times..think about it. I think the only person he is truly in love with is himself.

So don't sweat it. He is only saying I love you to her but not meaning in. I feel sorry for the poor woman who he is with now. Just feel grateful that you have seen him for who he really is.

You sound like a nice girl with a good heart. You are so much better than this guy. You do not want this guy in your life, and always be concerned about trusting him. Unless you like the abusive types.

This guy also may have issues and therefore finds it hard to love another person, and does not love himself. Another reason to feel you are better than that.

Now, I know the part of feeling rejected, it is a shitty feeling one has to go thru. That is why you may be feeling like this because you know now that he never wanted you back. Tough, and I feel your pain. Don't dwell on it.

I thank you all for your response....I've been taking a lot of time to figure out what it is that keeps me wanting to even associate with this miserable excuse for a human being. If I may share my ramblings with the rest of you, considering you all seem to have better insight into things from the outside than I do from within...

Betrayal you hit it on the head when you said he's not talking to her about these things, and I think thats why every few months he contacts me because I see now I'm the emotional crutch. She's the once-a-week girlfriend who he has this superficial sham of a relationship with, and I really DO feel for this girl. I could have BEEN her.

I saw changes in him the last 2 months of our relationship 3 yrs ago. He became completely shut down and angry all the time, and he stopped opening up. He started doing things out of malice, and at least had the guts to tell me he wanted to date around and that I wasn't someone he'd cheat on. It's been a slow decline I've watched happen ever since. I broke it off, he started hooking up with other girls, we stayed close as friends, and when we seemed to get too close he'd push me away.

He admitted to me before ever dating this girl that we work as friends but that he knows he can't have an actual relationship because all he thinks about is himself. That he knows I deserve to be with someone who can say I love you and means it and can give me everything he knows he can't. Shortly after he met his current gf and we lost contact.

Emotionally this drains me because when we broke up I wasn't over him and its been a roller coaster ever since. He'll have other gfs, the girls (every single one since me) fall in love with him, he sticks around without ever committing or opening up.

He'll list my attributes, stating he knows I'm a good person, that I'm always there for him, that he cares about me...yet has always pushed me away or hurt me to keep me at a distance safe enough for his liking. It doesn't help that in the last year he became a police officer in NYPD and no surprise, isn't satisfied with this path. He now wants to become FDNY.

Its hard for me because I get far enough away from him to be okay on my own two feet and he knows me well enough to get inside my head. This girl is just as worth it as I am, I don't hold it against her that she stays with him, but I can't understand is what happened to him.

I can't say I feel responsible, I know this goes far beyond me, but when we were together he actually opened up to me and told me things that he's never shared with anyone. But again, intimacy and us getting closer always seemed to have an opposite effect on him than it does on most people. Its like he let his guard down and then hated me for making him feel anything at all. So I'm the friend, or emotional crutch or whatever, who watches him go through these relationships, one foot outside the door. And when they're gone he comes back, starts to get close, then pulls away. Over and over and over.

My head and my heart can never get right with this.

Honestly, he sounds like a no-good bastard. I'd cut contact with him and celebrate the fact that you didn't get stuck with him. I hope his girlfriend figures him out before she ends up pregnant.

When you see cycles like this happening sometimes you have to tell your heart to shaddup and really just ignore it for a good long while as your head tells you to never talk to him again. I know I am making this seem black and white and is never easy but it's ultimately the thing you need to do. You wouldn't even be on this forum had you not had another encounter with him. This guy will not be fixed.

He sounds like those disrespectful, immature pricks. =]

Although from the sounds of it, he DID seem important to you. You might not be able to forget him, but I'm sure you will find someone that loves you as much as you love them.

GOGOGO. Meet other guys!
And good luck.

If I'm entirely honest....I'm in love with the guy he was when we were together.What I "hope" is that if I'm completely out of his life (I deleted him on facebook, blocked him on AIM, deleted his cell, have gotten rid of all traces of his memory etc), when he matures he will see that we DID have a good relationship and that we can get to know each other again as adults.

Part of me is completely shattered that someone I loved so much almost has "no use" for me in his life anymore, except when its convenient. I can't come to grips with how being in these "easy" relationships is better than something deep and real? The completely irrational side of me wonders if I should be more like the girls he chooses the date: low self-esteem, willing to keep my mouth shut and do what he wants all the time, but I can't abandon my identity for a relationship. Thats not REAL.

Its a catch 22...I'm the friend he can confide in and openly admits that I'm a great person, he can talk to me when he needs to, still attracted to me, still grateful that I care about him after all these years and yet....we don't "work" as a couple. But being in relationships where you can cheat, lie, and walk all over someone is a working relationship? I feel dysfunctional, like there's something wrong with me that after everything, this guy you all describe as being an SOB (rightfully so) doesn't want ME back. If someone like that doesn't even want you....doesn't that say something about your character? I don't get remembered as the great girlfriend, I get remembered as the girl who it didn't "work" with and it kills me inside to know I wasn't even worth loving in his eyes. That makes NO sense to me

You're post is so contradicting.
How is it that you "honestly have no more feelings for him"
Yet you're trying to find the logic in why he said the "L word" to his new girlfriend of 2 years that he cheats on repeatedly.

Rofl! Wdh?

Oh and may I add... I misread what you said. You said It's not about the feelings you have for him. I read that wrong so... disregard my previous post.

So now that I read it again... I'm curious...
How old are you and how old is he because he sounds really immature and challenged.

Second, what kind of relationship did you two have?

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Originally Posted by CaLLiEbLuE [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If I'm entirely honest....I'm in love with the guy he was when we were together.What I "hope" is that if I'm completely out of his life (I deleted him on facebook, blocked him on AIM, deleted his cell, have gotten rid of all traces of his memory etc), when he matures he will see that we DID have a good relationship and that we can get to know each other again as adults.

Part of me is completely shattered that someone I loved so much almost has "no use" for me in his life anymore, except when its convenient. I can't come to grips with how being in these "easy" relationships is better than something deep and real? The completely irrational side of me wonders if I should be more like the girls he chooses the date: low self-esteem, willing to keep my mouth shut and do what he wants all the time, but I can't abandon my identity for a relationship. Thats not REAL.

Its a catch 22...I'm the friend he can confide in and openly admits that I'm a great person, he can talk to me when he needs to, still attracted to me, still grateful that I care about him after all these years and yet....we don't "work" as a couple. But being in relationships where you can cheat, lie, and walk all over someone is a working relationship? I feel dysfunctional, like there's something wrong with me that after everything, this guy you all describe as being an SOB (rightfully so) doesn't want ME back. If someone like that doesn't even want you....doesn't that say something about your character? I don't get remembered as the great girlfriend, I get remembered as the girl who it didn't "work" with and it kills me inside to know I wasn't even worth loving in his eyes. That makes NO sense to me

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Can I suggest that he still knows of your attachment and he is pleased to play with your heart stings?

It is totally unfair of him to involve you in any way..even if you both are playing the game of "friends".

You have to make the decision to cut him out of your life. The person that you portray in your posts is not a nice person. His negativity and bad behaviour will adversely effect you unless you cease contact with him.

Even if you dream of one day meeting down the track and being together then so be it. BUT you will not do that by accepting the person that he is now.

He's cheated on both of you. He doesn't 'love' anyone but himself.

He's all talk, and no walk. Feel sorry for his current gal, if you must think of him at all. And be grateful you escaped.

BTW, why are you still talking to him? Ignore him. Or, if you are still hurt, tell him he's not worth the dirt on the bottom of your shoe & to never speak to you again. Sounds like this one could use a bit of a kick in the balls.

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Originally Posted by Dasein [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Can I suggest that he still knows of your attachment and he is pleased to play with your heart stings?

It is totally unfair of him to involve you in any way..even if you both are playing the game of "friends".

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Here's the truth^ of things.

Forget him, you women are so lucky...you get over guys so fast.

To help myself figure out where I went wrong, I'm gonna break this down. Things I'd bring up to Colin/issues that came up/problems in the relationship:

1) Flirting with other girls in front of me. If you're gonna do it, at least do it when I'm not five feet away..and not in front of my friends where you disrespect me and make me look like a fool.
2) Bringing up his ex & making me pay for how she made him feel by second-guessing every intention I had since she'd "hold things over him." This one just hurt more than anything b/c I was constantly on eggshells.
3) Giving my interests a chance, at least once in awhile.
4) Putting down my friends/family when he'd do so
5) Paying once in awhile cuz if I didn't pay, we didn't go out =/
6) Talking to me instead of bottling everything inside...what ultimately ended us. He waits until after we're on the verge of breaking up or broken up to tell me how much he cares about me, how much he wants for us, how I'm worth trying again with...everything that I'd waited 10 1/2 months to hear, he waits to say until we're no longer together.
7) If you're not comfortable having sex, for any reason, don't put me down or criticize my body when I'm working out 4X a week and am nowhere near overweight KNOWING I have a history of anorexia/put me down for not having big enough breasts.
Not wanting to watch any movies I wanted to, not wanting to learn more about my music, not wanting to learn about me as a person.
9) If a girl does something nice for you just for the sake of showing she cares, don't look at her and say, "What were you expecting to get out of this?"
10) Don't tell me you think I could find some guy that I'm crazy about because it hurts to know no matter how much I love you, no matter how much I try to show you I care, you still think I don't want you. =(
11) Accuse me of always having an agenda. Down to the way I take a sip of your drink because my expression "looks rehearsed."
12) Say that I fight with you for no reason, when all I'm doing is expressing my feelings without so much as raising my voice and when I say "If you did something wrong, so did I. Its 50/50."
13) When I tell you to make more of an effort with your friends, but when we break up you tell everyone we worked with that I never gave you space to hang out with them. I ALWAYS said friends come first, and you complained that they went home at midnight so you'd prefer hanging out with me instead. But yet...I kept you from going out. Okay...
14) What did I do wrong? I thought too much because I'm an analytical person, and when I tried to talk about my feelings and tried to say what I felt about our relationship, you don't want to hear it and push me away. Then go on to say we don't work because you want to be with a girl who doesn't talk about serious things, who you can play video games with and talk about "sh*t that doesn't matter."

And for all of these reasons...you don't want me back.

Everything he did or didn't do for 10 1/2 months, was a waste of time for you, what
made you stay with him for so long? and don't tell me because of his looks.

1) Flirting still, when he has you? why would he do that? is he an attention whore?
2) His ex is the past, he's trying to start new, but blames it on you, that's low.
3) I would love to try a females interest, it'll make the relationship, so much more exciting.
4) He should respect your friends & family, they're a part of your life, so he's being ignorant.
5) Well, the guy should technically pay, but the girl can chip in, if she wants.
6) Communication is one of the biggest deal breakers, it's like your just there
so that he can say that he has a girlfriend, instead of putting in an effort.

7) Why would you criticize someone's body during sex? it's obvious on the outside how
you'll look. Was he shallow and wanted everything perfect?

8) When someone does something nice for me, I'd thank them and appreciate the generosity.
9) Your there for him, so he shouldn't care about anyone else excepting it, if it works, that is all that matters.
10) Agenda thing, he should just let it be.
11) Maybe expressing your feelings bothers him and he just doesn't know how to talk.
12) Well, friends & relationship can be balanced, so why the big deal?
13) This guy seems scared to express himself and just thinks about himself.
I do like to play video games sometimes, but why does it matter, If they do?

P.S. I'm not in a relationship currently, but man I'd be able to handle myself better than this clown.
Good for you for leaving him, but jeez you waited so long to do it.

Your head is full of questions... questions you will never find answers for neither you should. What I personally see is that you are attracted to him that is why you are here. But you can't be attracted to such a prick, its just nature of things... they don't make sense in relationships. There is a common X factor which he posesses which makes millions of other girls fall for jerks, that is a fairly common trend. He is obviously not wirth a minute of your time and you know that. All the nice things you heared from that guy were said to make you feel good and that is all there is.

Some of the things you listed are ridiculously mean. But I know that such people exist