Possessiveness/Peaceful Surrender

This is just a curiosity of mine... but how often does a guy claim possessiveness of a woman (not in the D&S fashion) but in a more loving gesture? The expression of possessiveness is in conjunction with him 'offering himself'... more or less wanting to be claimed by me - wanting me to be possessive of him as well. I'm not confused by what all this means... I know him rather well and understand his intent behind all of this..

I'm just curious as to how often do men make the gesture of possessiveness/peaceful surrender... and is this usually reserved for someone they truly want... or can this be a gesture that's used in 'not-so-meaningful' ways as well?

uhhh... could you maybe give us some examples of what you're talking about?

I can only be attracted to possessive guys oddly; does this kind tend to be protective as well btw?
I want to know too. Guys answer her (cracks her whip)!

I'm afraid I don't have the slightest clue what she's on about - "Peaceful Surrender"?!

But I am not remotely posessive in relationships anyway, so I'm probably the wrong guy to ask.

It's hard to explain.. yes he's possessive but not jealous.. and he can be protective too... but even this is put in check.. My guy is more of the sensitive kind and more intellectual/creative (if this helps).. so his motivations for doing this may be more emotionally driven.

Examples.. playfully saying "You're mine... all mine" but not in a scary or creepy sort of way. And offering himself such as "I'm yours..," and this is demonstrated in a more heartfelt way.

I talked to a friend of mine about this and he said that guys who are more sensitive feel intimidated by other males and will try to form stronger bonds with a woman they are interested in... in an attempt to alleviate this insecurity. I feel this may be his motivations for doing this... but I am not really bothered, just curious.


(To all you guys that are going 'wimp alert'... he does have his strong points too.. personality-wise.)

LOL, I wasn't sure what you meant either. I was wondering if you meant he pees on your leg when other guys are around. ;)

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

LOL, I wasn't sure what you meant either. I was wondering if you meant he pees on your leg when other guys are around. ;)

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I had a feeling this would be misconstrued... so I approach this post with LOTS of patience...

No he is just happy to be claimed by me and that he can claim me as his own... and that I want him and like to be wanted by him...

Perhaps paying close attention to something that is often taken for granted... and not thought about much.

Its fine, Dalia. So long as it doesn't make YOU uncomfortable.

My husband gets quite protective when other guys are around. Its rather subtle, but he stays a lot closer to me and touches me more in their presence. Its just a guy way of claiming territory and warding off other guys. Its only a problem if he tries to 'control' you in other ways, or he makes you feel uncomfortable.

In your case, its probably b/c he's leaving soon also.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Its fine, Dalia. So long as it doesn't make YOU uncomfortable.

My husband gets quite protective when other guys are around. Its rather subtle, but he stays a lot closer to me and touches me more in their presence. Its just a guy way of claiming territory and warding off other guys. Its only a problem if he tries to 'control' you in other ways, or he makes you feel uncomfortable.

In your case, its probably b/c he's leaving soon also.

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He started this about a month or so ago when the relationship really started to show promise. I do not feel like he's trying to control me and neither do I feel uncomfortable. He has always been a bit of a 'gentlemen' about most things... so I've never felt forced into anything or that I couldn't stop him if I wanted to. Very comfortable relationship for me...

As funny as it sounds... I kind of like his voiced possessiveness of me... it's portrayed in a playful manner and I find it to be kind of cute.. :D

He's protective in a subtle way like that too... but once again, he is mindful of my feelings as well... careful to not 'overdo' it.

If you don't mind, then its fine.

you can not be a possession as an individual. it will hurt you in the end. you are not his, people do not belong to others. you can not be happy without freedom.

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Originally Posted by Indignant [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

you can not be a possession as an individual. it will hurt you in the end. you are not his, people do not belong to others. you can not be happy without freedom.

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I thank you for the concern and the heads up... but I do not think he means this in a literal sense. He does not restrict me in anyway... I'm free to leave the relationship whenever I want... I'm free to hang out with guys... he trusts me enough to do that...

I wish I could capture the context in which he says this... it's not belittling... hell, he's even asked for permission to even say that...(i.e. "You don't mind if I say... ?")... Hardly demonstrates his 'ownership' of me... This may be a way to offer comfort for him in some silly way... especially now that he'll be leaving for 6 months. I know he doesn't 'own' me... it's impossible... and he knows this too (even told him that it's not possible)...

This is more or less a 'quirk' that he has... I can see the dangerous implications this could have... and I will keep a watch for that... but I do not sense this developing into something I should be concerned about - he gives out no clues that would suggest malicious intent... and he says it quite sparingly...

When I was in college my past bf would do that when I left to go home for college breaks.

It basically means "I love you, please do not cheat on me. And I have no intentions to cheat on you". :D

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Originally Posted by lesa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

When I was in college my past bf would do that when I left to go home for college breaks.

It basically means "I love you, please do not cheat on me. And I have no intentions to cheat on you". :D

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Lesa is right. Everyone thinks of love as attraction + compatibility ... and it is. But so many forget about the third prong of love ... mutual commitment.

So in insecure times, he may show a bit of possessiveness ... so what?

Just a note of exception to Indignant's response. Controlling posessiveness by your partner is unhealthy for sure, but in love, you both choose to give up control to (and are possessed by) the commitment to the relationship.

Carl.

As one of my favourite authors wrote:

In the war of the sexes, the only way to win is mutual surrender.

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Originally Posted by Indignant [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

you can not be a possession as an individual. it will hurt you in the end. you are not his, people do not belong to others. you can not be happy without freedom.

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Hrm, let's see. The inside of my wedding band reads: Mine! As does hers. We consider each other as belonging to the other person. Everybody enjoys being objectified at times, and if it is done in a caring and respectful manner, then it's great. It isn't that she cannot go do something when she wants, merely that she has enough respect to ask me if I would be OK with it first.

I own her, she owns me. We are the rulers of each other's kingdoms. Just like a Benevolent king/queen owns his serfs.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

My husband gets quite protective when other guys are around. Its rather subtle, but he stays a lot closer to me and touches me more in their presence.

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And it works too :D

It worked like a charm in the clubs. I remember as a rule of thumb, (friendly) touching a girl in the club will immediately scatter about 80% of guys trying their moves on her. I think it might be a subconscious cementation of competition, the idea that as well as trying to build attraction that they will also have to fight off a competitor is too intimidating for many. It's a kind of a psychological preemptiveness.


As far as "I'm yours / you're mine" thing, I thing it's pretty standard relationship dialogue up there with playing house and "I miss yous / I love yous", nothing to worry about as long as there are no signs of controlling behaviour.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

As one of my favourite authors wrote:

In the war of the sexes, the only way to win is mutual surrender.

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Or to quote Voltaire, "It is not enough to conquer, one must learn to seduce."

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Originally Posted by Lite [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Everybody enjoys being objectified at times, and if it is done in a caring and respectful manner, then it's great.

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I agree... I feel a sense of reassurance when he says I'm his... and I like the thought of him being mine...

He's my guy, my bf, my love, my better half, and my schatzi... he's mine.

I'm his lady, his gf, his darling, his better half, and his precious... I'm his.

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Originally Posted by Lite [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Or to quote Voltaire, "It is not enough to conquer, one must learn to seduce."

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Ha, nothing as fancy as Voltaire.

Lois McMaster Bujold.

Possessiveness is part of a healthy relationship as long as you are both comfortable with it.

He has the right to step between you and a guy trying to get your attention or attraction. He can't stop it though, you have to meet him halfway and stand your ground against others.

Theres a really fine line between being protective and being controlling and if you walk it just right you make your girlfriend feel happy, protected and loved.

Guys can read others guys better than they lead you to believe. We know when we are crossing into another guys comfort zone and we let it be known without saying a word. Inevitably there will be guys who cross the line and disregard your expectations or wishes and thats the time when your girlfriend should step up and tell him off.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Ha, nothing as fancy as Voltaire.

Lois McMaster Bujold.

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Come again?