Drunk actions? Do they mean anything?

I recently realized I have a strong attraction for my dance partner. We always crack jokes and have a good laugh. Although I am very playful with him, more than with any other guys, he seems not to get it, even though he can also get very playful with me. I know he is kinda of a shy person cos he told me that before and he also told me he was an introvert. He mentioned that being with me helped him come out of his shell a little more. In classes, I can see that he is rather on the quiet side with the other females.

It was his birthday 2 weeks ago and I was invited to a party with his friends. We had dinner then, headed to the bar. After a couple boozes, he came by where I sat I wrapped him arm around my shoulders. At some point, when coming back from the bathroom, he just grabbed me from the waist and started kissing me continuously on the cheeks saying that I was such a great partner to him and all that. I felt a little bit uneasy because that did not seem to be like the usual him. But then I also kissed his cheeks back. I was too shy, too scared to go for the lips. Then I called it a night.

The following week, we only got together twice to practice but neither one of us talked about what happened that night and he did not seem like he was all that enthusiastic because neither his work nor his dancing were going well. He even got frustrated in front of me. He appeared colder than he used to be. He said to me that he felt frustrated and pressured because he felt like he was the student and I was the teacher instead of being partners because I dance better than him. I tried to calm him down but he was rather stuck up.

I am curious to find out whether he likes me more than just a dance partner or not. I know he mentioned a few times that dating one's dance partner can get messy because arguments on the dance floor can be carried over personal life and vice versa. He is a strong thinker, he thinks and analyses everything that happens in his life.

I wonder if the kisses he gave me that night meant anything? He was somewhat drunk but not too drunk. Are drunk actions a translation of sober thoughts? Do people remember things the next day?

What's that quote about drunk minds speaking truth, again?

Sometimes us guys need a few beers to show how we truly feel so yea there was probably something there. The thing is, if he really is one of those guys that analyzes everything, it probably won't work since you're his dance partner and he obviously thinks its wrong.

Funny thing is on that evening itself, one of his other friends showed interest in me too and my partner noticed it. So he asked me yesterday what we talked about cos we seemed to have had a pretty good conversation going on and I told him the truth and in fact one of the question that I was asked was about the type of guys that I was attracted to. I told my partner that his friend was not very smart to ask such question but then my partner got also curious and asked me the same question. Do guys usually ask girls what type of guys they are into? I mean I had other relationships before but I don't remember any guys ever asking me that question. Also my partner was asking me if I wanted to get hooked up with his friend and such? I said no and he asked me why.

So all these make me more and more confused. Is he interested in me or is he not interested since he is trying to find out if I would be interested in getting set up with his friend? Am I thinking too much?

Well he could be analyzing you too. By asking about you hooking up with his friend it's kinda giving him an idea what you're about. It also depends on how he said it...also if you notice that he gets a little jealous or uncomfortable when you are talking with other guys, it's a good indication that he's into you. You should be able to test him and see how he reacts when you're out with other guys around. If a guy doesn't feel it he just won't care what you do so yea it will be more clear..

I am usually a very friendly person so I get along with lots of people and get a lot of attention. I have quite a few good guy friends and a very close gay friend but my partner does not know he is gay. My partner does not really like hanging out with my friends, he came out with us once, he felt a bit uncomfortable and shy. He'd rather hang out with his friends.

Also I once told him that I was shy (implying to relationship stuff), he said he couldn't tell. I am a ESFJ personality type and he is of a INTP type.

Well when I told him I was not interested in being setup with his friend, he asked me why, what I did not like about his friend and all that.

I wonder if it is a good idea to confess and tell him directly that I have feelings for him... not sure how he will take it tho. He's a pretty reserved person. Probably he will not have an answer for me and will be thinking thinking for a while.

Why don't you hint on getting together someplace, something low key no pressure where it can be just you and him...It doesn't sound like you two have gotten that much time outside the dancing and that party...By spending more time together, just you and him maybe he'll open up more. Since he is shy perhaps he just needs more time to get to know you.

I organized other group outings and he did not come. The only one he came was to have lunch with my sister when she was in town. Then he came. I also tried getting him to go out with me on one on one but he did not seem to feel that easy with it. I tried asking him to go bowling with me, he almost said yes last Friday but then not being able to dance properly changed his mind and canceled. He decided to go home instead. In fact for the entire week, he did not meet up with me to practice because he was hiding to practice on his own. He was very upset not being able to get the basics. Well he has a very competitive nature. I think he has a strong ego of not losing. Guys are worried about looking dumb in front of girls?

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What's that quote about drunk minds speaking truth, again?

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In vino veritas[, in aqua sanitas].

Im Wein liegt Wahrheit, im Wasser liegt Gesundheit.

In wine lies truth, in water lies health.

By the way, it's true. I find it easier to be myself when I am drunk.

duh! hehe..of course he is worried about looking dumb in front of you...All that stuff explains a lot about him..The fact he's shy, competitive and he likes to analyze everything..makes perfect sense why he's turning you down a lot..I guess you'll have to stick to meeting up at places where you usually would and when you are around him, try to speak to him alone. He could definitely use a confidence boost..He's very intimidated by you.

Well he indeed once told me that he was happy to have me around because I could help open himself up a bit more. What he had been doing and couldn't get rid of was to apply thinking all over dancing. For every step, every leg action or body part moving, he has to think about patterns, logics, concepts, whether things make sense or not. He has trouble feeling. He's a science guy doing his PhD in some prestigious universities and he had always been an A students with full scholarships. He has superior analytical skills and creativity. But then when it comes to dancing, it's a whole different world. I guess he feels bad that people with much less education can get it, what appears intuitive and simple to others is extremely challenging for him, cos he cannot feel. I am trying to convince him to let go his thinking but it is so hard. He can be so stubborn. I know he avoids to go to certain dance classes too because he is worried about how people would see him and also how incapable of following the class. I said many times that it was ok not being able to pick up things as fast as others and that dancing and academics are 2 separate domains, that I did not mind. But seems like it is not working. Cannot change people's way of thinking. It's a change that one needs to do himself.

Its a big challenge thats for sure. All you can do is give it time and hopefully he will start opening up more. You cannot force it especially with him being the way he is...let it happen naturally. Hope it all works out! :)

Thanks everyone for your advice. I'll see how it goes. I guess patience and time will tell. Since he asked me what type of guys I liked, and I gave him a list of attributes I looked for, I also sent him an email asking him what type of girls he liked =).
I am really not good at guessing about guys. When I was in college, I took a psychology class just for fun because all my schoolmates told me it was not only fun but very easy but I got a D- for that class, so that is definitely a domain I am super weak in. One class was enough, never bothered to take another psych class!

I hope things work out with him LoveWanderer...One of the reasons i decided to respond is because i can sort of relate due to the fact i was in a very similar situation..As he gets to know you, he might learn to relax and go with the flow a bit more. That will be very important..I use to analyze way too much in the past...Not so much now and it`s helped a lot.

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Originally Posted by LoveWanderer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I'll see how it goes. I guess patience and time will tell. Since he asked me what type of guys I liked, and I gave him a list of attributes I looked for, I also sent him an email asking him what type of girls he liked =).
I am really not good at guessing about guys. When I was in college, I took a psychology class just for fun because all my schoolmates told me it was not only fun but very easy but I got a D- for that class, so that is definitely a domain I am super weak in. One class was enough, never bothered to take another psych class!

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He may just be a hopeless dancer & you'll have to live with this. Sounds like he has other qualities that more than compensate. Its not uncommon for those who live by the prowess of their minds to be a bit clumsy/uncoordinated. Haven't you heard the saying about academics: bodies are simply a way for their heads to get to meetings. ;)

If a guy is really interested in a girl, will he still put his friends, his hobbies ahead of her? I mean he would rather spend time playing poker than practicing with me even know he knows we really need to work on the techniques and such. Sometimes I feel he is evading.
Also I need an opinion from guys. If you are shy, what can a girl do to make you less shy, and increase the level of trust and comfort? I tried using supportive words and sweet words. Does not seem to be working. Either he hides it well or he is insensitive.

Do you know anything about his past relationships at all...Does he initiate calls, email and things like that or is it always you...If you have done a lot of this stuff, try not keeping in touch for a little while and see if he does something. A lot of times if you`re the only one trying he gets so use to it...if you stop he might miss it. :)

You guessed it right, I am usually the one writing emails first or texting first. We rarely call each other unless it is urgent.
He does not always reply my emails the same day, maybe he needs to think on top of the long days he spends in the lab. Sometimes he runs experiments till very late. I know that recently his experiments have been failing a lot, not helping his mood and focus for dancing. About 3 weeks ago, I got a foot injury during one of the dance practice and I was out of practice for 1 week, he emailed me twice to ask me how my foot was doing and also ended up calling me. Also last week, we did not see each other for 5 days before the first practice and he mentioned we hadn't met for a whole week and asking me how I had been. Do guys get too lazy when everything is done/planned for them?

As far as his past relationships go, I don't have the habit of asking people how many gfs/bfs they had and etc. I am not a big fan of talking about my own relationships either. He mentioned he had a few gfs before but he also said that usually he fell in pretty hard and then the one leaving the relationship, but that was when he was younger I guess, during his undergrad days. Maybe his relationships did not even last that long. He also told me that he spent his days studying than partying and missed out a lot of college fun when he was an undergrad.

I'd guess he likes you but he's shy and embarrassed about what he did. Why don't you bring it up and see what he says. Maybe suggest going out or something.

You wimmins blabber on and on about equality. Fine. Have your equality. Grow some hypothetical balls and take a chance for once.

Thanks for your inputs. Unfortunately I still don't have enough posts on the forum to quality for private message so I can only post here.

I stopped contacting him except for emails that are purely "business" like which is about practice cancellation or scheduling time. Those emails are getting very short and straight to the point, they don't even start with "hi", very impersonal. But in any case we aren't practicing really this week as he has things planned for almost everyday, if not dinner with friends, it will be poker game with friends, then department get together party etc.

Well he offered to practice tomorrow night after his "work related party" as he calls it at 10:30pm. It's not unusual we meet late to practice but then I am more concerned that after partying, he will not be focused enough in practicing, then it will be wasted effort and time for my part. I feel I should just cancel it.

I know that I should be looking at quality beyond dancing skills but unfortunately we are in the line of competitive dancing. Even tho we do amateur competitions, it's still competitive dancing. Not only we compete against people against other teams, there is a lot of competition going between teammates.

I am the kind that work hard when needed and can play hard when work is done. But unfortunately he does not seem to be able to treat me like a friend after practices. I have a feeling that I remain his "dance (business) partner" on or off the floor.

That last pm i sent you, i think it's probably the case. The more you describe him it just sounds like even if he is attracted to you he doesn't think being with you is the right thing because of the fact a)you are partners b)are quite different socially. Him being all analytical is a BIG problem. If you ever get a chance try to relax that guy because that will get him to become more open. I know it's easier said then done but give it a shot.

I am actually not a party animal. I don't party that much, I don't even drink. That's why after 3 drinks on his birthday party, I had to run home and puked =(. But I know he goes drinking every weekend with his friends, something he really likes.

In terms of interest, I am not sure if we really have very different interests. He does dinner, BBQ, paintball, etc. type of stuff. I do that with my friends too.

As far as education goes, I have a Masters Degree and he is pursuing a PhD. While he's still in school, I work. He definitely has more exposures to parties and activities while we working people have a more peaceful and boring lifestyle. Work and go home and rest in general.

One thing he knows that I am more mature than him. I am actually a few yrs older than him even though he thought we were same age. Everyone thinks I am 25 including my manager and coworkers!

Also for his birthday, I drew a bday card for him instead of buying one from the store. I also got him a polo from Armani Exchange. Unfortunately I asked him if he had a chance to wear it when I met up with him on Sunday, he said no because the shirt was too nice and he had no occasion to wear it.

One thing I noticed though. He used to be very forgetful, he does not remember much about things people tell him, so I could be saying something to him today and he would have forgotten it the next day. It's all about selective memory.

But recently I noticed his memory improved and he'd remember much more stuff that I said before. Not sure if that's good or bad signs.

Other people can have a impact on your social life so i wonder how much of that has to do with him not being interested...friends telling him stuff that he should do and so on.. You mention being older by few years even though he thought you were same age. Maybe that bothers him? You seem really nice to him and everything..I can't figure out what's wrong with him! lol

He actually does not know exactly how much older I am. I told him at least 3 yrs more. I have no idea what bothers him. He's hard to read. Sigh.

But he told me he was the lazy type. His bike is semi broken with one side of the brake broken, I already told him that for his own safety and for all the people around him that cared for him, he'd better fix it or replace it. But then I guess that's not important to him, he said he was too lazy to do so.

I know that what a guy thinks and what a girl thinks can be very different but maybe he is trying to avoid me right now?

Honestly in competitive dancing, practicing once a week for 2 hours is way too little. From that stand point, I am very much tempted to go find another partner regardless of how I feel about him. =(

Do guys don't like to read long emails? What does it exactly mean to give "space" to a guy?

He's lazy, forgetful & overanalytical. Hmmm...

Well, just so you know, generally these traits don't change in a person. So, do yourself a favour and decide whether the other things about him will compensate for his lack in these areas. Are you prepared to remind him about your birthday or anniversary, an upcoming social event, the fact that his underwear is full of holes & he should get some new ones? Are you the sort that will just get his bike fixed for him, or will you nag him to distraction? Or let him pitchpole over a car so he can learn his own lesson? Are you prepared to be the one to try and get him to relax? Do you have enough self-possession to not be bothered by his mental twitches or criticisms?

I'm just mentioning these things b/c it seems like you are already forming a list of his undesirable traits. They obviously concern you enough to make a post about them. The next step is to decide whether they might be a real problem for you down the road. Again, don't delude yourself to think any of those things might change. They won't.

The age difference seems small in comparision. Good luck.

A lot of that stuff is so true about me too Indi so in a way i hate that post..hehe..but when you're right you're right!

Asip, a lot of folks (esp very bright ones) have those traits. My post hit the mark b/c its familiar territory to me. Its only bad news when the negatives outweigh the positives. I bet this fellow has a lot of good traits, (I could guess but that's for the OP to think about). Wanderer just needs to make sure she's not deluding herself about changing him, and then being honest with herself about how much these things bother her (or not).

Indi I think you are very right. Those traits are probably typically to scientists that will forever hide in the lab. He can sometimes even even be on the verge of forgetting to go to conferences his advisor's asked him to attend. Well yeh at the beginning when we first met, he kept on forgetting about my birthday but he finally remembers it. I guess because there is a correlation between his and mine which made it easy for him to remember, my bday is 2 months after his, same day.
Well one very fundamental thing between him and me is our Myers Briggs J and P factor. I am a J (Judging), I tend to like planning things ahead of time, and put more organization in my thoughts. As a P (Perceptive), he likes going with the flow and makes decision spontanouisly. I mean I like marking all my appointments of the week and know whom I will be meeting up with this week, where, and when. I make time for people. Well my time is valuable. It can be quite stressful when I try to plan a group outing and he's constantly on the "maybe" side.
I am giving up on making anymore advice, suggestion. I seriously feel like a Mentor or even a Mother when I do that!

From my experience most females I know tend to be more planned, organized. Do you know many females that are confused in their mind and tends to go with the flow? Which kind of girls do they value more? The organized one or the disorganized ones?

Just thought Id add my well-educated opinion. Drunken thoughts/feelings are just thoughts/feelings without a filter.

So I finally confessed about my feelings and although he praised me for opening himself more to me, and telling me how much fun he has when he is with me, and all that... he wrote:

" That said, I must tell you that I cannot
reciprocate your feelings. I feel (think?) that you're
a good friend and a good dance partner. We have a lot of chemistry as a dance couple. We have a lot of fun together and our partnership takes some of the stress out of dancing for me.

I'm glad to have you in my life."

Thanks for everyone who helped me through and replied to my thread. I guess although "in vino veritas" may be true for most, it is probably nothing in this case.

From experience, can an early rejection change to something else later? With time, is there a chance that things may evolve?

Nope, sorry.