I don't think I'm looking for advice or how to solve this ... it feels hopeless. I need to know I'm not crazy. This is the deepest relationship I've ever had and the only one in years.
I've been in love with a guy for coming up on four years soon ...we live 90 minutes away, previously he was a neighbor before our move. He calls me every night and I adore/need to hear from him .. He's NOT a player ... he's hard working guy in his mid 30's, very funny, ... comedian type ... doesn't party, a homebody like me ... not a womanizer ... in fact I'm the only serious relationship he's ever had. He's seen me through a lot of bad .. helped me through a lot in the past, financially and otherwise. I stayed with him a month nine months ago ... he took care of me for my surgery and was very sad when I left ... intensely sad and depressed for several weeks ... I've spent the last nine months going through a lot of problems. I've needed him a lot and missed him. When I bring it up and say I miss him he just teasingly says "oh brother" and cuts me off. It hurts my heart very bad but if I say it does he says I'm hurting him or just dismisses me like it's annoying that I miss him.
I had an opportunity come up for my online school to attend the actual school for two weeks this summer, which is near him. It's been the ONE really positive thing going on for me ... anyway so a few weeks ago I asked him if I could stay with him and .... he said no .. it would be too hard with my kids (even though I had told him my sister offered to let them stay there as before) and my mom (who's already a problem everyday as it is). I got so hurt, I got off the phone quickly and it felt like my entire finally happy world came tumbling down. I'd have to rent a hotel near that school and can't afford that .. and I've been missing him deeply ... I tell him this and he just dismisses it like it's trivial. Not in an angry way but more or less in a "let's laugh about this instead" way. It's just not funny to me.
The only time a month ago he had asked if I would come down (before my school thing) was to take care of him when he has oral surgery. Since the night my heart got shattered with his answer .. I've kept a lot in cuz it's just not discussed. Last night he tells me his surgery is scheduled for Thursday ... and my heart sank to my feet. His friend will be driving him and tending to him. I got so hurt that I told him I can't keep loving him .. that there's NO point loving him if even 9 months later I'm not "allowed" to see him. He tells me I'm hurting him. I only wanted to love him ... share life with him ... and this is btw ... just once every month or so. That's ALL I asked ... ever ... not to live with him or marry him ... just to spend some time together once in a while ... he says I hurt him. I'm the one rejected and banished from his life ... how can *I* be hurting him?
It's so hard to describe this relationship. From the outside it looks like he's just nothing but mean ... I wish that were the case cuz this would be easier ... He's just not like any other guy I've ever met ... There is this bond between us that defies logic at times ... And I know I'm gonna sound weak when I say "he doesn't mean it" ... he seriously does NOT see this at all as him hurting me ... In all other ways I'm a very strong willed feisty person ... He's close to my girls (10 and 18) but not in a father way, which is fine by me and them too. I've raised them on my own and they both appreciate that ... wouldn't know what to do with a father. They love him but in their own way. So none of this is about us being some happy family all together. That's not what they want and not what I want, so I wanted to make that part clear. I literally only wanted to see him sometimes. That's ALL.
Example of how much he doesn't see this ... The other day he was very compassionate about things going on here (with my verbally abusive mother we ended up with after I lost my job and dealt with the onset of a medical problem 2 years ago) ... He was upset that I was in pain and asking me how bad my mom was being. He then said "You need to get out of there ... even if you take your kids to your sister's and you go to a homeless shelter." ... I'll add no more than that ... don't wanna lead anybody. He MEANT it kindly in his head but to me it's like an elephant in your living room to not see how that would be perceived ...
He does NOT see this. at ALL. To me this is like the most obvious thing in the world but I feel like it must be me. Please tell me if I have a valid hurt here.
