Seeing my ex for the first time since the breakup

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16-05-09, 07:16 AM
and_for_what

Seeing my ex for the first time since the breakup

Hey everyone! Some of you might remember me and my sad-sack bullshit around January this year after my girlfriend left me for another man (who broke up with her after a couple of months).

Well, I cut contact with her in late January and until thisevening I had communicated not a single word to her. Her and I are both musicians and we played together sometimes. She had kind of stopped doing that stuff, after we broke up, but she's needed in a band with me in a few days, and so we are going to meet again.

It seems like another life, all that stuff. That was winter, this is summer. I'm pretty happy with stuff these days, and I have a whole new life really. The last few months have been pretty cool, and I haven't wanted to see her.

I admit, though, I feel a certain anxiety about meeting her, and I am really tempted to send her a message cancelling the whole thing. We could manage without her and currently only I know she's coming, so I could stop it easily.

But on the other hand, hopefully if I meet her I can turn the final page of this book and then close it. I don't like feeling scared of seeing her, and this anxious about it. In fact, I'm only scared of myself. Basically, though I feel fine with things to myself, how do I know what seeing her again will be like? What if it brings up all kinds of awful feelings again?
That's the gamble, I guess. Seeing her could put things to bed, or it could potentially throw everything up in the air again.

I talked briefly with her on an instant messenger thisevening, which was our first contact in four months, and it went ok. I didn't feel weird about it. But I am pretty nervous about seeing her.

I don't have any questions in particular, but wanted to post about it to see if anyone would have any tips I might not have thought about.
I will try to speak to her as little as possible (though I won't be able to avoid her, not at all), and only about "business".

So... I don't know. We could manage this event without her, and things would go on as normal, and maybe I'd bump into her in another 4 months, or in several years' time. Or maybe I should take this opportunity to see her, and get it over and done with.... ?

I have 20 hours to make a decision.

halp!
16-05-09, 07:29 AM
NBT

Well, the BAD news is, you're in a tough spot. The GOOD news is, you have ME online to HELP you with it. So let's get down to business:

Question #1: Do you care what she thinks of you, or your current life?

Question #2: Do you care if she thinks you're "over" her or not?

Question #3: Do you want her to REGRET breaking up with you, and want you back?

BE HONEST with me. Once you are, I can examine your situation a little more thoroughly.
16-05-09, 11:30 AM
trisha

just cross the bridge when you get there
16-05-09, 07:11 PM
and_for_what

Quote:

Originally Posted by NBT [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, the BAD news is, you're in a tough spot. The GOOD news is, you have ME online to HELP you with it. So let's get down to business:

Question #1: Do you care what she thinks of you, or your current life?

Yes, unfortunately I tend to care what anyone thinks of me.

Question #2: Do you care if she thinks you're "over" her or not?

Yes, I hope she thinks I am.

Question #3: Do you want her to REGRET breaking up with you, and want you back?

Sadly, yes - everyone wants to be wanted, and I would feel good from knowing she regretted breaking up with me. But since I don't want to be back with her, then under that initial reaction, no - I don't really care.
I know withh 100% certainty she has no regrets, however, and wouldn't ever want me back. I have my sources.

BE HONEST with me. Once you are, I can examine your situation a little more thoroughly.

All the "wrong" answers, but there we are.

Quote:

Originally Posted by trisha [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

just cross the bridge when you get there

I can avoid the bridge completely, though, if I want to.
16-05-09, 07:37 PM
starbuck

Quote:

Originally Posted by and_for_what [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't have any questions in particular, but wanted to post about it to see if anyone would have any tips I might not have thought about.
I will try to speak to her as little as possible (though I won't be able to avoid her, not at all), and only about "business".

I honestly think that this is your best solution here. Just play the gig with her and be cordial, but not overly-friendly. Sure, at times it might be uncomfortable or weird for you, but cancelling the gig or her part in it, might create more drama than it's worth at this point (you'll have to tell your bandmates, right?) and it also might give her the impression that you're still hung up on her.

Show her that you're over her by making the whole thing just a nonchalant business-as-usual experience. It could be a positive, empowering experience for you to master your own emotions.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes.
16-05-09, 08:39 PM
and_for_what

Quote:

Originally Posted by starbuck [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I honestly think that this is your best solution here. Just play the gig with her and be cordial, but not overly-friendly. Sure, at times it might be uncomfortable or weird for you, but cancelling the gig or her part in it, might create more drama than it's worth at this point (you'll have to tell your bandmates, right?) and it also might give her the impression that you're still hung up on her.

Show her that you're over her by making the whole thing just a nonchalant business-as-usual experience. It could be a positive, empowering experience for you to master your own emotions.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

That seems valid.

No, I wouldn't have to tell the other people that she wasn't coming any more. Basically I called on her because some other people pulled out at the last minute, and I could just as easily say to her now that we have other replacements. I haven't told the others that she's coming yet.

Annoyingly, it's a bit more complicated now. Well, not complicated, but "bigger", anyway. Basically her car is out of action, there's no busses to where she needs to go, and so she says she'll cycle it. It's only 7 miles but she's not a strong or confident cyclist, and she asked if I'd ride with her. I cycle everywhere and was used to "escorting" her on our bikes back when we were together, but it's not something I'm looking forward to. It will be tiring for her, and she'll probably get angry along with it, and it will be frustrating for me to ride so slowly on a route that I usually take very quickly. Plus it just means an extra hour or so either side where we have to be alone together. Additionally, that kind of thing (i.e. riding with her, basically looking after her for the journey) is quite a friendly and caring kind of thing to do, and I don't know how appropriate it is, nor do I know how it might make me feel.

There *might* be a bus she could get, plus some walking, so I could advise her to go with that option, but I'm not sure.

eh, I'll see what I think in a few hours, I guess.
16-05-09, 08:48 PM
lovesjoyajm

Yuck.

Maybe now would be a good time to tell her that you have found a replacement and don't need her, and that she doesn't have to go through the hassle of riding.

Personally, I think riding with her is a bit much. Of course, you would know when you saw her whether it was ok for you, and if you could be in control of your emotions, but it sounds scary.

Anyway, it sounds like you've done a good job of "putting it to bed" WITHOUT seeing her. I've felt the same way, that maybe seeing someone again would help, but it rarely has helped.
18-05-09, 08:38 PM
and_for_what

Hi everyone. Well, the day was pretty good in the end. I am really happy with how I felt towards her.

I had her get the bus so I didn't have to cycle with her. We chatted about random stuff, nothing to do with "us" or even close to it. Unsurprisingly we are still two people who can converse smoothly with each other.
I was feeling happy that I didn't have any unwanted emotions or anything, so I decided to hang around with her for the rest of the day. She asked a lot of questions about what I was doing - I didn't answer very much, but gave her a general idea.
It was just friendly and easy, but I felt no particular affection beyond that. While looking at her I tried to imagine hugging her or being intimate at all, and felt positively repulsed by the idea.

We went back to her house, and I saw her mother again. I mentioned elsewhere, I think, that her mother really, really likes me - and I her! She's great. So that was nice. Then we just messed around doing some music stuff. She was being a bit too close to me quite often, so I had to keep moving away. I think she expected a hug or something.
As the evening wore on she became more adventurous with her questions, and asked if I was seeing someone. I declined to comment again. She'd been hinting all day at the fact that she was single again (I already knew, ages ago, but she probably wouldn't have realised that), and eventually mentioned it explicitly (as part of another topic, kind of). I didn't cooperate with any of those conversation attempts, and kept pretty quiet when she tried to talk about that kind of stuff. I was really uninterested to do so.

I refused her attempts to hug me when I left, of course.

All in all, a very nice day, I had a lot of fun seeing her again, and she enjoyed it to. But most of all it was great because through the day I felt persistently unattracted to her.

I don't know if I'll bother to see her again any time soon. I don't expect that I'll suggest it, in any case.

Thanks for the help
18-05-09, 10:37 PM
Juristhea

Quote:

Originally Posted by and_for_what [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hi everyone. Well, the day was pretty good in the end. I am really happy with how I felt towards her.

I had her get the bus so I didn't have to cycle with her. We chatted about random stuff, nothing to do with "us" or even close to it. Unsurprisingly we are still two people who can converse smoothly with each other.
I was feeling happy that I didn't have any unwanted emotions or anything, so I decided to hang around with her for the rest of the day. She asked a lot of questions about what I was doing - I didn't answer very much, but gave her a general idea.
It was just friendly and easy, but I felt no particular affection beyond that. While looking at her I tried to imagine hugging her or being intimate at all, and felt positively repulsed by the idea.

We went back to her house, and I saw her mother again. I mentioned elsewhere, I think, that her mother really, really likes me - and I her! She's great. So that was nice. Then we just messed around doing some music stuff. She was being a bit too close to me quite often, so I had to keep moving away. I think she expected a hug or something.
As the evening wore on she became more adventurous with her questions, and asked if I was seeing someone. I declined to comment again. She'd been hinting all day at the fact that she was single again (I already knew, ages ago, but she probably wouldn't have realised that), and eventually mentioned it explicitly (as part of another topic, kind of). I didn't cooperate with any of those conversation attempts, and kept pretty quiet when she tried to talk about that kind of stuff. I was really uninterested to do so.

I refused her attempts to hug me when I left, of course.

All in all, a very nice day, I had a lot of fun seeing her again, and she enjoyed it to. But most of all it was great because through the day I felt persistently unattracted to her.

I don't know if I'll bother to see her again any time soon. I don't expect that I'll suggest it, in any case.

Thanks for the help

This is a good sign. Being friends with your ex without the awkward moments is good.

This also shows that you have moved on from the break up and so did your ex. Like I tell most of my friends and heck even students, only time will tell. But then again, it never hurts to dating again.

Cheers!
19-05-09, 04:00 PM
NBT

Quote:

Originally Posted by and_for_what [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hi everyone. Well, the day was pretty good in the end. I am really happy with how I felt towards her.

I had her get the bus so I didn't have to cycle with her. We chatted about random stuff, nothing to do with "us" or even close to it. Unsurprisingly we are still two people who can converse smoothly with each other.
I was feeling happy that I didn't have any unwanted emotions or anything, so I decided to hang around with her for the rest of the day. She asked a lot of questions about what I was doing - I didn't answer very much, but gave her a general idea.
It was just friendly and easy, but I felt no particular affection beyond that. While looking at her I tried to imagine hugging her or being intimate at all, and felt positively repulsed by the idea.

We went back to her house, and I saw her mother again. I mentioned elsewhere, I think, that her mother really, really likes me - and I her! She's great. So that was nice. Then we just messed around doing some music stuff. She was being a bit too close to me quite often, so I had to keep moving away. I think she expected a hug or something.
As the evening wore on she became more adventurous with her questions, and asked if I was seeing someone. I declined to comment again. She'd been hinting all day at the fact that she was single again (I already knew, ages ago, but she probably wouldn't have realised that), and eventually mentioned it explicitly (as part of another topic, kind of). I didn't cooperate with any of those conversation attempts, and kept pretty quiet when she tried to talk about that kind of stuff. I was really uninterested to do so.

I refused her attempts to hug me when I left, of course.

All in all, a very nice day, I had a lot of fun seeing her again, and she enjoyed it to. But most of all it was great because through the day I felt persistently unattracted to her.

I don't know if I'll bother to see her again any time soon. I don't expect that I'll suggest it, in any case.

Thanks for the help

Great. You did exactly what you needed to do, if your goal was to let her think that you are OVER her. In fact, if I didn't KNOW any better, I'd say you really ARE (and you might BE) So good work.
19-05-09, 04:04 PM
NBT

Quote:

Originally Posted by Juristhea [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This is a good sign. Being friends with your ex without the awkward moments is good.

This also shows that you have moved on from the break up and so did your ex. Like I tell most of my friends and heck even students, only time will tell. But then again, it never hurts to dating again.

Cheers!

According to his SOURCES, yeah.

But according to his STORY, not quite.

I think he played it just right, though.

This is the same girl who broke up with him for another guy. Now she wants to know how he's doing, if he's dating, telling him she's single, etc. Hoping it'll get a reaction out of him. But he wasn't taking the bait. He wasn't interested. So I commend him for that.
19-05-09, 06:33 PM
and_for_what

Quote:

Originally Posted by NBT [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

According to his SOURCES, yeah.

But according to his STORY, not quite.

I think he played it just right, though.

This is the same girl who broke up with him for another guy. Now she wants to know how he's doing, if he's dating, telling him she's single, etc. Hoping it'll get a reaction out of him. But he wasn't taking the bait. He wasn't interested. So I commend him for that.

Yea - basically I reckon she was just trying to see how I'd react. I don't think that she has any honest interest in being with me again, but just wanted to see if I was still there waiting for her. Plus she's still sad about the other guy (who she really liked) breaking up with her, and her seeking comfort from me is not surprising.

Remember that the last time we had spoken was mid-January, and at that time I'd have done anything just to see her for a few minutes. She had been almost completely unaware of my "new life" in the intervening period, so would have naturally wondered if I was still in that kind of state.

Thanks for the replies, everyone
19-05-09, 08:51 PM
Volk

May I ask; why don't you want her back?
19-05-09, 10:29 PM
and_for_what

Quote:

Originally Posted by Volk [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

May I ask; why don't you want her back?

Well, two wide reasons I guess.

Firstly, she never really liked me all that much. Certainly never "loved" me. Her and I discussed it at length, before and after the breakup, and she reports never having felt strong feelings towards anyone, except her older sister when she was younger. Even her family today, she really doesn't feel that caring loyalty towards.

To clarify - she thinks everything about me is great, I know - and she's physically attracted to me a great deal. But she just doesn't feel a strong enough abstract emotion to along with it.

That was never too much of a problem, because I adored everything else about her character, though it did sometimes get me down that my affections were never really returned. And you can appreciate that this emotional position of hers manifested in all kinds of ways in the relationship.

Since leaving her I've made an effort to meet other people and get to know other girls. Her and I were each other's very first partner, and we were together for over two years, and so I had no idea who else was out there, and it has been shocking to suddenly feel affection returned. It's hard to explain, but I enjoy it.

Leading on from that point, I never required her to "love" me, but I did require loyalty and fidelity. I was exceptionally good to her, and felt overwhelming vicarious pride in her acheivements and just in her being who she was. Her deciding to swap me for someone else was very difficult to stomach, and it was pretty rough. Though I don't dislike her any more, and certainly don't hate her for what she did (it had to be done, I guess), because of all that unpleasant January/February time I feel almost no continuing "responsibility" for her, the care I used to have. It doesn't seem like my place any more - she's got other people for that now.
That last paragraph makes less sense... it's basically just that she's kind of not the same person now, I see her quite differently, and the fundamental attraction is gone.

I love many, many things about her. I like her house, her family, her job, as well as many of her personality traits and such - but, I just don't "love" her any more. And I don't feel like I want to be close to her in any way. *shrug*

I expect she'll be a model against which I compare women I meet in the future, but it would take a whole lot of work on my part to ever feel for her again.
19-05-09, 10:50 PM
dawood68

try to let her back
20-05-09, 01:14 AM
and_for_what

Quote:

Originally Posted by dawood68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

try to let her back

Neither of us want to be back with the other. If we did decide to "try again" then it would fail in much the same way as before, because she just doesn't feel strongly enough towards me. Two years is probably long enough to see if she's going to really, really like me, and she didn't. There's really no point!
20-05-09, 06:51 AM
Volk

"She was being a bit too close to me quite often, so I had to keep moving away. I think she expected a hug or something."

"Neither of us want to be back with the other."
Neither?
20-05-09, 07:26 AM
and_for_what

Quote:

Originally Posted by Volk [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

"She was being a bit too close to me quite often, so I had to keep moving away. I think she expected a hug or something."

"Neither of us want to be back with the other."
Neither?

Yep, I think she was just wondering how I'd react. Plus she was always a huggy physical kind of person, and would have wanted a cuddle from anyone she was comfortable with, I imagine. See post #12:

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/452612-post12.html[/url]