How can I make my girlfriend feel beautiful? She wants to talk to other guys...

Im 26, my girlfriend is 20. We have been together for 2 years. Ive been in many, many relationships, and several long-term relationships. I know what im looking for, and I know what I want. I love my girl to death, she is everything to me and id do almost anything for her. In fact, I had purchased an engagement ring recently with plans to give it to her sometime this year.

Anyway, she was not attractive in Highschool and never got attention from any guys, but bloomed and is now drop-dead gorgeous. She has only dated one other guy other than me. I feel bad, because I know I dated a lot of girls, and I learned a lot from each relationship. She is still immature and has a lot to learn about love, and she feels like she needs to talk to other guys in order to determine if there is anything else out there for her.

She says the way it feels when other guys tell her that she's beautiful is on a whole different level than when I tell her she's beautiful. I don't overdo, but I do tell her she is sexy often. She feels the need to reassure herself with others that she is truly beautiful. I don't know how else to make her feel beautiful. I take pictures of her all the time, and let her post sexy lingerie ones on her MySpace and Facebook. She has never been thought of as beautiful in the past, and now she is flaunting it. Is this typical? She had a bad childhood, no parents and nobody to love her. She craves love because she has never had it.

Currently, we live together and share a lot of bills. Our lifestyle is good because we both have good jobs and we heavily rely on each other for a lot of things. We are tightly entwined financially. This is NOT an easy relationship to walk away from!

I am the least jealous guy in the world. I love her so much that I would rather her be with someone that could make her happy if she found someone 'better' than myself. Right now she is talking to a few guys. We have broke up once before, and during that time she slept with a guy she just met. The breakup was mutual, so no shady business. In total, she has slept with four people including me. I dont care if she talks to guys, but I dont want to lose her. I rely on her so much right now for all things in my life, that my world would shatter without her.

How can I let her get out there and meet new guys without jeopardizing the relationship? Is this relationship hopeless? SO many of you are too quick to say, "Just leave her!". In my shoes, this is more than a relationship, it's my entire lifestyle and love of my life. She may not feel the same way about me that I do about her, but that is fine by me because I feel that once she dates around, she will realize how much I love her, and how valuable I am to her.

Thoughts?

Thank you!

The first thing that I will say is that for any serious relationship... The myspace/facebook lingerie think sounds like a bad idea.

Now obviously, she needs to know how beautiful she is. And if she posts those pictures, simply for herself, then that's completely fine. But when you start posting half-naked pictures on-line for self-esteem just shows that she has some deeper issues. It's probably nice to be "ogled" once in a while. But with some of the filth that people post on myspace pages, it can be easy for someone with low self-esteem to get sucked into that world.

And I do not completely understand - are you actually encouraging her to date other guys? Because unless you are in an open relationship where you can both do as you like in terms of seeing other people, you will become her doormat. That will seriously jeopardise your relationship.

But if I'm honest, even though you may have a "good" relationship now, her craving for male attention, and insecurities may make her pretty unpredictable. And the fact that one of the main things that seems to be keeping you together is your financial support, you really should just look at yourselves, and decide whether or not it is a good idea to want to marry someone with so many insecurities.

Sorry - it feels as though this post is not very well- structured, so if you need any more clarity, just ask for it.

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Originally Posted by JoshRMT [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She is still immature and has a lot to learn about love, and she feels like she needs to talk to other guys in order to determine if there is anything else out there for her.

She says the way it feels when other guys tell her that she's beautiful is on a whole different level than when I tell her she's beautiful.

She had a bad childhood, no parents and nobody to love her. She craves love because she has never had it.

Currently, we live together and share a lot of bills. Our lifestyle is good because we both have good jobs and we heavily rely on each other for a lot of things. We are tightly entwined financially.

We have broke up once before, and during that time she slept with a guy she just met.

I rely on her so much right now for all things in my life, that my world would shatter without her.

She may not feel the same way about me that I do about her, but that is fine by me because I feel that once she dates around, she will realize how much I love her, and how valuable I am to her.

Thoughts?

Thank you!

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Yeah, stop enabling her and get her counseling. You better go counseling to. You live in some kind of idealized fantasy world or so.

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Originally Posted by JoshRMT [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She is still immature and has a lot to learn about love, and she feels like she needs to talk to other guys in order to determine if there is anything else out there for her.

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Sorry to tell you what you really don't want to hear but when a female tells you this above, she is not craving just love. She wants sex with other men. Just like you had relationships with other women and finally know what you want, she wants to do the same. If she doesn't get it out of her system she may become a cheating wife soon in the marriage. Deal with this issue now or when married---it's up to you.

My advice would be to mutually break up and maybe meet again later in life. She may be the "one" for you but right now you are not hers.

If she needs male attention to define herself, there's going to be trouble. Getting a boost just because a guy finds you attractive is silly. Put a couple beers in most of them and they'll **** an apple pie. It's not exactly a high form of flattery. Maybe you could try to explain to her that she's cheapening herself by seeking it out.

If she really wants validation, she needs to find a way to make other women like and admire her (I don't mean sexually).

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If she really wants validation, she needs to find a way to make other women like and admire her (I don't mean sexually).

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Exactly. She's 20 (here we go w/the age), and generally young women around that age define themselves somewhat by the relationships they form.

You just need to tell her that men admiring her physical beauty isn't exactly 'deep & meaningful' interaction. Its that old joke about a guy & a girl standing in the middle of the street crying "fcuk me!".

The girl will have her choice of partners to go home with & the guy gets arrested.

Such is life. :tough:

wow you live in a fantasy world with the whole 'you don't mind losing her as long as she is happy' idea. she should respect herself and you more. i really don't think you should marry her if she is looking for superficial validation from other men. this attitude she has will eventually lead to trouble for her.

Thanks for all the advice guys! Just a few more comments and questions...

I dont intend to marry her or anything right now, I know she is not even close to the state of mind that I had originally thought she was.

Listen everyone, I know some things in this world seem 'unsalvageable', but this is something I really feel the need to salvage. All things are possible, even if unprobable. People can change and grow through influence and experience, even if it takes a lot of time. I have changed dramatically for the better throughout this relationship, and although I dont expect her to change in the same way, I think anyone has the potential to make changes.

I know there are no magic words or magic actions, but there has to be a plan I can follow that will boost confidence in her and the relationship. I know there has to be a way for her to see that I am unreplaceable, and that she will find nobody that can make her feel as good.

I can see she is holding onto me as a safety net in case she is not able to 'find someone better'. She has pretty much told me in the past that she wants to see what else is out there, but does not want to risk losing me.

Now im starting to see this as a 'challenge', an insurmountable obstacle that will teach me more about life and the female mind. I know I shouldnt treat it as a game, but it's become a chase for me again now.

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Originally Posted by JoshRMT [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I know some things in this world seem 'unsalvageable', but this is something I really feel the need to salvage. All things are possible, even if unprobable. People can change and grow through influence and experience, even if it takes a lot of time. I have changed dramatically for the better throughout this relationship, and although I dont expect her to change in the same way, I think anyone has the potential to make changes.

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Sure, all things are possible. It's possible the moon is made of cheese.

Get real.

Change comes from within, not from the outside. You can't help her. Stop trying to 'fix' her. You can't. Bottom line. You trying to fix her tells me that there's something that has to be 'fixed' within you.

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Originally Posted by JoshRMT [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I know there has to be a way for her to see that I am unreplaceable, and that she will find nobody that can make her feel as good.

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Stop trying to control the outcome. You can't. Again bottom line.

But hey, if you're into emotional macho-sadism and love to torture yourself and her emotionaly, be my guest. See where it leads to.

Yggdrasil I knew that would be coming. I don't agree though. Change comes from experiencing the environment and external stimuli, not from some 'mystical force from within'. Im not trying to fix her, im trying to fix our environment.

You don't seem to want to listen to Ygg, so not sure what else to say. Except that there is always "one more _______" (fill in blank with job, date, wife, husband, fcuk, man/woman) to be had.

Some folks are smart enough to know a good thing when they see it, regardless of the number that came prior. Some learn too late after throwing it away, and some never learn.

I think there's a lesson in there someplace about commitment, and it really coming from the individual, NOT something external. I think you are completely off the mark about change coming externally. That is *never* successful, in my experience. Maybe someone else can explain it to you better. Good luck w/things.

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Originally Posted by JoshRMT [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yggdrasil I knew that would be coming. I don't agree though. Change comes from experiencing the environment and external stimuli, not from some 'mystical force from within'. Im not trying to fix her, im trying to fix our environment.

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Ah.. denial. You can stimulate her whatever you want. It's HER who has to come to her senses and you can't make her.

Anyways. Live and learn.

Thank you everyone for all their input. Ive given everything a lot of thought and had a talk with her and id like to post the conclusion to this for people that ever might be in a similar situation. Everything you guys have said have really gave me things to think about, and I appreciate every word.

There's a lot of talk about 'just move in', 'just ditch her', 'just find someone new'. We've decided that we should just be friends, I myself have come to the following conclusion:

I have spent 2 years building a relationship with my girl, there were good times and hard times. There is no sense in throwing all of this away just because she wants to experience new things in life. I live with her, and we share our bills with each other. I can see how being just friends with her is valuable, and we can focus on helping each other with our individual goals in life so that we can put ourselves in a comfortable position for our next relationships. We agreed to not bring people home of the opposite sex, and we should work on improving ourselves rather than running off to find a new relationship.

It's REALLY hard, and we have each had constant bouts of jealousy over the last three days as we each try to show the other that we can 'move on quickly'. There is no sense in trying to prove to the other person you can move on instantly. You are both hurting, even if one of you doesn't want the relationship. Yes she has hurt me by not showing the same love back to me, but that's her choice, and if I love her, I should continue to be her friend and support her, as long as she's willing to do what she can to support me back. I probably will not be ready to date again for awhile, or at least until it seems that she has found someone new and has drifted far enough from me that there is no sense in relying on her for any sort of emotional support. As long as we live together, I think we should use it to our financial advantage, but attempt to drift further in seperate directions as far as our commitments to each other's lifestyles.

And that's the end of this little story. Thank you everyone for your help and comments.

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Originally Posted by JoshRMT [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

We agreed to not bring people home of the opposite sex.

It's REALLY hard, and we have each had constant bouts of jealousy.

As long as we live together, I think we should use it to our financial advantage, but attempt to drift further in seperate directions as far as our commitments to each other's lifestyles.

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Yep, this guy is into emotional torture. Financial dependency combined with long, slow and very painfull spiritual dead.

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Originally Posted by JoshRMT [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She is still immature and has a lot to learn about love, and she feels like she needs to talk to other guys in order to determine if there is anything else out there for her.

She says the way it feels when other guys tell her that she's beautiful is on a whole different level than when I tell her she's beautiful.

How can I let her get out there and meet new guys without jeopardizing the relationship? Is this relationship hopeless? SO many of you are too quick to say, "Just leave her!". In my shoes, this is more than a relationship, it's my entire lifestyle and love of my life. She may not feel the same way about me that I do about her, but that is fine by me because I feel that once she dates around, she will realize how much I love her, and how valuable I am to her.

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You are living a fantasy where you are with a much more idealized version of your partner than she actually is in reality. Where as in reality you are with a very shallow person who has very little respect for you or for your relationship with her.

My advice is to separate completely

It isn't very likely that a man of only 26 has had even one long-term relationship of any experiential value, much less "several," as you claim, or even any sufficient to give him insight enough to know what is or isn't a healthy relationship. It's clear that you fall within this milieu of men. You've gone ga-ga over a TWENTY year-old girl who's only just coming into her own, and highly uncertainly at that. Go for it with all the ardor you can muster. But I'm confident that when it's all said and done, each of you will have left the other with nothing but heartache, pain, sorrow and anger. I'd let this child grow up a little more before I went chasing after her. Meanwhile, I'd also be asking myself some pretty deep questions about my own maturity, and why in the world I'd pursue a romantic objective I so obviously must fail to acquire in what can only be the most painful of ways.

hi gigabitch, as I do not know how to contact you, I have chosen this way. could you please let me know, what was wrong with my thread, which I had posted yesterday and you considered me a hardcore spammer?? 1. what does this mean, 2. you do not know me any, how can you judge me??? thanks for any reply to [email]wwwparagonusa@gmx.de[/email]

that wasn't giga that was me who banned you.

and you best believe i'll be banning you again ahahajaaaaa.

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Originally Posted by wwwparagonusa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

hi gigabitch, as I do not know how to contact you, I have chosen this way. could you please let me know, what was wrong with my thread, which I had posted yesterday and you considered me a hardcore spammer?? 1. what does this mean, 2. you do not know me any, how can you judge me??? thanks for any reply to [email]wwwparagonusa@gmx.de[/email]

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Your screenname is advertising, dumbass.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Your screenname is advertising, dumbass.

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I see the MOD's point but, actually, the SN doesn't go anywhere.

Giving Gigabitch and Misombra banning rights is kinda like giving Lorena Bobbit a case of Ginsu knives. ;)

Everyone can calm down, the dunce is banned.

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Originally Posted by whaywardj [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I see the MOD's point but, actually, the SN doesn't go anywhere.

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Yes it does. It's a staffing agency.

A girl at 20 unless she has a real good head on her shoulders is still figuring herself out, and she won't become emotionally mature until she gets to her mid-20's. She might not figure out what she truely wants until her 30's...but who knows?!?!

If she is already expressing doubts like that...then it's time to cut the cord. You sound like you know what you want and its admirable to want her "to be happy" but only she can fix herself...not you.

Like it was said before, she is still with you because of finances. She lives with you, you share bills, etc. so she is "comfortable" with that. Do yourself a favor...let her go...cut those finances and such before she REALLY hurts you.

*Sighhhh*

I hate to put this out there for the public, but I honestly want to help you, so here it goes. I have been how your girlfriend is being. I've been in the same situation, felt the exact same, acted out in the same ways, had the same distance in age, literately everything your describing I have been there and done it. I know its hard to hear, but trust me when I say this because its the god honest truth. She doesn't want to be with you. End of story. If you are the man that she wanted she wouldnt be sleeping with other people, craving attention from guys, and exploring other options. If you were what she wanted she would be completely content and your opinions and compliments would be more than enough. This girl probably hasn't let you go yet because she doesn't have the financial stability that she needs to survive in he world either. She's waiting until she finds someone else that can help support her. I know that its hard to hear these things, but these are my honest opinions and advice because like I said, I've been the girl that used those same exact lines on a guy and I was the same exact girl that stuck with a guy because I didn't know how I was going to make it financially in the world without help. Move on before she uses you any more. Find a girl that will really appreciate you and not take you for granite.

You know what just be aware that she's 20. You are coming to the age when I think you would want to settle down. She is still young and you saying that she has finally become drop dead gorgeous, she would want to explore. What I think is going to happen is she is going to meet many new guys, guys that may even be better looking, better personality, etc. There is no stopping these meetings. You can tell her what you feel, but in the end she will be meeting these guys.

I say you just keep the thought in your head that she will meet a better guy in the end, and just prepare for that. Remember she is 20 and you are 26. This thought might suck but it is a possibility.