long distance relationship, very long distance. advice please :)

hey to everyone who has bothered to read this thread but it's very important to me. i could really do with some solid good advice, maybe by someone who has experience in this subject.

basically by complete accident i met a girl 2 years ago on the internet. she is from italy and we got talking that day. i thought nothing more of it apart from that she was easy to talk to and we got on... i mean she was only someone i had met on the net right... anyway we spoke again after that and we got on even more. it was innocent and neither of us were out looking for someone. i am not that desperate and i know she wasn't lol. after about a month or so we were talking quite often, we exchanged numbers and we realised how compatable on a communicational basis. i felt like i could speak to her about anything, that we were comfortable talking together for hours at a time. it was weird because i had only known her for sometime.

as time went on, we grew more and more to like each other and to know each other. we spoke every day, emailed and txt all the time, spoke on the phone, spoke on an internet chat site. it got to the point where we would speak for maybe 8 hours a day sometimes. at this point i was infatuated with her, she was perfect personality wise. i consider her as my soul mate. it sounds maybe stupid to some of you but i know it. i have been in long relationships in the past in reality, but the 2 years i have spent with her have been better than any of them and i have not even met her yet. i love her physically aswel, she has something unique and sensual. there is only one of her in the world and i know she is the one. i also know this because being a guy, and guys will know what i am saying here, i have not slept with, kissed or been with anothe girl or desired to in the time i have had these strong feelings for her. i do not care of other girls, i only see her in my eyes. it is maybe crucial to say here that in 2 years we have tried to meet but it has failed twice due to money etc.

anyway everything sounds so rosey and perfect right. well the problem is that within all of this i have MAJOR trust issues as she is so far away and i am kind of that way anyway. it got to the point that if she made a compliment i would question it, i would study everything. i KNOW that we are soul mates and that we would be amazing together in reality. i would spend my life with this woman and she feels the same. this distance is killing us though. it is causing so many problems now after 2 years that it is creating torment, pain, depression and the feeling of no hope. ut yet we still talk everyday, we still desire each other. if she was any other girl i had accidently met on the net she would have been gone a long time ago, but the fact is she is so special to me that she is a part my life now to big to let go.

we are both quite stubborn in the sense when we are hurting we become cold and we hold things back. i think we miss the every day things any other couple maybe take for granted. seeing each other, being able to gaze into each others eyes, holding each other, catching her sweet scent and being there for each other. kissing and making love. the fact we are still here wanting each other every day for 2 years and to only have been able to talk must mean something....

but yea i don't know where to turn, i don't' know what to do to maintain this long distance relationship. if anyone could shed some light or give their opinion i would appreciate it very much. thanks for your time and sorry if it is a long ass thread. i could have written a hell of a lot more but i didn't :P cya and please post replies tom...

How far away ARE you guys from each other? You said she was in Italy, but didn't say where you were.

Also, i have just broken off a long distance relationship, so allow me to impart some tips...

IF you start a relationship with her, your gonna get jealous of her and the people she hangs out with. It's going to happen, and why not? They get to see her and you don't.

Your gonna get scared of her leaving you too... Why? Because all of her friends WILL be pressuring her into seeing someone closer. And if her family dislikes you or the distance, that's just more people that will be trying to ween her off of you. And to her, important people...

And Lastly, COMMUNICATION (although i don't think i have to tell you this, as you seem to have it down). Talk ALL the time.

The first two points are what ruined my relationship... And they WILL happen. As far as i can tell, they happen to every long distance relationship.

Or if your a math buff...
If P is Pressure to find someone else
And L is loneliness from you not being around
And C being communication....

P+L < C

i live in england. i know it is still the same continent but it is still a very long distance to have the person you love will you probably agree. i get very jealous of who she is with, of people around her. you cannot help but have visions on your mind of what could happen. it is a hell. like i said i would have left her long ago and finished this relationship if i didn't feel so damn strongly about her. i over think things in general and when it comes to this relationship even more. it causes me great torment sometimes and stress. but i would still go through it all to have her in my life... how long distance was your relationship and how long were you together? did you actually meet him/her also. sorry for the questions i am just curious :P

Oh don't worry about it man, ask away....

Yes i met her LONG before the relationship. Her and i worked together. BUT she was from an out of town office. So before the relationship, i would only see her a few times a month (if that).

Long story short, i couldn't keep my eyes off of her, i tried and tried for about a year to get her to go out with me. She finally said yes and we just hit it off. So WITH the relationship we saw each other more often but it still wasn't enough (MAYBE a week out of the month).

We did this for over a year (making total time we've known each other just about 2 years)... and let me tell you, we only lived 2 hours away. But when her family/friends/co-workers are all telling her to leave you and they start hooking her up with guys, It just wears on you. PLUS she lived next door to her ex and was ALWAYS getting hit on by other guys when she went out...

Now we spoke EVERYDAY, ALL DAY, and it still wasn't enough to over come the Jealousy and Loneliness... So even though i didn't suspect her of cheating on me (ok maybe a few times i suspected), i cut it off... it was just too much.

And i'm not trying to scare you out of this. I just want you to be armed with the knowledge that i didn't have...

2 hours, wow if she lived at the other end of england i would be happy and make sure i go see her lol. that is harsh how she lived next door to her ex, that would tear me up inside real bad. she seems to be genuine and sincere, but then i over think things and find things that make me think other wise. maybe they are there maybe i invent them i don't know. but you can relate to what i am going through. the fact is with your relationship you actually met each other, whereas we have never set eyes upon each other in reality. which after 2 years is maybe stupid. we have seen each other on cam loads and stuff. but i cannot seem to break it off because i love her so damn much :( PAIIIIN lol.

Well like i said, even if she's willing to wait for you to get up the resources to visit her (and i strongly recommend you do). You gotta remember her friends will be instilling doubt ABOUT you, to her.

Saying things like "Well he lives so far how can you be sure you can trust him" sorta things...

Honestly though, if i were you, i'd make a STRONG effort to go see her... Set a date and go for it....

How far away is she? Time wise....

Hello UKtom,
You actually don't have much problem here.. I mean, you both honestly love each other.. you're talking everyday for 2 years.. you know that's amazing. Not the typical ldr issue.
May I ask if you have a job? cause in two years you could have meet..:emot167:

well to asnwer to both of your posts, she lives about 3-4 hours on a plane. we are both at uni and no i do not have a job lol. i am focused on my career which is graphic design and i feel if i have a job i will not be able to focus on this totally. my worry is that this paranoia and jealousy is ruining what we have. it is causing tension and pain for both of us. sometimes i feel it is better if we leave each other but if we ever try we are soon again talking. it is impossible for us to be apart. it is like being stuck between 2 worlds of pain. but at least i have found someone who i consider to be my soulmate :) thanks for your comments though guys

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Originally Posted by UKtom [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

well to asnwer to both of your posts, she lives about 3-4 hours on a plane. we are both at uni and no i do not have a job lol. i am focused on my career which is graphic design and i feel if i have a job i will not be able to focus on this totally.

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Oh, that answers it :lol:
Well, you have a point, being a graphic designer consumes a lot of time.. you'll mostly spend your time on computer, not to have a chat with her.. but to work on your designs. but you will earn a lot from that job.. a good paying job especially when you fall on the right paying employer. :D

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Originally Posted by UKtom [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

my worry is that this paranoia and jealousy is ruining what we have. it is causing tension and pain for both of us. sometimes i feel it is better if we leave each other but if we ever try we are soon again talking. it is impossible for us to be apart. it is like being stuck between 2 worlds of pain. but at least i have found someone who i consider to be my soulmate :) thanks for your comments though guys

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It's nice to hear that you finally met your soul mate :) You can still work for it.. in no time, if you'll be able to wait more for each other, you can be together.
I'm happy for you UKtom.. good luck!

thanks a lot to you both. i hope all goes well. ironically i have just been speaking to her and as she studies languages at uni she has the chance of coming here. she read that she can maybe earn a place on a 6 month visit to here :D that would be perfect. yea if i manage to get a career in my passion which is graphic design, i could earn a lot of money. although it is a very competitive industry. and anyway soulmates are for life, so we have many years ahead of us if we are that connected. i just have this trust issue right now which i need to get over. thanks again :P peace out tom

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Originally Posted by UKtom [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

thanks a lot to you both. i hope all goes well. ironically i have just been speaking to her and as she studies languages at uni she has the chance of coming here. she read that she can maybe earn a place on a 6 month visit to here :D that would be perfect. yea if i manage to get a career in my passion which is graphic design, i could earn a lot of money. although it is a very competitive industry. and anyway soulmates are for life, so we have many years ahead of us if we are that connected. i just have this trust issue right now which i need to get over. thanks again :P peace out tom

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Wow, nice to hear that.
In a relationship, trust should always be on top, next to love.
and welcome! :)

That's hard on you, UKtom. It's something that will eat you up. LDR's are so hard to begin with, even if you trust someone completely and you get to see them all the time.

I wish I had some advice for you. All I can say is that it's really important that you remember that this is a YOU problem, not a HER problem, so don't torture the poor girl. It's not her fault that you're jealous and insecure.

i know it's not her fault that i am that way but i am that way and when i am mostly jealous or paranoid of her, i think things that lead me to believe she is not sincere and faithful. i feel bad for acting that way but i feel so helpless this far from her.

Oh man I feel so identified with you.

I'm in to a LDR and I know how hard it is to stop yourself on being jealous and paraoid. When I read your post, i thought i was reading myself.

But in my case, I am even more far away, we live in different continents, but we met already (that is a good part)

I can't help feeling that maybe he is not being sincere and faithful to me, even tho I spent a whole month with him in his country, and he treated me soooooooooo nice; I even met his whole family.

And I feel bad when I think bad about him and I have no reasons to think like that, which is 100% of the time.

I keep thinking if he wouldnt love me or wouldnt be interested in me, why he keep calling me? why he keep chatting with me? why did he introduce me to his family? there are a lot of questions that makes me think about my relationship.

Well, I havent been able to talk to him that often cause he is getting thru some issues at his place, but, if he wouldnt care about me, he would disappear completely, and he didnt.

We are still talking....

Im just saying that if we are strong enough, we can make this relationship to work.

And this distance, I think would make the relationship stronger when we get together for real.

So UKTom, I do understand you and if you feel like talking about these issues, you can count on me... we are in the same boat.

Good luck for you and your gf :)

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Originally Posted by UKtom [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

i also know this because being a guy, and guys will know what i am saying here, i have not slept with, kissed or been with anothe girl or desired to in the time i have had these strong feelings for her. i do not care of other girls, i only see her in my eyes.

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Yeah, I know what you're saying.

You're in predator mode. You have tunnel vision and believe it or not, you're still infatuated. Infatuated because you have nothing else. You have no one to touch, nobody to disagree with. You both can hide the majority of your flaws and put your best face on the webcam.

Thing is, even if you were to visit each other this would still be the case.

Forget what InLoveCR said. It doesn't matter how "strong" you are. Eventually someone will get tired, bored, or frustrated with the situation and give up on it. Either cutting off all contact or just wanting to be "friends".

You're not supposed to sustain a long distance relationship. Think of LDR's as a sort of engagement to a real close proximity relationship. But if nobody is making an effort, or any progress on getting closer together then what's the point?

A fish may love a bird, but where would they live?

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Originally Posted by Frasbee [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Forget what InLoveCR said. It doesn't matter how "strong" you are. Eventually someone will get tired, bored, or frustrated with the situation and give up on it. Either cutting off all contact or just wanting to be "friends".

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HOW COME YOU KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN????

What if they can manage being together? What if they are doing everything they can to be together ??

And about you're sayin that someone will get tired, bored or frustrated... that could happen if you are with your partner in person. You can live with your gf or bf and get tired, bored or frustrated as well.

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Originally Posted by InLoveCR [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

HOW COME YOU KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN????

What if they can manage being together? What if they are doing everything they can to be together ??

And about you're sayin that someone will get tired, bored or frustrated... that could happen if you are with your partner in person. You can live with your gf or bf and get tired, bored or frustrated as well.

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Because we see cases like these all the time.

If "doing everything" they can do is talk on-line then what difference is it going to make? It doesn't even sound like either of these two can really afford such a long distance relationship. What are they gonna do? Just move in together? And who's going to be the one to move?

And yes, you can get tired, bored or frustrated with your partner in real life, but honestly, you're a hell of a lot more likely to grow bored of the one dimensional aspect of a on-line or phone relationship.

You can talk, and all you can do is talk.

You can't go for a walk, can't hug them, can't kiss them. You can't visit their place for an hour or so and head back to your house. You can't meet up with them real quick for some coffee before you start your day. You can't wake up with them, you can't make them breakfast. You can't see how they are with other people, experience things with them that neither of you have experienced. Can't take trips, can't visit each other's family. Cook dinner together or have sex.

You have less things to argue about because you're more likely to be on your best behavior when you're talking to them. You never have to work through real world problems together. Can't deal with a flat tire, or death of a loved one.

Even in a progressing LDR where the couples are actually taking concrete steps to moving closer, if not in with each other, many of these things are missing. Relationships can be difficult enough as it is. Having to deal with distance, lack of intimacy, finances, culture, family/friend approval are only strains on the relationship. You can be bullish about it now, but unless you're taking steps, somebody will eventually back down. Doesn't mean they didn't have their heart in it, it's just a fact, everyone has a breaking point.

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Originally Posted by Frasbee [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Because we see cases like these all the time.

If "doing everything" they can do is talk on-line then what difference is it going to make? It doesn't even sound like either of these two can really afford such a long distance relationship. What are they gonna do? Just move in together? And who's going to be the one to move?

And yes, you can get tired, bored or frustrated with your partner in real life, but honestly, you're a hell of a lot more likely to grow bored of the one dimensional aspect of a on-line or phone relationship.

You can talk, and all you can do is talk.

You can't go for a walk, can't hug them, can't kiss them. You can't visit their place for an hour or so and head back to your house. You can't meet up with them real quick for some coffee before you start your day. You can't wake up with them, you can't make them breakfast. You can't see how they are with other people, experience things with them that neither of you have experienced. Can't take trips, can't visit each other's family. Cook dinner together or have sex.

You have less things to argue about because you're more likely to be on your best behavior when you're talking to them. You never have to work through real world problems together. Can't deal with a flat tire, or death of a loved one.

Even in a progressing LDR where the couples are actually taking concrete steps to moving closer, if not in with each other, many of these things are missing. Relationships can be difficult enough as it is. Having to deal with distance, lack of intimacy, finances, culture, family/friend approval are only strains on the relationship. You can be bullish about it now, but unless you're taking steps, somebody will eventually back down. Doesn't mean they didn't have their heart in it, it's just a fact, everyone has a breaking point.

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I somewhat agree with these.. but not all ldrs fail, there are some couples whose relationships were long distance before and are now living together and are happily married. I have a friend and my cousin had ldrs.. and they all ended fine.. though because my cousin's husband is working on the other state, they had to move there, but we're happy for them cause she finally found the man she's been waiting.
A little sacrifice and a lot of understanding and trust, I guess are the prerequisites before entering into long distance relationship, if you really want it to work.. and that's what long distance relationship is all about.

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Originally Posted by UKtom [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

sometimes i feel it is better if we leave each other but if we ever try we are soon again talking. it is impossible for us to be apart. it is like being stuck between 2 worlds of pain. but at least i have found someone who i consider to be my soulmate :)

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This makes me think their relationship will work like what others had achieved.. and anyway, any relationships has a working process, if the other did not participated well or lost it's love, then it will really fail.

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Originally Posted by kate_spencer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I somewhat agree with these.. but not all ldrs fail, there are some couples whose relationships were long distance before and are now living together and are happily married.

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Well, sure. I'm one of those people, but I had something going in my LDR that UKTom doesn't seem to have, and that was a light at the end of the tunnel. Where's the hope? When can they actually be together?

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Originally Posted by kate_spencer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I somewhat agree with these.. but not all ldrs fail, there are some couples whose relationships were long distance before and are now living together and are happily married. I have a friend and my cousin had ldrs.. and they all ended fine.. though because my cousin's husband is working on the other state, they had to move there, but we're happy for them cause she finally found the man she's been waiting.
A little sacrifice and a lot of understanding and trust, I guess are the prerequisites before entering into long distance relationship, if you really want it to work.. and that's what long distance relationship is all about.

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Like Giga, I also had a "successful" LDR. But it was hard, emotionally and mentally, and fiscally. 300 dollars a plane ticket every other month while working a part time job was not easy.

I almost broke it off, but we started making concrete plans to move closer together.

Then we did.

But then that wasn't enough either, so we made plans to move in with each other.

Then we did.

Overall things have been going well for us.

On the other hand, I had known her a year before we started the LDR deal so my circumstances were different than just meeting some random person on the internet.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, sure. I'm one of those people, but I had something going in my LDR that UKTom doesn't seem to have, and that was a light at the end of the tunnel. Where's the hope? When can they actually be together?

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well, that's up with them..
like what I said to Uktom: he could earn money from his chosen career which is graphic design.. since money was the primary reason why their meet up was canceled twice..
I guess if he managed to get a job even a part time job of graphic designing.. that could be the light and the hope they could hold on to.. it depends on how persevere a person is.. and if their love for each other is enough and the trust.. I guess they can make it.

take Frasbee advice he had a ldr that worked but he knows yours is not going to work.
You will get tired, bored, or frustrated with the situation and give up on it.
I dont know how come that didnt happened to him, but is going to happen to you.

And BTW i never said it was going to be easy... both need to get compromised to each other, and make the effort and sacrifice to be together in real life, if both want the relationship to work... no matter what
PS.. sorry for being sarcastic.

I will also add my 2 cents to the pot for statistics sake: I was also in an LDR with my to-be-husband for 1 year.

But we were dating for 2 years before that and knew that the separation was only temporary. That 'light at the end of the tunnel' that Fras and Giga mention is the make-or-break factor for LDRs, and I've never seen an exception to this.

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Originally Posted by InLoveCR [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

take Frasbee advice he had a ldr that worked but he knows yours is not going to work.
You will get tired, bored, or frustrated with the situation and give up on it.
I dont know how come that didnt happened to him, but is going to happen to you.

And BTW i never said it was going to be easy... both need to get compromised to each other, and make the effort and sacrifice to be together in real life, if both want the relationship to work... no matter what
PS.. sorry for being sarcastic.

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If you were sorry for being sarcastic you wouldn't have posted that at all.

Anyway, the reason why I have no faith in his LDR is because as Indie said, where's the light at the end of the tunnel?

The reasons why mine was successful was because I made the money to visit her, I took the time to visit her. I also lived in close proximity to her as a friend for a year prior. Like I said, we took steps. Moved closer together, discussed things, then moved in with each other in a completely different city.

That's the difference between what was my LDR and his.

I didn't seem him mention a time frame to move in with each other, or even a date to visit. Not enough money to visit regularly, and no life experience with each other.

Yes, it takes compromise, hard work, effort to make LDRs work, but where are all those things in this LDR? I just don't see the effort and action that's necessary to bring these people together.

Chatting on-line every day is only sustaining the status quo, it isn't progressing the relationship. Are you following what I'm saying?

Unless they make some drastic changes, this LDR is just going to fade away.

One of my favorite professors was in an LDR for (I think) seven years. She and her partner were both tenured professors on opposite ends of the country and she finally had to give up her tenure to start over at his university so they could be together.

Is the OP ready to make that kind of sacrifice? Because it WILL be necessary to some degree. Don't want to repeat what everyone else has been saying, but what kind of sacrifices and compromises are you making now while you're safe at home?