Is there anything wrong with him? Or he's just not that into me?

We dated for 2 months. In the beginning he told me he really likes me, even begged me to give him another chance when I tried to just stay friends. Then he started to act hot and cold, one day being happy and affectionate with me, the next day cold and distant. He started saying he's just not that into me, feels like something's missing...Everytime I try to be affectionate he would feel guilty because he can't reciprocate, so he would break up with me but would end up wanting to get back together. This repeated couple times. Finally I tried to end it for good, he then called me saying he loves me, he's sure about his feelings now, and even cried on the phone. So we got back together a week later, I asked if he still feel the same and he said yes, said he loves me, but I could feel he's distant. Then the next day, he broke up with me again through txt message and turned off his phone. When I later found him, he cried again saying he felt emotinally tired, he doesnt want to hurt anybody, then we started to talk and during which he became happy again like nothing happened.

This guy is in his early 30s, never had a relationship before because he became extremely shy after being bullied as a child(basically he was a loner), only opened up in his late 20s. He also displayed some weird behaviors: like once he was staring into my eyes trying to see my soul because that's how you fall in love; he also has a weird sense of humor, like he would say somthing totally false with a straight face, so for a moment you can't really tell if he's joking or being serious, and he does it a lot. But generally, he's a very outgoing, friendly and intelligent person(master's degree, multilingual).


So, I've been wondering if the problem is "he's just not that into me," or he has some issues?

He has too many skeletons in his closet to act like so at age 30...

Unless you want to continually deal with that for the remainder what relationship there is (or isn't), leave.

Doesn't sound like he's emotionally ready for a relationship. And yeah, at 30 that's a pretty bad sign.

I wouldn't be worried about whether or not he's into you, why are you still into him at this point? Doesn't the back and forth completely turn you off?

I guess you must love emotional torture and insecurity in your relation(s).

Well, if you're into that kind of weird stuff, hey, by all means, stick with the guy.

I was going to say something similar Yggdrasil.

Questiongirl, do you enjoy that kind of drama? You really did not need to ask these questions.

Try building a relationship with a man without "sexing" him within the first few dates. That way he gets to know the real you and vice versa without sex clouding the mind.

Yea, I know a romantic relationship is not gonna work with him.

But we connect really well in terms that we can share a lot of thoughts, talk about a lot of interesting topics (his IQ is very high, although his EQ is like 0). I miss him very much when I read a good book or have some deep thoughts where I'd like to share with him, I also miss laughing over a silly movie or joke with him, I don't really miss him in a romantic/sexual way. This connection is precious to me because I very rarely open up and connect with people on a intellectual&spiritual level, so basically he's almost my "soul mate" without the enough amount of chemistry to put us crazily in love. We tried to stay friends but always end up getting back, so we decided to go no contact, which is why he was crying last time and why I'm confused now. I also want to stay with him as a friend if he really is suffering from some psychological disorder. I feel like I'm abandoning him in some way by leaving completely(he doesn't have many friends), which is part of why I kept getting back with him.

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Originally Posted by questiongirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This connection is precious to me because I very rarely open up and connect with people on a intellectual&spiritual level, so basically he's almost my "soul mate" without the enough amount of chemistry to put us crazily in love. We tried to stay friends but always end up getting back, so we decided to go no contact, which is why he was crying last time and why I'm confused now. I also want to stay with him as a friend if he really is suffering from some psychological disorder, so I also kind of feel like I'm abandoning him in some way.

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Ok, read this till you really grasp it: it is impossible to be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for.

You say: he's almost your soulmate.

I say: it's all in your mind. You're idealizing him. He's no match.

You say: I'm want to get this guy hooked.

I say: you're on the road to hell. It doesn't work that way. It takes 2 to tango and you're walzing while he's break dancing.

You say: you feel like abandoning him.

I say: you're scared of letting go.

I did not say "I want to get this guy hooked." I said I'm aware the relationship thing is not going to work. I'm not even that physically attracted to him that's why I don't miss him in a sexual way. And everytime it was him doing the break up then asking to get back thing, I never ever asked to get back with him, nor did I ever cry. What I said is I really miss the intellectual/spiritual connection between us. I'm also worried he's suffering some psychological issues without knowing it. "it is impossible to be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for." This is more on topic.

Why is it that I have the impression you're trying to find justifications to keep this guy around?

Are you in need of company? Do you feel lonely?

I mean (and I am trying to figure things out here): there are more guys in the world, probably even more compatible with you then he is.

Why do you keep on hanging on to him?

Let him go. Why try to avoid the unavoidable and terrorize the both of you emotionaly?

This is the kind of 'game' teenagers play, not mature grown up people.

Seriously, how much more pain and hurt are you going to put him (and probably also you) through?

What has he done to hurt you that you're contemplating going on with this emotional torture?

I don't understand your motivations...

Why do you keep blaming me after I explained? Why you keep saying I'm hanging on to him, keeping him around, and I'm putting him through pains? Did you read my posts? I repeatedly said it was always him who keeps asking to get back with me, he would call, text non-stop until I answer the phone, then he would say he was running from his own fear, or he was making assumptions, or he just realized he loves me, or he would cry....I just end up taking him back. The very last time he turned off his phone, disappeared the whole day where he had previous plans made, that's when I got worried and tried to find him. But even then I never asked to get back, I just comforted him when he was crying and told him this is a good decision for both of us. So, never once I asked him to get back together although I'm more sure about my own feelings.

Maybe I'm not making it clear, I think it's quite possible after sometime he would try to get in touch with me again tryig to be just friends, I'm not sure how I should handle it then, for the reasons stated above.

Ah, you don't ask him to come back but you do initiate phone calls to see how he is doing?

Nevermind him, why do you like this type of drama even for a friendly companion type of relationship?

What is up with you?

Only the last time I initiated phone call, just once, if I'm to be blamed for that. All other times it was him calling me.

I don't like the drama. I liked the non-drama part of our relationship. I doubt he's gonna be so dramatic if we're only friends.

I don't understand what you mean by blame. I don't think anyone is blaming you for anything here.

However, to help you with this issue you have, I need to know why do you put up with this behavior he has. Don't describe him. Describe only you.

For example, do you feel that you cannot have other friends to talk philosophy? Do you feel you would be to blame if he harms himself or never gets friends? Do you feel you must save him to make yourself feel helpful? What makes YOU do the things that you do. After all, you can only control your behavior.

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Originally Posted by questiongirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't like the drama. I liked the non-drama part of our relationship. I doubt he's gonna be so dramatic if we're only friends.

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Sorry to say but it doesn't work like that. I'm sure many abused women (and men) say that about the person that beats them every now and again.

well maybe you would like the relationship to work coz he gets so emotional and guilts you into going back with him, which is understandable, it's hard to listen to someone cry.

he's frikin weird. next time he tries to get you back crying n all don't take him back, he's not sure what he wants and is likely feeling lonely when you're not around. he's doesn't actually care, he trying to make himself care but then realises that he doesn't and then breaks it off. you don't need this hassle from an emotionally immature idiot.

Yea, that’s why I know a relationship won’t work with him because he’s very emotionally unstable, immature, and he’s not in love with me.

My struggle is that it’s hard to give him up as a friend, or as a person.

“Do you feel that you cannot have other friends to talk philosophy?”

No, but he has his Unique point of views which intellectually stimulate me more than most people. Yes, I admit he’s a weird person in ordinary life, but I also have to say he’s very intellectual, speaks 4 languages fluently, growing up in different countries so he always have interesting stories to tell and see things differently, composes music, designs sophisticated software, very knowledgeable about history, culture….Spiritually, he’s always trying to improve himself as a person. So, being with him brings the good qualities out of me: like I always feel the need to learn, to think and to improve myself. Wouldn’t you appreciate a friend like that??

“Do you feel you must save him to make yourself feel helpful?”

I feel sad that he isolated himself from other people for so long because of his painful childhood experience. I think the reason why he’s so emotionally immature is because he never had many opportunities to interact with other people so he doesn’t know how to handle his emotions. I do think he values my companionship/friendship, that’s why he keeps coming back to me confusing friendship with love/affection. I feel guilty for not being able to stay with him as a friend , shouldn't I be the more rational person who should be able to control my own feelings to clear up the confusion, instead of having to go to the extreme of cutting ties with each other completely?

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Originally Posted by questiongirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

No, but he has his Unique point of views which intellectually stimulate me more than most people. Yes, I admit he’s a weird person in ordinary life, but I also have to say he’s very intellectual, speaks 4 languages fluently, growing up in different countries so he always have interesting stories to tell and see things differently, composes music, designs sophisticated software, very knowledgeable about history, culture….Spiritually, he’s always trying to improve himself as a person. So, being with him brings the good qualities out of me: like I always feel the need to learn, to think and to improve myself. Wouldn’t you appreciate a friend like that??

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Sure, I love diverse people and try to hang out with as many intriguing people as I desire. In fact, most of my friends speak several different languages, do some type of musical art or fine arts and have great historical and cultural information to educate me. However, if any of them start to behave like your friend I would say "f*** it" to them. It's the only way some people learn to change.

Your original questions say otherwise about your true intentions of this relationship. Are you telling me that you would like to hang around a man that tells you he is not into you, that he feels something is missing, etc. just so that you can be with a diverse intellect? Will you continue to put up with his drama so that you can talk philosophy?

My original post was trying to figure out if his behavior is normal for a guy who's just not that into you, or more sound like he has some emotional issues. If it's the second one, I would feel bad for completely leaving him.

Again, I also don't think he's gonna be so dramatic if I'm just a friend. It won't matter if he's "just not that into me" or not if we just stay as friends, I'd be dating other people anyways. But seems like that's just a lot of work for both of us. I know I won't initiate any contact with him...if he really intiate contact with me I guess I'll just ignore it. I hope he doesn't do the crying, or repeated calling again, I'm afraid I'd give up again.:( I don't want to change my phone number for that.

I know a relationship is definitely out of question, because I'm right now looking for a person who I can settle down with, so he must be a mature and stable person, and there must have been NO break ups from the beginning. I just feel wrong to not even let him be a friend.

Damn, with his behavior, he has manipulated you very well. You really think he cannot function well without you (or maybe it's the other way around). :detective He does NOT NEED you. With his behavior, he doesn't deserve your friendship. Teach people how you would like to be treated by dumping those that cannot. He would have learned these lessons as a child if he was not so "autistic". Now that he is an adult without these skills he will need an accelerated course on it. You accepting his wishy-washy behavior is actually slowing him down.

Not accepting his behavior/friendship will help you too.

I sometimes do suspect if he's unintentionally manipulating me, by working on my sympathy, guilt.

oh c'mon, there is nothing wrong with the qgirl giving a guy the chance especially when he is emotional. there is nothing wrong with the her, she just feels sorry for him now and that's ok. he's a weirdo and a saddo. qgirl you knwo now what you have to do.

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Originally Posted by ecojeanne [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

oh c'mon, there is nothing wrong with the qgirl giving a guy the chance especially when he is emotional. there is nothing wrong with the her, she just feels sorry for him now and that's ok. he's a weirdo and a saddo. qgirl you knwo now what you have to do.

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I agree and never said there was anything wrong with giving the guy a chance. She can do more than give him a chance. She can do whatever she wants. However, since she asked for advice, I want to give her some interesting information instead of BSing her. With this new information she can still do whatever she wants.

tbh lesa, i found most of what you wrote here was BS. this is the problem with society, people just disconnect from each other so easily. some people however give things a bit of a go and see if the trend continues. it doean;t mean there is anything wrong with giving a bit of time trying to figure out whats going on without insinuating a person actually enjoys the drama. she was trying to understand him. and she made it clear from her original post that she was already aware that it wasn;t going to work but was asking us to figure him out coz she couldn't....well thats how i took it, not that there was actually any drama loving on her part.

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Originally Posted by ecojeanne [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

tbh lesa, i found most of what you wrote here was BS. this is the problem with society, people just disconnect from each other so easily. some people however give things a bit of a go and see if the trend continues. it doean;t mean there is anything wrong with giving a bit of time trying to figure out whats going on without insinuating a person actually enjoys the drama. she was trying to understand him. and she made it clear from her original post that she was already aware that it wasn;t going to work but was asking us to figure him out coz she couldn't....well thats how i took it, not that there was actually any drama loving on her part.

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If my posts are not helpful to the OP she still has the option to do whatever she wants. If only I can give her advice to help her in the decision process in any way....

If you can point out my BSing maybe I can help myself. I'm up for a friendly debate.

Your posts almost remind me of people that don't give any helpful advice but make defensive comments of very little help just to let people fall when you can see the fall coming. That's what is wrong with society. ;)

Just to let you know. I don't like it.

it's just a difference of opinion that's all lesa. i can handle it. can you?

Uh, I think we are getting off course with these opinions. I prefer to guide the OP than deal with opinions of little help for the OP at this moment. Can you do that right now? Feel free to open another thread on how society disconnects from weirdos and saddos and how my posts relate to that. :goofy:

I think you both are making sense.

I was trying to figure out his behavior and reasons behind. But I agree that me accepting his irresponsible behavior is actually slowing his growth as a person. He needs to learn to behave like an adult, quick. But last time during our talk, he was showing some signs of wanting to retreat back to his own little world again, which I think would be very detrimental to him. He also recently learned that his mom's got cancer. It just feels wrong to completely ignore him when he reaches out.

Maybe if he contacts again I'll agree to exchange e-mails so I can give him some support as a friend, but not to see each other in person again. That's the best compromise I can think of for now.

You sound like you're handling it well, questiongirl. He needs to be able to handle his own problems, rough childhood or no. Sometimes some of us get into patterns where we over-empathize to the point where we feel like we want to "take care of" these kinds of guys and the whole situation ends up harmful to us. (I've been there, done that)

Might be good to read the "shining knight" thread here on LF.

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Originally Posted by questiongirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

But I agree that me accepting his irresponsible behavior is actually slowing his growth as a person. He needs to learn to behave like an adult, quick. But last time during our talk, he was showing some signs of wanting to retreat back to his own little world again, which I think would be very detrimental to him. He also recently learned that his mom's got cancer. It just feels wrong to completely ignore him when he reaches out.

Maybe if he contacts again I'll agree to exchange e-mails so I can give him some support as a friend, but not to see each other in person again. That's the best compromise I can think of for now.

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Some people just don't get it.... oh well.

I'll try one last time: maybe you can exchange his diapers to while you're at it. You're not his mother. Give it up. Top enabling him for crying out loud.

He didn't try to contact me for the last month, so he's not crazy. But I thought about the whole thing during the past few weeks and suddenly realized that maybe he is gay or confused about his sexuality??!! Anyone has any insights?

Everytime we broke up it's because I try to be affectionate with him, then he would look very distressed and would say things like he feels "guilty" for not being able to reciprocate. Last time he broke up with me is because that I "was treating him really nice(like kissing him, touching him), that he realized he can't make me happy." (WTF?) He also always say that he's "genuinely confused about his feelings towards me, " or he "doesn't want to hurt anybody." On our first couple dates he didn't try to hold hands or kiss, he even flinched when I touched his face. He got better later on, but generally he's resistant. During sex, he seems like he's only interested in oral sex (receiving, but refuse to give). Combining the fact that he's never had a girlfriend at 32?! He says the longest relationship he's had was 1 month, and he had a crush on a girl at 17, and he flirted with a girl two years ago..that's about it. (He's tall and not bad looking at all) But he also says he would like to marry someone eventually. He never look at other women when we go out, neither would he comment on women's appearance. Also, he likes to cry because he sees nothing wrong with expressing emotions. Other things I noticed about him: he's soft spoken, never swears, he uses chapstick, his apartment is very neat, and yea, his favorite color is purple.

Once I did ask him "Do you like men?" He looked at me surprised "Why do you ask that? Do you like women?" I said no, then he said no. But he does play basketball, watches soccer. He's not into fashion. He doesn't talk or walk like a woman; he's just more mellow than other guys.