No Belief in Himself...

Just to let you know... I haven't planned to do anything just yet, but these have been some of my thoughts...

My bf does not see himself as being capable of providing any kind of a future... he wants to have a house, a wife, a family... etc... but is caught in the idea that he is a loser - a poor example to follow. He believes that past failures in life would have to lead him to conclude that he simply cannot do such things.

I have asked him if he had studied his past 'failures' and what has he learned from them... hoping that maybe I could gain some insight into his way of thinking. He said that he had and just doesn't see himself as capable of succeeding in that regard. His past has been filled with lots of pain and disappointments - mostly disappointments in himself.

At one point he said that he is not one that I could pin my hopes for a future on.. and that he was sorry to have disappointed me. However, he also explained that he does not want to let me go... that he wants to help me succeed in life - even if that means without him ultimately. We talked for a little longer and he had felt that I was saddened by all of this (and I was), and he said that it was foolish for him to think he was capable of bringing anyone happiness. I responded by saying that he has, does, and still does bring me happiness. I also told him that life is about the experience - not the destination, and that we should cherish the time we have now. This seem to alleviate his concerns about providing some sort of future.

There was more to the conversation... but essentially I get the feeling that he has very low self-esteem and from past relationships has concluded that he's not capable of achieving these things he wants - that it would somehow fail in some unforeseen way.

My view of such things is that you have to believe in yourself and your capabilities before you can truly increase your odds of success. This insecurity that he has is something he will have to fix - I can't do it for him. He's the one that has to believe in himself - believe that life is not set in stone... not even for someone who's not 'as young' anymore. The only option I see in which I could truly help is to remove as much stress about the future as possible for him... and let the relationship be comfortable - desired. Perhaps if he grows fond enough of being with someone - realizing they're not going to leave or view - he may finally relax. Hopefully, over time.. I can help him to see that he has so much to offer... and that he is capable of so much more than he believes right now.

As I said before... these are just thoughts... I haven't acted on any impulses yet to talk to him further about this. Merely, just backed off and let him know that the future is not of the greatest concern right now...

Any advice would be greatly appreciated...

Wow, I'm sorry, it must be really heard to be on the receiving end of that conversation. It sounds like he has a lot to get worked out for himself before he can participate in a healthy relationship. If he's not in counseling, you might consider suggesting it to him. It's strange how low self-esteem works...causing the very thing he's afraid of. Cognitive therapy is pretty good for dealing with irrational beliefs. Good luck and I hope you two are able to work through this!

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Originally Posted by Indignant [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

i'd say that behind every great man there's a great women.

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Nikola Tesla.....

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Originally Posted by Indignant [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

i'd say that behind every great man there's a great women. Lead him into the right direction. if you believe that he needs a new job, help him find one. he has a mental block that you can help him break through. with every small achievement that he gains in life, his self esteem will grow.

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Oh that's bullshit. You cannot lead someone to a good job, or to be the person you believe they can be. Either they believe in themselves or they don't.

There's a huge difference between leading someone somewhere and encouraging them to better themselves. Exactly how many women have failed marriages based around the belief of, "I can change him for the better! I know I can!" It's crap. People change only because they want to change, not because you want them to.

You can only inject so much one-sided energy into a relationship before it becomes codependent.

The man needs encouragement, not leadership. He needs to develop his own self worth and self esteem based upon his accomplishments and what he believes them to be worth, not what others judge them to be worth. If you base your self worth upon the views of others, you will fail. Eventually they will say something that erodes your belief in what they say. It's a false prop for an ego, and it needs to be heavily discouraged.

Never tell him to cheer up when he feels down. A person can't just cheer up from scratch. There has to be a reason, and that comes when he is threated as normal being until the problem dissapears.

One thing to remember is that in our society, it is expected that women sort of rely on men. Therefore womens insecurities are more normal, they are easily fixed. But a failure in mans life can have a huge impact since he feels he has responsibility and therefore has failed. From early age, we study, study, work, study, work and work more just to provide for a family, this is expected and every man knows it.

What you need to tell him, is that what use is the past. He lives in present day, not in past, past doesn't matter. Think of today, not yesterday or tomorrow, because you live right now, in this current moment in this current place.

There is no point in telling him that "everyhting will be ok", such words don't carry any meaning, and you both know that. The least it does is that it takes away the bit of responsibility and such unstable person may just let go of everything, which is negative thing.

I cannot give any more advice because I don't know the problem. Is he jobless? Homeless? Abused? Or has a job, money but just feels that way? Is it routine?

If it is about the lack of job, he needs to get into mood. He should take any job he can. Heck i am a machinist cleaner making minimum wage after school and been struggling my whole life, my only parent is as poor as me, but as long as I am fine, I am fine. This is called living in the present. Just live, work on what you can, when better opportunity comes, bite it.

The biggest mistake is the 'I am going to change him' part, yes. This is stupid, so what is it, is it about you or him? And overanalyzing, the need to fix everything, can lead to all sorts of problems. Eventually you may feel both unhappy because you both failed.

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Originally Posted by Lite [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh that's bullshit. You cannot lead someone to a good job, or to be the person you believe they can be. Either they believe in themselves or they don't.

There's a huge difference between leading someone somewhere and encouraging them to better themselves. Exactly how many women have failed marriages based around the belief of, "I can change him for the better! I know I can!" It's crap. People change only because they want to change, not because you want them to.

You can only inject so much one-sided energy into a relationship before it becomes codependent.

The man needs encouragement, not leadership. He needs to develop his own self worth and self esteem based upon his accomplishments and what he believes them to be worth, not what others judge them to be worth. If you base your self worth upon the views of others, you will fail. Eventually they will say something that erodes your belief in what they say. It's a false prop for an ego, and it needs to be heavily discouraged.

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I'm making attempts to avoid leading or changing him... or falling for the 'Shining Knight Syndrome' in regards to him.

I've been thinking about sorting through our chats, emails, letters, and text messages that we have sent to one another. I cannot change his mind, but hopefully I can use his own words to show that what he says to encourage me can be used to encourage him... possibly to show how contradictory he's being. Possibly I can pull from my own past experiences, as well as his to show how one has to discern what beneficial lessons were learned --- lessons that helped a person grow - not lend to more self-loathing..

He can be quite analytical when he's not falling into such emotional turmoil... hopefully I can bring this out in him to see he is indulging in self-pity... drawing destructive and illogical conclusions from the past. This will take some time... but I'll have to continue to encourage him... and whenever possible, bring out his logical side when he becomes self-loathsome and depressed.

Okay, first of all, that was the best post I've ever seen boobaa make. You just went up 100 points in my estimation, boobaa.

Aeradalia, it sounds like he thinks he has to carry you through life when he can barely carry himself. I think it's really unfortunate that he sees your relationship this way. You're not some anchor around his neck- you're a swimmer too. I suggest that you try to explain to him, gently, that it's insulting to you that he sees you as someone completely dependent upon him, incapable of making any real contribution to a successful marriage and family.

I also recommend that you give him some small things to help with. Ask his advice about things occasionally. Tell him you love talking to him because you feel that he really understands you. Try to find ways to get him to turn back towards you and head towards the future.

If he won't do that, though, you have to look long and hard at Lite's post and think about how much of yourself you're willing to expend on someone who doesn't even want to meet you halfway.

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Originally Posted by Aeradalia [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm making attempts to avoid leading or changing him... or falling for the 'Shining Knight Syndrome' in regards to him.

I've been thinking about sorting through our chats, emails, letters, and text messages that we have sent to one another. I cannot change his mind, but hopefully I can use his own words to show that what he says to encourage me can be used to encourage him... possibly to show how contradictory he's being. Possibly I can pull from my own past experiences, as well as his to show how one has to discern what beneficial lessons were learned --- lessons that helped a person grow - not lend to more self-loathing..

He can be quite analytical when he's not falling into such emotional turmoil... hopefully I can bring this out in him to see he is indulging in self-pity... drawing destructive and illogical conclusions from the past. This will take some time... but I'll have to continue to encourage him... and whenever possible, bring out his logical side when he becomes self-loathsome and depressed.

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Is it possible he has a chemical imbalance that is affecting his ability to make clear assertions about where he needs to take his life?

What I've run into personally when it comes to what I call "fixer upper" relationships is that even if you can manage to inject enough energy into the relationship to jumpstart their path to healing, by the time they get healthy enough to be OK with being in a good relationship you're just too entirely emotionally strung out for them to deal with.

I had a series of relationships in which I pushed several women to rethink their lives, their self worth, and generally improve their own views of themselves. In the end, they all mostly healed themselves and are well on the way to being very good and functional members of dating society. However I was such an emotional wreck by ignoring my own needs and attending to them that they couldn't stand to deal with me when I wasn't "strong" for them.

Pretty much the moment I showed any sign of emotional weakness they would run away screaming. When really all I needed was for someone to tell me that they believed in me, and that they knew I was strong enough emotionally to sort myself out.

Eventually I learned to stop pursuing such relationships, but it was pretty miserable being a springboard relationship over and over again.

It's one thing to tell someone you believe in their own personal strength. It's another to try to force them to change themselves to meet your needs. You can say, "Look, I KNOW you're far stronger than you believe yourself to be, and I know you're capable of taking this on." and being reassuring during setbacks, because well. Setbacks happen. The important part is that they get enough distance between where they were, and where they are now, that they can gain some perspective on their life, and see that they can affect enough positive change to make a difference.

All you can do is try to nudge them away from sharp objects along the way. You can't make them do things to change themselves.

So, I'm sorry if I sounded a bit harsh towards Indignant, but I firmly believe there is a huge chasm between leading a person to where you believe they need to go and kicking someone in the ass repeatedly to give them the momentum they need to get to where they're going.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Okay, first of all, that was the best post I've ever seen boobaa make. You just went up 100 points in my estimation, boobaa.

Aeradalia, it sounds like he thinks he has to carry you through life when he can barely carry himself. I think it's really unfortunate that he sees your relationship this way. You're not some anchor around his neck- you're a swimmer too. I suggest that you try to explain to him, gently, that it's insulting to you that he sees you as someone completely dependent upon him, incapable of making any real contribution to a successful marriage and family.

I also recommend that you give him some small things to help with. Ask his advice about things occasionally. Tell him you love talking to him because you feel that he really understands you. Try to find ways to get him to turn back towards you and head towards the future.

If he won't do that, though, you have to look long and hard at Lite's post and think about how much of yourself you're willing to expend on someone who doesn't even want to meet you halfway.

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I have given your advice some consideration... and will probably do just that. However, I have to wonder... if I give him small tasks to help me with... won't that reinforce his belief that he has to 'carry me through life'? Will I have to bring a little more attention to the fact I help him with some things and he helps me with some things - that there is a balance?

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Originally Posted by boobaa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The biggest mistake is the 'I am going to change him' part, yes. This is stupid, so what is it, is it about you or him? And overanalyzing, the need to fix everything, can lead to all sorts of problems. Eventually you may feel both unhappy because you both failed.

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He's in Iraq right now... but he did work at a college while he was over here... this problem is something that had been hinted at - I sensed that he was a little uneasy about the idea of what the future may bring - what's expected in a relationship... so I kept from prying or really bringing it up. He would bring the topic up on occasion... varying from liking the idea to being quite fearful of bringing about disappointment...

I do not want to 'change him'... it's just that he says he'd really want these things... a house, a wife, and kids... yet acts as though this is impossible for him to do - as though the whole world has conspired against his chance for success. I can't help but to wonder if this is a form of depression or if he is applying past experiences to what we have now...

So I see that he wants these things... but I fail to understand why he feels he can't have them? I'm certainly not holding him back on the possibilities of such things....

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Originally Posted by Aeradalia [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I do not want to 'change him'... it's just that he says he'd really want these things... a house, a wife, and kids... yet acts as though this is impossible for him to do - as though the whole world has conspired against his chance for success. I can't help but to wonder if this is a form of depression or if he is applying past experiences to what we have now...

So I see that he wants these things... but I fail to understand why he feels he can't have them? I'm certainly not holding him back on the possibilities of such things....

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Have you considered that he may not really want these things, he merely feels as if they're expected of him as a societal pressure to "become an adult" and that is how those around him define such an action?

I'm the last male in my line. My family lineage in this country goes back a few hundred years pre founding of the United States. So with me dies a long line of my family tree by not having children. It's actually quite an incredible pressure to have. Now, do I have children because they want me to? Is that the right thing to do?

They always teach you to act like an adult, but they don't teach what it is to be an adult. One day you're legally a minor, the next day you're an adult. What defines an adult? Nobody has told you, so you look around and you see adults. They have jobs, they have houses, they have kids, they're becoming alcoholics because they're miserable. Is that what being an adult means?

So, sure you can expect that you "want" these things because other people expect you to want them, but maybe you don't really want them and resent the pressure from others to do so. So, you do little things to sabotage your success. Things that slowly paint you as unsuitable for being treated as an adult by those who want you do do what they feel is best for you.

Nobody actually ever sits down and says, "You know, it's OK to not want kids, or to not want to own a house. It's OK to want to travel for your job. It's OK as long as you decide you're responsible for you.

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Originally Posted by Lite [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh that's bullshit. You cannot lead someone to a good job, or to be the person you believe they can be. Either they believe in themselves or they don't.

There's a huge difference between leading someone somewhere and encouraging them to better themselves. Exactly how many women have failed marriages based around the belief of, "I can change him for the better! I know I can!" It's crap. People change only because they want to change, not because you want them to.

You can only inject so much one-sided energy into a relationship before it becomes codependent.

The man needs encouragement, not leadership. He needs to develop his own self worth and self esteem based upon his accomplishments and what he believes them to be worth, not what others judge them to be worth. If you base your self worth upon the views of others, you will fail. Eventually they will say something that erodes your belief in what they say. It's a false prop for an ego, and it needs to be heavily discouraged.

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I happen to agree completely with this post. :D

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Originally Posted by Lite [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Have you considered that he may not really want these things, he merely feels as if they're expected of him as a societal pressure to "become an adult" and that is how those around him define such an action?

I'm the last male in my line. My family lineage in this country goes back a few hundred years pre founding of the United States. So with me dies a long line of my family tree by not having children. It's actually quite an incredible pressure to have. Now, do I have children because they want me to? Is that the right thing to do?

They always teach you to act like an adult, but they don't teach what it is to be an adult. One day you're legally a minor, the next day you're an adult. What defines an adult? Nobody has told you, so you look around and you see adults. They have jobs, they have houses, they have kids, they're becoming alcoholics because they're miserable. Is that what being an adult means?

So, sure you can expect that you "want" these things because other people expect you to want them, but maybe you don't really want them and resent the pressure from others to do so. So, you do little things to sabotage your success. Things that slowly paint you as unsuitable for being treated as an adult by those who want you do do what they feel is best for you.

Nobody actually ever sits down and says, "You know, it's OK to not want kids, or to not want to own a house. It's OK to want to travel for your job. It's OK as long as you decide you're responsible for you.

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I hope I wasn't putting any pressure on him... I'm not even sure if I want to be married and have kids in the future - if ever - but I'm not against it either... right now, I just want him to stay around... to be honest. I just want him to stay, and be comfortable around me... It worries me to hear these insecurities he has. I can't help it... I have a natural inclination to want to fix things and then enjoy the peace again.

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Originally Posted by Lite [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm the last male in my line. My family lineage in this country goes back a few hundred years pre founding of the United States. So with me dies a long line of my family tree by not having children. It's actually quite an incredible pressure to have. Now, do I have children because they want me to? Is that the right thing to do?

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Oh, I can help you with this, Lite.

Your lineage in the US doesn't mean shit. If you go back to around 1000 AD, when the population of the planet was only a few million ppl, you are likely directly related to 1 in 200 ppl. And if you account for the fact that most ppl didn't travel very far from their birthplace in that time, the number is even smaller.

So, genetically, you aren't that unique. There is lots of YOU around. If you don't reproduce your genes there isn't much lost from the biological gene pool standpoint.

Now, you do seem to express some interesting memes. Ones I personally think have some value in our current world. Rational thinking ppl aren't so common as we'd like to think. So, by not reproducing and raising rational children and spreading those memes, you may be doing society a disservice.

Hope that helps. :D ;)

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Originally Posted by Aeradalia [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I hope I wasn't putting any pressure on him... I'm not even sure if I want to be married and have kids in the future - if ever - but I'm not against it either... right now, I just want him to stay around... to be honest. I just want him to stay, and be comfortable around me... It worries me to hear these insecurities he has. I can't help it... I have a natural inclination to want to fix things and then enjoy the peace again.

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That's normal, people want those they care about to be "OK", and sometimes (especially us men) we have to know to stand back and merely just been the cheerleaders people need to help find their own inner strength.

We all have times of personal crisis of faith in our ability to carry on. I've had more than my share of very bad days in which the only thing that kept me from offing myself was a sick desire to find out what happened next. (I hate when a series of books ends. It KILLS me.) Thankfully not in many years, but I've been there.

What I know is that I can take my entire world, nuke it from orbit (It's the only way to be sure), rebuilt it from scratch, and still be OK with it all and the end of that particular journey in my life. I know that I am capable of doing anything I really want to do. I've been bad to myself for many years, and I had to learn to be my own man, my own person, and stand on my own damn two feet.

Dig called me an asshole in my real life. I don't believe that to be true now, nor in the past. But it's closer to being true now than it ever has been. (I try to tow a very fine line between asshole and not being an asshole at this point.) No, I was the nice wishy-washy guy that everyone walked all over, and I was OK with it. I didn't believe that I deserved to be happy, or that I was a worthwhile person. I married a woman I couldn't stand because I felt she was saintly enough to tolerate me on a day-to-day basis.

I had no spine, no self worth, no belief in what I could do.

Anyway, I'm rambling about me here...

The short version of what I needed and what you may be able to provide him:

Maybe he just needs a good constant reminder of his own personal strength, and that someone has faith in his ability to change his circumstances for the better.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh, I can help you with this, Lite.

Now, you do seem to express some interesting memes. Ones I personally think have some value in our current world. Rational thinking ppl aren't so common as we'd like to think. So, by not reproducing and raising rational children and spreading those memes, you may be doing society a disservice.

Hope that helps. :D ;)

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Obviously, I'm just talking from a family history standpoint. Not that there is any actual historical relevance to whether or not I reproduce. It isn't like some long lost line of Kings dies with me.

Right, but I'm not sure those memes cannot be passed on via education and communication rather than as some sort of genetic key.

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Originally Posted by Aeradalia [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

At one point he said that he is not one that I could pin my hopes for a future on.. and that he was sorry to have disappointed me. However, he also explained that he does not want to let me go... that he wants to help me succeed in life - even if that means without him ultimately.

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I REALLY hold in suspect the timing of this revelation. I think it's common knowledge that relationship should be maintained as smoothly as possible while separated by distance. The fact that he's saying it now at the start of his "away time" almost sounds like a "Goodbye". I'm sorry to say this, but sometimes there is only so much you can do. If I were you at one point I would've mentioned that if he wants to let go of the relationship then that's his decision to make, but he is the one making that decision and not you.

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Originally Posted by Lite [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Right, but I'm not sure those memes cannot be passed on via education and communication rather than as some sort of genetic key.

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I've been thinking a lot about this recently. Right now, I am thinking that if each person can reach *two* ppl in their lives, to really make a difference to the course of someone's life, that is the key to solving a lot of our major problems.

And yes, education and communication is key. But, as religions know and use to their advantage, it is much more effective to instill these memes at an early stage of development. Adults can learn, but much less efficiently.

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Originally Posted by Indignant [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

i'd say that behind every great man there's a great women. Lead him into the right direction. if you believe that he needs a new job, help him find one. he has a mental block that you can help him break through. with every small achievement that he gains in life, his self esteem will grow.

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The actual full expression isn't "behind every graet man there's a great woman" its.....

"BEHIND EVERY GREAT MAN, THERE'S A GREAT WOMAN AND BEHIND THAT WOMAN IS THAT MAN'S WIFE"

Ouch, lol.

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Originally Posted by Mishanya [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I REALLY hold in suspect the timing of this revelation. I think it's common knowledge that relationship should be maintained as smoothly as possible while separated by distance. The fact that he's saying it now at the start of his "away time" almost sounds like a "Goodbye". I'm sorry to say this, but sometimes there is only so much you can do. If I were you at one point I would've mentioned that if he wants to let go of the relationship then that's his decision to make, but he is the one making that decision and not you.

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He sends out mixed signals though.. he says that he doesn't foresee a future and yet he wants to keep the relationship.. works very hard to maintain it... tries to keep me happy.. talks for hours when on the computer... he just avoids anything to do with talk of the future.. unless he falls into his sadder moods.

Sometimes he acts like he's afraid he'll lose me... and then he says things like this as though he were to push me away. Then when he realizes I'm not going anywhere... he's practically overjoyed. I can't help but to think this is some form of insecurity.

I'm tempted to just say.. 'Look, I'm not going anywhere... relax! will ya?"

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Originally Posted by Aeradalia [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sometimes he acts like he's afraid he'll lose me... and then he says things like this as though he were to push me away. Then when he realizes I'm not going anywhere... he's practically overjoyed. I can't help but to think this is some form of insecurity.

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I don't know, his low self esteem, the distance and the timing of this don't sound like a good combination to me. I've been in something not too dissimilar and she ended up breaking up with me as a pre-emptive move, to pre-empt me breaking up with her in the future because she felt that it's only a matter of time before I make that decision myself. Something to watch out for.

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Originally Posted by kene [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The actual full expression isn't "behind every graet man there's a great woman" its.....

"BEHIND EVERY GREAT MAN, THERE'S A GREAT WOMAN AND BEHIND THAT WOMAN IS THAT MAN'S WIFE"

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And that wife is rolling her eyes and making the yapping expression with her hand as the man talks about he couldn't have done it without...

Tell him to suck it up and be your man.

Cupping his balls with that "everything will be okay" stuff just comforts his insecurity. I've been there.

A nice kick in the rump really helps.

Well.. I sat down and thought real hard about it and wrote a letter to him.. using his own words to support my own:

"I have given much thought to the conversation we had... and I hope you realize the contradiction you have inadvertently caused. It is understandable that life can be difficult at times... filled with trial and error... disappointments abound... and injustices and pain. However, as I said before whatever you send out, whether it be positive or negative will eventually find its way back to you. Our actions and reactions can work for us or against us in life... lending to the perception we have of life (i.e. littered with travails or opportunities to grow). All the positive and negative thoughts, emotions, and actions you ever had in life affects all those around you in some way, in some capacity this feeds back to you through the thoughts, emotions, and actions of others, and affects you directly or indirectly. So you are, the master of your own life... in that you can forge the weapons in which you destroy yourself, as well as create the tools in which you build yourself.

The contradiction is between your own views of yourself and the advice you have given me over time. Such words as ".you're going the right way, keep trying...you will land better things in life...." and "....keep going...you will encounter disappointments...but take them in stride....and strive for the better...indeed, the best!" are not only good advice, but applicable to you as well. I sincerely believe that if you enjoy your current occupation, then you are doing the right thing and you should persist in doing the best you can. Once more, you speak the truth "...but nevertheless I want you to keep a positive outlook....the world has enough miseries as it is...keep your spirits up," you must keep a positive outlook.. it will fuel your success, in that it will carry you through times that are difficult.

There must be great qualities in you or positive things would not be reflected back to you. Let yourself bask in these achievements... allow yourself to see a good thing... even when it's a part of you. These things will offer encouragement, provide the tools you need to build yourself up - to make you into the person you long to be. You are talented... your writing abilities are something I envy and try to learn from. You are sweet and giving... so eager to give so much more to those around you, and yet you neglect yourself. Imagine how far you could go if you offered yourself such luxuries too. You are accomodating and understanding... which is a rare quality in people. So many are closed up in their own worlds, not once do they empathize with others as they cast judgment and assumptions about. You are intelligent and perceptive... qualities that will surely work for you, if you let them. Whether you believe it or not, you are endowed with all the tools in which to build your own success... the advantages offered to you by these traits is so disproportionate from most others that it hardly seems fair. This is a good thing...

As you have said to me, "want the VERY BEST for you.....and want you to strive hard for all good things in life....," "...yet I care for you, tremendously...I want absolutely the best for you...," and "...want you to thoroughly enjoy life....taste success and happiness in every endeavor of yours...," I too want the very best for you, I want you to enjoy life, and I want you to have success and happiness. You deserve these things... and your lack of belief in this does not change the truth. Happiness, success, and all the good things in life are yours... if you want them... if you refuse to give up, back down, or accept anything less.

Schatzi, I am indebted to you, ask what you will of me and if it is within my power, I will make it yours. Even the things your heart asks and your mind does not. I love you, care for you, and want the very best for you... all the desires of your heart - especially happiness."

I hope this is encouraging enough and not just increasing his insecurities...

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Originally Posted by boobaa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Never tell him to cheer up when he feels down. A person can't just cheer up from scratch. There has to be a reason, and that comes when he is threated as normal being until the problem dissapears.

One thing to remember is that in our society, it is expected that women sort of rely on men. Therefore womens insecurities are more normal, they are easily fixed. But a failure in mans life can have a huge impact since he feels he has responsibility and therefore has failed. From early age, we study, study, work, study, work and work more just to provide for a family, this is expected and every man knows it.

What you need to tell him, is that what use is the past. He lives in present day, not in past, past doesn't matter. Think of today, not yesterday or tomorrow, because you live right now, in this current moment in this current place.

There is no point in telling him that "everyhting will be ok", such words don't carry any meaning, and you both know that. The least it does is that it takes away the bit of responsibility and such unstable person may just let go of everything, which is negative thing.

I cannot give any more advice because I don't know the problem. Is he jobless? Homeless? Abused? Or has a job, money but just feels that way? Is it routine?

If it is about the lack of job, he needs to get into mood. He should take any job he can. Heck i am a machinist cleaner making minimum wage after school and been struggling my whole life, my only parent is as poor as me, but as long as I am fine, I am fine. This is called living in the present. Just live, work on what you can, when better opportunity comes, bite it.

The biggest mistake is the 'I am going to change him' part, yes. This is stupid, so what is it, is it about you or him? And overanalyzing, the need to fix everything, can lead to all sorts of problems. Eventually you may feel both unhappy because you both failed.

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booboo, i think you're my soulmate.

Schatzi? Is he from Deutschland?

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Originally Posted by doppelgaenger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Schatzi? Is he from Deutschland?

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I am doppel... eh... it's my term of endearment for him... he says precious, darling.. etc.. I call him schatzi..

Boobaa is right. It's the key to your happiness.

I wouldn't do *#@&!

The only thing I would say is that the past is what it is and that we can only live in the present which will ultimately be our future. If the guy doesn't know what that means then I would leave him alone.

I've done the major encouragements, guidance, help cheering up, help finding job, credit, house, etc. After doing all that he didn't look like my lover anymore and I became his mother. :astonish:

He needs to do it all on his own. If he cannot then he is not ready for a relationship. If I sound horrible, oh well. I know from experience and I won't repeat it.

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Originally Posted by Aeradalia [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I am doppel... eh... it's my term of endearment for him... he says precious, darling.. etc.. I call him schatzi..

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Ich weiß, ich weiß, was das bedeutet! Ich studiere Germanistik auf der Uni ;)

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Originally Posted by lesa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Boobaa is right. It's the key to your happiness.

I wouldn't do *#@&!

The only thing I would say is that the past is what it is and that we can only live in the present which will ultimately be our future. If the guy doesn't know what that means then I would leave him alone.

I've done the major encouragements, guidance, help cheering up, help finding job, credit, house, etc. After doing all that he didn't look like my lover anymore and I became his mother. :astonish:

He needs to do it all on his own. If he cannot then he is not ready for a relationship. If I sound horrible, oh well. I know from experience and I won't repeat it.

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Lesa I understand the argument... I do not intend to mother him... just giving him food for thought... if he shows improvement and asks for help, then I will be more than happy to help... if not... then I'm prepared for that as well.

I know the argument... if it's too much work - run like hell - because you will use far too much energy than it's worth. But, if he's willing to do the work to improve himself... I will be more than happy to cheer him on. He's offered encouraging thoughts and has even helped me greatly as I try to improve myself... so I'm just returning the favor.

Tomorrow he'll be able to talk again, and I'll be able to gauge his frame of mind when he responds to the email I sent.