Complicated Long Distance Love

Hi everyone, this is my first and maybe only post on here but could do with some quick and sensible advice.

I have met a girl completely by chance in australia through facebook. This happened 2 months ago and every day since we speak and chat online for around 5hrs a day and exchange 10 emails a day between us. Even when there is nothing to talk about we are never lost for words. She is everything i could ask for in a girl, she is kind, supportive, intelligent, attractive, we have everything in common and i mean everything and are the mirror image of each other in every respect. After 2 months of this ultimately we have fallen in love with each other and each others personalities and have now discussed meeting to confirm everything before arranging our futures. But....and there is a huge but, this is the problem.

I am married with 2 children whom i adore. I work weedends and i spend my whole week with the kids and couldnt bear to be apart from them.
My marriage is mundane and my wife and i have nothing in common except the children, we have grown apart. We used to be compatable but we have changed as people and now want different things.
We have had problems within the marriage which we have both been at fault for but psychologically i am now seperated from my wife and with this other girl. I cannot bear to be on my own with my wife after the children have gone to bed because we have nothing to say to each other and my mind is elsewhere. I feel extreme guilt because of what i am feeling for this other girl.
The other girl is supportive and understands my situation, she has agreed that if i do not feel the time is right to fly out to meet then she says leave it till January and she will come here. I had got a visa organised and was going to fly out yesterday but couldnt go through with it in case the children got ill while i was away or something along those lines, plus im not keen on a 22hr flight. I also felt guilty that if this other girl was to eventually live here she would have to suffer the financial burden of me having to pay maintenance and that she would have to spend long periods away from her own family whom she is close to but we said that our love and support would enable us to cross those bridges. So with all that and the guilt i felt towards the children, i unwantingly instigated cutting contact this girl. We went through the goodbye process with both of us knowing it wasnt what we wanted and there were tears on both sides, it just didnt seem fair. Within hours of that i had mailed her and a few hours later she returned my mail. There is such a strong bond between us, neither of us can let go.
Right now i find myself on the verge of booking the tickets for tomorrow and going.

I know marriages become mundane and need to be kept alive but even before i had met this girl i had left my wife for 4 days as the problems were already there and had been for about a year. One part of me says that i married my wife and started a family and that maybe i should just make the best of it, but on the other hand i know that i could lead a very happy life with this other girl and that i owe it to myself as life is short. Ultimately if i choose option 2, my children will suffer upheaval, our home will have to be sold, schools will have to change and eventually another man will raise them. All of those things concern me, so do i put up with things or move forward and follow my heart. I know only i can decide but would be interested to hear what anybody else thinks.

I meant to add that i am in England so we couldnt be much farther apart, but that doesnt really seem to be the issue. The outcome will be the same whether its a girl 12 miles away or 12000 miles away.

Are you okay with leaving your family to take a chance with another relationship...a relationship that will require work to maintain, just like the one you already have?

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/25301-collection-doomed-internet-relationships.html[/url]

Thank you for the contribution!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by james1971 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Ultimately if i choose option 2, my children will suffer upheaval, our home will have to be sold, schools will have to change and eventually another man will raise them. All of those things concern me, so do i put up with things or move forward and follow my heart. I know only i can decide but would be interested to hear what anybody else thinks.

---

It sounds like you are very clear about how splitting with your wife would negatively impact your children, so honestly, I can't imagine how you could possibly entertain the idea any further. You aren't 15 anymore - you are a FATHER. That means you are supposed to put your children first.

Why don't you try investing the effort you've spent on this other woman on trying to improve your marriage? After all, things would be mundane with the girlfriend in a few years, too. The only difference would be that you would have stomped all over the life of two little kids in an effort to satisfy the little boy inside you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Frasbee [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/25301-collection-doomed-internet-relationships.html[/url]

Thank you for the contribution!

---

Frasbee puts this guys relationship in the collection of doomed relationships, but not the girl who doesn't know if she should continue letting her boyfriend shit on her chest?

When you fall in love, you think everthing is possible. I mean you haven't lived or met this other gal yet so how are you so sure you can find happiness with her? Remembered the wedding vows and when you and your wife fall in love? How much you guys had gone through and build a family? Talk to your wife and get some counselling. If you are not going to mend things with your wife and rush into another relationship, the possibility of failling in another relationship is very high.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by doppelgaenger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Frasbee puts this guys relationship in the collection of doomed relationships, but not the girl who doesn't know if she should continue letting her boyfriend shit on her chest?

---

Doomed Internet Relationships.

There are plenty of doomed relationships, and the one you cited was one of the more unique ones, anyway.

Thank you for the replies so far. Unfortunately there is nothing there to really help me as what seems to have been ignored that i have already said "my wife and i have nothing in common except the children, we have grown apart. We used to be compatable but we have changed as people and now want different things".

This has nothing to do with behaving like a 15 year old boy, its about common sense and doing what is best for the children. What i might have expected is for people to have maybe said that i need to seperate but be on my own because if you take the other girl out of the equasion that would still be the logical response under the circumstances.

So tell me, how long would you flog a dead horse for?

Either that or replies are based on staying together for the sake of the children, something that i would imagine would be 50/50 amongst opinions.

I've come to the conclusion that people live too long nowadays.

"Until death do we part" was probably applicable back when death was only a stone's throw away, anyway.

Now we live to like, 80.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by james1971 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thank you for the replies so far. Unfortunately there is nothing there to really help me as what seems to have been ignored that i have already said "my wife and i have nothing in common except the children, we have grown apart. We used to be compatable but we have changed as people and now want different things".

This has nothing to do with behaving like a 15 year old boy, its about common sense and doing what is best for the children. What i might have expected is for people to have maybe said that i need to seperate but be on my own because if you take the other girl out of the equasion that would still be the logical response under the circumstances.

So tell me, how long would you flog a dead horse for?

---

Just... stop.

What you really want is for people to say "yeah, dump the wife; your kids will be fine", but they won't get through this without being damaged. Sorry, but that's the truth and I won't pretend otherwise.

Maybe you should seek some marriage counseling. I think unless your wife is having an affair, abuses the kids, or is a crackhead, you should make every effort to honor your commitment, at least until the kids are grown. This does not include chatting up some internet woman.

What ever happened to devotion? What ever happened to people being mentally and with their heart committed? Whatever happened to honesty?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by james1971 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thank you for the replies so far. Unfortunately there is nothing there to really help me as what seems to have been ignored that i have already said "my wife and i have nothing in common except the children, we have grown apart. We used to be compatable but we have changed as people and now want different things".

This has nothing to do with behaving like a 15 year old boy, its about common sense and doing what is best for the children. What i might have expected is for people to have maybe said that i need to seperate but be on my own because if you take the other girl out of the equasion that would still be the logical response under the circumstances.

---

bishop....

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jade Altair [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What ever happened to devotion? What ever happened to people being mentally and with their heart committed? Whatever happened to honesty?

---

Devotion is a crock of shit. People were devoted because they had to be. If a woman left her husband just a few measly decades ago no other man would want her and she couldn't hope to get a decent job. So she'd either leave her husband and her children behind or she'd take her children away into a life of poverty.

Commitment is also a crock. It's time people grew up. It's time they discarded their little fairy tale notions. It's time they started acting like rational beings.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gribble [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Devotion is a crock of shit. People were devoted because they had to be. If a woman left her husband just a few measly decades ago no other man would want her and she couldn't hope to get a decent job. So she'd either leave her husband and her children behind or she'd take her children away into a life of poverty.

Commitment is also a crock. It's time people grew up. It's time they discarded their little fairy tale notions. It's time they started acting like rational beings.

---

Like the careless rational beings on here who leave their poor wives to fend for themselves with children just so they can have a night out with another woman? I wouldn't want to decide someone's life and their actions but devotion and commitment in some things is necessary even if it has nothing to do with relationships.

I encourage you to stay with your wife. Try turning one of those five hours per day you spend talking to your new friend to talking to your wife and taking more of an interest in her, even if you don't feel as though you have much in common with her.

Best of luck.

I can understand that relationships and marriages can become mundane and monotonous after a while. But that is not a rational excuse for you to leave your wife and your own children like that. The impression that I got after reading about your situation is that I think you are being unfair to your own family. Sure, even within a marriage or a relationship with our significant other, there may be times that we find ourselves naturally drawn or attracted to another member of the opposite sex down the road, but if the idea of love and commitment is really present within a relationship, then one would be inclined to shed whatever feelings or romantic affiliations that he/she may have with a third wheeler involved, no matter how difficult it may be.

Re-analyze your situation and think about the priorities that you ought to address. Associating yourself further with this new girl will only pave the way for deeper problems or a wider gap between your own wife and your two children.

I am not in the position to judge your current relationship with this new girl; however, I would like to point out a few things to consider. How would you know if down the road, the same thing may happen as well? Could it have been just mere infatuation? A response to hormonal urges just to relive the times of passionate romance and fiery love-making which you claim you no longer experience with your own wife?

What would guarantee your full compatibility with this new person and your assurance that the passion will still be ignited in full flame as long as you both will live together? Think back to the time when you first fell in love with your wife-to-be. What qualities made you attracted to her? And why did you marry her in the first place? There must have been some kind of spark or chemistry that took place between the both of you that made things rise to the next level in terms of finally coming to a decision to love one another and remain committed for life. Were those marriage vows meaningless to you?

I would suggest talking out things with your wife or seek counseling. Do what you can to relive those moments when you both were madly in love with one another - those days when you had so much in common and were totally devoted to one another. I suggest you not to devote any more effort and time on this new girl. I'm sure your marriage would blossom if you and your wife were to allocate that same amount of effort and time to make things work out the way they should. If you and your current wife have established a healthy relationship full of trust, understanding, and commitment, I would assure you, you would not have responded and thrust forward upon impulse in seeking a new relationship with another woman. And needless to say, the fact that this is long distance already suggests the possibility of failure in which such physical separation can be a hindering setback and may pose as an obstacle between both people in terms of maintaining consistent communication and contact with one another.

Be a husband. Be a father. Take full responsibility and maturity on the matter and put your own family on first priority above all else. Be considerate. Do not open the door for emotional distress and burden within familial ties. You either don't care or don't realize the emotional impacts and consequences that may arise from your selfish behavior and inconsiderate nature. Yes, I am criticizing you for your actions. But do understand that I am only trying to offer helpful advice so you won't be allowing yourself and your family to be falling into an endless pit of agony and distress for many years to come.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gribble [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Commitment is also a crock. It's time people grew up. It's time they discarded their little fairy tale notions. It's time they started acting like rational beings.

---

Gribble, I completely disagree with you on this.

Commitment is NOT a crock. It is a life-defining concept.

Family, marriage, loyalty, work. Honor. Goodness. Friendship--one I have been thinking about a lot recently.

These are ALL esoteric concepts that have absolutely NO meaning except that which we choose to give it.

Commitment is not about a relationship. It is about the person making it.

The only thing that makes it a 'crock' is that ppl don't take it more seriously. If they did, then a lot of our society's issues would improve immediately. I don't just mean marriage. I mean commitment to making sure children are cared for, people are treated well and with dignity, that we behave better than animals, because we CHOOSE to.

Grow up, much, Gribble? You don't bother to disagree that ppl shouldn't abuse their kids or that husbands shouldn't cheat on their wives. Or that ppl shouldn't kill each other. Those are ALL forms of commitment to an ideal.

Think about it, you too, James.

Well I think I have to disagree with all of You guys... It's based about my own experience... Well My mother stayed with my father JUST FOR SAKE OF CHILDREN well actually not me,cause we are 5 together and I am the youngest,and they divorced when I was about 12. Well because my Mum stayed with my father so long, now they hate each other. Can You all imagine how crazy can for example Christmas be,when You listen how stupid Your mother or father is? Depends on with whom You spend it. Maybe they don't say "stupid" ,but they say enough bad things about each others... Really . Divorce nowadays is just a good solution of escaping from what already not exist instead of killing Your wife/husband. His wife seems to be ok with being with someone else,and kids... Really,they won't die. We're not in 50s or 60s... Greets , PP

Petite, I'm sorry for your experience, but your mom wasn't committed. Not by my definition. To either her happiness (or she would have left sooner) or her family/marriage. And that is what causes the problems.

Oh yeah Indi she was committed and still is to her family.It was me and my selfishness.Cause when I was small I was forcing her to stay with my father ,showing her how angry I am at her etc. And I just didn't want them to divorce just because every kid I knew was in a "whole" family.And I felt just embarrased.But I shouldn't,cause when it finally happenned,I was still alive,my friends still were my friends,even after I told my friends that my parents divorced they've started to talk about their problems at home,that their parents also have a lot of fights etc.
And I mean, how can You say to this guy to stay with a person who he doesn't love just for sake of his kids? Isn't it worst to live with parents and know that they don't love each other,and maybe even hate? No happy family holidays or trips or I don't know what. It's hypocrisy.

And I'm not telling that he should run into this internet relationship , it sounds little bit crazy but... I think he shouldn't stay in a marriage where there is no love.They both still can be happy,and their kids too.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gribble [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Devotion is a crock of shit. People were devoted because they had to be. If a woman left her husband just a few measly decades ago no other man would want her and she couldn't hope to get a decent job. So she'd either leave her husband and her children behind or she'd take her children away into a life of poverty.

Commitment is also a crock. It's time people grew up. It's time they discarded their little fairy tale notions. It's time they started acting like rational beings.

---

Gribble, there's nothing "rational" about discarding family and commitments just to follow an itch in your d**k half a world away. There's little need for commitments when they are easy to keep. I would hate to live in a world where promises are universally disposible.

You know what the real "fairy tale" is? That we always have to be happy with our serious promises, and if not ... just throw them away. Such is the unfettered pursuit of happiness.

And to those who say "if you are unhappy, it's better for the kids to split up." When I was a young adult, my mother confided in me that her and my father's marriage had become unhappy ten years earlier. You know what? I never had a clue because they both decided that their own happiness was less important than their commitment to provide a stable home for the children they created, so they NEVER bickered or sniped in front of us.

Carl.

The more you post, Carl, the more I'm liking you. Thanks for that last.

I remember when I saw one of Carl's first posts. I was thinking, "Who is this guy?..he is so full of wisdom". Intelligent, realistic, and mature. ;)

Actually Carl, I am 99.9% sure you misunderstood Gribble's post. Based on his writings in many previous posts, I am rather sure he feels that feeling "devoted" is a dumb reason to remain faithful because feelings are transitory. One should remain faithful because they promised to, if for no other reason. Assuming this is what he meant, I agree with him.

Of course, maybe I am misunderstanding him.

I have no doubt that if Gribble were to meet someone he wanted to commit to, his commitment would be rock-solid. He just hasn't met her yet. Maybe he never will. He might, though, and I'm sure he would be the first to admit that he didn't know what he was talking about back when he was spouting all of that He-Man rhetoric about being "rational".

but you're committed with your family. are you just gonna walk out like that.