Why do girls always want to be "friends" after?

This hasn't happened to me lately but I just watched it happen to one of my old College buddies. They have a big fight and she says shes done but wants to keep being friends. Month goes past and she calls him to tell him about a bad date she had like he was her girlfriend. WTF?

Something happened to me like this a couple years ago where my Ex cheated on me, moved out, but tells me she wants to stay friends and needed my "support". She had the nerve to tell a mutual friend that If I really loved her I would support her because all she was trying to do was be happy.

What is going through a woman's mind when she does this that possesses her to think this is at all appropriate and rational?

Why is it if you call them on this they say something like "I'm going to stop talking to you if you keep making me feel guilty!"

I thought this was something young immature girls did but I've seen plenty of "mature" women do this too... Explain please :)

they want to keep you around as backup in case things don't work out with potential guys they like.

Yeah, they want to keep you around for selfish reasons and make it seem like they are being nice. I really hate it when that happens. That's when I break up, I make sure to sever all contact with that person because to not do that would just add more heartache and selfishness to the recipe of disaster.

Actually, that may be true about some. But when I say I would like to be friends, I really do mean it. There are different circumstances to each case though.

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Originally Posted by btworld [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Actually, that may be true about some. But when I say I would like to be friends, I really do mean it. There are different circumstances to each case though.

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You mean you want to hang on in case you realize you screwed up?

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Originally Posted by btworld [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Actually, that may be true about some. But when I say I would like to be friends, I really do mean it. There are different circumstances to each case though.

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I think that different circumstances do have different outcomes.

Personally I would not like to see my ex again. But if I broke up with my current girlfriend we have a lot more in common and I would like to stay friends with her.

I have a couple of friends who have stayed in touch with their ex's and they still have a laugh when they see each other out and still stay in touch.

Lee

Actually, I've been the one wanting to make it work with my ex, but he just didn't care enough about me to do anything about it. He would tell me to wait and hang on for him, meanwhile he's flirting with others and trying to get back together with his ex. So I finally had to let myself go, but still wanted to be friends with him in case he changed his mind and changed. ...Don't see that happening however, and don't really want him back. But do still want to be friends with him because I still care about him. My other ex I wanted to remain friends with him because I really do want to be friends with him. I wouldn't keep him hanging as a could-be boyfriend because that wouldn't be right.

There is that fine line between wanting to stay friends because you get on really well but know it will not work as a relationship and then wanting to stay friends as you want to get back with them and hope that they will come back.

No wonder we all get so confused at times :)

Lee

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Originally Posted by btworld [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Actually, I've been the one wanting to make it work with my ex, but he just didn't care enough about me to do anything about it. He would tell me to wait and hang on for him, meanwhile he's flirting with others and trying to get back together with his ex. So I finally had to let myself go, but still wanted to be friends with him in case he changed his mind and changed. ...Don't see that happening however, and don't really want him back. But do still want to be friends with him because I still care about him. My other ex I wanted to remain friends with him because I really do want to be friends with him. I wouldn't keep him hanging as a could-be boyfriend because that wouldn't be right.

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Girls have this delusion that they can fix guys. YOU CAN'T FIX A GUY. YOU CAN'T FIX A GUY. YOU CAN'T FIX A GUY. YOU CAN'T FIX A GUY.

1) You're doing this to yourself
2) You're delusional, men won't change who they are. Seek help.
3) I think you are a glutton for punishment.
4) You don't realize that you are just keeping in around. You're subconscious realizes what your brain does not. You even said it in your post that you're waiting around for him.

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Originally Posted by Raze [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Girls have this delusion that they can fix guys. YOU CAN'T FIX A GUY. YOU CAN'T FIX A GUY. YOU CAN'T FIX A GUY. YOU CAN'T FIX A GUY.

1) You're doing this to yourself
2) You're delusional, men won't change who they are. Seek help.
3) I think you are a glutton for punishment.
4) You don't realize that you are just keeping in around. You're subconscious realizes what your brain does not. You even said it in your post that you're waiting around for him.

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Well, I also said I didn't really want him back. I don't see him changing, even if he's said he has. More likely the reality is, he won't change for me, but he'll learn his mistake and be the better boyfriend for someone else. And to be honest, although I still have feelings for him, I wouldn't get back together with him because I know it would just be an endless cycle and I would just get hurt again. Sometimes people learn from their mistakes a little too late, unfortunately.

I'm friends with several exes and not with others. I think it does depend on the circumstances of the relationship and the breakup. Admittedly, there was always that mourning period where there was no contact, which I think is the step a lot of people neglect when they try to remain friends with former lovers. There is no switch that you can flip that will change your relationship from lover to friend. For purposes of maintaining your sanity, there has to be a clear break and an opportunity to pick up the pieces without the other person knocking them out of your hands again.

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Originally Posted by Raze [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Girls have this delusion that they can fix guys. YOU CAN'T FIX A GUY. YOU CAN'T FIX A GUY. YOU CAN'T FIX A GUY. YOU CAN'T FIX A GUY.

1) You're doing this to yourself
2) You're delusional, men won't change who they are. Seek help.
3) I think you are a glutton for punishment.
4) You don't realize that you are just keeping in around. You're subconscious realizes what your brain does not. You even said it in your post that you're waiting around for him.

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Well that is the case with young girls and future-less guys. I'm not in that category thankfully. Never had a woman try to change me.

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Originally Posted by Graham Berkeley [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This hasn't happened to me lately but I just watched it happen to one of my old College buddies. They have a big fight and she says shes done but wants to keep being friends. Month goes past and she calls him to tell him about a bad date she had like he was her girlfriend. WTF?

Something happened to me like this a couple years ago where my Ex cheated on me, moved out, but tells me she wants to stay friends and needed my "support". She had the nerve to tell a mutual friend that If I really loved her I would support her because all she was trying to do was be happy.

What is going through a woman's mind when she does this that possesses her to think this is at all appropriate and rational?

Why is it if you call them on this they say something like "I'm going to stop talking to you if you keep making me feel guilty!"

I thought this was something young immature girls did but I've seen plenty of "mature" women do this too... Explain please :)

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It's simple: they love to 'keep you around' in case your 'services' are needed.

These 'services' can vary from calling you in the middle of the night from the middle of nowhere to come pick her up because she has a flat tire (hey.. what are friends for, right?), over asking if you could quickly help her adjusting her satelite dish or fix the leaking kitchen sink (hey.. what are friends for, right?) to emotional and sexual needs (hey.. what are friends for, right?).

Combine this with some guilt tripping (IF you don't do this, our friendship is over...) and what do you have?

Right... any self respecting guy would tell a gall like this to go eff herself.

Hope you're getting the idea. It's about using the dumpee under the disguise of friendship.

And now you can ask yourself the question why these immature dodobrains call guys like me assholes. Simple, because their shit doesn't work on someone with a good dose of self esteem.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

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Originally Posted by btworld [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, I also said I didn't really want him back. I don't see him changing, even if he's said he has. More likely the reality is, he won't change for me, but he'll learn his mistake and be the better boyfriend for someone else. And to be honest, although I still have feelings for him, I wouldn't get back together with him because I know it would just be an endless cycle and I would just get hurt again. Sometimes people learn from their mistakes a little too late, unfortunately.

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But you have feelings for him... So why are yous till hanging around, can't get back together and just torment yourself?

Maybe it's just because a lot of my friends are guys (and I've seen it on this forum quite a bit too), but I see a lot of guys wanting to 'be friends' as well.

Hmm... I wonder if it's a means for the individual to forgive him/herself for the ways in which they contributed to the downfall of the relationship. I couldn't be a good boy/girlfriend so I'll be a better friend. That's something to explore.

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Originally Posted by Yggdrasil [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It's simple: they love to 'keep you around' in case your 'services' are needed.

These 'services' can vary from calling you in the middle of the night from the middle of nowhere to come pick her up because she has a flat tire (hey.. what are friends for, right?), over asking if you could quickly help her adjusting her satelite dish or fix the leaking kitchen sink (hey.. what are friends for, right?) to emotional and sexual needs (hey.. what are friends for, right?).

Combine this with some guilt tripping (IF you don't do this, our friendship is over...) and what do you have?

Right... any self respecting guy would tell a gall like this to go eff herself.

Hope you're getting the idea. It's about using the dumpee under the disguise of friendship.

And now you can ask yourself the question why these immature dodobrains call guys like me assholes. Simple, because their shit doesn't work on someone with a good dose of self esteem.

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I hope you're not talking about all females. XP

The ex that I said I really do want to be friends with, lives out of state. So using him as a mechanic or plumber is out of the question. ;P We just have a lot in common and talk about the same things. It's hard though because I do feel at times that I need to distance myself from him, communication wise, because it feels like he still wants us to be together, and by me continuing to talk to him is misleading him making him hopeful that we'll hook up again. I don't know what he thinks though, as each person thinks differently.

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But you have feelings for him... So why are yous till hanging around, can't get back together and just torment yourself?

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As for this guy, I never said we were still hanging out/around. I still would like to remain friends with him, originally in case he actually did come to his senses, but even if he has, I don't feel like I could trust him. So I would just like to be friends because I don't like to end things on a sour note. And I do still care about him so if he needs someone to confide in then I will still be there for him. I don't want to get back together with him, after all the hurt he's caused me. I know all relationships have their ups and downs, but this went far beyond that. Besides, I don't think he minds us being separated anyway. He never cared about me to begin with. XP

What I think is really cute is when they say they want to be friends and then you disappear for a while they act like you betrayed them and act all cold and guarded even if they were the ones that wanted to JUST BE FRIENDS.

Let's be friends after a dump is for two reasons:

1. Keep you in the wings as a possible 'Plan B' if nothing better comes along. Or an emotional tampon, or both.

2. An easy let down. Young girls don't realize that its actually not & is more like extended torture for their ex. More experienced guys don't bite at this offer.

I know that after my relationship ended I wanted to be his friend...

For this reason. We have broken up a few times and everytime we break up we get along so well... I feel no need to be doing things for him anymore, I do not feel like when he wlks in the house that dinner should be made and things in order.. I am more comfortable around him.
when we are together we do nothing at all. he comes home and he sits his butt infront of the T.V and wants to eat then shower then bed. Boring!!! but when we are not together we really do things like take off out of town for the day have a blast. I miss him because of that part, I miss onlt the friendship that we could not have because we made the mistake in getting together.... I always tell him we are so better off as friends.
One time he was coming over to my place and all upset about his current g/f I was ok with that i never got mad (nor did I feel resentment inside) I just let him be himself and was there for him.. I gave him advise when he wanted it.....

You have to look at the full picture sometimes not just the break up. People often are better off as friends then life time parteners...
Just my 2 cents

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Originally Posted by babymouse39 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I know that after my relationship ended I wanted to be his friend...

For this reason. We have broken up a few times and everytime we break up we get along so well... I feel no need to be doing things for him anymore, I do not feel like when he wlks in the house that dinner should be made and things in order.. I am more comfortable around him.
when we are together we do nothing at all. he comes home and he sits his butt infront of the T.V and wants to eat then shower then bed. Boring!!! but when we are not together we really do things like take off out of town for the day have a blast. I miss him because of that part, I miss onlt the friendship that we could not have because we made the mistake in getting together.... I always tell him we are so better off as friends.
One time he was coming over to my place and all upset about his current g/f I was ok with that i never got mad (nor did I feel resentment inside) I just let him be himself and was there for him.. I gave him advise when he wanted it.....

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This would fall under the 'emotional tampon' part. Tho, in this case, sounds like she enjoys listening to his drama too.

This guy still has a thing for you.

Clearly...

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Originally Posted by btworld [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I hope you're not talking about all females. XP

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No.. only the ones that want to stay 'friends'... hahahahaha...

Graham, I suspect your "friend" is probably really good in bed and she wants to keep him on the back burner in case she really needs a good roll in the hay. The only exes I ever wanted to be "friends" with were the ones I'd happily have sex with again.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Graham, I suspect your "friend" is probably really good in bed and she wants to keep him on the back burner in case she really needs a good roll in the hay. The only exes I ever wanted to be "friends" with were the ones I'd happily have sex with again.

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Hmm... Didn't realize women thought that way but it makes a lot of sense. When it happen to me and a girl we did fool around a few time during the "friend" period. I didn't know it at the time but she was also sleeping with her current BF.

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Originally Posted by Graham Berkeley [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This hasn't happened to me lately but I just watched it happen to one of my old College buddies. They have a big fight and she says shes done but wants to keep being friends. Month goes past and she calls him to tell him about a bad date she had like he was her girlfriend. WTF?

Something happened to me like this a couple years ago where my Ex cheated on me, moved out, but tells me she wants to stay friends and needed my "support". She had the nerve to tell a mutual friend that If I really loved her I would support her because all she was trying to do was be happy.

What is going through a woman's mind when she does this that possesses her to think this is at all appropriate and rational?

Why is it if you call them on this they say something like "I'm going to stop talking to you if you keep making me feel guilty!"

I thought this was something young immature girls did but I've seen plenty of "mature" women do this too... Explain please :)

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In the case of young and immature girls, it might just be bad judgement - 'cause you're right, it is often kinda inappropriate. If you both want to be friends you will be and no one has to ask, right? But when a woman is grown and mature, I think it's gotta be one of these things, or a combination of them:

A) She's seen this happen with her friends, and wants it to work out for her, too. Men make GREAT friends, when there's no confusion. EVERY woman I know who's ever had a male friend would never give him up. We like our male friends. They're protective and more loyal and a lot less back-stabbing.
B) It sounds better. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

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Originally Posted by Graham Berkeley [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What I think is really cute is when they say they want to be friends and then you disappear for a while they act like you betrayed them and act all cold and guarded even if they were the ones that wanted to JUST BE FRIENDS.

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Yep, yep, yep, I still don't get it even though I could explain and everyone else could explain why it's stupid.

hear hear - i totally agree with you, guy!

Been there done that...
next time an ex wants to be your "friend", replace friend with "back-up".