how to dump a nice girl

Hello, i will make it short

I met my GF about 9 months ago, and we have a relation of 9 month, she is the nicest person, and I like her.

For some reasons (i dont want to go through them), I can't continue with her, and at the same time I can't just tell her its over, that will be too harsh, and I won't reward her for being great and understanding in this horrible way.

I need some advice, tell me how can I make her get bored and don't like me anymore, in other words, I want her to dump me, a long term plan.

please I don't want anyone telling me to be brave and tell her, I just can't.

thnx

Stop being a pussy. The longer you wait the harder it will be for her.

If she loves you, she won't be quick to end the relationship and are you really willing to make her life miserable for 6 months or more?

I think it is easy, if you like someone, what you do is you try to build common areas of interest, spend more time together.
Now you can do the oppisite, try gradually to reduce the time you spend with her, reduce your calls, pretend you are busy, delay or not reply her messages or emails.

"You're a great person, I just don't share the same feelings as you, you deserve better, it's over and cannot be resolved, I have my reasons... " pick one... just end it. It's going to be ugly, there will be tears... and there isn't much you can do about it.

The problem with asking for advice and then limiting the answers, paul, is that you want us to ignore the best advice and ask for us to give you advice that none of us believe in. Cain's excellent response is your first taste of what happens when you try to do that here!

I suppose I could give you a few tips on how to alienate this poor girl and drive her away, but I won't because that is chicken-s**t beyond belief.

If you feel you have to leave her for your "secret" reasons (I suspect there is another girl involved there somewhere) then own up to it ... tell her you are sorry, give her words of encouragement, then leave her alone. The best advice I can give you (for her sake) is that once you break up, disappear from her life! It will help her get over you more quickly and limit her pain.

Carl.

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Originally Posted by Goldi [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think it is easy, if you like someone, what you do is you try to build common areas of interest, spend more time together.
Now you can do the oppisite, try gradually to reduce the time you spend with her, reduce your calls, pretend you are busy, delay or not reply her messages or emails.

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Goldi, I can't believe you are trying to help him do such a despicable thing!

Carl.

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Originally Posted by Goldi [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think it is easy, if you like someone, what you do is you try to build common areas of interest, spend more time together.
Now you can do the oppisite, try gradually to reduce the time you spend with her, reduce your calls, pretend you are busy, delay or not reply her messages or emails.

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Word of advice... yes this approach may work... but so does stabbing her in the heart... either way, she'll leave you alone... and both will damage her in some way.

She's a big girl, she can handle the truth. Nothing worse than knowing a guy dumped you and wouldn't tell you why. She could spend months or more, wondering what all the lies meant --- wondering what the real reason was.

Spare her the agony and just tell her why you're leaving... so she'll know and can move on quicker.

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Originally Posted by carl1222 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The problem with asking for advice and then limiting the answers, paul, is that you want us to ignore the best advice and ask for us to give you advice that none of us believe in. Cain's excellent response is your first taste of what happens when you try to do that here!

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Thanks carl,
I have just confissed that i don't have the courage, so limiting the answers because I already know one, but I feel its the worst.

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Originally Posted by carl1222 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If you feel you have to leave her for your "secret" reasons (I suspect there is another girl involved there somewhere) then own up to it

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My reasons don't involve any girl at all, I will be completely alone, and will be like that for a long period.

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Originally Posted by carl1222 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

... tell her you are sorry, give her words of encouragement, then leave her alone. The best advice I can give you (for her sake) is that once you break up, disappear from her life! It will help her get over you more quickly and limit her pain.
Carl.

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This is the exact response i was running from.

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Originally Posted by carl1222 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Goldi, I can't believe you are trying to help him do such a despicable thing!

Carl.

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I was thinking that Goldi gave me the best response, why do you think its despicable?
Don't you think its less harsh than giving her the bomb?

Paul, goldi gave you the response you were hoping for ... the one that lets you off the hook.

BUT, even if you drive her away, she will still wonder what she did to make you do that ... so driving her away won't work, and it will place the blame on her in her mind.

So I think it's despicable because it leaves her feeling like it was somehow her fault ... "what did I do to make him act this way?" That's her natural reaction unless she thinks you are some kind of "Jekyll and Hyde."

She's a great girl ... doesn't she deserve your honesty at the end?

Carl.

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Originally Posted by carl1222 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Paul, goldi gave you the response you were hoping for ... the one that lets you off the hook.

BUT, even if you drive her away, she will still wonder what she did to make you do that ... so driving her away won't work, and it will place the blame on her in her mind.

So I think it's despicable because it leaves her feeling like it was somehow her fault ... "what did I do to make him act this way?" That's her natural reaction unless she thinks you are some kind of "Jekyll and Hyde."

She's a great girl ... doesn't she deserve your honesty at the end?

Carl.

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Yes she does, I think I will take some time to build up some courage.

thanks Carl.

I don't like the "you're a great person. You desire better" approach. It's too cliche to sound sincere.

I would simply be straightforward about it. She probably knew something was wrong anyway. "(name here), I going to let this go. I (want this blah blah blah said here). I enjoyed (whatever here) but (need/want/desire here). You kinda knew we weren't a great match and it's not cool for me to use any more of your time thus preventing you from finding that better match. If you want to be friends I would like that and maybe we can give each other advice in the future. I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do for you right now to help you deal with this? Okay, take care."

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Originally Posted by lesa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't like the "you're a great person. You desire better" approach. It's too cliche to sound sincere.

I would simply be straightforward about it. She probably knew something was wrong anyway. "(name here), I going to let this go. I (want this blah blah blah said here). I enjoyed (whatever here) but (need/want/desire here). You kinda knew we weren't a great match and it's not cool for me to use any more of your time thus preventing you from finding that better match. If you want to be friends I would like that and maybe we can give each other advice in the future. I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do for you right now to help you deal with this? Okay, take care."

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I strongly disagree with the part of lesa's post in bold. If you have to let her go, then let her go completely. Encouraging her to settle for a friendship when what she wants is you as a romantic partner is cruel, she doesn't need "love scraps" and she needs to move on.

Carl.

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Originally Posted by paul_mot [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This is the exact response i was running from.

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Well... sometimes... responsibility really, really sucks... but you gotta do what you gotta do.. right?

How you let her go will determine what kind of lesson she learns from the parting... you'll probably mess this up... make it hurt a little more than it needs to... but so long as you tried to be honest and as mindful of her feelings as is reasonable, then you've owned up to your responsibilities.

You both need to learn why the breakup happened... and you'll be robbing her of that knowledge if you don't tell her the truth.

I understand this. 9 times out of 10 she will probably say no. But the friendship is a temporary or uhh "not true friendship" one for her to seek advice and learn from the relationship rather than leave her being clueless. In other words, it's used for making improvements. They would not be real friends and contacting and hanging out with each other. It for learning and coping. He is ending a good relationship with a good person that happens to not be a match. This was not an abusive or cheating relationship. Being friends with a ex for advice purposes is a great signs of a cool person. She will set the tone but he will not give her hope. She will likely not speak to him for many months but ending like that speaks volume about his character. He didn't just literally dumped her. They were simply not a great match that's all.

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Originally Posted by Aeradalia [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well... sometimes... responsibility really, really sucks... but you gotta do what you gotta do.. right?

How you let her go will determine what kind of lesson she learns from the parting... you'll probably mess this up... make it hurt a little more than it needs to... but so long as you tried to be honest and as mindful of her feelings as is reasonable, then you've owned up to your responsibilities.

You both need to learn why the breakup happened... and you'll be robbing her of that knowledge if you don't tell her the truth.

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yep exactly.

Exes can eventually be friends but it takes time. There's no way that she can be friends with him if the breakup isn't mutual. It will hurt too much and she will likely accept the friendship as a way to have some kind of emotional touch with him even if it hurts her.

I will try to time it when I will be leaving for another city, :( at the same time, I dont want to think if she will be able to continue on her own.

she is a student now, and she is independent, she works and studies, I would be very glad to keep in touch with her, to help her, and see if she is fine, But i won't.

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Originally Posted by Cain [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Exes can eventually be friends but it takes time. There's no way that she can be friends with him if the breakup isn't mutual. It will hurt too much and she will likely accept the friendship as a way to have some kind of emotional touch with him even if it hurts her.

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Not following this concise and well-put advice is probably the #1 reason that people suffer protracted pain after an unwanted breakup. The world is full of people who are starving on a diet of love crumbs. I would only add that it's up to the person who no longer wants the relationship to break it off completely ... the other person won't have the strength to do it by themselves.

Carl.

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Originally Posted by paul_mot [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

she is a student now, and she is independent, she works and studies, I would be very glad to keep in touch with her, to help her, and see if she is fine, But i won't.

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lol hahaha. No problem. If you guys are not a match then there's no real point trying to keep any contact because you were a couple in the past. Not everyone can or want to do that. That's perfectly fine. If you feel this way it doesn't make sense to stay with her now. I would make a quick, clean break. Do it now. You don't ever have to talk to her again.

Give her the golden showers and tell her thats what you think of her when youre done

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Originally Posted by Cain [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Exes can eventually be friends but it takes time. There's no way that she can be friends with him if the breakup isn't mutual. It will hurt too much and she will likely accept the friendship as a way to have some kind of emotional touch with him even if it hurts her.

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Originally Posted by carl1222 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Not following this concise and well-put advice is probably the #1 reason that people suffer protracted pain after an unwanted breakup. The world is full of people who are starving on a diet of love crumbs. I would only add that it's up to the person who no longer wants the relationship to break it off completely ... the other person won't have the strength to do it by themselves.

Carl.

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I made a mistake using the term friend. That's too strong of a term and I see that there are misunderstandings on what I mean. I mean that there is nothing wrong with being an acquaintance. You don't have to fear seeing or talking to them if you both are okay with that. If he breaks up with her because they were not a great match, there is no problem keeping them as an acquaintance if they both agree (a cheating or abusive relationship does not apply here).

It's strange to me to know that people completely avoid their former lover if the relationship was not a bad one--they were just not compatible. And they were not married...I would be pissed if my husband wants to break up with me but a boyfriend is not a husband. Who assumes they will spend a lifetime together with their bf or gf? Who puts that much energy to a bf/gf relationship? If I’m not at least engaged, I wouldn’t “kill myself” because he wants to end the bf/gf relationship. And I would still talk to him if I see him somewhere or if he called me as long as he understands there will be no relationship or any other type of intimacy between us.

The OP states that he doesn't want anything to do with her so that ends that. :lol: There's absolutely nothing wrong with that at all.

lesa, that wasn't directed at your comment at all ... I just wanted to highlight the simple and general truth that Cain expressed.

And I agree with you and others that she deserves a thorough explanation for why she is being dumped so she doesn't blame herself. I would never suggest that he say something like "We're breaking up, I don't want to see or talk to you again, see ya!!!"

But I still think that SHE will be much better off without any contact from him, even as an acquaintance or an advisor because that's not what she wants from him, and it will only prolong her pain.

Carl.