Feeling unloved-unappreciated?

Me and my boyfriend have been together since I was 15, him 16. I am now 22, and he 23. We've stayed together besides breaking up on and off which add up to a year, but we haven't broken up for near three years now straight.

We just had a baby together begining of this year, 2008.

When we got back together for the final time, we vowed we'd stay together this time for sure. The thought of the other with someone else is what brought us back together whenever we broke up prior.

Well things started to go down hill when our pregnancy, seemed to spook my boyfriend. He was unaffectionate to me, acted like I was an alien, even said my stomach looked like an alien. I caught him texting his ex-gf, and the texts were sexual, flirty...

I told him to stop twice, because he was caught twice.

The baby came, he was great through the birth, he was there for me, then two months later he's back to texting his ex. He won't tell this girl off, won't tell her to leave him alone. You'd think that if a guy loved a girl, and had a baby, and knew that his X's intentions were BAD for our relationship, that he could easily tell her to F off.

So now that our baby is 7 months. My bf never hugs me, never kisses me, or even touch me, unless its for the sole purpose to have sex. I even told him I feel unloved, because its just the simple little things I ask for. Like a hug or a kiss once a day, but not to go directly to sex all the time.

He also hasnt gotten a hair cut in over a year, I don't know why, but he just won't go get a hair cut. It's not all long because his mom trimmed it up, but it's not a hair cut...and shes not a barber. It's embarrasing. He has also put on a significant amount of weight, say 30lbs at least. He never takes me out to a movie or anything, and just going to the store to pick up simple things is a huge hassel, because he complains about doing it. He's become a hermit.

He only wants to play computer games, and sit and eat at his computer. He is on his computer from the time he awakes to the time he goes to sleep. I can't say I am much better as I do a lot of work on the computer, and play games too, but I go out and do other things as well, go on walks, goto the store, go enjoy being outside with my baby, visit relatives. He doesn't hang out with any of his friends either. He used to work out and play basketball but has lost all interest in it.

Now our relationship has turned cold, in fact I have been sitting here for five hours straight, right next to him, and he hasn't said a word to me!

I am trying so hard to keep it together for my baby, because my parents are divorced and my "mother" left when I was a young child. My bf doesn't know his dad. So I am trying to make it perfect for my child. Ugh.

Forgot to mention, I told him I'd like to take a two day break, just being out of each others hair, and he started accusing me right off the bat of liking someone else, of cheating on him, calling me a liar, a cheater, two faced, etc. When I tried to explain to him, it's not a break, it's just to get out of each others hair, because all we really do is sit there at home, all day, all night with each other.

it seems to me that your boyfriend wasn't ready to be a father. you guys were fairly young and have been together all this time. he has created this other world for himself which involves video games and other things he keeps himself interested in to keep himself out of the reality that he is a father.. that he is bound to spend the rest of his life with you.. i may be wrong but this is my opinion. i think what i need to explain to him that you did not have your mother while growing up and he did not have his father growing up, you both know how it is to be raised in a broken family, explain to him that while you were growing up all you dreamed always was to have a normal fully functioning family. now you two have a chance to do it. i'm sure he had wanted the same thing too at times when his father wasn't around. maybe that will hit him and make him think.

He sounds like a terrible boyfriend. You should give him an ultimatum. To improve as a boyfriend, a man and a father. This is unjust. Stand up for yourself because this is just shitty on his part.

I hate to say this because it is going to sound so cruel, but since when is reality kind? A man who loves you will not talk to anyone in a flirtatious or sexy way period, especially exs. When he's talking (in a sexy way no less) to another woman, how on earth can he claim that he loves you and only you?

My point? The reason you are feeling unloved is because you are. He does not truly love you. Staying with him for the sake of the baby is a *really* bad idea. There are men, not boys like this jerk-off, out there that are ready and happy to be dads. And good dads. This little boy will be a *bad* father. Which would you prefer? Your baby had a daddy that ignores him/her and you? Or would you like to give your baby a chance to have a real father figure? One that will love him/her no matter what and will cherish each moment spent with "their" child?

Suggestion: When he's not around, check his internet history and chat logs. With how much time you say he's spending on the computer, I'm willing to bet he's visiting porn sites or talking to a girl or girls online. Cheaters tend to be insecure, and often accuse their partner of being the unfaithful ones.

If I were in your situation, I already left him. I can't really take the way he treat you.

You don't deserve to have him!
Hes very irresponsible.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CherriBlossomGirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Cheaters tend to be insecure, and often accuse their partner of being the unfaithful ones.

---

I was going to suggest the same notion. Very often cheaters deflect on to their partner the very thing they are doing.

It is totally unacceptable that he is sending flirtatious sms's to his ex. In fact that would be a deal breaker for me but you have a child to consider.

To be fair you have to tell him how you are feeling. You will not be able to continue with things the way they are.

Also do either of you work?

If he were just a boyfriend, I'd favor getting rid of him. But since he is also the father of your child, I think you should seek some professional help before throwing him out.

How come men aren't loving their women the way they are supposed to be loving them? wtf is wrong with them. I for one wouldn't even have to hug and kiss the women who has my child for her, I would do it for me because I want too.

Hi, Thanks for all your advice.

The question about us working, I am a full time nursing student, and he is a full time computer programming student so we don't work, it would be really hard. Our guardians want us to get through school so we can get a job when we are both out, but they help us with our child for now. We take nearly all of our classes online besides myself I have to attend a few laboratorys.

We live with his grandparents who have been his parents.

When we grew up dating, we always talked about having a child, and the ideal family. Because how we were when we grew up. We always had our father and mother figures, because of relatives raising us. I just wanted it to be the real deal for my own kids, and never be questioned by other children "where is your mom, or why dont you have a dad?" Because that really hurts a child. I think maybe I am also looking at this too deep, because in reality my child will have his mom and dad, I am not taking off like my mother did, and my boyfriend wouldn't either.

That is the ONE thing I will give him. He is a good father. But not a good boyfriend.

Tonight he was on his computer barely saying anything to me at all, and I gave him a big bear hug, he put his hand on my arm with a loose grip, like a hug back or recognition that I was there. That wasn't a hug...Or anything.

The only thing I can't get over, is I have such a hard time seeing him with someone else! Is that deep love, or just possessiveness? He did take my virginity.
:-\


The question about if he looks at porn, he does, but that doesn't bother me at all. I have caught him talking to women from other countries dirty, calling them sweety, things he would never call me. From an online game. That was four years ago. I didn't think much of it because apparently she was from London, and it was online. I did see other pictures of other girls, about two years ago, but I seen the file was created before we got serious again, so over looked it.

He still won't get a hair cut.

For today, I stayed at my family's with our baby, and he stayed at his house where we sleep. It's doing a little better, but we really aren't talking. I don't want to give in and have sex with him just so he'll be happy, tonight.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by summer2 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hi, Thanks for all your advice.

The question about us working, I am a full time nursing student, and he is a full time computer programming student so we don't work, it would be really hard. Our guardians want us to get through school so we can get a job when we are both out, but they help us with our child for now. We take nearly all of our classes online besides myself I have to attend a few laboratorys.

We live with his grandparents who have been his parents.

When we grew up dating, we always talked about having a child, and the ideal family. Because how we were when we grew up. We always had our father and mother figures, because of relatives raising us. I just wanted it to be the real deal for my own kids, and never be questioned by other children "where is your mom, or why dont you have a dad?" Because that really hurts a child. I think maybe I am also looking at this too deep, because in reality my child will have his mom and dad, I am not taking off like my mother did, and my boyfriend wouldn't either.

That is the ONE thing I will give him. He is a good father. But not a good boyfriend.

Tonight he was on his computer barely saying anything to me at all, and I gave him a big bear hug, he put his hand on my arm with a loose grip, like a hug back or recognition that I was there. That wasn't a hug...Or anything.

The only thing I can't get over, is I have such a hard time seeing him with someone else! Is that deep love, or just possessiveness? He did take my virginity.
:-


The question about if he looks at porn, he does, but that doesn't bother me at all. I have caught him talking to women from other countries dirty, calling them sweety, things he would never call me. From an online game. That was four years ago. I didn't think much of it because apparently she was from London, and it was online. I did see other pictures of other girls, about two years ago, but I seen the file was created before we got serious again, so over looked it.

He still won't get a hair cut.

For today, I stayed at my family's with our baby, and he stayed at his house where we sleep. It's doing a little better, but we really aren't talking. I don't want to give in and have sex with him just so he'll be happy, tonight.

---

As a girl , I am sorry to hear your story . personally , I think you are a good wife and mother , but why he cant feel your love , I cant understand ,.
For the young couple, most hope to live a happy life with a lovely child , he will feel proud for you beacuse of the baby , maybe he has some stress in the mind , If you want to have a normal family , you should move him by your love , Or I think you can leave him for some days and give him some time to think alone , maybe he will miss you and the baby , last wish you have a good luck .

Was the child planned? You both seem young to take on this along with studies and no money coming in.

Has your boyfriend said I love you lately? From the alien comment maybe he doesn't find pregnancy and babies terribly sexy and he may be overwhelmed. Either way he has to deal with it because he has a child.

All I have to say is that there are many men out there who would love to have a dedicated woman like yourself... baby included. I would certainly try some counciling if you can. But if things do not work out... just know that there are men out there who will love you for you... and will love your baby just because you love the baby too, and the baby is a part of you. I can tell that you are a great person with the right intentions. I'm sorry that things aren't working out with your husband/boyfriend. try getting some help for you two. But if worse comes to worse... know that you deserve better... and you can have better.

Today he acts more cold than ever, accusing me of liking my friends, who have girlfriends, who i am friends with!, and never had an intimate relationship with either.

Every word turns into an argument.



My first instinct is to go after his new interest. Which I know is really bad, maybe now that I have a child it will be different, because I don't want to get in trouble and lose my child.

I feel so alone right now...Even though he's right there.

The only problem I have is seeing him with someone else down the road, how am I to deal with that? If we were to break up...Because that is why we've gotten back together before. :-\

Summer once again he is accusing you of cheating. It is very suspect.

Have you ever thought of counselling? You can't go on like this.

You should find a valid way to deal with the situation , beacuse you still have long way to go , If he always treat you like this , can you bear it ?
Everyon hope to get happiness , as a husband and father , he has the obligation to love you and your child . he need see psychological doctor , I think . If he has big depress and he can tell you , I think you will give him spiritual support.
All to all , you are his wife and you should help him go out from shodow

I think he does have some kind of psychological thing going on, or a self esteem issue? But there is no way I'll be able to afford counseling, let alone get him to go.

He won't break down and tell me though if something is wrong personally with himself, he has huge man pride, in example, he won't let me drive him...I've drove him once in the entire time we have known each other. He underestimates me a lot too, in example, won't let me drive him, or drive his car.

I don't know what to do, every word turns into a fight. NOW he's being a detective on Myspace. We have a profile on there together, and I always add my friends, or people just to be nosey (lol). Well now, he's accusing me of these two recent guys I added that I met them at a party, even though I was at a family cookout that night, and not at a party, and I was just being NOSEY and wanted to see their babys pictures, and their party pictures, etc. Not to mention one guy is heavier than my B/f who has a weight problem, and the other guy is half my height, but yet I must like them!(sarcasm)

He did this before, trying to put two and two together to make a theory and a story. I hate to mention that he broke up with me when I was pregnant like every two months, in fact we were "broken up" when my water broke, and he took me to the hospital. Breaking up an dumping is just part of the relationship, it's said, but never meant.

He's possessive, and it's gotten really bad, obviously. Sometimes I can't bare sitting in his room (our) room, I feel like I too have become so anti-social...Remember even going to the store is a HUGE hassel for him.

I guess for now I will just keep hanging in there...And see where it goes. I am looking into getting my own apartment. Maybe that will help, because there are too many people living in this single family home (myself, my bf, our baby, his grandparents, and two other relatives), and I think it adds to the stress.

He is giving off too much signs that he is cheating. I mean even from the things he did those few years back should have sent off red flags. Yea, it may have been over the internet, but that doesnt mean you should brush it off. You're basically telling me he can emotionally cheat on you on the internet with no problem. This man is no good a boyfriend. He obviously doesnt really care about working the relationship out. You say he is a good father, let him be that and just that. Nothing else. Is it really worth the stress? What is he still doing to make you want to stick around? Unless he is doing something that benefits you relationship wise, I dont see why you're still there. You deserve better. I understand you have a child together, but just because you have a child you shouldnt be put through misery. You two should part ways as boyfriend and girlfriend, but continue the contact as mother and father. It's not a healthy relationship, and in the long run it wont be for the child either. Would you like for your child to be raised in a home like that? I personally think my daughter would deserve better and I definitely dont want her to be raised in the same home I was raised in. While thinking about your child, think about yourself as well. You deserve happiness too.

Update:We broke up.

Well he kept telling me we were over and such, so I finally said okay thats it then.

Now he keeps rubbing my name in the dirt calling me names like easy, and you know the sl*T...Wh**e stuff.

And turning his family against me, and keeps threatening to take our baby away from me!

Funny thing is he wants full custody of my son, but HE never watches him or takes care of him, his parents do.

The break up was near mutual, he just keeps degrading me and my reputation and saying when my son is old enough he's going to know that I'm a bad mother because he will tell him. I told him that is demented to tell a child.

My problem is: I have met someone already!

He is just about everything perfect that I didn't see in all my ex's or why I broke up with them. He even has a job and his own place. He's pretty much got himself together, he is two years younger than me though being 20, and being that young and that established I think is very good. Reminder: I am 22.

My X(23) wouldn't work, and the only reason he is in school is because I nagged him to death about it. His family wants to put me down about a new guy already, but yet they helped make it this way because they have no problem supporting him until they die.

I don't want to move too fast with this new guy, but it's like that feeling when your so happy with someone, when you first meet them, date them, etc.

One of my guy friends said whenever my X and I have broken up that I date the first guy that gives me attention. I don't beleive that because I am friends with a lot of guys, majority of them, and of course their girlfriends.

But sometimes I wonder if it is that way, but I am really picky. I stayed with my X because he was my first love and took my virginity and I was really possessive about him.

I am confused I guess, maybe need some advice, or comments on the situation.

Your ex sounds like my daughter's father in some ways. He is very immature and I'm glad you chose not to be with him anymore. As for the new guy, dont move too fast. Not only will it prove what your ex is saying is possibly true, but it's not a good idea to jump from relationship to the next just like that. He may seem perfect, but you got to make sure he is willing to be there for you and your son because your son comes as a package with you. You have to start looking for people who will benefit for your family and not just you, else you're giving yourself an extra set of stress for no necessary reason. As for the full custody thing that he is trying to pull, you gotta fight back and fight hard. This is going to be a struggle, but you'll make it through just dont give up.

Sorry to be a pessimist, but 20 year old males are in no psychological condition to raise someone else's child.

I think you should avoid dating for a LONG time. You have a child to raise, and if done properly, that takes up all your time anyway. And besides, your kid does not need to witness all the drama that goes along with dating.





Yeah, I'm a kill-joy. Sorry.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sorry to be a pessimist, but 20 year old males are in no psychological condition to raise someone else's child.

I think you should avoid dating for a LONG time. You have a child to raise, and if done properly, that takes up all your time anyway. And besides, your kid does not need to witness all the drama that goes along with dating.





Yeah, I'm a kill-joy. Sorry.

---

It's not about being a kill-joy, more so being realistic.

Sorry I forgot to mention how he is with my baby. He is really good with him actually, I have let him meet him once, when we hung out with him. I was really surprised that someone would even want a girl that had all the drama baggage and a child.

I'll keep it at a slow coast, and as far as him being 20 and not psychologically fit, my 23 x acts like he isn't psychologically fit either, he's a good dad in respects when someone is watching him with our child, or if he HAS to watch him. I guess that isn't a good father really, our child does adore him (my x) though.

Just because your baby's father isn't all you hoped for with regards to parenting, he is STILL the father. He is very young to have a baby, and most males have to grow into the parenting role. His lack of expertise has no bearing on the fact that 20 year old boys aren't ready to play daddy. I'm surprised you think a 20 year old is "good with the baby" after they were together only once. Did you expect someone who is bad with kids to start smacking them around the first time they meet?

Update:


The new guy I'm seeing, I still am. As far as him liking kids or wanting to be a father. Everyone has told me he is very good with kids he watches his step brother and sister. They are three and seven.

I don't expect him to be my sons father or act like it or anything like that.

The only lingering problem now is my sons REAL father doesn't ever want to see him. He didn't see him all week, and then seen him for a couple hours then called me to come pick him up because he had homework. Even though later on he was with his friends drunk.

I'm trying to keep him in his life the best I can, but I don't want my son being somewhere where he is not wanted.


The new guy I'm seeing is only 20, but hes got a job and his own place. My sons father hasn't had a job in two to three years now, and lives with his gparents who will support him to the end with no problem. I'm staying cool with his father and his family and not threatening to take him to court for custody or child support, I couldn't get it anyways.

Sounds like a case of too much too soon.

Someone's going to get hurt, I can see it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mishanya [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sounds like a case of too much too soon.

Someone's going to get hurt, I can see it.

---

It will be the kid, unfortunately.

Yeah I can see it heading that way too. You need time to yourself. So take things slooooooow. Don't think that this new guy is your way out. It can be scary on your own, and having a baby as well, I can't imagine how that must be. But you need this time. Tell this new guy that you want to take it slow... if he cares about you, he'll understand. Too much too quick is a very bad idea. Especially with everything else going on.

Try not to fight with your ex. Try and maintain a decent relationship with him for the sake of your baby. Him calling you those name just continually proves he's a child - don't stoop to his levels. Be strong. Don't let his insults get to you - because you know what you are like and he is just angry.

You've done the right thing to break up with him, he is no good for you. Let him be apart of his childs life, if he chooses not to right now, it's his choice... but always offer. He'll come round.

Most importantly in this, look after yourself and do the best for your child. Good luck :-)

Every man experiences a period of adaptation after a baby is born. Maybe he never imagined you as a mother, and now it's starnge for him.

This, though, impacted me

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by summer2 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

our pregnancy

---

It's one of the most beautiful ways to see a pregnancy, IMHO. Congratulations for the baby, and try to communicate with him a little more. He's now a father and probably scared, understand him a little.

Update:

I'm still with the new guy, who is now my boyfriend.

My babys father who is my ex, has really stepped up to wanting to see his son. We share our son he gets a week, and I get the next.

It got a little bumpy there, between my newboyfriend, and my ex. But my new boyfriend who is the younger but more mature between them, called my ex and they talked it out, and since then everything has been going well.

My sons father won't and vowed never to change a diaper, not even a wet one. My newboyfriend changes him, feeds him, and when my son who is 8 months is with us, he forgets I am even around lol.

Things are really starting to work out. My ex is seeing a new girl as well. The fact that there is no hard feelings about it, even when I see her when she's with my ex to get my son for his time, I think it really shows that our relationship is over, but keep it civilized and friendly for my son.

And those that said someone is going to get hurt, and that it will be my son, I don't know how he would even know what's going on at 6/7months old, and besides that, he is still number one and will always be in my life. Everyone involved in this situation realizes if this is the way its going to be, you have to think of the child first and foremost.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by summer2 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So I am trying to make it perfect for my child. Ugh.

---

Step one: lose the sperm donor and find a better father-figure for your baby.

Mission accomplished.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Step one: lose the sperm donor and find a better father-figure for your baby.

Mission accomplished.

---

I don't have a kid of my own by any means, but Giga is right.

Just because a man doesn't have a biological link to a child in no way means he cannot be the child's father figure. Your ex may have got you knocked up, but at what point was sex difficult or stressful? This new guy is filling dirtbag's shoes and its not even legally his child. If this guy wants to act like a father and you let him, then he is a better man than I can ever hope to be.