Is it because they are not emotionally pampered at home? or is it because they lack self esteem that they crave every attention they can get? or both?
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Is it because they are not emotionally pampered at home? or is it because they lack self esteem that they crave every attention they can get? or both?
It could be both for some people. Some reports say that they lack it at home. I can't recall but I think one study said that couples who live together only talk to each other for about 10 or 20 minutes per day. If forget but it was very low. Crazy huh? We become so busy that we think we spoke to our partners because we are around them but in fact we really haven't.
We talk to our co-workers more in some cases!
EDIT: I mean emotional intimacy mainly.
some get bored easily. there are just too many factors to pinpoint anything really and as we all know every relationship is different!! must not forget that, too bad we live in a world full of selfish ppl.
Is it selfish if you feel miserable at home...every single day? For months and years?
When you are a couple it requires two people to keep it going well. People change and relationships change.
Honestly, I don't really understand some of you unmarried people. This is your warning bell ringing! If people can't manage to remain loyal during a BF/GF relationship, they damn sure aren't going to be able to do it in a long term marriage. Just move on and be grateful you found out before you got married and had kids.
The report I read was of married couples. Hopefully the bf/gf would not have this experience when married because they would have broken up (before marriage) for cheating...hopefully.
People change and some feel it's okay to change or not work so hard for the relationship now that they are married. That's a big mistake in my opinion.
Its usually neither (for the OP). Its b/c of a breakdown in good communication, or the lack of a solid foundation of such to begin with. Partners then get frustrated, feel neglected and get caught in a negative spiral. If someone doesn't break it, one or both end up cheating and/or they break up/divorce.Quote:
Originally Posted by lesa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
As Lesa said, it requires two ppl to keep things going well, tho only one person to make things a complete mess.
That was besides the point but what i meant by selfish is that for some reason most ppl tend to stay in the relationship when they aren't happy and cheat, OR they don't want to let go of what they have and still cheat...in other words there are just a lot of selfish ppl.
Sure, there are lots of selfish ppl. But these things are usually more complex than "oh they are a scummy cheater". Nothing happens in a vacuum.
That said, there ARE ppl who have no business being in a 'committed' relationship, b/c they just aren't prepared for what that means. Which was Vash's point, in case you didn't understand. Is that what you are pondering? Why such ppl bother?
Yeah, I don't understand cheaters (especially the ones with no children together-sorry to say it like that). I guess it's too hard for the cheater to just leave.
It's complicated I am sure. I never want to experience it. I hurt just imagining that.
The term selfish is also complicated. It can be good and bad. It depends on the situation. I used to use that word often to mean bad but now I think a little may be good.
oh i didn't mean vash! it was more toward lesa "Is it selfish if you feel miserable at home...every single day? For months and years?". It's not selfish to be miserable in the relationship for months and years, or what not, but it's selfish to stay in it which is their choice. So technically it's their choice to stay miserable...being selfish IS necessary for your own happiness at times. But not when it's at the expense of others.
But what happens when one needs to weigh one's personal happiness with say, those of young children?
In that case, I'm not sure you can so easily dismiss a person's choice to stay 'selfishly' in a miserable relationship when it means their children are happy.
As I say, its often more complicated than you suggest. Tho, if the couple doesn't have kids, then I would agree with you. The desperately unhappy person should split before they choose to cheat.
and when I said that previously you totally bashed me.Quote:
Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I honestly don't think any children would be happy if their parents aren't happy. Children are never happy in a home that includes cheating parents which i'm sure causes arguments/fights....all kinds of chaos. And when they're young they don't really understand, can't blame them for that but if they knew the reasons and were old enough to understand i think in the long-run they'd be much better off with separate parents who are happy.
Bare with me as my dyslexia starts acting up hehe. There was so many ways to interpret your first post Bo that mine was just one of them.
As Indi stated, it is very complicated. No relationship with have happiness 24/7 (you know this). Also, it is not healthy to expect your partner to keep you happy. Your job in a relationship is to remain a partnership and to keep the communication going. When problems occur, most couple don't want to quickly give up and end the relationship (but that depends on the issues, dealbreakers, etc).
My old relationship had no cheating but we were distracted with many things and began to lose that partnership and was going back to being mostly individuals (aka selfish?). If we had stayed, (because we want to save the relationship (aka unselfish?) then who knows what would have happen. We were already mostly selfish because of poor communication and dissatisfaction.
What can the married couple do in that situation?
It's comlicated no matter the solution.
Not all cheating relationship reacts in chaos to the spouse or the children. I'm sure they may be rare (and probably not me) but they are out there--especially the women of traditional outlooks. I guess.Quote:
Originally Posted by .Bo. [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
And separation doesn't necessarily mean that one couple is happy for it...it was probably needed at the time (no better alternative). It is seen way too often correct?
Did I, Dig? Are you sure you understood what I was saying? B/c I have always believed this, in fact, I've lived it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Indignant [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I think I was probably referring to the fact that a person should be able to make this decision AND not cheat. Deciding to stay in a 'miserable' relationship is not carte blanche to become a cheater. It means they make a commitment to make things better. Children will not be happy in a faux 'happy' relationship, that is true.
This I agree with. Which is why I think its the responsibility of the person in the affair to decide what is most important to them: their personal happiness or their childrens. If the latter, they need to have the personal integrity to not cheat.Quote:
Originally Posted by .Bo. [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
people like attention right? people lap it up (especially in men imo) if someone gives them more attention, it's silly imo, it's when they let it get physical then it goes past the point of no return. i don't give a shit if my future partner is so called emotionally cheating as long as he is coming home with me and will obviously be sharing emotional stuff, otherwise i will end up breaking the marriage or relationship anyway, coz one would feel the difference. it's not cheating unless they betray me physically, emotionally cheating is bad but repairable imo if both parties still care (obviously)
Okay you said "as long as he is coming home with me and will obviously be sharing emotional stuff".
I can't argue the point that emotional cheaters usually do not come home and share much of this info with you. He will come home to you but share these issues to Sarah--the girl at his job. Then he may get closer and they may say they love each other but cannot act on it because he has a promise to that darn eco. He will probably describe you in a negative way. Sarah would be looking better every day because he can share his feelings finally.
Act quickly or you will lose him physically if you have not already.
Communications is the main factor in a relationship. If there's no dialog at home or with your partner it means there's something wrong. And that's why partner's start to seek the missing factor in other people. That's why they cheat. And I think why a person cheat because I think he/she didn't find the things that he/she wants to see with his/her partner.
Just a little thought here.
Ms.Cruise
yeh but the thing is he/she will reveal this emotional cheating very quickly coz nothing has 'actually' happened to feel guilty about but general so called friendly convo, so one CAN act quickly if one cares enough. my ex adored telling me how much all the other women cared about him (attention seeking and partly trying to make me jealous coz he was insanely jealous of me and people i spoke with) i see other close relatives of mine acting like fools for attention, and truly i believe thats what it is and the point is to make sure you're the centre of attention for him/her or get rid
i always laughed his attention seeking off, that made him more attentive, it's about keeping perspective, i will make him 'think' i'm making myself available to other men if there is a chance he is spending too much time with someone else, thats just me
An emotional cheater will find more issues with your relationship compared to the purely physical cheater (maybe?). He is not going to tell you anything. He may talk more about his work or whatever environment he found the other woman but the emotional cheater is likely to keep the details secret.
In the healthy relationship, yes of course he will tell you about the silly flirts or friends but the emotional cheater is not in a healthy relationship with you. And in the healthy relationship he will share those things with you.
You also know the relationship is not healthy and probably won't be trying to 'fix' it at that moment. You won't care that much or don't know what is happening. If he is already sharing his time with someone else (emotionally cheating) then you are already acting slowly.
but isn't flirting where it all starts? it seems easy to spot, friendly chats etc, it's about being aware of one person being mentioned a few more times than other people right?
If you have problems in the relationship he will probably not tell you that he or the woman was flirting. Most of it is done in secret.
For example, it may be with his co-worker. He comes home to you and not say a word about it. You two may interact as usual, initially. Unless you are not trusting him or feel he has something to hide and start looking through private things, you may not know.
Again he will probaby jokingly tell you about the flirts if the relationship is healthy. You will know nothing about it if he seeks more from this woman.
The problem is not flirting with others. Lots of happily married couples do this regularly.
Its when one partner goes outside of the relationship for their primary emotional support. This can take many forms. And often, its not the strangers one needs worry about. Its about that ubiquitous opposite sex 'friend' or 'close colleague'.
logically i agree with this this, but in bad relationships the other person (the non emo cheater) is subconciously already aware and is probably thinking about their future? however i do think things can progress unneccesarily in relationships where the other partner is switched off, coz i do think that we as humans are not always in the mood to listen to the other person. i would think that all relationships are vulnerable to this but i would think it's about being aware. am i wrong?Quote:
Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Yes, but not necessarily on the "look out" for bad things in the relationship but keeping communication great to hopefully prevent the bad.
Eco, I would say it depends on whether you are describing an inherently bad relationship or an inherently good one, but where communication has broken down.
The other thing that is lacking in a lot of relationships, and is related to the 'selfish' point the OP makes, is the quality of tolerance. This is a trait I would say is underdeveloped in a lot of young ppl today, and their relationships suffer for it.
But you assume that people MUST argue and fight, and I can tell you for sure that is not always the case. People CHOOSE how they react.Quote:
Originally Posted by .Bo. [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I disagree. All people argue and fight. They just do it in different ways. For some people they're passive aggressive. They merely will do things to get back at the person who angered them. Or maybe they are calm and rational as they fight. Or, maybe they scream and throw things.Quote:
Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
The key piece being whether or not that is compatible with the person they are fighting with.
There are many reasons why a person may cheat. From inability to value what they have, need for revenge, to an emotionally absent spouse. Most people I know who have cheated, including myself, didn't set out to find someone else.
Uhh, nope. Sorry. At least not as a regular life style. I very rarely fight with my husband. Of course, we fought early on in the marriage, but it's extremely unusual at this point. People just THINK everyone does it. Most do, but not all, and I betcha people who maintain marriages for long periods of time have learned to be more selective about what they fight about.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lite [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I think the best insurance against emotional cheating (and the physical cheating that can follow) is to ensure that your emotional connection to your SO is maintained. It has to be fed and nurtured just like anything else. It can't just be assumed that now you're married, your emotional connection is just set in stone and will forever remain.
There's a lot of danger in growing away from your SO throughout the course of your relationship, especially if you've been together since you were young. People change a lot over the course of their lives, and it might be easy to become very distant from the people you assume are the closest.
It's become quite socially acceptable to have those close opposite-sex friends and colleagues Indi was talking about. Throw some modern-day shaky morals into the picture and it's kind of a minefield out there.
A lot of couples have to treat their relationship like a fragile orchid that needs regular attention and instead, they act like it's a kudzu vine, unkillable and to be taken for granted.