About Living Together

I would like to know your opinion on bf and gf living together before getting married. I have been living with my bf for over a year, it is ok with me, he shares house chores..yadda yadda but I need to travel and will be moving out v.soon. Anyways, my family was very against it, most of my friends too, am 28 for godssake am no kid. Their reasoning was that, once you live with a guy, there is no hope of getting married at all, why buy a cow when you can get milk for free, many couples who cohabited b4 getting married “often” divorce in future……these all reasons leave me confused.

My boyfriend has never discussed about marriage or having kids…never. This makes me wonder if indeed it is wrong to live with a guy b4 marriage. For all the Christians and bible believers, I agree, I have been living in sin.

Your Take?

I don't think there is anything wrong with living together as long as the end goal of both partners is to get married in a year or two down the line. I think it's actually important to live together before marriage to familiarise yourself more with the other person, it's possible that even though two partners are compatible, their living habits are a dealbreaker. But yes, the end date needs to be established.

You listed one possible consequence.

The second is that the two of you get married, and find out that you both get really fed up with living together and lacking personal space, and boom, divorce either way.

I'd advocate living together before marriage any day, mainly because you see what your partner is like in everyday life, not just when you meet up.

I plan to live with my boyfriend before marriage so I can get a feel of what kind of person he is. I can learn my peeves about the shit he does and see if it is something I can actually see myself putting up with in the long run.

Certainly the worst case scenario is that you move in with him, become dependent on him, get pregnant with him, and then all of a sudden he doesn't want to commit or marry or anything, and you're left to raise the child on your own.

I think you really need to think things through and talk with your boyfriend about marriage and children and things like that first. Your family is probably concerned because you don't seem to have thought things through very well.

Other than that, **** the family and friends. It's your decision, you're right, you're 28 years old. It's a good idea to live with someone before you marry them because you get to see their 3rd side. Most people have 3 sides you know... the side you see when you're out in public, the side you see around family and friends, and the side when they are at home alone. If you're not satisfied with that 3rd side, it could ruin the whole marriage.

Tell your BF about your thoughts, if he wants you and loves you, and doesn't use you, then he will understand, at least he can marry you on paper, and you can do the wedding or party or wtvr later.

I would NEVER marry someone I hadn't lived with first. Never.

Ok....I get it, most of you think it is good to live together first b4 getting married.

Like I said, I didnt think it is such a good idea since my bf never ever discusses about marriage or having kids ever since I moved in in October 2007. When I ask him or our friends ask about it, he always,.....always evades the question....he would just joke about it or change the subject. Am 28, he is 36 and I just feel like he is in no rush since am living there anyways......I am moving out (not breaking up) but atleast if this relationship doesnt work, am free to meet someone else....easier if I dont live with him.

By the way.....just to make things clearer, I am not moving out to make him do anything...am moving out and relocating to a different country for work. I am not in a rush to get married either but I want to be in a relationship that has AT LEAST a goal. My with him is just there.....we never discuss anything about the future, he is always avoiding the topic....it's like walking blindfolded and I dont like it. I dont wanna live with him for 5 years with nothing ever happening....I dont have such time to waste but I guess he does.

Andora, if marriage and kids are what you want, could anyone blame you for breaking up with him? I would be completely honest with him about your wants. After five years, for him to be avoiding the topic is a really bad sign that you both don't have the same goals.

Women are always so afraid of bringing stuff like this up with guys for fear of losing them or scaring them off. They don't want to rock the boat and they only end up screwing themselves in the long run. What if two years into the relationship he had point blank told you he didn't want marriage and kids? Would you have wasted 3 more years with him?

I'm not sure that living together is the problem. You and your boyfriend not having the same long term goals is the problem.

He's 36 and still not considering marriage? Wow thats a bad sign IMO. If he is so far in life and that still hasnt come to mind then I dont think it ever will.

If I can help it, I will never live with a boyfriend again unless I have a wedding date set. I've concluded that it's good to find out any habits that were hidden and are dealbreakers (but I doubt it). I won't live with him just to do the live-in boyfriend thing otherwise I will never marry. I will talk myself out of it if I live with a boyfriend for several years. There is no one is this world that doesn't have an annoying habit and without marriage I won't compromise.

Hell NO would I live together before marrying, especially if marriage was something I was interested in. Women who do this more often than not find themselves in the position you are in now.

And yeah, I don't want to play wife unless I AM one. Extra laundry and picking up after someone else isn't my idea of fun.

I'm torn about this issue because I can see the pros and cons of both. In fact, I've been thinking alot about this topic lately.

Hmmmm, I might need to start a thread.

So, for us men to understand a bit better, why is marriage as huge of a deal over just living together? Is it simply that the sort of vow of commitment ensures that they'll stick around if things are shaken up?

And me for example, I plan to move in with my bf for 2-3 months .It's a good way to know each other better but not commit anything :) but actually I already tell him when would I like to have kids and etc. I don't want to be an old mother :(

coming back to the issue... Yeah it's a bad sign if a guy especially in his age doesn't want to get married... Maybe he's "eternal bachelor" . Like my brother. He's 31,since about 4 years with his gf and when my mum asked him when he want's to get married he said: After Asia... Which means me ;) And I'm now 20 and don't plan any mariage in a short future... So maybe it's the same type as my brother ;) So it means "bad" if You want to get married :P Just talk to him... After 5 years You should already feel enough confident to talk about such issues...

I dont see anything wrong with living with your bf or gf before marriage. I dont live with mine but i pretty much do live at his house im always over there and i know how he is... I think it is a good way to see how they live and if you want that for the rest of your life. I know me and my bf have talked about marriage and we want to in the the future.

It's key to talk about your expectations in general. Even if you shack up with the guy, let him know that marriage is ultimately what you desire. And kids if that's what you want.

You still might be dating a person that will yes you to death about it, but at least you put your expectations on the table, and he won't be surprised when you're out the door when he won't marry.

And yes, Lipp. I think that's ultimately what the vow is all about. A pledge to be with the person no matter what. For alot of couples, religious stuff aside, marriage is a way to deepen their bond.

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Originally Posted by starbuck [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

For alot of couples, religious stuff aside, marriage is a way to deepen their bond.

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Also, most women who are interested in marriage are also interested in having families. Although getting married is no guarantee you will STAY married, it is the closest you will get, and that is important if you want kids.