Final Steps in Moving On

Even now, 5 months after the breakup I still don't feel like I have closure. She was such a big part of my life and in the end we rushed things and there was just a lack of communication, or so I assume really. I posted the whole story somewhere on here, regardless of all the details of the story, I just struggle to find the inner peace I had closer to when we broke up. I think it is because everytime I had talked to her after, she gets all upset at me for not talking to her, when that is what she asked of me. She moved on completely, to my knowledge, and I am stuck here wallowing in my sorrow every other day. Although she is removed from my life as much as possible; she entered my work on the weekend and within minutes of spotting her I found myself in the back room breaking down. Once I regained my composure I returned to the floor to make sure she was gone. As much as I remove her from my life it is like I cannot totally escape from my pain, I know it will take time but this is just ridiculous.

I know deep down inside after all the pain she has caused me I could never be with her again, its just I long for how things were before. I guess I am writing this to try and seek advice in how to handle myself if I see her again, I obviously really want to avoid breaking down and having another anxiety attack like I did. Is there any advice anyone could offer? Or perhaps previous experiences that could perhaps assist me?

its weird but i haven't seen my ex since the break, tbh i don't know what to tell you. i longed to see him up until about a month or so ago which was 6 months after the break, maybe if you see her you should avoid her, that way you can get over her better. i don't know really

Well I avoid her as much as possible. She was in work cause she needed to buy something. I have even seen other people since and it really hasn't helped either.

Remind yourself that she is just another person. A flawed person at that. She has no sway over you.

But do the best you can not to see her again, or contact her in any way shape or form.

That is very simple and effective advice. Thank you, I will do my best to heed it and see where it takes me.

You're handling it very well Vain, its not a fun process but it is a necessary one in order to grow as a person.

Eliminating any shard of her in your life is the best thing you can do for yourself. You have to avoid the reminders, the places you use to go, the music you listened to for a while to actually recover. I use to think that it was me running from something I feared and I refused to do it, then I realized its just a change of pace for me, not a fear.

It took me a long time to really let go of her, she would always come around every month or so trying to contact me and it would just send me spiraling back into the same funk I was trying to get out of. I had to change routine to really get myself going. I started working out, eating healthy, hanging out with friends whenever possible, just anything to focus on. With time she faded, I work with her AND her new boyfriend and even then I managed to get past it. Let me tell you, I advise you NEVER date a co-worker, if you have morals and values it will come back to bite you.

I grieved for 4 or 5 months about her, then one day I realized that it wasn't bothering me like it use to. I wasn't waking up and thinking about what she was doing, I stopped hoping the text message I got was one from her or the phone call was her calling to tell me how shitty she was to me. I just accepted it was done and that I was still standing and proud of myself.

Now when I think about her, its the good memories that come first but I can quickly wipe them out by remembering all the shit she put me through with no regard for how I felt. I hold no grudges or regrets, I just simply don't care. I refuse to speak or even look at her, its a waste of my time and energy, theres too many important people in my life to expend any energy on her. When I walk by her or her boyfriend they just duck their heads or scurry away from me, I will never bow my head for something i did, I own up to it. Take pride in being the better person.

I have branched out and met a LOT of girls since her and i am slowly compiling a list of what I want in my wife someday down the road, but at the same time I am staying single because I have more fun. Just take it one step at a time, you WILL get over this and you WILL find someone who will move the world for you. Never give up and never stop searching until you are COMPLETELY satisfied. She was just another girl in a sea of wonderful people.

CBRider couldnt have said it any better!

It sounds like you have done all the right things so far and you need to keep it up. Like CB said, try to stay busy and keep her out of your head. Whatever you do stay focused and on the path to "recovery". I have made MANY mistakes in my path to "recovery" and it really does just push you back every time you do.
What helped me the most was getting out more and finding new amazing people to hang out with. I actually want to thank my ex for breaking up with me as it has opened my eyes to what I've been missing. My grades have picked up A LOT, I met tons of new people, and I'm constantly doing new things. You do the same! One day you will just wake up and realize that you are happy.
It is perfectly natural to have bad days especially when you see your ex, so dont think that you are different in any way or that you're not progressing, you just had a bad day. I understand your frustration about it taking a long time, I wish I could say that it will be all better in 1 month but it will take as long as it has to, but you can speed it along by doing things for yourself.

I was talking to someone today that just went through a breakup and she was saying that what she would get sad when she thought of all the good times they had together, then to get her mind back on track she would immediately think of all the bad things her ex did that ended up ruining the relationship. Try that.

I wish you the best of luck, and remember, you will get through this.

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Originally Posted by swargolet [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I actually want to thank my ex for breaking up with me as it has opened my eyes to what I've been missing.

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If I cared I would thank her, you real honestly have a MUCH greater appreciation once you have felt what its like to be under valued. I noticed that after the fact I look at who girls are as a person rather than what they look like physically.

Its a really good feeling in the end, everyone changes on the outside, the inside stays the same.

CB man you advice is awesome. I have literally been trying to do everything you stated you have done. Hearing your story is inspirational man, thank you. I can get rid of her impact completely of course, one of my courses her best friend and still sit beside each other and talk; not about her, but you know makes me think about her. Same university and I have to pass by her building on a weekly basis, the campus as a whole is winding halls and paths of memories, my favorite band became a soundtrack to the whole relationship; foo fighters were playing when everything really started, throughout and when eventually ended.

But as mentioned just distancing myself things have become easier. I take another longer way to my class, I try and keep to staying outside more then the halls and specific paths we used to travel, i slowly began listening to the foo fighters again. And you know the heartache is more or less gone. Yes, the right song or someone saying the wrong thing, or just a bad day will trigger it, or apparently just glancing her from a distance. Keeping busy is the best medicine. But I can definitely say with this whole thing it is so much easier then it was 3 months ago, even a week ago, the difference being minimal but still there regardless.

Thank you again for your story and advice.

yah! you should love again to forget your past. Its not easy at first place but step by step, you carry on it. just let go of your past.

I don't think entirely letting go of my past is necessary but rather just to learn from it. I have accepted everything it is just the odd day where I get a swarm of memories or someone mentions something that will trigger it. To let go of my past for me, it would mean it was nothing and so I hold on to what I feel is important in getting over her as well as setting myself up for the future.

It is good that you can see the how far you have come in the past 3 months. It sort of encourages you to keep doing what you are doing since you know it is working.
The way I view it is ya I have bad days or bad moments but in the beginning it was a constant bad day after bad day. It is almost to the point where every day I'm a little happier and I hope it is that way for you also.
Do you ever try to think of something else when those memories come swarming in? This may sound stupid but it works for me... When the memories of my ex start to swarm in I think about a new car I plan on getting this summer. it is just something to distract me, but since it is something I'm looking forward to, I enjoy thinking about it. Do you have something similar? I personally dont find it helpful to think about what she did to me or anythign like that because I often just make excuses for her of why she did what she did. It might be different with you. Just do what works best for you.
Have you tried to listen to more upbeat music? I dont know what type of music you enjoy but I found that a lot of basshunters music is very upbeat and happy although the lyrics are about relationships/girls.

Also you are completely right that you should learn from your past, you learn best from experience.

It looks like you are on the right path. Stay strong and try not to stray from this path of recovery.

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Originally Posted by Vain [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't think entirely letting go of my past is necessary but rather just to learn from it. I have accepted everything it is just the odd day where I get a swarm of memories or someone mentions something that will trigger it. To let go of my past for me, it would mean it was nothing and so I hold on to what I feel is important in getting over her as well as setting myself up for the future.

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As long as you walk away from it all learning something you have done fine. Its a painful process all in all, but you learn a lot from it all and become a better person.

I saw her a couple of weeks ago. Corner of my eye while I was at work. She came by to pick something up from the store. Anyway, for a brief moment i was fine until I just broke down into an anxiety attack. It was horrible. I felt like all this progress I have made is for nothing, like I have gone nowhere with myself in the past 5 months. I eventually calmed down after I went into the warehouse and took a breather and calmed myself down but this is just ridiculous. I can't control when I see her, even when I land a new job it only just reduces my chances of seeing her again not knock them out. I just guess it will take a lot more time then I had thought it originally would. I am literally terrified of seeing her. I find it odd that back in high school I could stand in front of an auditorium of 1000 giving a speech or telling terrible jokes and yet this one girl, this one measly girl can have such an impact on me; its incredible. Any advice on how I can perhaps control my anxiety if at all? Or at least dampen its significance.

swargolet

I do try to think of other things when thoughts of her come rushing in but my life is still swarmed every now and then. Rather then think of something else I just get down to something, keep my mind occupied. Now mostly I think of her and smile for what it was and what it used to be. Music wise.. around 18,000 songs, so I have a variety of music to sooth my soul or mind. And heard of them, never heard them I will check them out, thanks for that and the advice.

Cbrider

Your advice has been helpful and insightful at times, thank you very much.

Time, time, time, there unfortunately is no short cut through it. The fear you feel speaking to an audience and the fear you feel from someone who could harm you on a level deeper than any other person in the world is not even remotely similar. I never had panic attacks, but it was very stressful seeing my ex for a while after we split. Surprise meetings were always the worst, you have about 2 seconds to make a choice and act before you let on that its bothering you or before you fumble altogether.

You did what you ahd to do, if that means sitting down and taking a breather, than do it, its what YOU need.

What have you done since you broke with her, be specific. Have you gone out with friends regularly? Avoided potential places of contact with her? DATED anyone else since her?

Let me tell you, it was really hard to date after my ex, I felt like I would find no one better.....that lasted about 2 dates before a girl knocked my socks off. Since then its been effortless to see how much brighter a world without her is. As soon as you reach that point the anxiety will disappear completely. You will realize that while it was great being with her, in the end you lost NOTHING. You had a girlfriend, she wasn't the one for whatever reason, no harm done, she's gone.

What have you done?

Vain, one thing you need to remember is not to be too hard on yourself!! I think you're having these anxiety attacks because you see her, think "I'm over her", then realize you're not over her and get really angry at yourself for being weak or something like that. That was the hardest thing for me getting over this guy recently - I would think I was doing really well and suddenly I'd have this terrible day and think I'd taken 10 steps backwards. Having a bad day or a missing-her episode is ok, and it doesn't mean you're not making progress!

Also, this might seem kind of dumb, but I found it really helpful to sort of psychologically shift my reaction when I accidentally thought about him. So - when she suddenly pops into your mind, don't freak out or get angry at yourself, don't get frustrated. Just gently put those memories back in that chamber of your mind reserved for her, and gently lock it back up. Eventually you'll be able to think about her again without hurting and missing her, and then you can let those memories go. But right now you miss her and you don't want to give up your good times together - don't think that you have to completely forget her. At least not yet.

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What have you done since you broke with her, be specific. Have you gone out with friends regularly? Avoided potential places of contact with her? DATED anyone else since her?

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Gone out with friends regularly. Avoided all potential places of contact. Working on the last one, a friend of a friend may like me and she is kinda cute so we will see where it goes. Just getting to know her.

I woke up the other day and realized how stupid this all is. A mutual friend told me she is back with her ex Kyle. I was taken back by this when I found out but I realized I don't care. I can't afford to care. It was bringing me down way to much. I'm sure I am not entirely over her, but I feel a lot more confident then I had before.

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Originally Posted by Vain [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Gone out with friends regularly. Avoided all potential places of contact. Working on the last one, a friend of a friend may like me and she is kinda cute so we will see where it goes. Just getting to know her.

I woke up the other day and realized how stupid this all is. A mutual friend told me she is back with her ex Kyle. I was taken back by this when I found out but I realized I don't care. I can't afford to care. It was bringing me down way to much. I'm sure I am not entirely over her, but I feel a lot more confident then I had before.

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Take it one step at a time, its a painful but necessary process. The fact that she got back with her ex seals your story. It may hurt or make you angry at this point, but it closes a chapter of your life that you can just write off as an unpleasant learning experience. In the end, her doing that will actually make it easier to forget about her, sounds funny but trust me on that one.

Remember one thing about dating that I kind of over looked. Dating is casual, it doesn't mean anything really and doesn't have to turn into a relationship. Get out there and kind of play the field in a non whore way. You need to figure out what you like and don't like in a potential partner. Don't be shy, girls love a guy who is assertive and confident. Its easier after being emotionally beaten down, you forget insecurities and just put yourself out there.

You've conquered the hardest stage, now its just a matter of getting back in your groove!

Well her getting back with her ex isn't necessarily true. Just one of those heard through the grapevine tales. Regardless, it doesn't anger me in the least which I guess is just a sign of being over her more or less. I suppose the anxiety is more stemming from the pain she put me through. So it may take longer then that to vanish entirely. I'm confident but definitely could be more assertive haha. Thanks for your advice one again.