Our libidos are out of sync and...

It's really starting to irk the heck out of me.

So here's the scenario...

I'm watching the tube, I'm tired, I'm sore (ran a 5K in the AM), and my gf announces she's going to bed...she has to get up early in the morning. I thought, great, sounds like a good idea, but I wasn't ready for bed. So you jumps on my lap and says, "are you coming with me?" I said, "but it's only 8." She, acting normal at this point, gathers her things, watches the prelude to the show I'm watching and heads off to bed.

30 minutes later I go to bed too. At this point she's working on her computer, and minutes after I arrive she leaves to go back downstairs to work on her computer more. So I read a book. 10 minutes later she comes back up, I stop reading, and turn out the lights.

She tosses and turns, as if she's uncomfortable. Nothing new to me, we need a new bed, and I thought she was having a hard time sleeping. So she goes back downstairs and I don't even question it. Been through this many times before.

In the quiet I hear her weeping. "What the f' did I do now?" I'm completely confused with this drama. So I go down and ask, "why are you downstairs?" "I didn't want to bother you", she says. I then ask, "what's wrong?" Silence.

"Nevermind" I say, and go back to bed. I don't play games, and I think it's rude to make your partner guess. So I went back to bed.

She comes back up and says, "the reason I'm upset is because I feel rejected. Okay?" I say no, and said nothing more. She slept on the couch the rest of the night. I'm not exactly thrilled with her behavior and I can't say I enjoyed mine, but I'm completely lost (obvious eh?).

From my POV I think this is a bunch of crap...a bunch of drama over nothing. My gf is obviously way more sensitive than I can sense, and I feel as though this is a lose, lose situation for me. So what the heck am I suppose to do?

If I'm not in the mood (even when I tell her so), she gets upset. If I give in to her mood, my performance is lack luster, and she gets upset.

I guess I need to start faking it? Avoid the eggshells?

Thanks for allowing me to vent.

To clarify things, were you (or were you not) aware she was throwing herself at you when she hopped in your lap?

So this might be a really obvious question, but have you tried having a discussion about this with her? A calm, rational, adult discussion and not a fight mind you.

The longer you both wait to talk about this, the worse off your relationship's going to be.

Aware of her intentions, but fully unaware that this was one of those moments she was fragile.

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Originally Posted by starbuck [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So this might be a really obvious question, but have you tried having a discussion about this with her? A calm, rational, adult discussion and not a fight mind you.

The longer you both wait to talk about this, the worse off your relationship's going to be.

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Oh, we've talked about it rationally, we usually come to an understanding, things go well for a period, and then this...out of the blue.

Most people are sensitive when being turned down. Do you regularly ignore her advances, or was this an unusual event?

I mean, do you (objectively) have a libido problem?

I begin acting that way when it becomes a pattern. If I notice you start rejecting me, I begin to think it's a problem with me. I begin to think you are no longer enjoying our sex, and the worst comes to mind(you finding someone else). Maybe this is what your girlfriend thinks, and based on your post, it seems that way.

I think the answer to Vash's question is definitely needed.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Most people are sensitive when being turned down. Do you regularly ignore her advances, or was this an unusual event?

I mean, do you (objectively) have a libido problem?

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About 1 out of 5 are ignored. She's fully aware my libido is not as high as hers. I would not say I have a libido problem...only to her.

Well, I would say that if she considers it a problem, then it IS a problem, even if another girl would be okay with your sex drive.

In any case, I think you would be wise to consider ANY time a girl throws herself at you to be a potentially fragile time for her if you are turning her down. Women tie a lot of their self-esteem into their men wanting them.

she wanted sex and you didn't, it's gotta hurt to be rejected, i know i would feel like shit if i was ignored like you ignored her

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Originally Posted by ecojeanne [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

she wanted sex and you didn't, it's gotta hurt to be rejected, i know i would feel like shit if i was ignored like you ignored her

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So what exactly am I suppose to do when I'm not in the mood? If I ignore you, you get upset. If I tell you I'm not in the mood, you get upset. How exactly can this be made into a win-win? At what point are you suppose to acknowledge how I'm feeling? After sex?

You sound defensive. How often is she wanting sex, and how often are you?

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

In any case, I think you would be wise to consider ANY time a girl throws herself at you to be a potentially fragile time for her if you are turning her down. Women tie a lot of their self-esteem into their men wanting them.

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Oh I want her, and I think I do a fair job at getting that message to her, just not on her schedule it seems. It would seem that if it's a self esteem issue, that would need to be addressed before taking on a relationship, no? Isn't self esteem one of those things you need to do for yourself? I have no problem telling her and showing her that I love her, but for goodness sakes, can't I be human too? Without it being a drama circus?

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You sound defensive. How often is she wanting sex, and how often are you?

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I'm upset. I don't appreciate being blindsided by the people I love. I don't get it. That's why I'm defensive. No one has been able to explain it to me logically. In a minute I'm sure you all will turn me into another male pig when that would be furthest from the truth. I already see it happening. It just seems weird someone would forget all the other times they weren't denied sex, and then the one time they are, suddenly it's a rejection, it's a pattern to destruction, it's omg he's cheating on me, I'm too fat. Give me a frigg'n break. I think I need an "off duty" shirt or something.

She wants sex all the time. I want sex all the time too, just not at the same time she does.

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Originally Posted by Rico Bravo [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh I want her, and I think I do a fair job at getting that message to her, just not on her schedule it seems. It would seem that if it's a self esteem issue, that would need to be addressed before taking on a relationship, no? Isn't self esteem one of those things you need to do for yourself? I have no problem telling her and showing her that I love her, but for goodness sakes, can't I be human too? Without it being a drama circus?

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A perceived rejection by the person you love, can be pretty tough to swallow. Even someone with healthy self esteem could feel hurt by this. You just might need to work extra hard to reassure her that your tiredness has nothing to do with her desirability to you. At the same time, she needs to realize that you're not a sex machine and perhaps she's too caught up in her own hurt to see that maybe her timing sucks (like when she came onto you after you ran a marathon).

As Vashti mentioned, you sound a little bit defensive and sort of unwilling to see her hurt feelings as anything more than drama. She's also allowed to be human and have feelings, too. My bf would have never allowed me to sleep on the couch without a good effort to try and make me feel better and come back to bed. Could you have handled things differently?

How old are you both?

I know where you're coming from. The relationship I'm in now started as me wanting sex more than here. After a few weeks when she began to want it more than me. It got to the point to where she would want it time after time after time in the same day. After sex she would jump me again trying for more. When I turned her down because I just needed a break she acted a little hurt, though she says she was joking. She said, "I never had a guy complain before."

She doesn't, however, cry about it. That's where I would have issues. I can't have sex all the time. I have other things to do. If she got that upset then we would have to have a serious talk. **** rejection. **** insecurities. Why is it that women can turn a guy down but a guy can't turn a woman down?

To be honest, the fact that you are so angry about this makes me wonder if it happens more regularly than you say.

How often does she turn you down?

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Originally Posted by starbuck [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You just might need to work extra hard to reassure her that your tiredness has nothing to do with her desirability to you.

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Again! :mad:

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As Vashti mentioned, you sound a little bit defensive and sort of unwilling to see her hurt feelings as anything more than drama.

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Better here than at home.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

To be honest, the fact that you are so angry about this makes me wonder if it happens more regularly than you say.

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It's been months. I don't know what regular is, but that's not it. I'm also NOT angry. I'm upset...and with her, I like to keep my mouth closed so it doesn't blow up into anger. I'm always available to talk to her, I just need it to be clearly communicated. I don't play these I'm upset at you now games, now you have to find out why. She knows this, and she knows I won't play fair. We've been all through this, I don't know how to get through to her, and I'm sure this is the answer I'm looking for.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

How often does she turn you down?

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I don't keep track. A hand full of times? Maybe I have a better sense of space. You know how I deal with it though? I jump on my bike and go for a ride. By the time I come back I'm too tired to dwell on it. I'm peaceful like that.

Buy her a vibrator for her birthday.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Buy her a vibrator for her birthday.

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Do they have any that will talk to me when she's upset?

Haha, Giga. I was actually thinking the same thing, but just didn't say it.

Look Rico, no one here thinks you're a pig or a bad guy. But you seem to have more of a problem with the way your girlfriend acts over this, rather than the fact that she wants sex more than you.

You want her to go ride a bike and exercise out her feelings when she's hurt or angry? That's not her way of dealing with things it's YOURS. Deal with her the way she is. Hemming and hawing about how unfair it is that she acts this way is not going to solve your problem.

Rational talking and reassurance is a better route.

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Originally Posted by starbuck [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Look Rico, no one here thinks you're a pig or a bad guy. But you seem to have more of a problem with the way your girlfriend acts over this, rather than the fact that she wants sex more than you.

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Well, I'm glad I made that much obvious.

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You want her to go ride a bike and exercise out her feelings when she's hurt or angry? That's not her way of dealing with things it's YOURS. Deal with her the way she is. Hemming and hawing about how unfair it is that she acts this way is not going to solve your problem.

Rational talking and reassurance is a better route.

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I'm not sure how you would conclude that I want her to go ride a bike. I thought I made my self clear that I don't want to be left out in the dark with her feelings. I mean seriously, if your SO withheld that info from you, to guess later, you wouldn't be upset?

It's elementary psychology. If I communicated to my dog that I appreciated her sit an hour and half latter, how likely is my dog going to repeat the behavior? Not likely. How likely am I going to be sensitive to my gf's feelings if I'm finding out about it an hour and half later? Not likely if we gone through all this already.

Call me oblivious, just don't call me impossible. I'm really not. I know I'll be able to talk rationally about it...she's likely to take it as lack of emotion. I know I'll be able to reassure her that I'm good with her...but that's not the problem, is it?

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Originally Posted by Rico Bravo [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm not sure how you would conclude that I want her to go ride a bike. I thought I made my self clear that I don't want to be left out in the dark with her feelings.

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I think the message we are trying to send is that you should anticipate that if she throws herself at you, she will be hurt if you reject her. It's just a girl thing.

We don't necessarily understand why you guys react some of the ways you do, but we still have to accept it as fact if we want peace in the home, ya know?

The reason why "girls can reject guys, but guy can't reject girls" (albeit a little hypocritical) is simple darwinism of the species: men make the moves and women have the final say.

So when a woman makes the moves, i.e. she thinks she is safe to not be rejected, and is rejected, it's hard. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. But men are scorned almost daily.

How often do you initiate sex? If you turn her down how gentle are you? is there room for compromise like, "Babe, I'm not up for it right now, but how about a good make-out and I'll eat you out/finger you?" You know... maybe you don't need your O but she does.

Maybe you guys just aren't well suited. Sex is an important dynamic in a relationship and if it goes away the relationship isn't likely to last much longer.

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Originally Posted by Rico Bravo [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, I'm glad I made that much obvious.


I'm not sure how you would conclude that I want her to go ride a bike. I thought I made my self clear that I don't want to be left out in the dark with her feelings. I mean seriously, if your SO withheld that info from you, to guess later, you wouldn't be upset?

It's elementary psychology. If I communicated to my dog that I appreciated her sit an hour and half latter, how likely is my dog going to repeat the behavior? Not likely. How likely am I going to be sensitive to my gf's feelings if I'm finding out about it an hour and half later? Not likely if we gone through all this already.

Call me oblivious, just don't call me impossible. I'm really not. I know I'll be able to talk rationally about it...she's likely to take it as lack of emotion. I know I'll be able to reassure her that I'm good with her...but that's not the problem, is it?

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First off, your your gf isn't a dog or a child who needs to be taught the right and wrong way. I have a feeling that you probably know when she's hurt, but don't go to her because you want to wait and see if she comes to you. You're not a dumb bunny. You KNOW exactly why she's acting the way she's acting, especially since this has happened multiple times.

That's just as passive aggressive as her behavior IMO. Why wait for her to come to you? Why not just say, "Look I know you're why you're crying, let's talk about this?" Maybe you enjoy the drama, too.

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Originally Posted by Rollerderby [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So when a woman makes the moves, i.e. she thinks she is safe to not be rejected, and is rejected, it's hard. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. But men are scorned almost daily.

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This I can relate to. Thank you.

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How often do you initiate sex? If you turn her down how gentle are you? is there room for compromise like, "Babe, I'm not up for it right now, but how about a good make-out and I'll eat you out/finger you?" You know... maybe you don't need your O but she does.

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I'd say (she's likely to disagree) I initiate at least half the time. I like to think I'm very gentle turning her down. She'll throw some sort of fit, regardless. Most if the time I think she's just being playful. I don't know what to think now.

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Maybe you guys just aren't well suited. Sex is an important dynamic in a relationship and if it goes away the relationship isn't likely to last much longer.

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It hasn't gone away. In fact, I'd say it's better now than it ever has been. I don't even want to think of not being suited.

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Originally Posted by starbuck [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

First off, your your gf isn't a dog or a child who needs to be taught the right and wrong way.

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Sorry, the laws of psychology are fundamental across all species. It isn't about right from wrong as it is how we learn.

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I have a feeling that you probably know when she's hurt, but don't go to her because you want to wait and see if she comes to you. You're not a dumb bunny. You KNOW exactly why she's acting the way she's acting, especially since this has happened multiple times.

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I understand you don't know me, but you're absolutely wrong. If I could have identified it then I would cherish the opportunity to fix it then.

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That's just as passive aggressive as her behavior IMO. Why wait for her to come to you? Why not just say, "Look I know you're why you're crying, let's talk about this?" Maybe you enjoy the drama, too.

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What's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different outcome. I've tried that, many times, we get resolve, and bam, here we go again. F' the drama, it's a complete turn off.

Maybe you can counter act this by initiating more often.

You know... throw her down on the kitchen table after dinner when she least expects it. And do that once a week or so (or more). Give her some passion that she can't write home about. ;-)

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Originally Posted by Rollerderby [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Maybe you can counter act this by initiating more often.

You know... throw her down on the kitchen table after dinner when she least expects it. And do that once a week or so (or more). Give her some passion that she can't write home about. ;-)

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I like it. Maybe I am too sensitive to space. So what if she has a final exam to study for...it can wait.

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Originally Posted by Rico Bravo [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I like it. Maybe I am too sensitive to space. So what if she has a final exam to study for...it can wait.

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Now you're getting the idea

Hi Rico,
I understand how you both feel as I've been in both positions at different times! Maybe now would be a good time to buy her a rabbit vibrator from a good online sex shop like shop-sexy.co.uk. The rabbit vibrator truly is a woman's best friend and maybe the thought of her using it upstairs in your bedroom will turn you on enough to go and join in!
Good luck
The Sex Kitten

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Do they have any that will talk to me when she's upset?

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Pleasure her with that vibrator and she won't be upset as often.

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Originally Posted by Rollerderby [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

throw her down on the kitchen table after dinner when she least expects it.

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that just turned me on, i got a mental image of being thrown wow nice! i wish all men would do that as just being part of the relationship, why are men such pussies? give me a strong man who throws me around the place anyday

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that just turned me on, i got a mental image of being thrown wow nice! i wish all men would do that as just being part of the relationship, why are men such pussies?

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I always got, "stop, I'm not in the mood", when I did that. Where are the women that get turned on by that kind of behavior?

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Originally Posted by padlock [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I always got, "stop, I'm not in the mood", when I did that. Where are the women that get turned on by that kind of behavior?

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i'm here i'm here! hehe tut i wish all men were like you, and to add to the mental fantasy, throwing all the dishes off the table beforehand and then throw me down, i think i just had an orgasm

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to add to the mental fantasy, throwing all the dishes off the table beforehand and then throw me down, i think i just had an orgasm

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Well, I'm certainly impressed.

I wish guys I date would do that more often too. Maybe ecojeanne and I are in the minority.

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Originally Posted by ecojeanne [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

that just turned me on, i got a mental image of being thrown wow nice! i wish all men would do that as just being part of the relationship, why are men such pussies? give me a strong man who throws me around the place anyday

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Heh.

I remember the first time I pushed my girl up against the wall. I grabbed her wrists and held them over her head against the wall. Then I kissed her.

I don't think she's ever gotten so wet so fast.