About my sister...

I love my sister, but she has serious man problems. She comes to me for answers, but I'm all out of them....especially since she acts like she's all on board with what I'm saying but doesn't follow through.

See, she's with this guy that isn't the best for her as far as everyone is concerned....but they have a child together. He's ten years older than her and completely insecure, but covers it up with machismo. I won't get into details. She tells me despite her best efforts he is uninterested in sex with her....they do it like once every two or three months. He is uncommunicative. When she makes any attempt at leaving him he threatens to take their daughter and tries to make her look like the bad guy.

I've given her all the advice I can stopping short of telling her what I really think of him, because my mom said that might cause a rift between us.....even though inside she knows it's the truth.

She's coming out (alone) to visit in a few months and I'm SO tempted just to slam down my opinion on the whole thing, but I don't know if it's my place and if it would hurt her. My main motivation is that no one in my family really told me about how they felt about my horrible ex and how he treated me until AFTER I made the choice to leave him, and I sort of wished they'd just told me they all thought he was a bastard.

Any thoughts? Should I push this further or leave it alone? What would YOU guys do?

How old is she? And would she be interested in my magical penis?

Here's the way I see it Blue:

There's two types of people in this world, the kind that tell you what you want to hear and the kind that tell you what you need to hear.

Your parents, your siblings, your GOOD friends and the people who generally care about you and take your best interests to heart are the people that tell you what you need to hear. The other 95% of the world you meet really don;t care about you or what happens to you. They want to tell you what you want to hear so everything is happy and you can continue to live inside your safe bubble.

You know from personal experience what it means to have people tell you what you need to hear. Usually you feel hostile towards what they say and generally don't want to hear it, but in the end they are always right because they care about YOU.

It's a choice only you can really make as to whether you want to step in and weather the storm for your sister, but you know how much you wish you would have heard what people thought before your ex. It takes a certain caliber of person to step up and say what everyone else is afraid to say.

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Originally Posted by Cbrider [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It takes a certain caliber of person to step up and say what everyone else is afraid to say.

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That's the way I feel, and I've seen this go on too long....she deserves to be happy and I want to do whatever I have to to help get her there.

My mom tells me to butt out and that she has to learn herself, the hard way. That's why I'm torn.

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Originally Posted by bluesummer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

That's the way I feel, and I've seen this go on too long....she deserves to be happy and I want to do whatever I have to to help get her there.

My mom tells me to butt out and that she has to learn herself, the hard way. That's why I'm torn.

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Its tough when someone your close to, I presume your mother has a difference of opinion with you. I clash with my mom about things that my sister sees eye to eye with me on. My relationship with my sister is a lot different than my relationship with my mom. Being her older brother I have a personal obligation to watch over her which may explain why you feel the way you do.

The love you have for your sibling is different than the love you have for your parents. Your mother is a generation older than you and things change. It seems with each generation we seem to be a little more irresponsible and lack a little more caution in relationships than the previous.

Also, keep in mind no one is in a better position to say something than you. Shes a perfect blood match to you, shes closer to you than anyone else more than likely. I use to be a "tell em what they want to hear" person, then i got burned and it opened my eyes to just how few people will say it.

it's a tough situation. but it is ultimatetely up to her to change her direction. often times you put so much energy toward trying to get another person to change that it drains you, because the other person won't do anything about it until they're ready.

if she really wanted to she could leave him. until family members are allowed to lock up their loved ones in a shed until they get over something, chances are you'll cause a lot more hurt and drama onto yourself.

remember the friend i used to have that was an alcoholic. her oldest sister would always try to have talks with her and she would always talk about how her sister hates her and "she said i'm ruining my life and i'm not waaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

you could tell her something, but don't do it expecting that she'll change her mind right away.

blue if i was in your situation, yes i would say something about the situation but have solutions ready too. if she becomes hostile then go no further with it. even if she takes it badly she will think about it in her own time and wonder why the conversation happened. she's a woman and will analyse the conversation but it might take her time to come to terms with it. don't push it just say it and see if you can then talk more about it

Blue, what help can you offer her? If you hold out a hand and open a door while telling her that where she is is unacceptable, she might be able to go for it.

Sounds like the guy is a psycho. Do you actually believe he would take their daughter? If so, that's a serious concern.

If she knew how to get out of this herself, she probably already would have. She needs help, and I think your mother is WRONG about not saying anything to her. You just have to say it in a non-condemnatory way.

Is she completely unaware you don't approve?

I think it is appropriate to tell her ONCE that you think she could do better and that you are worried. Tell her you will be as supportive as you can possibly be is she ever decides to leave him, and tell her you will help her to locate resources to assist her if she needs it. Tell her you aren't going to bring it up again (although she can), and then drop it. She isn't going to forget that you don't like him.

Also, I would abstain from giving her routine advice. She needs to learn to think for herself. I would probably say something along the lines of "Wow - that's awful. What are you going to do about it?" This route would be more likely to foster independent thinking.

Alternately, you can simply ask her every single time she comes to you "do you want me to tell you what you want to hear, or what I really think?"

I belong to the group where i speak the truth even if it means delivering the harshest light possible.
But what drew me to to speak up of this is not the case of on the 2 groups of people.
I've offered countless advices to my female friends before,sometimes the same ones with the same on going drama and if ever you were in my shoes before,you'd realise that girls especially,are not interested in putting your advice into action plan.
If so,why in the first place would they even seek advice?
Of all advices offered,none of the female really rationalise with their brain and it seems like everyone of them are acting on what their heart tells them too when we,by stander could tell they are walking into potential hurts.
If the truth has never been told to your sister,i suggest you sit down with her and speak to her.The rest is up to her.
No point doing the hard drilling.
How many times have we seen the classical case of a girl with a jerk,complain 24/7 but never leaves him?

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Originally Posted by Cbrider [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Here's the way I see it Blue:

There's two types of people in this world, the kind that tell you what you want to hear and the kind that tell you what you need to hear.

Your parents, your siblings, your GOOD friends and the people who generally care about you and take your best interests to heart are the people that tell you what you need to hear. The other 95% of the world you meet really don;t care about you or what happens to you. They want to tell you what you want to hear so everything is happy and you can continue to live inside your safe bubble.

You know from personal experience what it means to have people tell you what you need to hear. Usually you feel hostile towards what they say and generally don't want to hear it, but in the end they are always right because they care about YOU.

It's a choice only you can really make as to whether you want to step in and weather the storm for your sister, but you know how much you wish you would have heard what people thought before your ex. It takes a certain caliber of person to step up and say what everyone else is afraid to say.

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Originally Posted by bluesummer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

My main motivation is that no one in my family really told me about how they felt about my horrible ex and how he treated me until AFTER I made the choice to leave him, and I sort of wished they'd just told me they all thought he was a bastard.

Any thoughts? Should I push this further or leave it alone? What would YOU guys do?

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Blue, sorry to say but this situation is very different to what you had with your ex. First he was a lying, cheating scum and second you didn't have a child together. I'm surprised that no one from your family stood up and told you how it was back than. But in any case, don't let the justified feelings for your ex affect this particular situation. Even though this guy sounds like an asswipe he is not cheating on her and is not abusive to her (from what I understand) and they do have a family together, so it might be better to be a little bit more assertive in this situation.

Have they done counseling? Maybe that would help them with the communication issue? Have they done sex therapy / anything to spice up their sex life? Maybe that would help with the sex issue? Don't forget when you are giving advice that there is a child involved and a life of a single mother is not exactly cushy as well. It might be better for them to find a way to resolve their issues than to split (provided ofcourse there is no abuse going on).

besides their sex life, is there anything else we should be aware of? abuse? cuz if sex is the only issue, he doesn't sound that bad after all. he might be going through a phase. I do completely agree with everything Misha said.

Put her on LF, we'll straighten her out.

Blue,
I think you should let her know how you feel, and do it in an open-door way, as Giga suggested. I think unconditional love is the best way to support a person in this situation.

When my sister hated the guy I was dating last year, she definitely told me, but she also threatened to cut me off from our friendship if I kept on seeing him. I knew I was making bad decisions, but the idea that she would cut me off because of who I was associating with, hurt me so much, I got resentful and turned a deaf ear to any advice or support she wanted to give me.

They might be bad decisions, but they're still hers to make. I think if you keep this in mind while you're letting you her know how you honestly feel, it might help.

In the end, I forgave my sister. And I do feel like NOT saying anything at all could be bad for your relationship as well.

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Originally Posted by starbuck [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

When my sister hated the guy I was dating last year, she definitely told me, but she also threatened to cut me off from our friendship if I kept on seeing him. I knew I was making bad decisions, but the idea that she would cut me off because of who I was associating with, hurt me so much, I got resentful and turned a deaf ear to any advice or support she wanted to give me.

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What a horrible thing for your sister to say to you. If someone close to me told me something like that I'd probably continue seeing the person just out of spite for them.

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Originally Posted by Indignant [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

besides their sex life, is there anything else we should be aware of? abuse? cuz if sex is the only issue, he doesn't sound that bad after all. he might be going through a phase..

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Not that bad? I don't know, if my partner had to be forced into having sex with me a few times a year for the last three years, I'd think it was more than just a 'phase'. It's a PROBLEM.

Besides that, he:

* Hides money from my sister instead of bringing it home. He's a personal trainer and gets paid in cash. She's found wads hidden in his coat pockets when their bills are going unpaid.
* Refuses to 'talk about things' with her
* Is extremely insecure and tries to hide it by being standoffish, condescending, and sometimes outright cruel (to her and to others)
* Has routinely told my sister that the life he has with her was 'not what he wanted' - he acts like he's settling

I asked her once if she honestly saw herself marrying this guy and she said no. I think that says it all.

I know I can't save her from everything in her life, but I still think she'd be happier without him. Being a single mom isn't SO bad for her.....she's managed before. She has another child with an ex, and she managed just fine on her own. She has a good government job now. Her ex gives her money and spends lots of time with his child, he's a good Dad.

I think her current bf is dragging her down.

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Originally Posted by bluesummer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I know I can't save her from everything in her life, but I still think she'd be happier without him. Being a single mom isn't SO bad for her.....she's managed before. She has another child with an ex, and she managed just fine on her own. She has a good government job now. Her ex gives her money and spends lots of time with his child, he's a good Dad.

I think her current bf is dragging her down.

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So this guy is not the father of her child? And they are not married? I guess this makes the situation a bit different.

Though I would still recommend counseling, a lot of questions are unanswered. How did it get to this? If this is not what he wanted why is he with her? What makes him insecure and why does he want to hide it instead of finding a way of dealing with it? Why does he refuse to communicate? Why does she find guys of this caliber, is it pathological? (If it is she will just find a replacement just like him in the future). Counseling will provide a few answers to the above.

I agree Mishanya. Why is she choosing these men? And to be the father of her children at that.

Maybe she needs a break from a relationship to understand herself more--find out what issues she may have with herself and work on improving before finding a quality man.

If a man does not meet her standards (have dealbreakers) she should not bother dating him. It's just a waste of time for the both of them.

It's not all about the man. She chooses to remain with him. Until she ups her standards, you really cannot help her in the long term. She will find another man and be in a similar situation until she figures out what she is worth.

Blue, I'm sure she knows there are issues else she wouldn't be talking to you about them.

The most important thing you can do for a sibling is let her know she has your support whenever she needs it. I agree with Vash, that you should 'direct' her thinking, with the 'wow, what will you do?' type statements. This lets her know that you agree there is a problem (i.e. don't tell her its okay when you know its not) but that she needs to make the effort to figure things out.

I'd be careful of the brut honest opinion, tho, unless you know exactly what purpose it would serve. Usually, that kind of thing will only make her feel bad about her past choices. You want to motivate her to make new, better ones. If you really think she's better off without this guy, cultivate her feelings that will lead her to act: things like her sense of outrage, fairness, self-respect, that kind of thing. But let her bring these things up, you should just agree and 'guide' her to realizations about these things.

Just jokingly tell her that if she ever needs help moving a body, she should call you first. Laugh. Then look seriously at her and raise your eyebrows slightly, to say, "Not really kidding."

^^^I like that Giga!

Tell the sister that she should dump the loser somewhere....LOL...No seriously.

You could start sending her pictures of dumpsters and landfills. You know, places where she could drop his lame ass off.

Blue, has she always been an asshole magnet or is this new?

She doesn't always date assholes.....her previous bf, whom she had my nephew with, is a pretty decent guy. He's also in love w/her still. She dumped him b/c she was feeling insecure....she found some porn on the computer and dumped him for it. Stupid.

This current bf though....the first time I met him, she actually pointed to him (he worked with her) and said "....and that's Sean. He's an asshole, so I won't bother to introduce you". Two weeks later, they're an item. Six months later, she's pregnant. I think she feels like she needs to stay with him b/c they have a child together. If that's the case she should just go back to her ex, since he worships her and is more responsible, and he's ten years younger than the other guy.

Sean is angry about his life. He's a personal trainer, has a degree in kinesiology, but works retail selling supplements. Nothing has gone 'as he planned it'. Yet, he doesn't do anything to improve his situation and takes his frustration about his failed life out on my sister. He's moody and depressive. He has his good moments, but they're rare.

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Originally Posted by bluesummer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She dumped him b/c she was feeling insecure....she found some porn on the computer and dumped him for it. Stupid.

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Hmmm this statement concerns me about her. They must have been child pornography otherwise she has her priorities backwards and will continue.

This was five years ago though, and she now realizes it was immature.

It was just regular porn. At the time, she considered looking at it 'cheating'.

^^^ what a ridiculous conclusion.

Edit Lesa's, I was referring to.

If they are going to split, better now than when her baby is older.

There are lots of things he can do with a kines degree. Did he go to SFU? Tell him to go back and get his Master's in research so he can get a real job, its not that much more work and is a lot more satisfying.

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Originally Posted by Charlie Boy II [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

^^^ what a ridiculous conclusion.

Edit Lesa's, I was referring to.

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Hehe, CB I was being facetious. Sorry it wasn't obvious. I'm saying that it was ridiculous for her to break up with him because he watched some porn. Unless it was something crazy I don't think that was a good reason to let go of a good guy.