wow, has it been a while or WHAT? How is everyone? someone please give me an update in a nutshell?
I haven't been very good with keeping in touch with those of you who have mailed/messaged me outside the forum and I apologise. It's not because I don't want to talk to you guys, quite the opposite.
so.. um.. yeah, a lot has happened, I guess. Travelling, studying, and oh yeah went on a bit of a heart breaking spree. well, sorta.
Finally got down to kissing an actual Irish guy or two. Isn't it a bit surreal that the nationality of people I've kissed in chronological order (and incidentally also sorted by distance) goes like this: American, German, Briton, Irishman (I'll get to those later). I wonder if this expresses some kind of subconscious preference on my part.
so as you may have deduced, I broke up with my bf. Yup, 9 months and 14 days ago. Doesn't that just say everything? And I haven't even seen him in more than a year. I didn't exactly have much of a choice...
I loved him and still do. I would have done anything. And indeed in retrospect that is why I stayed till the bitter end; to make damn sure I had given it every chance I could. But the final straw was the way I was dismissed when I wanted to talk, and the way he went after what he knew were my hot buttons... When I said 'look this is driving me nuts, can we talk about this to resolve it?'. I was made to feel bad for asking. I was told to "distract myself" so that I wouldn't have to think about it.
I saw then that wasn't anything more I could really do.
then things got a bit nastier. I mean sure if someone breaks up with you I think you have the right to get a bit angry and to want to show that the other person wasn't perfect either... But it was like I was being torn to shreds. Finally I said something along the lines of "ok lookit. You have the right to make a rational argument, but here's my version of events- accept it or never hear from me again".
That seemed to do the trick. Last I heard he was saying that we're on more of a 'break' but we haven't talked in ages. Hindsight really is 20/20. I see now how much he lived by what his friends/family said. This really explains why he had always criticised me about how I interacted with his friends, which just made me more shy around them. The last time I talked to him, he had moved out of NY to study, and all he talked about was how people were different and how that was affecting him.
Last summer I went on a sunny all inclusive holiday to Turkey with my German friend. A few of the nights there we got nicely drunk by the pool and analysed the hell out of everything. He had just broken up with his girlfriend too, so we kinda helped each other out. On paper he's the perfect guy for me. I honestly don't know why I can't, try as I might, make myself feel that way about him.
Well, then I got into online dating, and I visited this really *really* sweet guy in the UK. I had a great time. But again, no real chemistry.
After that I met a guy at the college gym, hereafter called mark the first. He's the type who's in the gym for at least an hour a day. Very yummy. And we talked for hours and he just seemed really nice and not like most guys. We hung out a bit but then he got really busy and "didn't have time" and I don't know if it was because exams were coming up or because he didn't like something about me or something. He mentioned something about it being complicated, so who knows if there was somebody else. eh, that was before xmas.
how was everyone's holidays??
the week before last I met mark the third (yes, there was a mark the second, but he was online so I never really met him). Anyway, I've just had the best two weeks. We dated... actual dates - he bought me actual drinks. He listened to me.. and he has the cutest face in the world. ever. I stayed over at his place twice. We didn't have sex but we did enjoy ourselves, which is kind of a big deal to me.
And then he moved away to the UK :(. which I KNEW was going to happen, of course. But damn it, it was worth it. I'm not sure you could really call it a relationship. But he did say he was going to be back in the country in a month so we might meet up then. not sure what'll come of it yet and I'm trying not to get overly attached.
I'm afraid that I still compare everyone to 'the ex'. it's been 17 months since I saw him in person and I still think about him. It has gotten better with time, though.. I just have to keep reminding myself that I had good reasons for ending it. I keep thinking that maybe I never deserved him in the first place and so on. Bah. But generally i've been, well, I wont say downright happy, but pretty content, anyway. I wish the good catches weren't so damn rare and hard to spot.. and moving to other countries... The kicker is that mark the third was living almost next door to me for about a year.
in other news, I'm in my final year now! And I just finished my thesis, which makes me very, very happy.
