Obsessed or Normal?

Hello I have decided to turn to this forum for some help and advice. I am having an affair with a lovely woman in the UK, it is online and distant but we have met and we got on well. The problem is I still think about her every single moment of every single day and despite my best efforts it doesn't get any easier. This as you can imagine has caused some tension and issues in the relationship as it has made me quite needy in relation to contact, which given our situations (we are both married) is not easy.

Is it right or even normal to still be feeling like this after 6 months, will it get better, is there anything I can do about it? I think right now I just need to hear that this is normal and will one day go away, or at least become manageable!

Thanks

K

It's normal and it's managable, but you have to manage it.

This means breaking it off completely with her.

You must know that this is an impossible relationship anyway, so don't be tempted to try to remain friends ... that can turn 6 months of pain into six years of pain!

Carl.

I'm not sure why you say it's impossible, difficult yes and at times very but why would I want to leave someone who makes me so happy, someone I make happy. Is the only solution to this to break both of our hearts, there has to be another way, doesn't there?

What's your wife think?

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Originally Posted by PheasantPerson [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm not sure why you say it's impossible, difficult yes and at times very but why would I want to leave someone who makes me so happy, someone I make happy. Is the only solution to this to break both of our hearts, there has to be another way, doesn't there?

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I dunno ... maybe because you're both married? Are there kids involved in either family?

Also because you live on two different continents.

Your original question was is the pain normal and how do I get over it. How did it become "how do I make it work?" I don't think that many in here will advise you to get over the pain by blowing up two marriages.

Carl.

WOW I joined this site for advice, not a judge and jury! If only life were as simple as falling in love conveniently, all you say is right but you can't just fall out of love when you have fallen for someone this hard!

Sorry to offend so many!

You can't come onto a site like this and 'pick & choose' the types of advice you'll get. Be prepared to hear the hard truth, then decide for yourself what is right for you.

Anyway, Love is just hormone addiction, PP. There is hard scientific evidence for this now. Once you realize & accept that, your view on the 'reality' of these situation changes. So does your desperation about what you are feeling.

I've got nothing against Love, btw, its a wonderful, useful biologicial feeling, but I do have a problem with people who think its the end-all-be-all of their existence. I have a problem with adults who let their hormones control their thinking, rational brains. Its like drugs & alcohol: fun, but take care one doesn't get addicted. There are more important things, like raising healthy children & helping humanity, IMO.

My advice to you is a choice:

- break it off with your affair partner, a LDR isn't fair to either of you

- divorce your partners and be together

Good luck.

And don't forget that online you're only shown the ups and not the downs.

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Originally Posted by PheasantPerson [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

WOW I joined this site for advice, not a judge and jury! If only life were as simple as falling in love conveniently, all you say is right but you can't just fall out of love when you have fallen for someone this hard!

Sorry to offend so many!

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I'm not offended by it, well maybe a bit, but I think it's irresponsible. Maybe you can't fall out of love when you fall hard, but what you do about it is certainly under your control. What would you do if you fell hard for your best friend's wife, and why? Does your new girlfriend's husband (and your wife) deserve less just because her husband is a stranger to you?

You essentially have two choices: 1) Do whatever you want regardless of the consequences because you want her so badly, or 2) Do the only decent thing because neither of you are available for each other without violating your own commitment to your spouses.

Carl.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You can't come onto a site like this and 'pick & choose' the types of advice you'll get. Be prepared to hear the hard truth, then decide for yourself what is right for you.

Anyway, Love is just hormone addiction, PP. There is hard scientific evidence for this now. Once you realize & accept that, your view on the 'reality' of these situation changes. So does your desperation about what you are feeling.

I've got nothing against Love, btw, its a wonderful, useful biologicial feeling, but I do have a problem with people who think its the end-all-be-all of their existence. I have a problem with adults who let their hormones control their thinking, rational brains. Its like drugs & alcohol: fun, but take care one doesn't get addicted. There are more important things, like raising healthy children & helping humanity, IMO.

My advice to you is a choice:

- break it off with your affair partner, a LDR isn't fair to either of you

- divorce your partners and be together

Good luck.

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Add to the part in bold ... and honoring commitments and taking responsibility.

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Originally Posted by carl1222 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Add to the part in bold ... and honoring commitments and taking responsibility.

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Damn right. But I guess I just lump those together with raising kids.

Honestly, if there weren't kids involved, I might not be so quick to dismiss their relationship. Marriage is really just a glorified form of bondage. Both ppl should get something out of the relationship.

So I guess I'm a little less emphatic about failed marriages once the kids are out the door.

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Originally Posted by PheasantPerson [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

WOW I joined this site for advice, not a judge and jury! If only life were as simple as falling in love conveniently, all you say is right but you can't just fall out of love when you have fallen for someone this hard!

Sorry to offend so many!

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This forum is called "Loveforum" not "Helpmewithmyaffairforum". If you are interested in bringing pain to your partner, your infatuation, her partner and many others, you will most likely not find a lot of willing accomplices here. Just like you won't find willing accomplices here to recommend best ways to kill kittens. It's not right what you are doing, deep down you know that.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You can't come onto a site like this and 'pick & choose' the types of advice you'll get. Be prepared to hear the hard truth, then decide for yourself what is right for you.

Anyway, Love is just hormone addiction, PP. There is hard scientific evidence for this now. Once you realize & accept that, your view on the 'reality' of these situation changes. So does your desperation about what you are feeling.

I've got nothing against Love, btw, its a wonderful, useful biologicial feeling, but I do have a problem with people who think its the end-all-be-all of their existence. I have a problem with adults who let their hormones control their thinking, rational brains. Its like drugs & alcohol: fun, but take care one doesn't get addicted. There are more important things, like raising healthy children & helping humanity, IMO.

My advice to you is a choice:

- break it off with your affair partner, a LDR isn't fair to either of you

- divorce your partners and be together

Good luck.

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So true, Indi ... I read recently that infatuation is virtually indistinguishable chemically from methamphetamine addiction except for the internal source of the addiction.

Yep. But its not just infatuation, attachment phases are also chemical. Just that the wiring is more complex.

Still, I don't mean to take ALL the romance out of love. The few men I've loved have all been incredible specimens of the species. Its a damn fine system that is honed to make even the most cynical of us drop our pants at the right set of signals. :D

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yep. But its not just infatuation, attachment phases are also chemical. Just that the wiring is more complex.

Still, I don't mean to take ALL the romance out of love. The few men I've loved have all been incredible specimens of the species. Its a damn fine system that is honed to make even the most cynical of us drop our pants at the right set of signals. :D

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Well put, Indi. :D but ...

Maybe I'm a romantic but I think "love" is uniquely human ... the ability to place the relationship above the lower animalistic "infatuation" or the even lower animalistic "sexual attraction." Hell, my dog can do that when she's in heat! Lots of times the best genetic objects can be the worst relationship choices.

A few women I've loved have been far less than incredible specimens of the species ... some have been plain and a bit heavier than our culture values require ... yet they had qualities that made those superficialities less than important ... oh wait ... maybe those qualities DO make them incredible specimens of the species after all!!!

Carl.

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Originally Posted by carl1222 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Maybe I'm a romantic but I think "love" is uniquely human ... the ability to place the relationship above the lower animalistic "infatuation" or the even lower animalistic "sexual attraction."

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Penguins and Swans instinctualy find a partner with which they form a monogamous relationship for life.

[url]http://dianechabs.blogspot.com/2006/05/monogamous-animals-and-random-useless.html[/url]

[url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swan[/url]


I think humans can learn a lot from our avian role models :)

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Originally Posted by Mishanya [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Penguins and Swans instinctualy find a partner with which they form a monogamous relationship for life.

[url]http://dianechabs.blogspot.com/2006/05/monogamous-animals-and-random-useless.html[/url]

[url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swan[/url]


I think humans can learn a lot from our avian role models :)

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Birds are cool, Mishanya ... many are monogamous but I doubt they have the level of rational thought to decide to do so ... so maybe they feel something like human infatuation, or just an undefinable instinct ... but nothing like human love. Human love is work.

Carl.

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Originally Posted by carl1222 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Birds are cool, Mishanya ... many are monogamous but I doubt they have the level of rational thought to decide to do so ... so maybe they feel something like human infatuation, or just an undefinable instinct ... but nothing like human love. Human love is work.

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Since when does love need rational thought? Compatibility and intimacy is usually all you need to get hooked. Rational thought comes afterwards or not at all :D

Well, we don't know, we are not them. All we have are results. They stay monogamous for life and many die when their partners die. It looks like love to me.

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Originally Posted by Mishanya [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Since when does love need rational thought? Compatibility and intimacy is usually all you need to get hooked. Rational thought comes afterwards or not at all :D

Well, we don't know, we are not them. All we have are results. They stay monogamous for life and many die when their partners die. It looks like love to me.

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I guess we disagree on what love is, Mishanya. You see love as a feeling, I see it as a verb ... an action ... a rational choice to commit.

You get hooked on infatuation that lasts what ... maybe 3-5 years at best? ... far short of love that lasts maybe 60 years despite sagging breasts, flabby asses and wrinkles. Anything less is not love.

You are right ... bird love looks like love ... but I doubt it IS love.

Carl.

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Originally Posted by PheasantPerson [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

WOW I joined this site for advice, not a judge and jury! If only life were as simple as falling in love conveniently, all you say is right but you can't just fall out of love when you have fallen for someone this hard!

Sorry to offend so many!

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So you want us to tell you that having an emotional affair is okay? Do you want us to tell you it's okay to break your wife's heart? Do you have children? Should we tell you it's okay to put your desires above their needs?

Be a man. Grow some balls. Break off your absurd internet-fling. If you can't, at least have the courage to inform your wife so she can file for divorce. What you're doing is low and dirty and not a day goes by that you shouldn't be ashamed of yourself.

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Originally Posted by carl1222 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I guess we disagree on what love is, Mishanya. You see love as a feeling, I see it as a verb ... an action ... a rational choice to commit.

You get hooked on infatuation that lasts what ... maybe 3-5 years at best? ... far short of love that lasts maybe 60 years despite sagging breasts, flabby asses and wrinkles. Anything less is not love.

You are right ... bird love looks like love ... but I doubt it IS love.

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The birds I mentioned stick with each other through flabby asses and wrinkles (maybe ruffled feathers) and not for 60 years but through entire lifetime. They commit to their partner and no one else (no other bird) from beginning to the end, even though they might be tempted by some feelings. I think they perfectly fit your definition of love.

I honestly don't understand what you disagree with.


Also, I didn't say that love is just a feeling. I said "Compatibility and intimacy is usually all you need to get hooked. Rational thought comes afterwards or not at all". Everyone has different definitions of love. For me it's Intimacy + passion + commitment. The 3rd coming into the picture a bit later than the first two. This perspective is entirely consistent with my other posts in this thread.

Actually, I've read that is something of a myth that's recently begun to be deflated. Birds aren't as monogamous as we've been lead to believe.

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Originally Posted by Gribble [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Actually, I've read that is something of a myth that's recently begun to be deflated. Birds aren't as monogamous as we've been lead to believe.

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I don't know about other birds, but there were studies that showed Swans and Penguins are. Ofcourse there are cases that defy the standard.

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"Swans have long been renowned as symbols of lifelong fidelity and devotion, but our recent work has shown that infidelity is rife among black swans," said Raoul Mulder from the University of Melbourne's zoology department.

He and colleagues tested the DNA of many cygnets and found that one in six is the product of an illicit encounter. Researchers now wonder how females manage to slip away from their over-protective partners, to mate on the side. To find out they are now attaching tracking devices on swans' tail feathers.

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I also read about a certain species of black bird considered to be monogamous. This particular species was overrunning its habitat so scientists decided to give some of the male's vasectomies. To their surprise the females continued laying eggs.

Very interesting, thanks Gribble

There are some that deviate from standard, but majority are monogamous :)

Aren't horses "monogamous"?

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Anyway, Love is just hormone addiction, PP. There is hard scientific evidence for this now.

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Whoa whoa, wait a minute.

What in the **** is a hormone addiction? What the **** is that?

Its what I said, love is chemical. So is longterm attachment (for Carl), its just the changes for that are more permanent. Not completely tho.

For all you romantics out there, don't freak out. It doesn't make the experience of human love any less enjoyable or signficant, it just puts it in a different, more rational context. Like how understanding the mechanics of an orgasm doesn't decrease ones enjoyment of sex, or shouldn't.

Anyway, you should be telling your GF "I love you from the bottom of my brain", cause that's what it is.

[url]http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/how_love_hormones_work[/url]

Oh and for Mish - I've read the same things Gribble has about birds & monogamy. While its true many birds mate for life, they are not monogamous. Read 'The Red Queen' if you like this topic. Its similar for humans too, I think. I forget the exact #s, but I think its around 25% of second children are not fathered by 'daddy'. Cuckolding is pretty common for humans too.

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Originally Posted by carl1222 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

A few women I've loved have been far less than incredible specimens of the species ... some have been plain and a bit heavier than our culture values require ... yet they had qualities that made those superficialities less than important ... oh wait ... maybe those qualities DO make them incredible specimens of the species after all!!!

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Oh this. Actually, Carl, we know that attraction in humans is actually based a lot on smell. Apparently human pheremones contain a signal that tells a potential partner about our immune system (which is genetically based) and whether they will complement each other. Complementary immune systems = healthier children = our selfish genes make it into the next century.

So, those 'less than incredible' females actually had that "certain something" that made them attractive to you. They 'got what u need'.

Look up sexual selection & immune system (MHC) if you want to read more.

Gosh, I'm sort of feeling like a parent telling their kids that Santa & the Easter Bunny doesn't exist. But it is nevertheless what we now know. :upset:

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Its what I said, love is chemical. So is longterm attachment (for Carl), its just the changes for that are more permanent. Not completely tho.

For all you romantics out there, don't freak out. It doesn't make the experience of human love any less enjoyable or signficant, it just puts it in a different, more rational context. Like how understanding the mechanics of an orgasm doesn't decrease ones enjoyment of sex, or shouldn't.

Anyway, you should be telling your GF "I love you from the bottom of my brain", cause that's what it is.

[url]http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/how_love_hormones_work[/url]

Oh and for Mish - I've read the same things Gribble has about birds & monogamy. While its true many birds mate for life, they are not monogamous. Read 'The Red Queen' if you like this topic. Its similar for humans too, I think. I forget the exact #s, but I think its around 25% of second children are not fathered by 'daddy'. Cuckolding is pretty common for humans too.

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Love isn't chemical. Humans are.

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Originally Posted by doppelgaenger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Love isn't chemical. Humans are.

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Where does that come from? From your heart or from the work of highly educated men and women backed by millions?

Sorry, my bad.

Love is a human experience resulting from the action of various hormones and neurochemical pathways being stimulated by either internal or external stimuli.

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Originally Posted by Gribble [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Where does that come from? From your heart or from the work of highly educated men and women backed by millions?

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Oooohoo hoo hoo hoo! Millions.

Mao had millions. Hitler did too. :D Are the people who have money the ones who are always right?

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sorry, my bad.

Love is a human experience resulting from the action of various hormones and neurochemical pathways being stimulated by either internal or external stimuli.

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Kind of. Love is a combination of chemicals, feelings, memories, behaviour, and sexuality.

I mean, yeah, that's how it works. But love is still love, no?

Hey :)
here's my humble offering. It's seems to me that this page is full of cynics. Love- the real stuff- is inconvenient, painfull, and non-sensical. Its not something that you pencil into your bloody day planner! You've met this person by chance and the feelings that you have developed for them have stood the test of time (six moths right?) and distance- MAYBE, just maybe this is more than a cheap affair. A word of caution to my fairytale- * if you are gonna invest anymore of your precious time and heart in this relationship you need to be fair to all concerned- i.e you need to evaluate your situation and come clean to your wife- she deserves to be with a man who is invested in her and ONLY her *also look before you leap- is your sweetheart on the same page? How honest can you be with one another? If there are any grey areas tread with caution or you'll lose it all. But everybody deserves LOVE- the real stuff- that BIG love that you wanted before the world beat the hope outta you. Seems to me everybody else on this page has maybe settled for less in their lives- they're so keen to judge you. If it all goes west with your sweetheart you still need to take a long hard look at your marraige- it's obviously not fulfilling you as you need- else you would look no further. Good luck with a very difficult (yet hopeful) situation. Maybe you've found the good stuff! x