What it means to be ignored for a video game.

I live with a good friend of mine and her boyfriend. I need help on giving her some advice, because I can tell she is being neglected... Basically, her boyfriend blatantly ignores her for a computer game. He plays the game as soon as he wakes up, and as soon as he comes home from work; that is literally all he does. The only time he even glanced at her today was to accept the dinner she had made for him. I can tell it hurts her to be living with someone who treats her second best to a video game... =[ She comes into the living room just to be near him, and even has tried to act interested in his game just to be included... And all he does is snap at her, and continues to give her the cold shoulder. She enjoys video games herself, so perhaps that's why she hasn't confronted the issue... But there is a huuuuge difference between enjoying video games, and using them as a way to make her feel insignificant and needy. She does not see the manipulation going on here, and she doesn't realize that his neglect directly impacts her self esteem. I really care about her, and I've tried mentioning it to her before, but she doesn't seem to realize that it is a problem when your live-in boyfriend would rather put on his headphones and shoot people for hours in an alternate reality than spend time together. She seems to just brush it off like no big deal, when I know for a fact that this is hurting her. What can I do to make her realize that this is wrong? How do I approach the situation without over-stepping my boundaries as her friend and roommate??

- Heather

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Originally Posted by JumpinBean [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What can I do to make her realize that this is wrong? How do I approach the situation without over-stepping my boundaries as her friend and roommate??

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I don't think it is appropriate for you to do or say anything. She PICKED this guy. She will address this problem when she is ready, and if you interefere before that time, she will likely rebel against YOU.

If she brings it up, that's another story.

stay out of it.

Vashti is right, you're not in a position to interfere with what you think is a problem in their relationship.. anyway, your friend already told it's not a problem to her. Well, actually she's doing her best to join her boyfriend on his hobby and to spend time together.. as long as it works for them, I guess there's no problem. Maybe because playing video game is his way of releasing stress from work.. and also to enjoy himself.. cause that's effective to release stress, and I do that too.. it's fun. :lol:
But I understand you though, you're just concerned to your friend.. let her ask for your help if ever she needs it, anyway, she will if she really needs it. :)

Lead by example. Maybe if she sees you being treated right by someone she'll get inspired to want more.

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Originally Posted by JumpinBean [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I can tell it hurts her to be living with someone who treats her second best to a video game. She does not see the manipulation going on here, and she doesn't realize that his neglect directly impacts her self esteem. She doesn't seem to realize that it is a problem. She seems to just brush it off like no big deal, when I know for a fact that this is hurting her. What can I do to make her realize that this is wrong?

- Heather

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I agree with the posters above, it's none of your business and it's not your place to interfere.

I selected parts from your post that show your absolute arrogance for thinking that YOU know better than SHE what's good for HER relationship. Are you her therapist??

Carl.

what's the game?

Counter strike?

World of Warcraft? :lol:

She said "shoot" so I would assume it's a first person shooter.

It is WoW. I'm a sinner now. I don't play nothing but SoaSE

Sounds to me like you're making assumptions based off what you see. Maybe it's bothering you more than it is her. You should have asked her how her relationship is going by now if you really cared.

And so the best thing to do is just ask about it. If she tells you she is unhappy feel free to talk about it with her. If she says she's happy with it, she will probably ask why you wondered. Then you could mention how it seems like he isn't giving her enough attention.

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Originally Posted by doppelgaenger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sounds to me like you're making assumptions based off what you see. Maybe it's bothering you more than it is her. You should have asked her how her relationship is going by now if you really cared.

And so the best thing to do is just ask about it. If she tells you she is unhappy feel free to talk about it with her. If she says she's happy with it, she will probably ask why you wondered. Then you could mention how it seems like he isn't giving her enough attention.

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Doppel, I have to disagree with you a bit on this one. If her roomie wants to come to her for comfort and advice on her relationship problems, then fine ... because she has been invited to comment. If roomie doesn't, then 1) roomie doesn't have a problem; or 2) she is not the person roomie wants to seek advice from. I think roomie has already said she doesn't have a problem ... why impose one?

Carl.

Those in the midst of an argument will join forces to fend off whoever interferes...

All you can do is watch their relationship deteriorate or improve... and wait to be asked for advice/help when they feel it is necessary. That's really all friends can do.

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Originally Posted by carl1222 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Doppel, I have to disagree with you a bit on this one. If her roomie wants to come to her for comfort and advice on her relationship problems, then fine ... because she has been invited to comment. If roomie doesn't, then 1) roomie doesn't have a problem; or 2) she is not the person roomie wants to seek advice from. I think roomie has already said she doesn't have a problem ... why impose one?

Carl.

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Well okay, but if you watch your friend fall off their bike, do you wait for them to get up and ask you for a bandaid, or do you go over to see if they are okay?

I'm not telling JumpinBean to douse her roommate in neosporin and bandage her up like a mummy. It's okay to ask how a relationship is going and voice your opinion. In my book, a true friend would not make any assumption.

Where are you from anyway? Here we don't invite others to comment. We just comment. And we sure as hell don't assume everything is okay until otherwise is spoken... especially when a possible problem is afoot.

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Originally Posted by doppelgaenger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well okay, but if you watch your friend fall off their bike, do you wait for them to get up and ask you for a bandaid, or do you go over to see if they are okay?

I'm not telling JumpinBean to douse her roommate in neosporin and bandage her up like a mummy. It's okay to ask how a relationship is going and voice your opinion. In my book, a true friend would not make any assumption.

Where are you from anyway? Here we don't invite others to comment. We just comment. And we sure as hell don't assume everything is okay until otherwise is spoken... especially when a possible problem is afoot.

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I agree doppel but as she said "I've tried mentioning it to her before, but she doesn't seem to realize that it is a problem when your live-in boyfriend would rather put on his headphones and shoot people for hours in an alternate reality than spend time together. She seems to just brush it off like no big deal" So she already has done what you suggested. How much interference in someone else's relationship is too much?

When I said "invite to comment" I meant roomie inviting OP to comment (again and again until roomie sees it "her way"), not here on the forum where we all say what we think.

Carl.

if she is willing to put up with this that it's up to her. if she doesn't like it, then she can leave. i won't sympathize with her because she wants to stay with a guy that doesn't want to treat her the way that she wants to be treated. there are too many fish in the sea for people to waste their efforts on bullshit.

raverboy

In that case, my bad. I misread the original post.

How much interference is too much? - When one feels the right to decide what is good and what isn't good for someone's relationship lol. I agree with you now that you pointed out what was misread.

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Originally Posted by Illusional [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

if she is willing to put up with this that it's up to her. if she doesn't like it, then she can leave. i won't sympathize with her because she wants to stay with a guy that doesn't want to treat her the way that she wants to be treated. there are too many fish in the sea for people to waste their efforts on bullshit.

raverboy

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The funny thing is that, these days, the huge fish that take forever to angle in usually have the most mercury content.

There's another metaphor for ya ;)

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Originally Posted by Illusional [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

if she is willing to put up with this that it's up to her. if she doesn't like it, then she can leave. i won't sympathize with her because she wants to stay with a guy that doesn't want to treat her the way that she wants to be treated. there are too many fish in the sea for people to waste their efforts on bullshit.

raverboy

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Exactly, raver.

I am a big fan of old television ... the Honeymooners ... an episode where Norton tries to convince Ralph to lay down the law. At the end, Ralph always has an epiphany ... in this episode his epiphany was "how dare I let an outsider try to run MY marriage!!!" Always good advice.

Carl.

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Originally Posted by carl1222 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Exactly, raver.

I am a big fan of old television ... the Honeymooners ... an episode where Norton tries to convince Ralph to lay down the law. At the end, Ralph always has an epiphany ... in this episode his epiphany was "how dare I let an outsider try to run MY marriage!!!" Always good advice.

Carl.

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umm... care to clarify?? i'm drinking and didn't quite catch your interpretation.

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Originally Posted by doppelgaenger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The funny thing is that, these days, the huge fish that take forever to angle in usually have the most mercury content.

There's another metaphor for ya ;)

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maybe that's why i always have a high alcohol content in my system...

raverboy

Clarification ... people run their own relationships for good or ill .. without outside help.

Carl.

that's something that i never understood. let me sum it up....

people in general (dumb or not) love to stay in relationships because their are getting some sort of attention that they think they will never find anywhere else. regardless of their are constantly being hurt or ignored,end of the t they are just blind to see the light that might be at the other side of the tunnel. maybe it's because they are afraid to take a chance at a new beginning, or maybe they are just weak that they can't stand on their own two feet. whatever the reason may by, it really does surprise me when people can't leave a relationship for a better one because they want to or need to return to a life of hardships.

raverboy

you know what, life is too good to be wasted on video games. I know we all play it, but it can get really dehumanizing sometimes.

just throwing it out there.

I really wouldn't blame it on videogames... I'd blame it on the guy for being a douchebag.

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Originally Posted by JumpinBean [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I live with a good friend of mine and her boyfriend. I need help on giving her some advice, because I can tell she is being neglected... Basically, her boyfriend blatantly ignores her for a computer game. He plays the game as soon as he wakes up, and as soon as he comes home from work; that is literally all he does. The only time he even glanced at her today was to accept the dinner she had made for him. I can tell it hurts her to be living with someone who treats her second best to a video game... =[ She comes into the living room just to be near him, and even has tried to act interested in his game just to be included... And all he does is snap at her, and continues to give her the cold shoulder. She enjoys video games herself, so perhaps that's why she hasn't confronted the issue... But there is a huuuuge difference between enjoying video games, and using them as a way to make her feel insignificant and needy. She does not see the manipulation going on here, and she doesn't realize that his neglect directly impacts her self esteem. I really care about her, and I've tried mentioning it to her before, but she doesn't seem to realize that it is a problem when your live-in boyfriend would rather put on his headphones and shoot people for hours in an alternate reality than spend time together. She seems to just brush it off like no big deal, when I know for a fact that this is hurting her. What can I do to make her realize that this is wrong? How do I approach the situation without over-stepping my boundaries as her friend and roommate??

- Heather

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Originally Posted by doppelgaenger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well okay, but if you watch your friend fall off their bike, do you wait for them to get up and ask you for a bandaid, or do you go over to see if they are okay?

I'm not telling JumpinBean to douse her roommate in neosporin and bandage her up like a mummy. It's okay to ask how a relationship is going and voice your opinion. In my book, a true friend would not make any assumption.

Where are you from anyway? Here we don't invite others to comment. We just comment. And we sure as hell don't assume everything is okay until otherwise is spoken... especially when a possible problem is afoot.

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agreed, this guy sounds like he's bored of her so they atleast need to talk about what they want from the relationship. i can understand a little time playing but all of it? he needs help.

as for what ucan do about it? not much really, u cant tell her what to do and when u talk to her u have to keep impartial/calm, dont make it hard for her to talk to u and dont push her - maybe it's just a temp glitch or has some bigger story which u dont know.

Thanks (to some of you) for your responses, but I find the majority of them to be rather cold-hearted. I'm not just assuming out of thin air that she is unhappy. What you people don't know, is that when she drinks, she is honest, and tells me how much she HATES him. She even tells HIM how much of an asshole he is. She screams, cries, vents, and then the next day she denies ever saying it and pretends everything is peachy keen. DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS.

Not only that, I can tell by her demeanor that she is suffering verbal abuse, and I can hear him yelling at her in their bedroom through my bathroom wall. I know everything is NOT okay, but she is too submissive to ask for help or confront the issue. You people are assholes if you'd sit by and watch your roommate be abused and just turn the other way.

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Originally Posted by Illusional [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

that's something that i never understood. let me sum it up....

people in general (dumb or not) love to stay in relationships because their are getting some sort of attention that they think they will never find anywhere else. regardless of their are constantly being hurt or ignored,end of the t they are just blind to see the light that might be at the other side of the tunnel. maybe it's because they are afraid to take a chance at a new beginning, or maybe they are just weak that they can't stand on their own two feet. whatever the reason may by, it really does surprise me when people can't leave a relationship for a better one because they want to or need to return to a life of hardships.

raverboy

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This is exactly what's going on. She's never had another boyfriend so she has nothing to compare it to. She's become dependant on him, and he's lowered her self-esteem... therefore she will never have the strength to leave the relationship, and believe she is worthy of being treated with respect. She's been with him for 3 years, and he has managed to gain complete control over her. She has no free-will. She can't even go out with me without asking him for permission, and she's older than he is!! This guy is a complete loser. It's ridiculous.

Jumpin_Bean... asshole behavior or not... the facts are the facts... you can't control anyone... you can't convince them when they don't want to be convinced... and you cannot tell them how to run their relationship.

You're an outsider... which means you have to wait for your friend to either ask for your advice/perspective or finally admit you are right. Till then... all you can do is watch from the sidelines...

If you jump in and try to tell her what she needs to be doing... him and her both will turn on you. He will use the opportunity to get rid of you and she will feel betrayed by your lack of faith in her as a friend.

Either way it goes... you're powerless to help until she comes to you.

This scenario reminds me why cops hate going out to somestic violence calls. The guy beats the crap out of the woman, and when the cops show up to arrest him, the woman takes his side, and attacks the cops.

JumpinBean - I don't sugest you just sit there and watch all this go on. i suggest you move away, and tell your friend you can't stand watching any more. Then tell her she can come to you when she's had enough.

A client of mine had this problem--her husband came home every night and played video games. It wasn't like she was undesirable---actually, very smart, very sultry, and total hottie. Very classy, too.

She sought solace from me in terms of conversation--she'd hand around after meetings to talk with me about life, etc. Didn't complain about the husband but mentioned it once. She wasn't going for "tea and sympathy" but had I offered, then it might have led to that. All that being said, she eventually left the guy. Thank goodness for her strength to leave.

The one thing I learned about all of this is the huge number of guys who are this way with their women--they'll just play video games and ignore the great person right next to them. I don't get it...I really don't understand the nut-so quality of men like this. I also don't understand the patience women have with creeps like this...but, they'll patiently wait and hope that he'll turn around one day and see the light. Whatever.

The advice earlier is right on--don't get involved. She has to figure it out for herself. Namely, that a lot of guys are losers...regardless of how nice they might look in your dream wedding photos.

Video games aren't my poison but that's exactly the kind of guy I am. Something new and shiny comes along and that's that. I just don't drag the relationship out after my interest has waned.

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Originally Posted by JumpinBean [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thanks (to some of you) for your responses, but I find the majority of them to be rather cold-hearted. I'm not just assuming out of thin air that she is unhappy. What you people don't know, is that when she drinks, she is honest, and tells me how much she HATES him. She even tells HIM how much of an asshole he is. She screams, cries, vents, and then the next day she denies ever saying it and pretends everything is peachy keen. DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS.

Not only that, I can tell by her demeanor that she is suffering verbal abuse, and I can hear him yelling at her in their bedroom through my bathroom wall. I know everything is NOT okay, but she is too submissive to ask for help or confront the issue. You people are assholes if you'd sit by and watch your roommate be abused and just turn the other way.

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OK so now the gloves come off, Jumpin. You are an unapologetic control freak. We've almost universally told you that your grasp is way beyond your reach, yet you just can't stand the thought that someone would decide NOT to take your "wise" advice. So if she rejects it she MUST be submissive. I think it's revealing of your closed mind that you thank everyone who agrees with you, and call anyone who dares to disagree an a**hole ... this is pretty much what you are trying to ram down your roomie's throat, isn't it?

So you assume that your roomie is somehow defective, stupid even ... and needs to be "taken care of." Even though she is an adult, you decide to treat her like a 10 year old. Drunken words are NOT sober thoughts, they are an exaggeration of them at most. I've said things drunk that upon sober reflection, I did not mean. Alcohol is not the gateway to the subconscious and it's just dumb psychobabble to think it is.

As Aeradalia said, you are risking alienating everyone by forcing yourself into a private matter between two people in a relationship.

If he was hitting her in front of you, that would be another matter entirely. But you are so hell-bent on finding all the bad in their relationship, you obviously can't see any good in it. Your roomie can.

If you want to be a mommy, have your own kids. Let the grown ups run their own lives and butt out!

Carl.

hahaha i know that my thoughts weren't the nicest. yes i was drinking last night, but i still feel the same way. i just find it pitiful that people can't make their own choices, yet they are wiling to suffer because they won't take a stand.

if you're friend isn't willing to open her eyes, and she wants it done for her.. then you can either do two things. stand and watch her dumbness, or try and break it up and risk losing your friendship.

raverboy

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Originally Posted by JumpinBean [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What you people don't know, is that when she drinks, she is honest, and tells me how much she HATES him. She even tells HIM how much of an asshole he is.

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This is energy she should be directing to either fixing her issues with him, or figuring out why its a good idea for her to leave. Don't enable her to stay in an unhappy relationship by letting her feel better about emotional issues best sorted out with him directly.

The best thing you can do as her friend, is let her figure this out for herself. You can be empathetic, I suggest things like 'ah, that's a shame, what will you do about it'? But ultimately, its her relationship to fix or walk away from, not yours.

I agree with Giga. You need to get your own BF and work on your own relationship skills. Since they are clearly going to be superior to your friends, you can teach her by example.

Beyond that, tho, I would strongly advise against sticking your neck out. You will only get clipped. By one or both.

I can never meet a girl who would act like that, she would leave me with the quickness.. So, she must just not have enough faith in herself to know that she can go and find somebody better. I agree that I wouldn't interfere either, its her choice to stay with somebody who treats her like crap. But yeah, you can talk to her as a friend and tell her that she deserves better. But don't talk to him about it, because he obviously doesn't deserve it!