Should I LEAVE or Should I STAY
Ok this is a long post please read it all....
Ok , so Iv been with my gf for 2 years now. At the beginning I didn’t initially fancy her. She wasn’t popular at all and didn’t wear make up or anything but I started fancying her because all my mates did, I started flirting with her and she started wearing more make up and nice clothes and it turns out she had fallen for me and she asked me out. I now realise she is extremely good looking and sometimes I cant get over how amazing she looks. Before I got with her I could have only dreamt with being with a girl that looks like her.
At the beginning of our relationship I wasn’t sure of us, at early stages in the relationship I thought of leaving, but stuck with it because she was too nice of a person. Iv really tried to do my best with her and treat her like a princess because she has the least confidence I have every seen of somebody who is sooo amazing. I tell her how amazing she is nearly everyday, both looks and personality because she is also a wonderful person.
However for some reason from time to time my love for her sinks and I feel I don’t truly love her. She is completely in love with me, more than I love her. I really care about her, but at times I see her as just a really special friend. I go through phases of really really loving her and she brings up marridge in the future (not in a too serious way just lightly) but I don’t like talking about that.
A part of me doesn’t want to be with her from now until the rest of my life, although I know she may be the most amazing person I will ever be with. However I also go through phases were I feel I can’t be in the relationship anymore. I feel too young for a serious relationship and feel tied down. I miss going out with my friends, as any time were out in a nightclub she needs to be with me for the whole time and she doesn’t like it when I want to go talk to my friends on my own while she talks to hers.
Because of our relationship she has lost most of her friends, well not properly, just she’s not as close to them as before, she wants to do everything with me and doesn’t want to spend time with her friends. I went on a 3 week holiday with just my friends, and sometimes felt tempted by other girls, and didn’t think about her. On the 3rd last day I was very drunk and my feelings about our relationship came out and I felt I didn’t want to be with her. I hooked up with a girl form back home that she knew, we kissed but as it came to doing more I stopped it.
The day after I realised how stupid I had been. When I came back from the holiday I told her that I had kissed a girl, and told her who it was. After many tears she stayed with me and I realised how much I cared for my her. It hurt me sooo much that I saw her in pain, I was very lucky to be with her and the holiday was the biggest regret of my life.
I came to realise that my feelings for her were obviously not strong enough if I was able to cheat on her, even if I was drunk. I felt deep down a need to be single again because I miss the old me, I miss doing whatever I want. And going out and having fun.
However I also go through phases were im completly in love with her and in 10 years time would gladly marry her. She is perfect in every sense, we rarely argue and if we do we are both quick to apologise. She is still very hurt 7 months on from the cheat and she regularly gives me digs about how I like blondes ( the girl I kissed was blonde and other stuff how I fancy other girls), to which I would be mean to her and not talk.
I know this is mean as it was me who hurt her in the first place and she has a right to be angry with me. However the digs have nearly stop, and i am able to take the digs and not respond, although they still hurt alot.
It feels like sometimes when we talk on the phone she would talk for a solid 5mins on the phone about her problems or how shes worried about something. I always give her the best advice I can but now it is starting to get annoying as I feel all she has is problems and cant get over the fact I kissed another girl. I this is mean of me to think like this but I cant cope hearing her constantly bring this up.
But deep down she was always just a she unconfident girl. She always has said that I am the best thing that has ever happened to her as she feels popular and more confidant because of me. She tells me how lucky she is to have me, but I always tell her how amazing she is and that she could have any guy in the world if she wanted and that Im the one who is so lucky. I also tell her how lucky I am to have her after cheating.
What should I do? Deep down I feel I know the answer. But this girl loves me so mush, she would never hurt anyone and it would break my heart to see her in tears if I decided to leave her, I fear that she would loose all her confidence and feel there is nothing left for her in the world. Im truly her best friend and I know shed be lost without me. She tells me all the time how she misses me if I don’t see her for a couple of days. But when Im away I don’t seem to miss her as much as she does me. I know I need to leave but Id be so brokin hearted about it, it would kill me.
However as things are I cant do it. I cant stay with her for another 6-8 yeasrs and then get married , my life wouldn’t be fulfilled. I need to break, and if in a long time I realised she was the one for me I would try find her and marry her. But by then it could be too late for me which is something I feel I need to risk. I don’t want to loose her though she is very special to me. Im soooooo confused. The words of the song lovelockdown by kanyewest perfectly describe how I feel in our relationship.
