Sexual Intimacy

I am seeing the woman of my dreams... literally. We met in school when we were 14, the first day I saw her my heart stopped and I knew she was the one. 13 years later and not a week has went by that she hasn't been on my mind and in my dreams. I was way too shy to ask her out back then and she moved away before I could work up the nerve. A twist of fate brought us back together.

She makes me incredibly happy, when she holds my hand while I'm driving I get lost and forget where I am going, because she is all I can think about. We have talked marriage and I might be getting the engagement ring very soon.

She has had a rough time, many loser boyfriends who never took care of her. She fooled around a bit with more guys than I am honestly comfortable with, and she isn't a virgin.

I understand that she has a past, and I can overlook that, we all have pasts. To be honest I feel bad about the string of guys she ended up with. I wish she had an easier time filled with more love and happiness than what she had.

My problem is that while she has fooled around with guys no strings attached and went to bed with some on the first night, she will not sleep with me. She says that she is focusing on being more moral and that she doesn't want to be intimate until she is married. She won't let me get to second base even.

I understand it, I really do. She has been hurt a lot, no one has treated her right and she doesn't want to sleep around, she wants to be a good girl.

The thing is, in the back of my mind I can't shake the little thought:

"You have given her your heart and as hard as it is you opened up and bared your soul to her. You treat her with respect and love. You care for her emotionally and financially. You would do anything in the world for her. You are buying a new house and since the wedding may be coming up in the not too distant future you are letting her pick it out because you want to give her her dream home and spend your life making her happy and her every dream come true... But if it's mutual, if she loves you too how can she put out in the past for guys who treat her badly and use her, but you, the guy who treats her as his personal goddess, she won't let you touch her?"

I know it isn't fair, I know why she feels the way she does and I respect it, but in the back of my mind it hurts knowing that what she has given out freely to several other guys who never cared about her, who never treated her with love and respect she can't give to the man she wants to marry and father her children.

How on earth do I move past this and stop feeling hurt and a little betrayed by it? How is it so easy to give yourself to other men for a night but not to the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I wouldn't worry about it. She's learned from her mistakes - that's a GOOD thing! Knowing about her past and the regrets that she has, would you really be comfortable if she did have sex with you so soon? Wouldn't that mean that she's still in the same mindset as before and doesn't see you as serious relationship material, just as the guys before you?

She wants to wait until marriage, and she's planning to marry you. Instead of feeling insulted, you should be feel at peace with the fact that you found this girl again, and even after a rough ride, she is working to resolve her issues.

She's trying to make it work and trying something new, seeing that all past relationships have failed, she seems like a nice lady regardless of her past and she's doing this for the relationship and it's clear she really want's it to work, I say go with it and be grateful for it, she's trying to make your relationship special and she might be afraid of getting hurt again, support her in doing this even if she someday before marriage says she's ready that way she can see you looking out for her and the relationships best interest and will be grateful, if she's the woman of your dreams Im sure it's not that big a deal

While I generally agree with miSSy and Savanah most of the time, I'm going to have to go the other direction on this one.

The way I see it, it's too late to save it for marriage. That's for virgins. This makes me wonder if there's something going on with her that she doesn't want to tell you until the deal is sealed. Does she have herpes? What the ****? Does she think her hymen will regenerate if she abstains long enough?

I, myself, would never marry someone I haven't given a test drive. A year-long test drive, actually. Marriage is supposed to be for the rest of your life. Sexual compatibility is really important and will help hold you two together after this mad infatuation you're experiencing wears off (and it will). I think it's pretty disturbing that this wonderful, special, intimate thing is something she's withholding from you in the interest of doing things "right".

tsk tsk, such a cynic. I actually don't think it's necessarily a bad idea. If they suck in bed together, then they've got the rest of their marriage to sort it out. I respect people who limit their partners like that.

Anyway buddy, it sucks to be you.

I'm with giga on this one.

Yes, she learnt from past mistakes, yes she's correcting them. But WTF. Now she's putting you off until marriage. Do you realize what could happen after you get married? She could have decided that during that time she doesn't see sex as important at all. She could say our bond outside the bedroom is more important than the inside blah blah blah bullshit.

How long have you been in a relationship with her? Sounds to me you're in lusty love, not a day past the honeymoon phase.

walk away while you still can. This woman sounds f*cked up and she's pulling you down with her.

I get a funny feeling from this. I dont mean to rain on the parade but it really sounds to me like your the "Safe guy". Maybe Im totally wrong but I have seen this before. Do you ever wonder if she is really happy or if she is fooling herself into thinking that your the right guy because she has been hurt so many times? You sound like you give her the world but alot of times that turns a girl off. If that is how she feels then I have been in her shoes before but from the guys side. I was hurt and went to the safe girl that I knew wouldnt hurt me ever. I fooled myself into thinking that she was the one and blah blah. IDK, its just odd thats all.

her justification for not being intimate with you is retarded. Try this: tell her you dated a string of loser girlfriends in the past who treated you bad and took advantage of your kindness. As a result, you became an asshole to avoid being hurt. Now you're saving your kindness for marriage and if she loves you and respect you, then she will wait. See what she says ;-)

I think she would leave him NEO if that is what he did say.

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Originally Posted by Charlie Boy II [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

tsk tsk, such a cynic.

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I get to play the I've Been Married Twice card here. Sex matters.

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Originally Posted by jrharvey [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think she would leave him NEO if that is what he did say.

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Yeah, but you have to admit it was hilarious.

What this looks like to me is that she's trying to become a completely different person and that marrying you is part of that. I don't trust that. I want her to offer herself to you, the good, the bad and the ugly (and the pink parts), not some whitewashed baggage.

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Originally Posted by Charlie Boy II [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

tsk tsk, such a cynic. I actually don't think it's necessarily a bad idea. If they suck in bed together, then they've got the rest of their marriage to sort it out. I respect people who limit their partners like that.

Anyway buddy, it sucks to be you.

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Sometimes it definitely sucks to be me....

I'm not really worried about my bedroom performance, and other things we have done seem to point toward us being rather compatible in that department. I would feel much more comfortable knowing for certain that there aren't any major problems in the bedroom.

From the talking we have done and the questions she has asked me I can tell she has really not been taken care of in that department. She's never been with a guy who put in any effort for her in the bedroom. The questions she asks me are actually rather cute.

I do understand how she feels... She has told me about several of her relationships, and even knowing I am only hearing one side of the story, she hasn't dated Prince Charming at any point.

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Originally Posted by jrharvey [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I get a funny feeling from this. I dont mean to rain on the parade but it really sounds to me like your the "Safe guy". Maybe Im totally wrong but I have seen this before. Do you ever wonder if she is really happy or if she is fooling herself into thinking that your the right guy because she has been hurt so many times? You sound like you give her the world but alot of times that turns a girl off. If that is how she feels then I have been in her shoes before but from the guys side. I was hurt and went to the safe girl that I knew wouldnt hurt me ever. I fooled myself into thinking that she was the one and blah blah. IDK, its just odd thats all.

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That would be my biggest worry. What if we continue on and get married and a few years into it she decides she wants something else. It has been my experience that nice guys always finish last. Learned that a long time ago...

It is incredibly hard to find a good woman, it really is.

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Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm with giga on this one.

Yes, she learnt from past mistakes, yes she's correcting them. But WTF. Now she's putting you off until marriage. Do you realize what could happen after you get married? She could have decided that during that time she doesn't see sex as important at all. She could say our bond outside the bedroom is more important than the inside blah blah blah bullshit.

How long have you been in a relationship with her? Sounds to me you're in lusty love, not a day past the honeymoon phase.

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We have been together for a little over a year. That's why I joke that Crayola is naming a new shade of blue after me....

And how old are you and she?

I should mention that it isn't that there is no desire to be physical on her part. The reason why she won't let me get to second base is that she doesn't feel she would be able to say "no" if anything progressed physically any more than it already has.

I've learned a thing or two in the bedroom n the time since I was a shy 14 yr old boy, and I'm pretty sure I could push her buttons and get her to the point where should would given in to physical urges, but I don't out of respect to her. I wouldn't want to ever do anything to hurt her.

It's just hard to express love and intimacy without the physical aspect of it. When I kiss her I don't want to have to be worried about what areas I shouldn't touch, or retaining complete control of myself. I just want to let go and be with her wherever and whatever it leads to.

I just could never find the words to tell her how special she is to me and how much I love her, I'd like to be able to show her.

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Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

And how old are you and she?

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She just turned 28 a few months ago, I turn 28 this coming December.

Ok honestly its the "GOOD" ones that hurt you the most. Yes it is hard to find what i would consider a good woman. I definately would not rush marriage as it seems like you guys need some time to figure this out. If you talk about it to her then dont act like its hurting you to go through this. That will most likely push her away I think. Maybe just casually like its nothing.

A 28 year old woman who can't control her sexual urges therefore she lays it on you... is how should I say? Weak.

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Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

A 28 year old woman who can't control her sexual urges therefore she lays it on you... is how should I say? Weak.

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I don't think it's that she has no control, I think it's more along the lines of her worrying about the potential of giving in and not wanting to risk it.

Has she had a history of assholes dumping her as soon as she gave it up?

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Has she had a history of assholes dumping her as soon as she gave it up?

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Yes, and several who treated her like crap after they got what they wanted. A few dumped her because she wouldn't put out, one did so on her birthday.

Even given her history, it's obviously true that she doesn't trust you. If she did, she would know that even despite her having sex with you, you will stay with her, love her, care for her, and be a giver in bed.

This speaks volumes about how she feels about your relationship.

So seeing that she doesn't trust you... do you think it's fair to HAVE to marry a girl to get her to trust you?

Ponder that for just a minute.

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Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Even given her history, it's obviously true that she doesn't trust you. If she did, she would know that even despite her having sex with you, you will stay with her, love her, care for her, and be a giver in bed.

This speaks volumes about how she feels about your relationship.

So seeing that she doesn't trust you... do you think it's fair to HAVE to marry a girl to get her to trust you?

Ponder that for just a minute.

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I don't think it's because she doesn't trust me. She has worries, but we do sleep together sometimes (emphasis on the word SLEEP) and we have done other things. She trusts me enough to not worry about being forced or coerced. I think she feels safe with me in general.

I think a big part of her wanting to wait may be due to religious beliefs. After a string of bad luck and failed relationships she decided to find direction and the direction she found was church. She now regularly attends. I think that may be a big part of it.

I do worry about her seeing an ex though. She has talked to an ex a few times, even spent a day with him, and she hid that from me. She says that they only talked and nothing more happened and that her sister was with her, but I worry.

I have been cheated on before, so I try to not bring jealousy toward new women in my life because of what others have done, but it is very hard at times.

like I said, this woman is f*cked up and is pulling the OP down with her. It seems he's already lowered his expectations and self-esteem based on all the excuses he keeps coming up with to stay with her.

OP all you do is justify her actions- so why are you on here. We've offered you suggestions/ advice and all that and all it really seems like is you, agreeing with her decision to hold off sex. So really, what's your problem. All you've said here is that your gf won't screw you, and here's why- but you understand... so it's all good.

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Originally Posted by NeoSeminole [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

like I said, this woman is f*cked up and is pulling the OP down with her. It seems he's already lowered his expectations and self-esteem based on all the excuses he keeps coming up with to stay with her.

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I wouldn't agree with lowered self-esteem, but lowered expectations about women.... Well you show me a girl who can work part time at a McJob, can use basic household appliances (like a vacuum) without destroying them, and won't sleep with the entire city and I'd be awestruck.

I wouldn't say I have excuses for staying with her. She makes me feel more loved just by holding my hand and looking into my eyes than any other woman ever has with anything they have done. We can still spend hours talking every day. We agree on everything important. She is a great cook, quite a little homemaker. She is great with kids, very sweet. She really makes me happy.

She is a very moral person. She made some bad decisions previously, but she has turned that around a full 180 before we started dating. She is finishing up her degree, no more issues with guys, etc.

She says that she needed to resolve things with the ex because he didn't want to let things stay ended, and she knew that with what he has put her through, if I was there as protective as I am over her that there might be an issue. Which is why they met in a public place with her sister.

I trust her to have told me if something happened. She says she did not immediately tell me because she was worried I would be mad at her. She did however tell me a few days later.

The sex issue can be an annoyance, but I can get by on my own for a while. Not like I didn't throughout puberty.

It does hurt on an emotional level though at times, because I just want to be with her.

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Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

OP all you do is justify her actions- so why are you on here. We've offered you suggestions/ advice and all that and all it really seems like is you, agreeing with her decision to hold off sex. So really, what's your problem. All you've said here is that your gf won't screw you, and here's why- but you understand... so it's all good.

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I don't like her decision, and I wish it was different, but short of forcing her there isn't much I can do, and the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt her. I don't want to pressure her. While I don't agree with her decision I do support her.

I'm not looking for a way to trick her into it, or guilt her into it, or anything else like that. I was looking for advice on dealing with feeling hurt and a little betrayed by it, not to change it. If she isn't ready then she isn't ready, and I can live without sex for a bit. Granted my right arm will become much bigger and buffer than the left, but I'll survive.... :lol:

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Originally Posted by DarkAzrael [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well you show me a girl who can work part time at a McJob, can use basic household appliances (like a vacuum) without destroying them, and won't sleep with the entire city and I'd be awestruck.

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I can do that, and so, so much more. I can work full-time, can use all basic household appliances- (never broke a damned vacuum in my life) and I've slept with 3 guys.

Awestruck? :love:

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Originally Posted by DarkAzrael [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I was looking for advice on dealing with feeling hurt and a little betrayed by it, not to change it.

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OHHHH okay, get over it. That is all.

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Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I can do that, and so, so much more. I can work full-time, can use all basic household appliances- (never broke a damned vacuum in my life) and I've slept with 3 guys.

Awestruck? :love:

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Yes, terribly so.... we should hook up... totally. I warn you though I'm only 3'10" (I'm a little person) and I weigh 642 lbs, but I'd say I'm still pretty darn sexy. I have a lazy eye, absolutely horrible acne over my entire body, and "hairy" doesn't even begin to cover it. Despite all of that I am incredibly well hung and I sport a full inch and a half. Eat your heart out baby!

My number is (123)-555-1234

You should call me sometime so we can get this thing off the ground... <3

:love:

see there you go... *face palm*

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Originally Posted by DarkAzrael [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I do worry about her seeing an ex though. She has talked to an ex a few times, even spent a day with him, and she hid that from me. She says that they only talked and nothing more happened and that her sister was with her, but I worry.

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Red flag #1. Lying and obfuscation. Not my favorite.

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Originally Posted by DarkAzrael [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think a big part of her wanting to wait may be due to religious beliefs. After a string of bad luck and failed relationships she decided to find direction and the direction she found was church. She now regularly attends. I think that may be a big part of it.

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Red flag #2. Do you share these beliefs? If not, do NOT marry this person. That's a disaster in the making.